Saki: A Non-Ninja Girl of the Hidden Leaf
by sakikui
Summary: See the shinobi world through the eyes of Saki, the daughter of Konoha barkeeps with a big mouth and an even bigger heart. Young Saki forms an unlikely friendship with Sakura Haruno and earns the love and respect of local ninja. As she watches the events of Naruto and Naruto Shippuden unfold, Saki undergoes her own journey to find her place between the ninja and domestic realms.
1. Best Friends

I imagine you're here on account of a person named Naruto Uzumaki who saved not only the Hidden Leaf Village but the entire freaking planet from some crazy Alien Shinobi Godmother. I imagine you're here on account of Sasuke Uchiha and Sakura Haruno, Kakashi Hatake and Might Guy, Lady Tsunade and Gaara of the Sand and a slew of other heroes past and present. Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Saki Kureji...You know, Saki Kureji...What, you haven't heard of me? What do you mean you haven't heard of me? I was there the whole freaking time! Don't tell me they cut me out of the story...really….all of it?! Not even the fillers?! Motherfucker.

I suppose I'm not entirely surprised, on account of me not technically being a ninja and all. My mom and stepdad own a bar in Konohagakure; they're not ninjas either. My grandma was a prostitute. My grandpa _might_ have been a ninja. Depending on what day you ask, my grandpa was either The Third Hokage or Jiraiya of the Sannin, although she wasn't even telling those stories until after she injured her head. It really could have been anyone, because, ya know, prostitute.

This is the part where I'm supposed to say that being a normal person in a ninja village is hard, and I felt so left out boo hoo bla bla bla...but I'm not, because that's not true at all. I freaking love the Hidden Leaf. It's as much my home as it is the shinobis'. I went to a normal school where I learned normal things with other normal kids, called "nonchaks" by the ninja kids because we had no chakra. I guess that's supposed to be a derogatory term, but I'm cool with it, because it's true. Why get all bent out of shape over something that's true? Anyways, I really think I got the better end of the deal, because ninjas had to deal with all kinds of crazy things: running all over the world, risking their lives, training day in and day out, eww. Just give me a good romance novel, a cup of ramen, and a little bit of wine. Okay, more than a little bit. I freaking love wine.

Typically ninjas and nonchaks don't hang out together. We coexist peacefully most of the time, but we stick to our own kind. We have what's called a mutually symbiotic relationship. The ninjas protect us from all the psycho baddies, and we provide them with services such as restaurants, making clothes, building houses, etc., because I guess while they were busy using their powers to spit fire and shit at each other, nobody ever thought to use chakra for practical things like cooking and cleaning. Like seriously? That is the FIRST thing I would try to use chakra for if I had any. But shhh...if anyone ever figured that out, we'd all be out of jobs.

So how did a nonchak become friends with people like Naruto and Sakura? It started when I was really young, like seven or so. I was waiting for my parents outside of our apartment/bar when this group of ninja girls came running past. They were chasing a pretty little pink-haired girl, calling her "billboard brow." I thought that was hella stupid, so I threw a rocks at them.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" they whined.

"What's your problem, nonchak?" said the leader of the bullies.

"My problem is you're being stupid bitches," I said.

"WOAH! That's not a nice word! You apologize," they whined.

"I'll apologize when you stop being bitches."

"We could beat you up with our ninjutsu, you know!" boasted the leader.

"HATE CRIME! HATE CRIME!" I shouted.

They all ran away after that. The little pink-haired girl was crouched down in the middle of the road, crying. I pulled her up and invited her to sit next to me.

"What was that all about?" I asked.

"They call me that because I have a big forehead," she sobbed.

"A big forehead?" I repeated in disbelief. "That's seriously the best they can come up with?"

Her eyes grew wide. "What? What would you call me?"

"Your name, if I knew it," I replied. "I'm Saki."

"My name's Sakura."

"Aww, like the cherry blossom? That's so much better than being named after alcohol." I was young. I don't share the same sentiment now.

"Alcohol?"

"Nevermind. Listen. The reason those girls call you that is because you're way prettier than them."

"No I'm not. You're just being nice."

"I'm not. Look. You ninjafolk have those nindos, right? Your 'ninja ways'? Well, Saki Kureji always keeps it real. That's my nonchak way. So you can trust that when I say something, it's legit. And it's painfully obvious that they're jealous of you. Are you a natural pink?" She nodded. "I'm so freaking jealous," I said. My own hair was black like an Uchiha's. Hmm...could I be an Uchiha?...I made a mental note to ask grandma later. I heard my stepdad call for me from around the corner. "Well, Sakura," I said, "if you ever need a break from that noise, you can come talk to me. I live in the apartment over the bar here."

She smiled for the first time since I'd met her. "Okay! I'd like that."

"Me too. See ya, Cherry Blossom."

One week later, Sakura knocked on my door. She was crying _again._ Without missing a beat, I pulled her into my bedroom and closed the door.

"Alright, Cherry Blossom, what's up?" I asked, feeling like a therapist.

"Saki…" she started.

"Yeah?"

"Will you be my new best friend?" She was staring at the floor.

Thinking about that now, it's totally funny, but when you're seven, best friends is serious business. Your best friend could make or break you, and not having one was literally the end of the world. This was a commitment not to be taken lightly, and I should have asked more questions, but I was so honored to be asked, by a kunoichi no less, that I didn't hesitate in saying yes. That simple "yes" would forever alter the course of my life.

She looked up at me and smiled through her tears. I handed her my kitty-shaped tissue dispenser box. "Sit down, girl. We've gotta stop meeting like this. What happened?"

"Do you know…" she stuttered, "Sasuke Uchiha?" Her skin turned full cherry red as she said his name.

"Uchiha...OH! The emo kid!"

"The what?"

"You know, emo. Always brooding and talking about death."

"Oh no…"

"What? Did he do something to you? I'll beat him up."

"NO! Don't...uhhhh….did you just say you'd beat him up?...he's an…"

"Yeah, yeah, ninja, nonchak, got it. But I totes would. That's what best friends do. I don't care how dangerous it'd be."

"You're crazy," she laughed. I smiled. "And you shouldn't call yourself a nonchak. It's not nice," she admonished.

"Well, what would you call me?"

"Saki?"

"The way I see it, it's not what the word is; it's how you use it. I'm not ashamed to be chakra-less, so I say it. You can say it too. I don't care. But back to Sasuke." She looked at the floor and turned into a cherry again. "Oh no…" I said. "You like him?"

"HOW'D YOU KNOW?"

"Because you can't say his name without blushing. Look, I get it, he's got that dark and mysterious thing going. Frankly, I think the kid's a little unstable. I guess I get it. You're both always crying. It works."

"I'm not!...ohhhh...yeahhh…."

"Alright, so you like Sasuke. Let's go get him!"

"What?!"

"Well, there's no point in sitting around here just crying over him."

"I'm not crying over him."

"Then what are you crying over?"

"I'm crying because my best-my former best friend Ino Yamanaka likes him too, and she's the prettiest most popular girl in school, so there's no way…" I ripped the kitty tissue box from her hand and smacked her across the face with it. "OW!...Saki, why…"

"Are you telling me that you and this Ino chick ended your friendship over this Sasuke kid?"

"Well, of course! We can't be best friends and love rivals too."

This time I actually laughed out loud, because that was hella stupid. "Best friends don't stop being best friends because of some guy. Sounds like this Ino chick seriously has her priorities screwed up. But I'm willing to refrain judgment because I actually hate seeing friendships broken, especially over stupid things. Let's go find this Sasuke and find out what he thinks of Miss Ino Yamanaka."

"WHAT?!"

"You think she's the prettiest most popular girl in school. But if Sasuke doesn't, then you don't have a problem, right? And then both of you can move on with your lives and pursue guys who might actually reciprocate your feelings."

"But Sasuke…"

"There's plenty of fish in the sea, Sakura. This is the Hidden Leaf village! There are hot ninja guys everywhere! Trust me. It's like ripping off a band-aid. It hurts at first, but then it saves a lot of pain in the long run. Let's go." I pulled Sakura off the bed, out the door and onto the streets.

"What are you going to do?!" she cried.

"I'm not going to do anything. You're asking Sasuke on a date."

"I CAN'T!"

"WHY NOT?!"

"Because!"

"Because?"

"Just because, okay! I want him to ask me...I want it to be romantic…"

The kitty tissue box was still in my hand, so I smacked her with it again. "Guys don't care about romance, especially guys our age. Look, he's an orphan, right? Even if he wanted to ask a girl out, he's probably self-conscious.

"You think? He seems really confident at school."

"It's an act. Has he ever asked a girl out before?"

"No…"

"See? Okay, so I usually hate when girls do this, but since you're you, and we're best friends, I'll talk to him first and get a feel for the situation."

"You'd do that for me?"

"Duh, girl!"

"What are you going to say?"

We were interrupted by the _goofiest_ looking kid I'd ever seen. Like I thought we were being pranked, because he didn't even look _real._ His eyes were just perfectly round and black, and his hair was all slicked back, but what really set him apart were his ginormous freaking eyebrows. It literally looked like two fuzzy caterpillars were glued to his face.

He was shaking and had some flowers in his hand. "S-sakura?"

"Hi, Lee," she said. "How are you?"

"Sakura, I...I saw these flowers, and they reminded me of you because they're pretty, and you're pretty, so please accept them Sakura!" He shoved the flowers into her face.

"Ohhhh...ummm….thanks, Lee." She gingerly pried the flowers from his sweaty palms. He got more excited the longer her fingers were touching his. Then he just stared at her, waiting for her to say something. She looked awkwardly at the flowers, then to me.

Welp, looks like I have to save the day again, I thought. I smacked him with the tissue box.

"Ow! Ummm...okay, bye!" He disappeared as quickly as he had appeared.

"Well, that was weird, but cute, maybe?" I asked. "Who was that?"

"Rock Lee. He's a nonchak who's trying to be a ninja." She rolled her eyes. "He's really fast though. That's how he got into the academy."

"No kidding?" I said. "Hmm, well, good for him I guess. A lot of nonchaks think they can just turn themselves into ninjas. I never heard of one actually doing it though."

"He hasn't done it," she said, shaking her head.

"So….you wouldn't date a nonchak, huh?" I teased, knowing she'd take me seriously.

"What? No! I mean yes! I mean…"

"Calm down, calm down, I can see that kid's a hot mess. Come on, where does Sasuke go after school?"

"Ummm...I don't know?"

"So they really just let orphans run the streets and do whatever, huh? You'd think a prestigious ninja village would have more of a system in place...all right...OH! I know how to find Sasuke!"

"How?"

I grabbed her arm and pulled her through the streets to Ichiraku Ramen.

"NARUTO UZUMAKI!" I shouted upon entering the restaurant. The yellow haired demon kid was always at Ichiraku Ramen after school stuffing his face.

"Saki, what are you?..." Sakura grumbled, clearly terrified.

"Sakura?" said Naruto. "You came here to see me? And you brought a friend?" He turned red. I smacked him with the tissue box.

"Perve, no, that's not why we're here. We're looking for Sasuke Uchiha."

"Who are you?" he asked.

"Saki, nonchak, at your service," I said sarcastically. "Do you know where Sasuke is?"

"Why do you think I know where Sasuke is?"

"Because you're both orphans." This was not my proudest moment. Assuming that all orphans knew everything about each other. Bluntly bringing up personal, emotional truths to an already volatile person who I had never spoken to before. But I got what I wanted.

He stared at me in disbelief. "Well, I see him on the pier a lot."

"Thanks, kid!"

I pulled Sakura out of the restaurant while Naruto babbled about Sakura and ramen and nonchak not being a nice word. Freaking Naruto Uzumaki.

So, we finally made our way to the pier, and sure enough, there was Sasuke Uchiha brooding over the water.

"Look at that! He's all alone. Go talk to him," I prodded.

"No…" she whined.

"I won't make you ask him out. Just say, 'Hi, how's it going?' And then go on from there. Talk about school. Talk about the pier. Just talk."

She nodded wordlessly. I swelled up with pride as I watched my little pink-haired girl walk down to the pier and sit next to the guy that would one day be her husband, despite literally all of my protests. Like I was her maid of honor, and I still don't believe it was real.

She came back after a whopping minute, red as a cherry. "He asked me why I was there, and I didn't know what to say, so I left."

I dropped my head to my hands. "Okay. Well, it's a start. I'm going to go ask him one question."

"WHAT?! NO…"

"Shhhh! Trust me! I won't even mention your name."

"Okay."

"Best friends?"

"Best friends!"

So I walk down to the edge of the pier and plop down next to the heartthrob of the shinobi academy. I guess he had a nice face, but I couldn't get over his stupid hair.

"Who are you?" he asked in an even monotone. Those eyes startled me. They were so cold. They felt like they were looking right through me. Man, this kid was nothing like Naruto, I thought. He's _seen some shit._

"Unimportant. I just have one question for you. Who do you think is the prettiest girl in school?"

He continued looking at me and through me. "I don't care."

I don't care. I don't care. I let those words sink in, and then I smiled. "Thank you very much, sir!" I extended my hand, and he shook it awkwardly. Little did he know it was my best friend seal of approval.

Sakura was biting her nails off when I got back. "What happened?!" she gasped.

I smiled. "He doesn't like Ino."

I never told Sakura what I had asked and what he had said, and at the time, I didn't understand the deeper, darker meaning behind Sasuke's words. All I knew was that "I don't care" was an answer I could get behind, because it's how I felt about most things girls made big deals about, too. So, for the time being, I fully supported Sakura in her efforts to woo the elusive Sasuke Uchiha.

Sakura came to see me most days after school, but I didn't hang with her and the other ninjas until much later, when she became a genin and a member of Team 7.


	2. Team Kakashi Plus Saki

I went to Sakura's graduation ceremony. I gave her a pink kunai, and she gave me a fake genin headband. Lee gave her flowers again. I laughed on the outside, but on the inside, I was really impressed that awkward kid had actually graduated.

Then she gave me the _big news_ , that she was teamed with Sasuke. We hugged and squealed, but it was a bittersweet moment for me, because it meant that she would start going on missions, so we'd have way less time together, and truth be told, I didn't have any close friends who were, well, like me. So it meant a lot when she invited me to get ramen with her team after the ceremony.

"You know I don't believe in fate, but it's pretty surreal that you got teamed with Sasuke," I said. "Just you and Sasuke, huh? Well, and your trainer, of course."

She sighed. "And…Naruto Uzumaki."

I gagged. "Oh shit." Then I couldn't help but laugh, and she smacked me lightly on the back of the head. "Well, hey, you can bond with Sasuke over how annoyed you both are. Does that hot mess still have a thing for you?"

"Yes!" she groaned. "Why, Saki, why do only weirdos like me?"

"Because you're nice to them. You need to stop that shit."

She groaned.

When we arrived at Ichiraku, Naruto's face was already covered in broth. Sakura's sensei was already there as well. Enter Mr. Kakashi HOT-ake. You know that moment on the onset of puberty when your primal instincts are first awakened? And it's always some wildly inappropriate stimuli? Kakashi was my stimuli. I slid up next to him. Sakura gave me a weird look but couldn't say anything.

"Hiiiiiii Sakura, you can sit over here by meeeee," stupid Naruto said stupidly. Sakura said nothing and sat next to me.

"Kakashi Sensei, this is my best friend Saki Kureji. I hope it's okay that I invited her?" said Sakura.

"Oh, umm, sure, hello Saki," said Kakashi. I blushed, and Sakura elbowed me.

"Saki...Saki...ohhhh, you're that girl that attacked me that one time!" Naruto shouted.

"I did not attack you. Although I've seen you fight, and I probably could," I shot back.

A cold, stifled laugh came from behind us, and in walked The Prince of Darkness himself. I felt Sakura going full cherry next to me.

"I like your friend, Sakura," said Sasuke.

"Don't say that," I said quickly. The last thing I needed was Sakura thinking Sasuke had a crush on me, or worse, Sasuke actually having a crush on me.

"Sooooo," Kakashi interrupted. "Now that we...all know each other...I hope we can bond a little bit over dinner before we began training tomorrow. This training will be very intense. The name of the game is teamwork. We need to all be able to trust each other completely."

Sakura was basically melting thinking about bonding with Sasuke. I was mentally trying to unmask Kakashi. I knew a lot of ninja wore masks to either conceal their identity or to hide scars. Since it wasn't a mission, there had to be some gnarly battle wounds under there. Battle scars _could_ be hot, but too much could be icky. I pondered how to get that mask off him, and then I smiled internally. He'd have to take off his mask to eat, right?

Or not. He didn't order anything. Just kept droning on about teamwork.

" _She_ won't be at training, right?" Naruto interrupted, pointing his chopsticks at me.

"What if I am? What did I ever do to you?" I asked. "Kakashi Sensei, you really ought to try this pork. It's on point."

"No thank you, Saki. And no, Naruto, Saki is Sakura's guest today. Training will be just us," said Kakashi.

"Oh, ninjas only. I see how it is!" I exclaimed sarcastically.

Kakashi's eye grew so wide. It was adorable. "That's not what I meant…"

"I gotcha Kakashi Sensei! Just messing with you! But let's suppose I made some cookies or something…"

"Oh, I like cookies," said Naruto.

"Oh, you like cookies! Suddenly I'm your best friend now that I'm talking about cookies! I see how you roll, Naruto," I said.

"Well, I mean, maybe I overreacted earlier…," he said.

"That's actually the smartest thing I've ever heard you say."

"Why you…!" Naruto actually made a lunge towards me, but big strong Kakashi put him back in his place.

"Do you like cookies, Sasuke?" Sakura asked her new teammate and future husband (still can't get over it).

He shrugged.

* * *

"He shrugged? At cookies? Man, I'm starting to think there's something actually wrong with him, girl." Sakura was spending the night at my place for probably the last time.

"Okay," said Sakura, her tone dropping. "Can we talk about you flirting with Kakashi Sensei?"

"Me? Flirt? Nah…," I said cheekily.

"Saki, he's OLD!" she squealed.

"Age is just a number!" I said.

"EWWWWWWWWW!"

"Chillax girl, nothing's going to happen, I promise," I said. "Until I'm 18."

"EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"He's a big, strong, sophisticated ninja. You can't tell me that does nothing for you."

Her face was contorted in disgust. "He's old."

"I prefer the term 'mature,'" I said. "Calm down, it's a stupid crush. We all have them. I'm not gonna hit on him or anything." She raised an eyebrow. "Hard. I'm not gonna hit on him hard. But you gotta tell me what's under that mask."

"His mouth? His mouth is under the mask."

"Sexy battle scars…."

"STAAAAAHHHHHP!"

* * *

I ate lunch with Team 7 every day for an entire year. Here's what I learned:

1\. Sasuke is disturbed. I tried really hard to like him, for Sakura's sake, and I guess we have some kind of rapport between us, but for the most part, I'm just afraid he's gonna snap and take us all out, which leads me to seriously question the way the Hidden Leaf is handling their internal affairs. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm all about a small government, but leaving orphans up to their own devices, especially orphans who have seen their entire family slaughtered by their brother, is really freaking irresponsible. I don't blame the guy for having the emotional capacity of a teaspoon. It's not his fault. He needed a therapist, like, years ago. Mental health, people. It goes a long way.

2\. Speaking of orphans, Naruto Uzumaki is actually a pretty legit person when and if he stops whining. He's optimistic to the point of stupidity, but I'd rather hang with him than doom-and-gloom Sasuke any day. Not to mention he has real goals that don't involve murdering somebody, and he believes in himself so much it almost makes you believe in him too. Respect. I mean, he even LOOKS like the Fourth Hokage. Woah, hold on, what if...hmmm, well, anyway, I've been secretly trying to switch Sakura from liking Sasuke to liking Naruto. It's not working.

3\. He's still dumb as a box of rocks though. I'm pretty sure in the short time I've spent hanging around ninjas I've learned more about being a ninja than he has in his entire life. Listening to Kakashi explain a jutsu to him is unbearable. Kakashi is a saint. I do not have that much patience.

4\. Kakashi will not take off his mask for freaking anything. He must have some really gnarly wounds under there. Like the kind that oozes puss. Or maybe he's toothless. Would he still be hot if he's toothless? Hmm….

5\. I went to the library. The Fourth Hokage's wife was an Uzumaki. Hidden Leaf Village, ya'll ain't slick.


	3. Ridiculous Things

One thing you have to accept when you're a non-ninja living in a ninja village is that ridiculous things are going to happen that you're powerless to stop. And sometimes your village is the ridiculous one, and you just have to go along with it like everything's totally fine. I'd been pretty lucky in my life to not see much shit. The Nine-Tails attack happened when I was one. Obviously, I don't remember it. Then there was the Uchiha thing and the Hyuga thing, but those didn't heavily affect the nonchak world at all. I had had a happy childhood.

So I graduated normal school and started working in the bar. I couldn't bartend yet, which is what I really wanted to do, but I could clean and took over inventory duty. It was pretty boring. I quickly realized that spending my formative years with ninja friends instead of normal friends had seriously altered my perceptions of the real world. I started to wonder how I could stay part of their world without actually being one of them.

Meanwhile, Sakura and company were entering the Chunin Exams. I was seriously scared for them. I'd heard of people dying in the Chunin Exams. Heck, being a ninja was a pretty deadly profession. Holy crap, my friends were going to die!

"Don't worry, Saki, I'll protect Sakura, I promise!" Naruto had said, giving me a thumbs up. I laughed nervously. Man, I wanted to believe that kid, but he was still a hot mess.

I wasn't allowed anywhere near the first rounds of the Chunin Exams, and I couldn't find Kakashi to bother, so I convinced my stepdad to teach me how to mix drinks and taste them until my friends came back.

"SAKURA! You're alive! Let's celebrate! Drinks on me!" I shouted when she knocked on my door again. I had just finished a bartending lesson. Not the best of timing. Sakura had tears in her eyes.

"Are you...drunk?" she asked.

My stepdad intervened. "She had two sips. She's fine."

"He thinks I only had two sips…" I whispered.

"Ohhhh my gosh, okay, can we just talk? I've gotta tell you something, but it's a secret. Not even Naruto knows," she said.

"YOU LIKE NARUTO?! Awww!" I exclaimed.

"NOOOO!" She grabbed my arm and pulled me into my room. Then she explained all about the forest and Sasuke's curse mark and a bunch of other crazy shit.

I sighed. "Fan-freaking-tastic," I said. "Just what Sasuke needs, more shit in his life. And this Gaara person? Someone like that should not be allowed to become a chunin. Don't they screen anybody before starting these things?"

"I guess it's the responsibility of each village to send their best genin…"

"So other villages have less common-sense regulation than us. That's good to know."

"I just feel so powerless," she said. "Like everything was happening so fast all around me, and I couldn't stop it. And everyone seems to have such greater power than me. Like I was just in everyone's way."

I put my arm around her. "Actually, I think knowing your limits and knowing when to stay out of the way is a good thing. Just because you're a ninja, doesn't mean you have to be the hero all the time. Stuff was happening in there that shouldn't have been happening. You ran into a screwed up situation. It's not your fault."

"I just want to protect Sasuke with all my heart," she sobbed.

"Well," I said, "I don't know if you can. But you can be a good friend to him, which is probably the next best thing."

She smiled and said, "Let's go to the hospital."

We went to the hospital every day. Sakura was legit devoted to Sasuke. It went beyond a simple crush at this point. I didn't get it, but I respected it, and I was actually a little jealous, because I honestly didn't know what it was like to feel that way about someone.

One day I was going to meet her, and I came across Rock Lee doing freaking push-ups in the field. I had to say something.

"What the freak, kid," I said, kicking him gently. He collapsed with a thud.

"NOOOO!" he cried. "You interrupted my training! Now I have to do 1,000 crunches!"

"Now you have to get back into the hospital bed! Where is your freaking nurse? This is not okay!" I said.

"Saki, I must train, so that I will be ready to compete in the next Chunin Exams."

I knelt down beside him. "You will not be ready to compete in the next Chunin Exams if you don't let yourself heal. You are hurting yourself more. Let's get you back inside, you goof."

I had never seen a boy cry like this boy. His eyes started running like a geyser, and he collapsed into my arms. So here I was, awkwardly cradling an injured ninja kid, and I thought, yep, this is my life now. Thanks, Sakura.

A tall person's shadow fell over us. "You can take him inside, but he'll just come back as soon as you're gone," came his voice. "Better to just let him do it."

"But that's stupid," I said, turning around. The ninja boy had his hair pulled up in a frizzy ponytail and had a permanently bored look stamped on his face.

"What are you gonna do, watch him 24/7?" he asked.

"Maybe I am," I said before I could stop the words from coming out of my mouth.

"Well, that's stupid too," he said, shrugging. "You can't stop people from being stupid. It's a drag, but it's the truth."

"Now that's a truth if I've ever heard one," I admitted. Who was this kid?

"Anyways, I was just watching the clouds under that tree over there. So you can take him or leave him, I don't care, but if you leave him, well, I'll be here."

I stood up and narrowed my eyes at him. "That tree over there, huh? Of all the trees, you pick that one?"

He shrugged. "It's just a tree."

I smiled. "You were keeping an eye on him, weren't you?"

"No!" he recoiled. "I just happened to be there, and he just happened to be there, so, I might have seen him. I don't know."

"Cut the crap. You care."

"I do not."

"Do too!"

He started to blush. It was adorable. "Well, why are you here?" he asked. "Is he your boyfriend or something?"

I gagged. "No, I'm going to meet my friend."

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's a drag."

"You're a drag. Have fun with your weird little pet here. I'm going inside."

Lee, still crying, hugged our legs. "Thank you guys so much for your support! I couldn't do this without you!"

We sighed and carried him together back into the hospital.

By the time I caught up with Sakura, she was leaving Sasuke's room. "Where were you? Sasuke's been asleep for hours, but I waited…."

"I'm sorry," I squeaked. "I got distracted."

She searched me. "What happened? You're acting funny."

"Let's walk and talk. First things first, I have a job here now, so you won't have to wait for me ever again."

"WHAT? When did this happen?"

"Just now. You see, Rock Lee was outside doing push-ups, which is crazy pants, so I brought him in and was like, 'hey, who's job is it to watch this goof?' And they were like, 'I don't know.' And I was like, 'that's really irresponsible,' and we started this whole conversation, and did you know there's a nursing shortage? So I'm gonna train to be a nurse. Of course it's going to take a while. I'll just be doing odd jobs around the hospital during my training. One of them being to keep Rock Lee in his room."

"Wow, that's actually really cool! But I thought you wanted to bartend?"

"Well, I've been thinking, and I might have a hard time restraining myself around alcohol, so…."

"Good call."

"Yeah, I was proud of myself for that one. So, I also met this guy…."

"Okay, stop. Is he a doctor?"

"No, he's a ninja."

"Is he old?"

"No! Like a legit, our age guy that I could seriously be into."

She started bouncing in circles around me squealing. "My best friend's first non-creepy crush!" She hugged me in a ninja grip until I started to turn blue. "Sorry...so, who is he?"

"Shishamaku," I said.

"Huh? I don't know him. When did he graduate?"

"Oh no, you know him. He graduated with you. I must be saying his name wrong. Shimakanu? Shirashiku? No? Damn, well, it starts with 'shi' and ends in-"

"SHIKAMARU?"

"YEAH! That's it! Shikamaru Nana."

"Nara."

"Yeah, Nara, that's it. You still look confused. What's wrong?"

"I'm just...really? Him? He's a huge slacker."

"Yeah, I think I could really relate to that on a spiritual level."

"I thought you were into accomplished ninjas like Kakashi. Shikamaru's just...ehhh."

"What? He's in the final round of the Chunin Exams. That's an accomplishment."

"Well, alright. Honestly, I'm relieved. I thought you might be into Naruto for a while."

"Eww, no, Naruto's my bro. I couldn't think of him like that."

"Good. So, did you talk to him?"

"Well, of course I did, silly. You can't like someone you haven't talked to."

"And you still like him, huh? Alrighty then."

"You're one to talk. Your man once shrugged at cookies. Yeah, we were kinda thrown in together because of Lee. Then he waited for me while I talked to the front desk people."

"Wow! He must have really liked you."

"He tried to play it off like it was some gentlemanly duty or whatever. But I can see through him. So, naturally, since he was being so nice, we went outside and kissed."

"WHAT?! You already kissed him?"

"Well, of course I did, silly. You can't like someone you haven't kissed."

"...Yeah you can. YOU COULDN'T EVEN REMEMBER HIS NAME!"

"Eh, I'll get it eventually."

"So...okay...so what is that, then? Are you his girlfriend?"

"Eh. We decided not to label it. We're just gonna go with the flow. I might not even see him again. Who knows."

"That's...okay…."

"So anyways, are you hungry? I was thinking of getting ramen."

"Okay…."

"What's wrong?"

"You're a very strange person, Saki."

I shrugged and pulled her to Ichiraku.

I did see Shikamaru again. I found him by the tree on one of my breaks at the hospital, and then he came back every day at the same time.

"It's a nice tree. Good cloud watching spot," he said after I confronted him.

"You're full of crap," I said, and I straddled and kissed him.

This scene repeated itself every day for about a week. Then one day he had laid out a blanket and some sushi.

"What the freak is this?" I said.

"Cut the crap and eat," he said.

Our relationship was super romantic.

"So, shouldn't you be training for the Chunin Exams? Kakashi took Sasuke and Naruto away on a big intense training trip."

"Nah," said Shikamaru.

"Kay," I said, and we finished our meal in silence. So romantic.

The next day he tried to teach me a game called Shogi. I really sucked at it, but he didn't get annoyed with me. At least if he did, he didn't show it. We decided we should just stick to what we did best: kissing.

Gradually Shikamaru became more and more present in my life. He walked me to and from work. Then he started eating dinner with my family, or I would go with his. Sometimes I snuck him into the hospital and put him on Rock Lee duty so I could train with the real nurses. And then, when Lee had his physical therapy, the empty room became our make-out place.

* * *

Naruto arrived at the hospital on the back of a giant toad. I was unsure how to react to that, but I figured I should probably just stop asking questions when it comes to him. Anyways, he was passed out cold, so I couldn't talk to him if I wanted to. The giant toad poofed away because of course it did, and the day proceeded as normal. Shikamaru and I stared at clouds on my lunch break. I headed up to check on Lee, and Shikamaru was going to say he was going to visit Naruto until Lee's sensei came to pick him up for physical therapy. But when I got to Lee's room, a weird red-haired kid was there.

"Who the freak are you?" I asked. The kid was just staring at Lee and breathing heavily like a dog staring at meat. He ignored me. Lee was sleeping. "Excuse me? Are you Lee's...friend?" I approached cautiously. I was getting some hella weird vibes.

When I was right behind him, the kid jumped and turned to face me. Woah. Now that was the face of a psycho if I ever saw one. He had big green angry eyes with black circles around them like he'd barely ever slept, and his skin was sickly pale. In an ultimate irony, the word "love" was tattooed on his forehead.

"Go away or die," he said in a voice that made me pee a little from terror.

"Good talk," I squeaked, backing away slowly because I heard something once about sudden movements provoking predators. I slammed the door behind me and finally breathed. My mind was hazy. Holy shit, I thought, we've got a psychopath up in here.

"FIRE!" I shouted. "EVERYBODY OUT! FIRE!" People started confusedly stumbling out of rooms and towards the exits. I slipped into Naruto's room.

"What a drag," said Shikamaru. I tackled Naruto to the ground so he wouldn't run out.

"No fire," I said. "Worse. Much worse. Psychopath. There's a psychopath in Lee's room, and I think he's gonna kill him."

"What?" said Shikamaru. "Then why…."

"I panicked. I dunno. I had to say something."

"Okay, calm down. How do you know it's a psychopath?"

"Because he said 'go away or die' which is basically the same thing as 'hi, I'm a psychopath.'"

"What did he look like?"

"Red hair, love tattoo-"

"OH SHIT," Shikamaru said before bolting out of the room.

"WAIT!" I cried, hopping off Naruto.

Shikamaru grabbed me by the shoulders. "Don't follow me. Get any shinobi you can and send them to the room as fast as possible, okay?"

I gulped. "Right." Shikamaru was hella sexy when he was taking something seriously, but there was no time for that. "Naruto, follow Shikamaru."

"No, not, ugh…," Shikamaru stammered, but I was already out of sight.

I sprinted outside with everyone else. People were staring in confusion at the building, trying to find the fire. I spotted Guy Sensei.

"Guy! Might Guy!" I called, waving my arms frantically.

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Hello...uhhh…."

"Saki. Lee's friend. You see me every day, but whatever. Listen. You've gotta go in there. There's a psychopath, and I think he's gonna kill Lee and Shikamaru and Naruto."

"Slow down there. The arsonist started the fire to kill Lee?"

"Do you see a freaking fire? I made it up to get everyone out. Now go help them!"

"Haha! That's smart thinking there. Ahh, youth."

"Haha!" I said in a panic. "They're gonna die if you don't freaking get in there now!"

"Right," he said, giving me a thumbs up before rushing in. Freaking meathead.

It wasn't long before Shikamaru found me. I had been having a serious discussion with the hospital's owner about getting some freaking security up in there.

"Thanks," said Shikamaru, putting an arm around me. "The monster is gone."

I squeezed him. "Did you kick his ass?"

He turned red. "Uhh...yeah."

"Guy Sensei saved your butt."

"Yeah," he said. "It's a drag." I suddenly erupted with both tears and laughter. Shikamaru slowly took his hands off me. "What…."

I gasped. "I seriously thought you were gonna die."

"I seriously could have died."

"Doesn't that bother you?"

He shrugged. "So what, you'd miss me or something?"

I just couldn't play that game right now. "Yeah, I freaking would!"

He embraced me and kissed me on the forehead. "Alright, alright, calm down. It's all over now."

But it wasn't over. It would never be over. I thought I had grasped the fact that when my friends went away, they might not come back. But Lee had merely been lying in a hospital bed. The enemy came to him. I thought, what the freak, who wants to kill Lee that badly? He's the sweetest little dork I know. This is not okay. It will never be okay, and I will never be over it.

"You coming to dinner?" asked Shikamaru.

I sighed. "I think I should stay with the dorks for a while."

"Okay, see you tomorrow," he said.

Will I, though? I tried not to think about it and went up to Naruto's room. Naruto was staring at the ceiling, and his cheeks looked wet. I realized he had been crying. My first thought was to leave him be, but he saw me and smiled.

"You came to see me, Saki?"

"Calm down, perve," I teased. "I work here now."

"Cool," he said.

I sat down at the foot of his bed. "You alright, Naru-bro?"

He wiped his eyes. "Yeah."

It was an obvious lie, so I tried to distract him with a lighter topic of conversation. "So, toads, huh?"

His face lit up. "I can summon them!"

"Cool…" I said. "Why?"

"Well I made a contract with them that they come when I do the summoning jutsu-"

"Yeah, but, why would you want to?"

He stared at me blankly then sank under his blanket. "Don't make fun of my toads."

"Alright, bro, alright."

"Jiraiya taught me. He also taught me to walk on water."

"Okay, now THAT'S cool. Wait, did you say Jiraiya, like the Sannin?"

"Yeah!" he said. "I call him Pervy Sage. He's my new teacher."

"He might be my grandpa!"

"What?"

"My grandma was a prostitute."

"Oh! That makes sense!"

"So you ditched Kakashi, huh?"

"More like Kakashi ditched _me_. He's training Sasuke."

"Ouch. I just assumed he'd train both of you."

"Yeah...but since Sasuke and I will probably end up fighting each other in the finals, Kakashi didn't want to train us together. So he picked Sasuke."

"That's hella dumb. But good for you, because you got the cooler teacher out of the deal."

"I don't know about that. Jiraiya is weird and pervy."

"Well," I said with a shrug, "so are you."

"I'M NOT!" he exclaimed, and then sank back into his blanket again. "I'm not weird."

"Alright, you just keep telling yourself that. I'm gonna go check on Lee before I go home. Kick Sasuke's ass, will ya?"

He smiled from ear to ear. "Yes ma'am!"

* * *

Shikamaru invited me to dinner with his team before the Chunin Exams. I would be meeting the two people he never shut up about, his sensei Asuma and his best friend Choji. And then there was Ino. I had never met her before, but it only took one look to know that we wouldn't be friends. We locked eyes, and she glared at me, but of course, when we got to the table, she put on a giant fake smile.

"Hi!" she said. "You must be Saki. Sakura never stops talking about you. It's weird we haven't met before."

"Yeah, weird," I said. "So that implies that Shikamaru doesn't talk about me." I nudged him playfully, and he gulped.

"Asuma, Choji, this is my girlfriend Saki," he said.

Everyone's eyes bugged out, including mine. We hadn't used the g-word before. I honestly wasn't sure how I felt about it, but I took his hand under the table. It was sweaty.

"Do you like food?" asked Choji.

"Duh, I like food, who doesn't?" I replied.

Choji winked and gave Shikamaru a thumbs up. "I approve."

"So, Shikamaru, how are you feeling about tomorrow?" asked Asuma.

Shikamaru shrugged. "I don't know. I kinda just want to skip it, honestly."

I took back my hand. "What the freak? Where'd that come from?"

He shrugged again. "It's a lot of work."

"Well, yeah, being a ninja is a lot of work. Being anything is a lot of work. That's just the way it is," I said.

"She's right, Shikamaru. You can't quit now. You've been recognized as one of the best genin in the Leaf. It would be a dishonor to the village, your family, and everyone sitting here now if you quit," said Asuma. Shikamaru sighed. "It's time to grow up. You can't just avoid responsibility forever."

Shikamaru sighed again. "I wish the world wasn't like that."

The rest of the dinner was Ino talking about clothes and shit. What a drag.

The next morning I pounded on Shikamaru's door until he answered. His hair was down. He was shirtless and wearing pajama pants with smiling sushi rolls on them. I wasn't sure if I should laugh at him or make out with him, so I yelled at him. "WHY AREN'T YOU DRESSED?!"

He got flustered. "I was sleeping...what are you...?"

"Time to get dressed. I brought you breakfast. It's a big day! You need your strength."

"Oh, that. Yeah, I'm not gonna…."

"Oh you're gonna. You're gonna so hard you're not gonna be able to gonna any more, that's how much you're gonna."

"That makes no sense."

"IT MADE SENSE IN MY HEAD! NOW GET DRESSED AND EAT YOUR DAMN FOOD!"

"Alright, fine, sheesh. You sound like my mom. This is such a drag."

"You're a drag."

As soon as he was fully dressed, I dragged him out the door to the stadium, handing him morsels of food along the way. In my urgency, we actually arrived pretty early, so we scoped out a private place to make out.

"Woah…," he said when I was giving him a hickey because that's the sexiest thing you can do at that age.

"Yeah?" I said flirtatiously, but he wasn't looking at me. He was looking at the massive crowd that had started assembling.

"That's a lot of people."

"Well, yeah, it's the Chunin Exams. It's a big deal!" I exclaimed, and then I looked at his face. He looked terrified. "Oh…is that what this is all about?"

"What?"

"You have stage fright."

"Nah…."

"Yes you do! I can see it!" I said, slapping him playfully. "Awww…."

"Stahhhp."

"I love when you actually show emotion."

"I'm not showing...hmph."

"Alright, listen, you. You're gonna be an awesome chunin."

He sighed. "You don't even know how I fight."

"Unimportant. At the hospital, when I told you there was a psychopath in Lee's room, you didn't even hesitate. And then you told me exactly what to do. It's like you turned into a totally different person."

"You weren't in the room with us, though. I totally choked. What if I have to fight that guy? I'll just quit."

"Holy crapballs, he's gonna be here? After that? That's insane! Nononono...don't fight that guy...run away...I'm all about the running away in that case."

"We could just run away right now. You and me. Ditch all this noise."

"Shikamaru...are you proposing we elope?"

He blushed. "No! Just go away. Disappear. No more of this crazy ninja business."

I rested my head on my shoulder and sighed. "That'd be freaking fantastic." We sat in silence, looking at the clouds, thinking about life without responsibility. Then I saw a cloud that looked like a cherry blossom and sighed. "Actually...nah."

"Nah?"

"Nah. If I'm being totally honest with myself...I'm kinda addicted to the crazy."

"At least you had a choice."

"Well, you still have a choice, But if I really know you, I think I know what you'll ultimately do."

I wasn't allowed to stay with him during the competition, so I grabbed some popcorn and found Sakura in the stands. She was saving me a seat with Choji and, unfortunately, Ino.

"Saki! Hi!" fake Ino said fakely. "How's Shikamaru?"

"Nervous," I said. "It's pretty adorable. How's Naruto and Sasuke?" I asked Sakura.

"Uhhh...they're not here yet," she said.

"What? Isn't it gonna start soon?"

"Yeah, the officials are waiting, actually."

"You think they're okay?" I looked at the competitors, and my stomach tightened when I saw the psychopath. "I can't believe they're letting that guy compete. He needs to be locked up."

"Sasuke fights him first," Sakura croaked.

"Sasuke's the best," gushed Ino. "He'll be fine."

I glared at Ino, and Sakura said nothing. Because Sasuke didn't show, they started without him. Sakura and I breathed easy again, at least temporarily.

"FIRST MATCH:" boomed the loudspeaker, "NEJI HYGUA VS. NARUTO UZUMAKI."

"Awwww HELL yeah!" I exclaimed, popping out of my seat a little. "So who's this clown who's gonna get his ass kicked?"

"Umm, that would be Naruto," said Ino. "Neji is a genius. Naruto's toast."

"Shut up, Ino, I didn't ask you," I snapped. "Sakura, tell me about this kid."

"He's the best of the Hyuga. A master of Byakugan and Gentle Fist," she said.

"So in nonchak terms, that means what?"

"The Hyuga can physically see chakra with their Byakugan. They fight by targeting chakra points in their opponent's body."

"Alright, so-"

"Naruto's toast."

I sank back in my chair. Neji started swatting at Naruto, who was making clones and dodging the blows like a madman. He started to look pretty exhausted. "BEAT HIS ASS, NARUTO!" I shouted. Everyone gave me disapproving looks, but I didn't care.

This went on for an exhaustingly long time before Naruto started screaming. I'd heard that scream before. It was a very distinct sound he made when he was trying really hard to do something that he probably can't do. I make the same sound myself when I'm faced with a particularly stubborn jar of pickles. Trust me, the screaming helps. You gots to show them pickles who's boss.

Weird orange light started spinning around Naruto. I heard people around me gasping and murmuring.

"What's he doing? It looks awesome," I said.

"I don't know," said Sakura suspiciously. "I've never seen that jutsu before. I don't even think it is a jutsu...it's just...chakra."

"Uh-huh. OH! I got it. He's gonna turn into a toad."

She cracked up. "You're ridiculous."

"No, toads is serious business. Ask him. He gets all defensive about it."

Something went down when we were talking about toads, because there was a great boom that shook the whole stadium. When the dust settled, Naruto was lying lifeless and Neji was standing smugly.

"DAMN!" I exclaimed. "After all that, he still lost. Ahhhh well." Then the lifeless Naruto poofed away, and Neji took a punch to the face! I leapt out of my seat. "OH SHIT! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! SUCK IT HYUGA!" I slammed my popcorn on the floor.

"Whaaatdya do that for?!" Choji cried, staring at the floor.

I composed myself and sat back down. "That was some good shit."

"Are you gonna be like this for every match?" Sakura whispered.

"Oh hell yeah I am," I said. "What? You knew what you were getting when you met me-DAMNIT CHOJI DON'T EAT THAT!"

Choji and I made a concession run before the next match started. Apparently there were some more technicalities while we were gone, and Shikamaru's match was next.

"Oh shit," I said. "Alright, give me the rundown on this Temari chick."

"See that fan? She uses that to control wind," said Sakura.

"Pffft," I said sarcastically. "Okay. _Wind._ Help! The _wind_ is going to kill me. This is gonna be cake." Then she waved her fan, and wind filled the entire stadium. Like I couldn't open my eyes it was whipping by me so fast, and my fresh bag of popcorn blew away. When it finally settled, I couldn't see Shikamaru. "Don't tell me that boy ran from wind," I said.

"No, they haven't called the match, so he didn't run," said Sakura.

"He's in the trees," said Ino.

"What the freak's he doing there?" I said. "I bet he's thinking about quitting. I'm gonna go talk to him."

"You can't! It's against the rules!" said Sakura.

"Sorry, sweetie, you can't make out in the middle of a fight," said Ino.

"Excuse you?" I said. "Can you please explain to me what I did to piss you off?"

"Nothing," she said. "I'm not pissed off."

"Then stop throwing shade at me. I need to go talk to my boyfriend before he does something stupid."

"You can't, and he doesn't need you to, alright?" she snapped. "You see, I've actually fought with him, so, I think I would know better than you."

"Alright, alright," I said. "So what's he doing, then?"

She stared at the trees. "I don't know."

"Mmmmm-hmmmm."

"He's plotting something."

I sighed. "Choji, pass me a snack. I need to stress eat."

Ino rolled her eyes as she tossed a bag of chips at me.

I couldn't bite my tongue. "What is your problem with me?"

"I don't have a problem with you!" she whined.

"Do you like Shikamaru? Is that it? Did I take your man? Or is it Sakura? You're mad at me because you think I stole your best friend, is that it?"

"Will you please shut up for once?!"

"Ohhhhh...I annoy you! It's my personality that you don't like! Alright, that's cool, because I'm not a fan of yours either. I'm not changing, but I won't ask you to change either. Let's just agree to stop being fake to each other. Because see, when I have a problem with someone, I say it to their face so we can maybe work it out instead of bottling it up inside and being passive aggressive all the time. I have a problem with that, so I'm telling you as a human being, I have a problem with you not straight up explaining your problem."

Sakura would have been in tears after such a roast, but Ino was one stone cold bitch. "You're a shinobi slut."

Sakura and Choji gasped, but I cracked up. "Is that all?" I asked.

"You're a non-ninja who tries to get with shinobi guys. It's pathetic, and I have a problem with it. Satisfied?"

"Ino...stahhp…," Choji said uncomfortably.

"Saki, I'm sorry. We can go sit somewhere else," Sakura said. "You're wrong about her, Ino. She's our friend, and she actually cares about Shikamaru. You're just jealous of her since she doesn't have to _try_ to get guys. She's selfless and genuine and awesome."

I gasped. "Awww! I was actually gonna say 'shinobi slut' is a pretty fair assessment of me, but I like what you said too."

"No, don't call yourself that."

"Why not? It's true. Saki Kureji is a nonchak and a shinobi slut. Hey Ino, if you think I'm bad, you should meet my grandma!" But Ino wasn't watching me anymore. Shikamaru had finally made a move, and Temari was paralyzed. I felt a little flush of pride. "Mmm-hmmm, there's my man!"

Then he raised his hand and said something to the proctor.

"THE WINNER IS TEMARI!" boomed the loudspeaker.

"Mother-"

Sakura grabbed me. "Saki, no!"

"-ffffFUCKER!"

"Saki, breathe."

"That's BULLSHIT! She didn't do ANYTHING!"

"Looks like he conceded the match. I'm not surprised. That's the way Shikamaru is."

"He ran out of chakra," said Ino.

"What, that's a thing?" I said. "You can run out?" The three ninja nodded. "Oh wow, that blows. But still. She didn't do anything. She shouldn't win because of that." I sighed. "You know, my mom keeps telling me that a girl my age shouldn't say 'fuck.' But that felt really good just now. It's like therapy. You should try it."

Sakura had stopped talking and was staring at the ring. I realized Sasuke's match was next, but Sasuke still hadn't arrived. As much as I wanted to go jump Shikamaru, I realized staying with her was more important, lest she be left alone with Ino.

"Sakura! Saki!" said the voice of a dork. We turned to see Rock Lee on crutches, followed by Guy Sensei.

"Hey, I'm here too," said Ino.

I jumped over her to hug Lee. "So they finally let you out, huh?"

"Yes, but I will continue my physical training at the hospital." But I'd have to find another make-out room. Damn. "What did I miss?" asked Lee.

"Naruto kicked ASS," I said. "Shikamaru flaked." I was conscious of Ino glaring at me, so I threw in, "And I'm a shinobi slut. Come, sit down."

He was still processing my last sentence and stammered, "I'm afraid I cannot. The crutches and casts are too cumbersome."

"They really should get some special seating for things like that. Ahh well. Sasuke's next, if he ever shows."

The officials were about to call it off when Sasuke and Kakashi appeared. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I sat back down next to Sakura, who looked like she was going to be sick. When I saw Gaara, I didn't feel much better. We didn't talk much during the fight, and I don't think we breathed either. I hadn't even noticed Kakashi had come up to the stands, which was saying a lot for me. Having a boyfriend had not cured me of my Kakashi crush.

"KAKASHI SENSEI! KAKASHI SENSEI!" It was Naruto. We turned around and saw Naruto and Shikamaru looking absolutely terrified. "Kakashi Sensei, you have to call off the match! We just saw Gaara kill two people backstage."

Holy fuckballs. "Yeah, Kakashi, this is getting stupid," I said. "Please don't let Sasuke fight this guy, or anyone, for that matter."

Kakashi remained calm, amused even. "What did you think we were doing all that time we were gone?" he asked. "We knew what we were up against."

"BUT KAKASHI!" Naruto and I said in unison.

"Just watch Sasuke. There's a reason we were so late."

We did as we were told, but I wasn't convinced. I looked back at Shikamaru, and he didn't look convinced either. However, Sasuke was able to take everything Gaara threw at him, even busting through a sphere of sand with a crazy lightning move that got all the ninjas in a tizzy. Then I was attacked by feathers...feathers...feathers...feathers...feathers...fluffy puppies...wine...Shikamaru...cleaning jutsu….popcorn...Kakashi's teeth...empty hospital room...nonchak pride...romance novels...ramen...no more psychopaths...Sakura kissing Naruto...kitty tissue dispenser...ninja abs...fields of flowers...Hokage Uzumaki...a peaceful river...sexy battle scars...floating on a cloud...beating Shikamaru in Shogi...cookies...turning 18...common sense government reform...swearing...true love...

"RELEASE!"

I opened my eyes to see Kakashi bending over me. All the other spectators were unconscious. I heard the clanking of kunai and saw Might Guy roundhouse kick some dude. I reached for Sakura, but she was gone. Just Ino and Choji, looking as confused as I was.

"Do you know where the safehold is?" asked Kakashi, his strong hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah…," I stammered, looking for Shikamaru and Naruto, also gone. "What happened?"

"We're under attack. Get to the safehold as fast as possible. Take Lee with you. Ino and Choji will protect you."

I looked at all the bodies around me. "Are they…?"

"They're fine. You've all been under a genjutsu."

Maybe it was just the after-effect of the genjutsu, but everything still wasn't adding up to me. "So why'd you wake me up?"

"Because if anything happened to you, Sakura and Naruto would never forgive me, and I'd never be able to forgive myself either."

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I wrapped my arms around Kakashi. I started to slide my left hand down his bicep when Ino pulled me off him.

"No time for that! You heard him! Let's get out of here!" she exclaimed.

"Thanks Kakashi!" I called before getting _whooshed_ away a la ninja. That's when I realized I'd wasted a prime opportunity to see under Kakashi's mask.

Choji and Ino dropped us off at the safehold. Civilians were starting to line up. Ino took her headband off from around her waist and put it on her head.

"Alright, we'll hopefully see you guys when this is over," she said.

"Wait, where are you going?" I asked. Then I realized, duh, they were ninjas. They're gonna fight.

"I want to come with you," Lee informed Ino.

"Awww hell no. You're stuck with me, buddy," I said, putting my arm around him. "Thanks, guys. Be careful out there."

Ino smiled. "Saki, I'm-"

I stopped her. "I know. Me too. Go kick ass."

* * *

When we emerged from the safehold, the village was in shambles. People were crying and frantically gathering their friends and families. Store owners cried over their shops and goods. Loose pets were everywhere. I was afraid to see what our home looked like. My parents hadn't been in that safehold, but there were others in the village, so hopefully they had made it to another.

Lee and I traveled back to the stadium where we reunited with Kakashi and Guy. The rest of the civilian audience was stumbling out, newly released from the genjutsu. Our reunion was brief, because the jonin had to go attend to some important business in the capitol building.

"Where do you live?" I asked Lee.

"On the east side of the village," he said.

"Same," I said. "Let's go."

"You don't have to wait for me," he said. "I know I'm slow."

"It's fine," I said, offering him my arm. We stumbled on.

My parents were waiting for me on the bench outside the bar. My mom ran to hug me, tears in her eyes. I looked up to where our apartment used to be. The roof had been ripped off, and the walls were barely there. I could see my bed, sitting right out in the open.

"You're okay," Mom said. "Therefore, we'll be okay. We'll throw some tarps over it until it can be rebuilt. And there's always the bar, if we need more space." She laughed.

"Are your friends okay?" asked Stepdad.

"Oh, don't tell me those kids were fighting!" Mom gasped.

"Well, yeah, mom, they're ninjas!" I looked back at Lee, who was awkwardly standing by. "I'm gonna take Lee home, and then I'm gonna find them, okay?"

"Thank you, Saki," said Lee. "I can take it from here. Go find them, and then tell me if they are okay!"

"Now Lee," said Mom, "if you find yourself in need of someplace to stay, you can always sleep in the bar. That goes for all your little friends, Saki."

"Thank you, Mrs. Kureji-Wu," said Lee. "You are too kind."

I went to the Naras' first. Shikamaru was sitting outside with Ino and Choji. His house was more in tact than most, having only a few holes in it. He kissed me on the forehead as we embraced. I relaxed a little knowing they had all survived.

"Is your family all right?" he asked.

"Yes. But our apartment is not," I said. "It's still there, kinda, if we don't mind living without walls or a roof."

His body tensed in anger, though his face remained calm. Around us, people had already begun rebuilding. "I can send some people your way when we get done here," he said.

"Thanks," I said. "I'm going to go look for Sakura and Naruto now. Want to come?"

He sighed. "Yeah, alright. I was looking forward to just chilling here, but I'm also dying to know what happened to them. It's just…."

"Just what?" I said, standing up.

"I'm just warning you," he said gravely. "There's a really good chance they didn't make it."

My body tensed. "I know."

"No, you don't. Saki, I almost...nevermind. Let's go."

He stood up, and I looked him dead in the eyes. "What aren't you telling me? What did you guys do?"

He explained on the way, about Sasuke chasing Gaara, and then he and Naruto going after him, and how he had been separated from the pack in the pursuit.

"All I remember," he said, "was a giant crash. No, a bunch of giant crashes, coming from the direction they went. It sounded like the whole forest was coming down. I can only conclude that they caught up to Gaara."

I squeezed his hand. We had come to the Haruno residence, which was pretty beat up. Mrs. Haruno spotted me from behind a pile of rubble. "Saki!" she exclaimed. She looked just like Sakura but curvier. "Saki, thank goodness…." She looked from me to Shikamaru, and then her face fell. "You're alive," she said numbly. "That's great." It was all the information I needed. Sakura hadn't come home. I burst into tears, squeezing Shikamaru, then Mrs. Haruno.

Shikamaru interceded. "Hold on. All we know is she's not here. We don't know that she's dead."

"So you weren't with her?" Mrs. Haruno asked. The tears subsided a little. I shook my head. Shikamaru told her what he had told me, and she started sobbing again.

"Mrs. Haruno, I know one last place to go for answers. If they were involved in some high level mission, then they might still be there, with the chunin and jonin. Or at least someone there will be able to tell us where they are." I pulled Shikamaru toward the capitol. "I'll be back!" I shouted to Mrs. Haruno.

We waited outside the capitol until dusk, when Kakashi emerged. He saw us and smiled. I'd learned to read his facial expressions from just his eye, and I knew he was smiling. He sat down next to us.

"Good job, Shikamaru," said Kakashi.

Shikamaru shrugged. "Doesn't feel like it."

Kakashi patted his back. "Unfortunately, a lot of missions feel like that. You made a tough decision, but the important thing is you put the team first."

"Yeahyeahyeah," I said, "Kakashi, what about-"

"Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke are all fine. Sasuke is back in the hospital. The other two had only minor injuries."

"Wow!" said Shikamaru. "So they were successful."

"Very successful. They should be released shortly, along with the rest of the chunin and jonin. Now unfortunately I have to go work on getting things back in order."

"When will the Hokage be speaking?" asked Shikamaru.

Kakashi's eye turned sad. "I'm not supposed to tell you." He stood up, but then paused. "He won't be speaking."

* * *

After the Hokage's funeral, Team 7 minus Sasuke went to Ichiraku. Ichiraku had set up a tent and was serving a basic recipe out of a giant pot. It wasn't the same, but it was comforting. Things were slowly getting back on track. The Naras had helped repair our outside walls and roof, and the Harunos' was almost finished.

"So who will be the next Hokage, Kakashi?" Sakura asked.

I mentally dressed Kakashi in Hokage get-up and laughed. I'd gotten so accustomed to seeing the old guy as Hokage that the outfit looked weird on anyone else.

"Well, that's a loaded question. I honestly don't know. In the meantime, the elders will take care of the village."

"I wish I were older," said Naruto, "so I could be Hokage!"

"I think you'd be a good Hokage, Kakashi," I said.

Kakashi laughed. "Thanks, but no thanks."

I ended up learning a lot that night. I learned about Gaara's crazy raccoon thing and that Naruto had fought it off with a toad. I learned about Orochimaru, the stuff of nightmares. But the most important thing I learned came after dinner. Naruto walked with me.

"Naruto, I feel like I should have asked you this a long time ago, but better late than never," I started. "Where do you sleep?"

"I have a motel room," he said, "but tonight, I guess, wherever I can."

So his place must have been wrecked in the battle. "You know, Lee spent a couple days sleeping in the bar when his house was getting repaired. I'm sure you could too."

"Really? You're sure?" he said.

"Of course," I said. "Like I said, I really should have thought of it before. You're the only one who hasn't met my family yet. They're super chill."

"Wow, thanks Saki!" he said, making a move to hug me, then backing off. I ruffled his hair.

I brought him home and got out the extra tatami and blankets. My mom came out of her bedroom and gasped.

"Hi, Mom," I said nonchalantly. "This is Naruto. He needs a place to stay, so I told him he could use the bar."

"Uh-huh…," she said. "Saki, can I talk to you in private?"

"Yeah sure," I said, handing Naruto the bedding. I followed Mom back into her room. Stepdad was reading the news in bed.

"Saki, do you think that maybe you're getting involved in things you shouldn't be?" Mom asked. Stepdad looked up, his expression puzzled.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "We're just friends. I'm not going to follow them on missions or anything."

"I'm just...worried...about you...and...don't you think it's time you made some friends who were more like you?"

"Huh?" I gasped. "Where's this coming from?" She was lying. I could see she was lying through her teeth. Her words were shaky, and she couldn't look me in the eye. She'd literally never acted like this before.

"We're worried about you, is all," she repeated.

"No, that's not all," I replied. "There's no way that's all. What aren't you telling me?"

"Nothing, dear, just with recent events..."

"But just yesterday Rock Lee was here. Why is this different? Sakura's been spending the night on a weekly basis since we were seven. Why is this different? When I brought Shikamaru home, you were _giddy_ that I was dating a ninja. Why is this different? What's wrong with Naruto?" I stared her down. She had no response.

"There are things you don't understand," said my stepdad. "The boy cannot stay here."

"Why the freak not?"

Naruto knocked on the door and poked his head through. His eyes were puffy. "It's okay. I'll leave."

"NO, it is NOT OKAY! Naruto!"

"Your dad is right," he said. "There are things you don't understand." He dropped the bedding and ran away.

I looked at my parents, flipped them off, and ran after him. Naruto was balling up his jacket and using it as a pillow on the bench outside. He was trying so hard not to cry when he saw me, he was shaking.

"When I was really little," I started. "I saw you sleeping here, and I felt sorry for you, so I put together a basket of food and was carrying it out when my mom stopped me. She said I couldn't ever speak to you. I asked her why, and she said you weren't normal, that you weren't...human. Ironically, her saying that made me want to speak to you even more. Now I've spent a whole lot of time with you. And you can be annoying, and bratty, and dumb, but...you seem pretty human to me. I didn't understand then. I don't understand now. Now if you were like Orochimaru, that I could understand. If you were like Gaara, that I would understand-"

"Then you understand," said Naruto. "Go inside to your parents. They are worried about you."

"Okay, you don't want to explain. Nobody wants to explain. Fine. But I'm bringing you that tatami and those blankets."

He sat upright. "Saki, have you ever heard of a jinchuuriki?"

I shook my head. "Sounds like shinobi mumbo jumbo to me." Thinking he might keep talking, I sat down.

"You know what Gaara was?"

"A psychopath," I answered immediately.

"No," he said. "You know what was inside him?"

"The crazy raccoon thing, yeah. You just explained that at dinner."

"So Gaara had that thing sealed inside him when he was really young," he said, "and that's why he was the way he was. He was all alone. Just him and that thing."

"Right," I said. "But what does that have to do with you?"

He gulped. "I also have a thing inside me."

I couldn't deny I was scared. I studied his face and those marks on his cheeks, the ones I had always assumed were scars or birthmarks. They looked like whiskers. The Fourth Hokage's wife was an Uzumaki. The time line checked out.

"Naruto," I said tentatively, "is this thing the Nine-Tails?" He nodded. "But I thought your-the Fourth Hokage-killed the Nine-Tails?"

"Not killed. _Sealed._ You can't kill a tailed beast, only seal them."

"And they put them in people?! Why the freak don't they put them in, I don't know, rocks or something?"

"Because rocks can't become powerful shinobi. I'm supposed to be a weapon, just like they were using Gaara as a weapon."

"But you're nothing like Gaara!"

"I might have been," he said.

"That's bullshit. You couldn't ever be like Gaara. You're a good person."

"That's because I had good people around me. Gaara had nobody."

"Well, when you put it that way, it's pretty sad," I said. "Nah, he's a psychopath. And the Hidden Sand Village is no better than him because they made him."

"The Hidden Leaf did the same thing," he said. "Many people have been jinchuuriki, in every village."

"Well, I don't care! It's still wrong, especially to do that to a kid," I said. "So you're telling me that people think you could suddenly snap and become like Gaara?" He nodded. "Now THAT'S stupid. That's beyond stupid." I kicked a rock. "Why is everyone so stupid?!"

"You call me stupid all the time."

"Yeah, but," I stammered, "this is a different kind of stupid. Your stupid is whatever. This is large-scale, massive, dangerous stupidity. Naruto, when you become Hokage, promise me you'll fix all this stupid."

He was frozen. "You really think I'll be Hokage?"

"Don't you?"


	4. Saki Is Right

My head was spinning when I went back to my room that night. I didn't sleep. I felt sick. We had all been taught that the Fourth Hokage was a hero, but I don't consider condemning your son to a life of being a _jinchiminey_ very heroic.

Naruto left on a training trip with Jiraiya. I resumed my job at the hospital, and the old routine of nursing and sucking Shikamaru's face came back. I was sufficiently distracted. Only sometimes, when I was in Sasuke's room, I'd hear him moaning and crying out in his sleep. I eventually started hearing that noise in my sleep. I asked Sakura about it, because she was there with him about as often as Shikamaru was with me, but she shrugged.

"He's always awake when I'm there," she said. "Why? Does he say anything?"

"No," I said. "It's just...it sounds like he's in _agony_ , Sakura. So I told the nurses, and they upped his painkillers. But it keeps happening. It's freaking me out." Tears started welling up in Sakura's eyes. "I don't think it's from physical pain," I finished.

"Nightmares," she agreed.

"Does he ever talk to you about…" I started. I was choosing my words very carefully. "I mean, he's always silent when I'm around. Does he talk to you about his life? His past? What's going on in that head?"

She shrugged. "Mostly we just talk about what's going on in the village."

"He doesn't talk about his family, then," I clarified.

"He doesn't talk about much," she said with a slight smile.

I shook my head. "I don't get it, girl. I don't get what you see in him. And if he doesn't start talking through this shit, he's gonna snap."

"I don't get what you see in Shikamaru," said Sakura. "I guess I can just see what a good person he could be, you know?"

I smiled. "I get that. But I worry about you."

"Stop," she said. "You care too much, you know that, right?"

I sighed. "I don't think the rest of the world cares enough."

* * *

Shit started hitting the fan the day Naruto came back from his training trip. I was having a quiet day at work. Shikamaru had been called to something at the capitol, so I was spending my break studying. Then, Naruto and Sasuke rushed past me in the hallway, Sakura following. I grabbed her wrist and asked, "What the freak?"

"Kakashi!" she exclaimed, breaking free. I couldn't drag her around the way I used to anymore. "Outside! Get Kakashi!"

"Man, Kakashi's gonna hafta retire after you guys," I mumbled. Kakashi was easy to find, sitting outside on a bench with another white-haired guy. Kakashi waved when he saw me. "Kakashi Sensei, we've gotta stop meeting like this," I said. "The squad needs you. Only...they didn't tell me where they were going…."

A woman screamed in the distance. "Those kids are fighting on the roof!" she exclaimed.

"Oh shit, you think that's them?" I said.

Kakashi ninja-whooshed away wordlessly. I plopped down on the bench to catch my breath, and then I remembered there was another person there. Because I hate silence, I said, "Kids these days, amiright?"

The white-haired man had red makeup on his cheeks and a thick headband that said "oil," which I thought was hella stupid. He smiled. "Are you one of Kakashi's young leafs?"

"Ehhh," I replied. "I mean, you could say that. I'm not a ninja, though. I just take care of them."

He laughed. His laugh was deep and jovial. "Rough day, huh?"

"Oh, man, you don't even know," I said.

"You look familiar," he said.

I studied him. "Pretty sure I'd remember you if I met you before."

He laughed again. "No, you look like someone I used to know." He stood up and stretched. "Well, I should be off. Nice to meet you, uhh…."

"Saki," I said.

"Beautiful name. I'm Jiraiya." He shook my hand as my mouth fell open. "Ah, I've seen you heard of me."

I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. "Yep. Definitely heard of you."

He ninja-whooshed away.

I went straight to the Naras' after work because I just couldn't deal anymore. My mind had been fucked one time too many. Shikamaru was laying by his favorite tree.

"Let's run away," I said, throwing myself on the ground next to him. "I'm in this time. People are stupid, Naruto and Sasuke almost killed each other, Sakura's a hot mess, and I'm pretty sure I just met my grandpa."

"I'm a chunin," he said.

"Holy shit," I gasped. "That's amazing...HOW?"

"Fuck if I know," he said, tossing a rock into the air and catching it. I might have been a bad influence on him in the vocabulary department.

"I mean, nothing against you or anything, but you totally flaked that match."

"I know, right?"

"Well, that settles it. We have to run away."

"Yep."

"Nothing makes sense anymore."

"Nope."

"Totally crazypants."

"Yep."

"And I'm pretty convinced that without us, it would fall apart."

"Good riddance."

"You said it."

"Let it fall."

"Motherfuck."

"What?"

"We have to stay."

"Nah."

"They need us."

"Nahhh."

"You were made a chunin for a reason! You have something nobody else has! SANITY!"

"You're probably right."

"I hate when I'm right."

"What a drag."

"Mmmmm-hmmmm."

I stayed at Shikamaru's way past my curfew, and I decided that since I was already late, I might as well cut my losses and take the scenic route home. I was walking along the outskirts of the village, typically the quietest parts, when I saw a homeless girl sleeping on a bench. My memories of that night with Naruto came flooding back. To top it all off, she even had pink hair like Sakura's... Motherfuck.

I shook her, and she gasped. "Saki?"

"Girl, what the freak is this?"

"Where's Sasuke?"

"Freak if I know. Have you been sleepwalking?"

"No," she said, attempting to sit upright. "I followed Sasuke…."

"Yep, you're sleepwalking. Come on, let's get you home."

"No! Sasuke was talking to some strange ninja, and then he came this way,so I followed him-"

"I'm pretty sure that's stalking."

"-I think he was going to Orochimaru!" My jaw dropped. I had no words. "Saki," she said, "please tell me you saw him come back."

I sat down, knowing that tears were coming. "I didn't, Sakura. I'm sorry." She started sobbing on my shoulder. "Oh god...Sakura, why were you unconscious?"

* * *

"KILL HIM," I ordered Shikamaru.

"DON'T KILL HIM," Sakura counter-ordered.

Shikamaru had his first mission as a chunin: to kill Sasuke Uchiha.

"I'm supposed to bring him back alive," he said.

"HA!" Sakura exclaimed, pushing me to the ground.

"But if we can't," he said, "we'll have to do what we have to do."

"NOOOOOOO!" she shrieked.

"Sakura, he's gone rogue!" I said, pulling myself up by her dress. "We can't leave him out there!"

"Exactly why we bring him back here!" she said.

"But you realize it's not going to be all sunshine and rainbows just because he's back, right? They can't just ignore what he did. It's not going to go back to normal, ever. No, scratch that, there wasn't _ever_ a normal with him. Dammit, why was I so right about this!?"

"You never liked him," sneered Sakura. "I bet you're happy he's gone."

"Girl, look at me," I said, grabbing her by the shoulders. "I'm pissed off right now. About so many things. But the main thing is you're hurting, and as your best friend, I want to hurt the thing that's hurting you. And right now, that's Sasuke. So I'm sorry if I'm a little intense. It comes from a place of love. I would love if you could be happy with him. But I just can't see it right now, girl."

Sakura gazed down the road where Shikamaru had gone. I sighed. "Go after them. I know you want to."

So. Much. Stupid.


	5. Best Friend Mission

"If I'm being completely honest, I'm mad I didn't do something about it," I said.

Lee had been training every day by the hospital, and I was overseeing him. I was supposed to be taking notes on his recovery, but today, I just used the time to vent.

"And what could you have done?" Lee asked mid push-up.

"I don't know!" I sighed. "But I knew, you know? I could tell something was off. I could have talked to someone. Kakashi, the Hokage...fuck, I could have talked to _him_ , you know? Instead I just...called him emo behind his back."

"I do not know what emo is," said Lee, "but you are being too harsh on yourself. This is not your fault. Many people tried and failed to befriend Sasuke."

"I'd feel better if I did try," I said. "Sakura's right about one thing. I wrote him off from the beginning. I feel like I helped push him out the door."

"This is not your fault," Lee said again.

"Thanks, Lee. I probably need to hear that on a regular basis," I said.

"Then I will say it each time I complete a lap around the hospital," he declared.

Goddammit, I thought, what did we do to deserve Lee?

I went to the Harunos' after work to make up with Sakura. I'd been avoiding her since the whole "KILL HIM" incident because I was afraid I'd say the wrong thing. Sakura's eyes were puffy when she came to the door. It made me want to beat Sasuke to a pulp, but I pushed the thought from my mind.

"Hey," I said, "listen. Shikamaru gave me something before he left, and I was hoping you could teach me how to use it."

She didn't say anything, so I reached into my purse and pulled out my kunai.

"Oh!" she said, her face lighting up. "He didn't teach you anything?"

"He said, and I quote, 'It's easy. You stab people.'"

The absurdity of it crept over her and sent her into a giggle fit. "That's Shikamaru."

"What a drag, right?"

She laughed again. "I can teach you some basic moves, sure."

* * *

Basic moves my ass. I could stab all right, but when it came to blocking another stab, I was useless.

"If this were real, I would be dead," I said.

"Maybe you're not a close combat type," said Sakura. "Let's try throwing it."

"Do you want to _actually_ die?!" I exclaimed. "Dude, what was Shikamaru _thinking_ giving me this? I shouldn't have this. You take it."

She shook her head. "He wants you to be protected when he's gone. I think it's sweet. Anyone can learn basic kunai. It doesn't take chakra, just coordination. Every non-ninja who marries into a ninja family has to learn some kunai or shuriken."

"Woah woah woah woah woah," I said, dropping the kunai. "Did you say _marry_? Do you think this means Shikamaru wants to marry me?"

"Ummm, I don't know," she said, "but it's fun to think about, right?" She ruffled my hair.

"I don't think about that ever," I said.

"Really? I always think about being married. That's really weird."

"I mean, Shikamaru and I talk about running away together, but it's a big joke. No, not marry. Never marry."

"Never?"

"Well, I mean...I don't know! This is so stressful."

"What are you with him for if you don't want to marry him?"

"He's hot," I said immediately. "And he calms me down when I'm spazzing out."

She kept staring at me, waiting for me to say more. I had no more.

* * *

Shikamaru rarely ever knocked on my door, so I knew it was bad news. We went to my room, and he sat down on my bed and cried. I was shocked. I wrapped my arms around him and cried too.

"I'm a failure." They were the first words he said had since coming inside.

"No," I said. It was a knee-jerk reaction. I then realized I had no idea how bad it actually was.

"Sasuke's still out there," he said. "I could neither capture nor kill him. How pathetic is that? And those three ninja from the sand village had to come bail us out. Such a drag."

"But everyone's safe, right?"

He didn't answer for a long time. Then he moaned, "Choji."

My heart broke. "Oh god. What…?"

"He's in intensive care. So is Neji. They could still pull through. Barely."

"So they're not dead? So that's good. You did good, Shikamaru."

He laid down. He'd stopped crying, but he was really depressed. I laid beside him. "I want to resign as a chunin. I don't ever want to feel this way again," he said.

I didn't know what to say to that, so I took his hand and stroked it. "I started learning the kunai."

"You stab anybody?"

"I almost impaled Sakura the first time," I laughed. "She stopped teaching me." He couldn't help but laugh as well. "So now I'm learning from this Tenten girl. She's a beast."

"Oh wow, she's the best in our grade at kunai," he said. "Although I was kinda looking forward to teaching you myself."

"Really?" I said. "I thought you'd think that'd be a drag."

"I thought you'd be adorable."

"Dude, I'm deadly, but for all the wrong reasons." His tears were gone now. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"You just did, weirdo."

"Hahaha, no," I said. "What are you dating me for?"

"What?"

"It's nothing, forget it," I said, blushing.

"I think you're hot," he said. "And you make me want to get up and do things."

I straddled him and kissed him. "That's literally the best thing you could have said."

* * *

Things were heavy for a while, so I was grateful for my time training with Tenten.

"Throwing knives is so relaxing," I said. "Almost as good as swearing."

She laughed nervously. "Relaxing for you, maybe."

"Fair," I said. In the course of the day, I had hit the target once. The other times it went around or bounced off. "I'm sorry I'm such failsauce."

She was thinking. "Maybe you need some more motivation." She leaned in and whispered, "Who's someone you hate?"

I liked the way she thought. But since I didn't know her very well, I wasn't sure what a safe name to give her would be. Sasuke? I couldn't pretend to throw kunai at Sasuke. I'd end up just thinking about Sakura and spazz out. The Fourth Hokage? Ahh, no, I definitely can't say that one. That would take A LOT of explaining. Gaara was apparently "reformed" now, and though I thought that had to be bullshit, he was evidently off limits as well.

"Orochimaru," I said.

"Good choice," she said. "First he takes the Hokage, then Sasuke…."

"Wait. No," I said suddenly. "That's not right. He's not the problem. He's just a distraction." She looked at me, puzzled, but she didn't say anything. That lack of interruption gave me clarity. The name entered my brain, and it felt right. Though I had never seen him before, I had seen the destruction left in his wake. Sakura's pain, those cold eyes, the cries in the night, all boiled down to one person:

"Itachi Uchiha," I said. I threw the kunai. It landed.

* * *

The next three years passed slowly because nothing major happened in the village. Naruto left on another training trip with Jiraiya. I had to convince myself that it was just a coincidence that everything became so peaceful after he left.

Tenten graduated me from kunai, saying she had taught me all she could without jumping into actual taijutsu. I also graduated from nursing training as a physical therapy specialist. When I went to tell Sakura, there was something forced in her celebration. My first instinct was that she was thinking about Sasuke, so I ignored it and continued trying to distract her. I brought her to dinner with my family, who were just as goofy as I was. Grandma was asking about Jiraiya. Sakura was laughing and all, but still depressed. So we went for a walk and talk.

"Alright, girl," I said. "Whatever you need to get off your chest, go for it. I promise to do nothing but listen."

"Pssh," she said. "We both know you can't do that."

"Try me."

"Naruto's training with Jiraiya. You just became a nurse. Sasuke is learning from Orochimaru, not that that's good thing, but I guess I'm feeling a little left behind is all."

She looked at me, blushing. I was biting my tongue. She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, permission to speak?" I asked.

"I'm impressed," she said. "But yes."

"The answer to your problem is so obvious you can't even see it."

"Alright, what's that?"

"Lady Tsunade."

"Ohhhh nonononono, I can't do that."

"Because?"

"Because she's the Hokage! You don't just go busting into the Hokage's office and say, 'hey, you don't know me, but train me.'"

"Why not? Kinda sounds like that's what Naruto did with Jiraiya."

"Jiraiya is not Hokage."

"True, but it's really not that much different. Come on. The boys will not be expecting it. It would be awesome."

"It would be," she agreed. "Alright, I'll ask Kakashi if he can put in a good word for me."

"Fair," I said. "Or we could go right now."

"Ok, we'll go right now-"

"Really?!"

"-to find Kakashi!"

"Fair," I grumbled.

* * *

"Well, Sakura," said Kakashi, "why don't you just ask her yourself?"

"HA!" I shouted. "I told her, Kakashi."

We found him outside the capitol building. He gestured upwards. "I just left her office. She's not busy. Go ahead and ask her."

"I told her, Kakashi," I repeated.

"I'm sure you did, Saki," he laughed. Sakura was staring at the building, terrified. "We'll walk up there with you," he coaxed, "but you can go in by yourself."

"Awww man, I kinda want to meet her," I whispered.

"I'm sure there will be plenty of time for that," he said. "Come on, let's go."

* * *

I high-fived Kakashi when Sakura came out all smiles. I rarely saw her frown after that. Best friend mission: Accomplished!


	6. Saki of the Desert

We were growing up.

I watched Sakura and Lee become chunin, and all the rest of her class. I rooted for them all, even Ino.

Shikamaru and I broke up. We separated just as casually as we had come together. There had been no giant argument or anything that caused it. We'd just outgrown each other. It was a drag, but that season of our lives had ended. I was still waiting to feel that deep devotion to someone like Sakura felt for Sasuke. As much as I thought it was strange and even unhealthy, I wanted it.

My boobs grew two sizes. It was annoying, but I really can't complain. I stopped wearing my hair in pigtails and just let it fall straight. I started wearing make-up: red eyeliner and lipstick. My mom said I was looking more and more like the female version of my biological father. I had a hard time deciphering what she meant by that, but ultimately took it as a compliment.

Since Sakura had learned medical ninjutsu, and I knew regular medical stuff, we actually started working together a lot. It was just what I'd always wanted, to work alongside ninjas, without, of course, the actual ninja-ing.

And before we knew it, the bro was back in town. I was eating lunch and reading _Make-Out Tactics_ when the knock came to my door. I could only see Sakura at first, so I invited her in, and then Naruto appeared.

"Holy fuckballs!" I exclaimed. "Naru-bro!"

"Saki! Wow!" he said. I slapped him, because he was staring at my chest.

"Look at you! You're taller than me now!" I said.

"I know, right?" laughed Sakura. "I didn't recognize him until he was right next to me."

"Right? Except then you really look at him, and it's obvious," I said.

"Oh, for sure."

"Same blonde hair, same whiskers, same stupid expression on his face," I said.

"Different jacket," said Sakura.

"Still dorky," I finished.

His was seething. "I'm right here!"

"And we're glad," I said, finally hugging him. Just to watch him squirm, I kissed his cheek, leaving a big red smear. Sakura slapped me.

The three of us went to Ichiraku, and then we snuck into the bar and stole some booze. It was gross sake, but it was satisfying none the less. Lee came over, and I was able to coerce him into taking a shot. My bedroom was destroyed and my mom was pissed, but ohmygod, it was hilarious.

This was my life now, and it was awesome. But of course, since Naruto had come back to town, crazy followed him. And I'm not just talking about Jiraiya.

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait, back up. The Kazekage is WHO?"

Sakura had brought me to the capitol on account of some special mission she was about to leave on with Kakashi and Naruto.

"Gaara," said Naruto, as calmly if he were saying, "Bob."

"Run this by me again. I don't think I understand," I said.

"After we fought, Gaara changed," said Naruto. "He stopped killing people and wanted to do good, so he became Kazekage."

"Is Suna on crack?!" I exclaimed. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Like, okay, I can accept he stopped killing people. But Kazekage? He's younger than us."

"Actually," said Kakashi, "younger than him have been Kages. The title usually goes to the strongest in the village. In Suna, that happened to be Gaara."

"That's insane," I maintained, "but even more insane are these Akatsuki people who captured him. They're just asking for it."

"We're going after them," said Kakashi. "The Hidden Sand is thin on shinobi, so they reached out to the Leaf for help."

"Sounds like a trap to me," I said. "But alright. It was nice of you all to tell me before you _whooshed_ away. I'll be worried about you."

Everyone had a weird smile on their face. There was still something they weren't telling me. "The Hidden Sand is also low on nurses," said Sakura. "So I volunteered you to come with us."

"Get out!" I exclaimed, pushing her. "You're making that up. You made up an excuse to get me to go with you. And, uhhh, won't I slow you down?"

"Not at all," said Kakashi. "I can carry you."

"So what do you think, Saki? Wanna come to Suna with us?" asked Naruto.

"Of course, you'll be staying at the hospital while we're on the mission," Sakura clarified.

I jumped into Kakashi's arms. "Suna or bust! Team Kakashi on three! One two-"

"Now Saki, you know you're not really-" started Kakashi.

"Shut up, Kakashi. You know I am. _And you like it._ "

Two more years, I though. Two more years, and I'll be 18.

* * *

So apparently I have motion sickness. It really killed the vibe between me and Kakashi. Every time we stopped, I vomited. Sakura couldn't do anything about it, so I just had to deal.

I learned that these Akatsuki people hadn't taken Gaara because he was Kazekage; they took him because he was a _jinchiminey_. It was ironic in a sick way, how nobody wants _jinchiminies_ until they're planning to do something bad. And if Naruto was a _jinchiminey_ , why the hell were we taking him TOWARDS the Akatsuki? I became more convinced that this "help us save Gaara" thing was a ruse, and maybe the Akatsuki was made up, and the Hidden Sand was going to take Naruto for themselves. Although, if they did that, they'd probably just end up very disappointed. Naruto was a good enough ninja, but not exactly mass murder material. Heck, they'd probably go numb from all of his questions. I giggled out loud as I thought of it. Ha, come at us, Suna. I kinda want to see this now.

* * *

We met up with a girl from Suna. I laughed when I recognized her as that Temari girl who had "won" against Shikamaru in the Chunin Exams. She was Gaara's sister, and she seemed very sincere when talking about Gaara, even bringing Naruto to tears. Well played, Suna, well played.

Temari took us to the capitol building, but we were diverted immediately to the hospital because her other brother had been poisoned. This was definitely real. He was shaking and moaning from the infection. I felt for them. Even if there was a trap, this was some shit. If it wasn't a trap, then DAMN. That's one crappy fucking day.

Their head medical ninja was a woman who looked like she could die at any moment. Looked, not acted. She attacked Kakashi the moment she saw him because he looked like some guy who was on her personal shit list. I had a weird feeling that I was meeting an older version of myself, if I could do ninjutsu.

Sakura immediately set to work on the brother.

"Is there anything I can do, Granny Chiyo?" I asked. That's what they called her; everybody called her Granny.

"I'm a medical ninja, and I couldn't do anything. You're a nonchak. What are you going to do?" she asked bluntly.

"Fair, fair," I said, backing away. I wasn't offended, because it was true.

Sakura called me into the room, though. She was ordering the Sand Village nurses around like a boss. It was a joy to watch. "Saki, is there anything you can do for his pain?" she asked.

"Just painkillers," I said. "Other than that, there are massage techniques and good old fashioned distraction."

"Do what you can," said Sakura. "This next part is going to hurt." A bubble materialized in Sakura's hand. "Everyone, hold him down." We did as told. I massaged around the area Sakura was going to try the extraction from. She pushed the bubble into him, and he shouted in agony. "HOLD HIM!" she ordered again, pulling the bubble back out of his body.

"Hey, you," I said, snapping my fingers in front of his face. "Hi, I'm Saki. What's your name?"

"Kankuro," he croaked.

"Are you flirting with him?" Temari whispered incredulously.

"Distracting. It's one of my specialties," I said.

"Please do not interfere with Saki," Sakura ordered, shoving in another bubble.

Damn straight. Although if I was being honest, I couldn't promise I wouldn't flirt with him later. It's certainly not professional to check out your patients, but, come on, some things are just too obvious to ignore. "Kankuro," I repeated. It was a fun name to say. "Describe your favorite food for me."

"Curried lamb," he said, groaning.

"Describe it. Immerse yourself in curried lamb. Give me the curried lamb experience. I haven't had it before," I said. That was a lie, but I needed to get his head out of the hospital room. The other nurses chuckled, but they could laugh all they wanted, because it was working. Holding him down was getting easier and easier.

He actually smiled. "It's powerful. My mouth is on fire. But then there's the juice from the lamb, and sweetness in the sauce. And you forget how much it hurt you the first bite, so you take another."

"Now it sounds like you're describing an ex-girlfriend," I said. Everyone laughed.

"Finished!" said Sakura. We high-fived.

I was made Kankuro's personal nurse. A Sand nurse took me around the hospital so that I had an idea of how they operated and where I could find what I needed. Although they might as well have skipped that part, because I would forget it all and end up asking everyone anyways. After my tour, everyone else had already left. I told the nurse I wanted to check Kankuro before leaving for the night, and they left me alone with him, exactly the way I wanted it. He was on the verge of sleeping. He had two IVs, one pumping him with nutrients and the other with a strong painkiller, which meant his thoughts would be a little muddled, just the way I wanted him.

"Thanks for earlier," he said. "You're very funny."

"You're very welcome," I said politely. Then I pulled up my skirt. My kunai was strapped in a garter around my thigh. I whipped it out and pushed it to his throat.

"Alright, you," I whispered, "tell me what your plan is."

His face changed from interested to terrified to confused. "Plan?"

"Admit it," I said. "There's no Akatsuki. Gaara's not kidnapped. It's all a ploy to lure Naruto here."

"Naruto?" he said. "What would we want with him?"

"Why would you call in Leaf ninjas to rescue your own Kazekage?"

He let out his breath and chuckled. "Wow," he said, "I'm impressed."

"So it's true?" I asked in a panic, pushing the kunai so that the metal touched his skin.

"It's not, but I would have the same suspicions if I were in your position. I'm impressed. Are you a genin?"

"Nonchak."

"Really?"

"But if anything happened to the my friends, and it was your fault, I would slit your fucking throat."

"Is that so, huh? Well, the sad thing is you probably could in the state I'm in. But I assure you, the truth is darker, and has nothing to do with the Leaf. The truth is the village elders don't really want Gaara to come back. That's why they won't send their own people after him."

I loosened my kunai. "Sneaky bastards," I said.

He relaxed, keeping an eye on my arm. "You're not convinced."

"Not completely," I admitted. "Although your story makes sense. I myself couldn't believe Gaara had changed so much that he would be Kazekage."

"Actually, he _has_ changed that much. I had a hard time with it at first too, but something happened between him and Naruto that day that changed him. But like you, the elders couldn't stomach it. They made him Kazekage, not to put him in power, but to retain power over him. Keep him close."

"Well that's...that's either insane or brilliant. But it sucks, for Gaara, you know, if he's trying to go good and all. Damn, what did Naruto DO to him?"

"I wish I knew," said Kankuro. "So, about that kunai…." His hands moved so fast, I was on the ground before I knew what happened. He had bumped my arms so that I lost my balance, and I landed on my ass. He sat up, twirling the kunai through his fingers, staring me down smugly. Oh man...I felt tingly in more than just my ass. "You're good," he said. "Shouldn't have told me you weren't a ninja, though. I was actually scared for a while." He handed the kunai back to me.

I slipped it back in my garter, conscious of his eyes moving up my leg. "I'm so sorry," I started, flushed. "That was easily the dumbest thing I've ever done."

"That took some guts," he said. "I'm impressed. But I would like to try and get some sleep now."

"Right," I said. "Sorry."

"See you tomorrow?"

He still wants me to be his nurse? I smiled more than I professionally should have. "Yes, tomorrow."

He fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow again. "Curried lamb…," he mumbled.

* * *

The next morning, I put on my Sand village nurse's robe, an ugly green smock and a white head scarf. The scarf at least could be cute. I played with peaking different degrees of my hair out from under it before settling on the right ratio. My favorite red make-up clashed with the green, so I used black eyeliner and no lipstick. I looked in the mirror trying to convince myself it was sexy, to no avail.

I took breakfast to Kankuro. He was awake, staring out the window. He didn't recognize me until I spoke. "How are you feeling today?" I asked.

"Oh, hey," he said, suppressing a laugh at my attire. "Ugh, not good. I'm still in a lot of pain."

I changed his painkiller IV. "Where does it hurt?"

"All my joints, basically. It hurts anytime I move."

"Can you sit up?"

"Yeah," he said, groaning a little as he did so. I went around behind his bed and started massaging his neck and shoulders. "You do this to all your patients?" he asked with a sly smile.

"I do, actually. I specialize in physical therapy. Half of healing is in making the patient as comfortable as possible. This hospital could use some work on that."

"Hm?"

"I'd like to get some incense in here," I continued. "And some paintings. And some books, so you're not just sitting around thinking about how miserable you are."

"What I really want is…." He stopped.

I sucked in my breath. "What?"

"You're gonna laugh."

"You know, this is the part where I'm supposed to tell you I won't, but I know myself and I can make no such promise," I said, working my hands down his spine.

"It's okay, everyone who isn't from around here laughs," he said. "And I like your honesty." He paused again. "I'm a puppet master." I bit my tongue. I'm not sure what I was expecting to hear, but that wasn't it. "Go on and laugh," he said. "You won't after you see them, but go on, get it out of your system." An ugly cackle escaped my lips, and he hung his head laughing as well. "I told you you'd laugh."

When I came to, I asked, "What does that mean?"

"What do you think it means?"

"Oh, boy, you don't want to know what I think it means."

This time he laughed so hard he hurt himself. I instructed him to lay back down. "They're weapons," he explained. "I control them with chakra strings from my fingers."

"Oh, okay," I said.

"It's a Suna thing. Granny Chiyo was a puppet master, and so is the guy who attacked me, who your friends are probably going to meet."

"Gotcha," I said.

"But the best part is my outfit."

"Oh yeah?"

"Puppet masters cover their entire bodies except their faces. And they paint their faces."

I stared at him blankly, trying to imagine what he was describing. "Is this supposed to be impressing me? Because it's all just a little bit weird."

He laughed. "I'm warning you. I'm the only one of my siblings who picked it up, and I decided if I was going to do it, I was going all in, makeup and all."

"Hey, whatever floats your boat," I said. "Ummm...I've gotta go now, but I'll be back before lunch. Anything special you want me to bring you? Books, music…?"

"Nah, I'm good, I'll just go back to sleep. I feel better now, thank you."

* * *

I lit some incense in his room when I came back. He was either a light sleeper or pretending to sleep, because he woke up as soon as walked in. He didn't say anything, just watched me move from the incense to the IV.

"How do you feel?" I asked.

"Better," he said.

"Good," I said, starting to check his vitals. "At this rate, we might have you out of here by tonight."

"So, what's your story?"

"My story?"

"You're not a ninja, yet you come here with them all the way from the Leaf, and then you threaten my life if anything happens to them. That's not something you see, ever. Non-ninja don't travel with ninja unless it's an escort mission."

"I'm one of a kind," I said with a wink. "But it's really not an exciting story. I met Sakura when I was little, and we've been best friends ever since." I shrugged. "That's it. No mystery."

"Interesting," he said. "And they gave you that kunai?"

"That was my ex," I said.

"Ex," he repeated.

"Mmmm-hmmm." I finished my exam. "Yeah, if you can walk and stuff, I'll prescribe some painkillers, and I'd say we can let you out after dinner."

"Great," he said. "So...what will you be doing after dinner?"

Puppet master, you ain't slick. "Well," I teased, "I guess I wait for squad to come back. I'd like to learn what I can from this place before I leave."

"When do you leave?"

"When squad leaves. It's a round trip."

"I see," he said, his eyes dropping.

"Though Sakura said I was to _personally_ take care of you. So I suppose if you still needed any attention after you leave, I am bound to provide that for you."

"Ohhhkay," he said, turning red. "I will keep that in mind."

"See you later," I said, conscious of my voice sounding higher than usual. I closed his door behind me and resumed my other duties.

My trainers had warned me this would happen, one of my patients falling for me and hitting on me. What they didn't tell me is I might want it back. I mean...my god... _really_ want it. This was a delicate situation, because not only was he my patient, he was the Kazekage's brother. If I wasn't careful, this could turn into a thing. I could develop a reputation. I should resist this. It would never work out anyways, us living in different nations.

Though, I suppose nobody said it had to be a _relationship_. It could be, just a thing that happened. I'd heard about things happening between uncommitted people. Heaven knows Shikamaru and I started that way. Arguably, we had been uncommitted the whole time we were committed. Sakura frowned upon that. If I went through with this, I'd never hear the end of it from her, that was sure. If anyone else found out, I'd _definitely_ be labeled a shinobi slut...

Fuck it.

I walked arm-in-arm with Kankuro out of the hospital. I in my robe and headscarf, we blended in with all of the other couples strolling the streets.

"So...," I said, looking around. Squad and I had been so rushed when we got here that I hadn't had the chance to take in the sights. But then I realized there weren't many sights. Everything looked the same everywhere. "So, you guys weren't kidding around when you named this the 'Sand Village.' The Leaf village has, I feel, a moderate amount of actual leaves. But you've got sand for days. Sand on the ground, sand in the air, buildings made of sand…."

"Oh, you noticed that, huh?" he laughed. "Yeah, it blows."

"Ugh, no shit, it's in my eye. How do you live like this?"

He shrugged. "I was born here. You get used to it."

He lived in a sand mansion right next to the capitol. It was pretty sweet. Our footsteps echoed when we walked inside. He lead me up the stairs to a workshop room with dismembered wooden bodies decorating the walls.

"You won't see this in the Leaf," he said with a sly grin.

"I don't think I want to," I said. "This is terrifying."

"That's the point," he said. He held out his palm to the wall, and one of the bodies started to move.

I jumped with a squeal and pushed myself against the door. The puppet walked towards me, and I saw the little shiny blue strings connecting it to Kankuro's hand. My fear melted away to fascination. I walked cautiously towards it. The puppet extended its hand, and I poked it, expecting something to happen. But it was only wood. I giggled nervously and examined the chakra strings. "Can I touch those?"

"Go for it," he said. I tried to grab the string connecting Kankuro to the puppet's arm, but it just went straight through my hand. I opened my palm and just stared at the little blue beam that ran through me but felt like nothing. "Your face," he said, "is hysterical."

I moved my hand back and forth along the string. "This is weird!"

"Now, if a rival ninja had done what you're doing, they'd get zapped," he said. "But I guess my chakra knows you're friendly."

I dropped my hand. "You mean you didn't know what would happen?"

"I was 90% sure," he defended. He pulled his hand backwards, and the puppet returned to the wall. "This one's just a base. Once I install some weapons in it and give it a personality, it'll be ready for battle."

I chortled at "give it a personality." "So you're like a mad scientist up here," I said.

"Exactly," he said, his ego inflating. "So what do you think?"

"You always bring girls up here, don't you? It's a test, isn't it?"

He blushed. "Yeah…," he answered, voice shaking from embarrassment.

"How many pass this test?"

"Ehhhh…," he groaned. Information acquired.

I locked my eyes on his and moved towards him. "Well, I told you," I said, "I'm one of a kind." I grabbed his face and kissed him.

* * *

I had never spent the night with a guy before. Once, when Shikamaru and I had been alone at his house, we'd stripped down to our underwear and awkwardly pawed at each other. So I wasn't sure what to expect, or how I'd even be received, when I found myself turning back towards the mansion that evening.

In our initial make-out session, we'd already gotten to the awkwardly pawing stage, although "awkward" actually isn't a word I'd use to describe it. Now, I'm a classy lady. I believe that the dirty details of what happens behind closed doors should stay between the people behind those doors. So, perves, I'll be using adjectives and innuendos from this point forward when addressing certain parts of my night. You can use your own pervy imaginations to fill in the blanks.

The word I would use to describe the make-out grope session is "spicy." Like curry.

So we finished the curry, and I felt satisfied, so we put our clothes back on (because you have to take your clothes off, when the curry gets that spicy, or you'll overheat). We made plans to see each other tomorrow for lunch. _Actual lunch_ , people. End innuendo. Minds out of the gutter.

So I returned to my hotel room, and I felt hungry again. Actual hungry! And I didn't know my way around the Sand, so, I turned to the only person I knew who did. I went back to the mansion.

I was super nervous when I knocked on the door, afraid he was going to think I was some crazy stalker. I thought, maybe he didn't hear me, so I started to turn around.

"Saki!" he exclaimed after he'd make it to the door. I had no reason to worry. He looked like a kid in a candy store. He also had purple stripes all over his face. It was strange, but, I wasn't turned off. Test two, passed!

"So, I know I just left, and I told you to rest, but, I was hoping you could point me in the direction of some ramen?" I felt my face flare up.

He leaned against the doorway and narrowed his eyes. "You passed, like, three ramen places on the way here."

I sucked in my breath. "But which one's the best?"

"Follow me," he said with a smile.

* * *

Sunagakure might be a sweltering hell-hole during the day, but that sunset, my god, that sunset alone was worth the trip. Ohygosh, people, I'm talking about an actual sunset. I'll let you know when to put your mind back into the gutter, alright? Sheesh.

After ramen, Kankuro and I had gone to the roof of the capitol to see the sunset. He opened up about his brother, and I felt like I finally got it, how Gaara had changed and what that must have meant to Naruto. We wondered where they were now, and if they were safe.

After another light make-out, I conceded that he really needed to rest now and apologized for dominating his time. He rejected my apology, because none was needed.

"I'm really happy you came here," he told me as I was walking out the door. "And I can't wait to see you again tomorrow."

When the door closed behind me, my heart was pounding. What if squad came back before I could see him again? I could be whooshed back to Konoha in the middle of the night for all I knew. And I couldn't say what difference it would actually make. Kankuro and I had a connection, that was true, but I wasn't in love with him or anything. There wasn't enough time for that. There wasn't enough time for anything.

But there was time now. I knocked on the door again, only to find his hand was on the knob. He pulled me inside, like I was one of his puppets. Innuendos back on.

* * *

Here is a list of details I'm willing to divulge:

1\. The night both failed to live up to and exceeded my expectations. More girls need to start writing romance novels. Jiraiya is full of shit. "All night long" my ass.

2\. Though, to be fair on that last one, he was still recovering from poison.

3\. If there isn't a running joke in Suna about puppet masters being good with their hands, there should be. Those bitches who couldn't pass the tests are really missing out.

4\. "Safe sex jutsu" is a thing.

5\. The morning after felt surprisingly normal. I woke up, showered, and went to work. It was just like any other day, except today I was in Suna and I wasn't a virgin anymore. People always made that sound like a big deal, but I felt no different. Maybe I'd done it wrong. Maybe you really were supposed to wait for true love, whatever that was. I certainly didn't feel wrong. It had felt right, but it also felt normal.

6\. Maybe, just maybe, other people are full of shit. Maybe half of the kids who go around bragging that they'd done it had never actually done it, they just wanted everyone to think they'd done it. That would actually explain a lot of the stories. People are so dumb.

* * *

Kankuro and I had just sat down to lunch when there was a big commotion in the streets.

"He's back!" a girl shouted, rushing by.

"Lord Gaara!" cried another.

We froze, staring at each other. Then we ran with them. Everyone was gathering just outside the city's main gate. Kankuro pushed through the crowd, pulling me behind him. The three siblings embraced while I stood by awkwardly watching, as per usual. Then I spotted squad.

"You're alive!" I shouted, tackling Sakura. Sakura shrieked, then held her hand to her chest when she recognized me. "Ohhhhmygosh, Saki, I didn't recognize you."

I was wearing my Suna robes, headscarf, and I had experimented with Kankuro's makeup that morning. "I immersed myself in local culture!" I exclaimed, twirling. "You may call me 'Saki of the Desert.'"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Ohhhh...I'll call you something."

Damn it, Sakura, I thought with a blush, you know me too well.

"Saki of the Desert, you look like a cactus flower," said the voice of a dork.

"LEE!" I shrieked. "Tenten! What are you doing here?"

"We were sent as backup," said Tenten. I hugged them both. That Hyuga guy was also there, but he never talked, so I just waved awkwardly. He nodded in return. Damn nice hair, though.

"Alright, where's Naru-bro?" I asked.

"Talking to Gaara," said Sakura, gesturing.

"And my ride?" I asked. "Oh, they gave me some herbs for the motion sickness. So now I won't throw up on him."

"Oh, Kakashi's injured. He can't carry you," said Sakura. "You're going to go with Team Guy."

Guy Sensei patted me on the head. "I guess I'm your ride, Saki. I can't wait to hear everything you learned about Sunagakure culture. Ahh, youth."

"Ahhhh…," I groaned, forcing a smile.

I couldn't convince squad to stay any longer than Chiyo's funeral. Evidently they had some very pressing ninja things to report to Lady Tsunade. So Kankuro and I said our goodbyes amidst a crowd of people. We couldn't kiss, which was killing the both of us. He shook my hand. "Thanks for everything, Saki. It was a pleasure meeting you."

"I'm a hugger," I said, trying not to cry.

"Okay," he said. We hugged stiffly, conscious of everyone watching. Temari thanked me, and I had a conversation with Gaara that I don't remember.

I finally let it out when Guy whooshed me off the ground. He and Lee cry at everything, so I fit right in.


	7. Hair

"I just want to touch his hair," I said.

"I just want to stop talking about his hair," groaned Sakura.

"I'll stop talking about it once I've done it. That hair. Is glorious."

It was the evening of our return from Suna, and Sakura and I were having our standard walk and talk. And yes, I'd told her everything. The response was as expected. OMG WTF etc. etc. etc. (paraphrase).

"Saki, we need to find you a real boyfriend," said Sakura. "I can't take you single. You're too much when you're single."

"I think I've gotta satisfy this Neji thing first."

"Ohhhmygod…." She dropped her head into her hands and ran them down her face.

"You can't tell me," I said, "that you never look at other guys."

She blushed. "I do, I just don't...you're _intense._ "

"Who do you look at, then?"

"Nobody in particular."

"Me neither! Come on, I just spent five minutes obsessing over a guy's hair, and he could care less that I exist."

"Our new teammate is cute," she confessed.

"OH! OH! OH!" I shouted, jumping up and down. "Fresh meat! Don't worry, he's yours. You called him."

"He's not...okay, yeah, I call him," she said.

"Yessss, finally, Sakura has a crush! About damn time!"

"Not a crush. I merely called him so you wouldn't flirt with him."

"Sakura," I said, "girl, you know there's only one member of Team Kakashi for me." She groaned. "You know you love me," I reminded her.

"Unfortunately," she agreed. "Yeah, he's cute, but there's something odd about him. Our replacement captain seems awkward too. Naruto is pissed."  
"He would be," I said. "Wait, what do you need a replacement captain for? Kakashi will get better."

She hung her head. "We're leaving again…."

"Does this place need nurses?"

"No."

"Fuck."

"You know I'm nervous about leaving you to your own devices again."

I grinned. "One word-"

"No."

"Hair."

* * *

Sakura and Naruto made sure I met Sai before they left. They wanted my assessment on him since they knew I'd give it to them straight, seeing as I didn't have any particular attachments to Sasuke. I also kinda think they wanted me to mess with him, as a sort of initiation, so I took that into consideration as well.

Man, does Sakura know how to pick them. I will say, she definitely has a type. She's really into the dark haired, pale skinned, stoic types. He was cute; actually, I'd say cuter than Sasuke. His fashion sense was strange. On one hand, I really appreciated seeing his abs, because ninja abs are the best. On the other hand, holy fuck balls, you're a ninja, you _need_ some kind of armor, especially covering your vital organs!

I brought them lunch on the day of their departure. They were sitting on the outskirts of the village waiting for Yamato to finish plotting their course.

"So, you're walking right into the belly of the beast," I said. "I'm gonna worry about you. Again."

"We will not be walking into anybody's bellies," Sai clarified.

"Oh, thanks bud," I said. "That really helps." Was this guy for real?

"What do you mean by bud? I am not a bud."

"Ohhh, you most certainly are not."

"Your voice has a very strange tone. It does not match anything described in my book." He actually took a book out of his bag and started frantically flipping through it. It was titled _Understanding Emotions._

Naruto was trying not to laugh and failing. I was in too much disbelief to laugh.

"Okay, gang," said Yamato. "Ready?"

"Woah woah woah," I said. "It's not _gang_. It's _squad._ "

"Ummmm...who are you?"

"Saki Kureji," I said, extending my hand. "Official mascot of Team Kakashi." Yamato shook it nervously, looking at Sakura and Naruto for clarity.

"These are very strange customs you have," said Sai. "What is the function of the mascot?"

"I have to make them one meal every day, and if they don't like it, they may practice their ninjutsu on me," I answered.

"I see," said Sai. "This is a fine custom. Unfortunately your sandwich was delicious, so today, you are safe."

"Wow, thanks," I said, wiping fake sweat off my forehead.

Yamato was freaking out. "This isn't...you don't…." Naruto fell on the floor cackling. "Okay, okay, time to go," said Yamato, his face red. "Thank you, Miss Kureji."

"There's that tone again…," said Sai.

As they left, I mouthed two words at Sakura: "Hot mess."

* * *

With my two best friends gone, I sought out my solid number three: Rock Lee. Was it extra convenient that he was teamed with Neji? It was. Was this sudden obsession with Neji a rebound to distract from my feelings about Kankuro? You betcha! Is this entire chapter a meaningless filler? Uh, yeah, and so was the last chapter. You've really become desensitized to this, huh? Fillers...fillers everywhere...I am Saki of the Fillers.

So I left the hospital and tracked down Lee where he was almost certain to be, training by himself in a field. "Rock fuckin' Lee!"

He sprang up to his feet from a push-up. "Saki Kureji! What a pleasant surprise!"

"How's it hanging?" I asked.

"Good! How are you?"

"Swell," I said. "Listen, Lee, I was hoping you could tell me about Neji."

"Neji?" he asked. "Neji is a fantastic fighter, a genius of using the Byakugan and the Gentle Fist technique. He also uses the Hyuga trigrams technique, which-"

"Stop," I said. "All I hear is blah blah blah ninja ninja ninja hi-yah hi-yah hi-yah. I mean, what makes Neji tick?"

"What makes him tick?"

"What are his likes? Dislikes? How would he describe his favorite food?"

"I am confused. Why do you want to know about his favorite food?"

"It's just an example. I'd like to get to know the guy, is all."

His face lit up in understanding. "You have a crush on Neji!"

"I don't know if _crush_ is the appropriate term here."

Lee put his hand on my shoulder. "Do not be shy about your feelings. Neji is a great, and you're great. So naturally you would be great together."

"See, I don't know if that's how it works…."

"I can arrange for you to have a date with Neji."

Well, this was just an offer I could not refuse. Forgive me, Sakura, I thought, for the hot mess that I have started.

The next day, Lee retrieved me after work. "I hope that you are hungry for ramen," he said.

Already? Damn, Lee should retire as a ninja and become a matchmaker. "I could go for some ramen," I said. "Is this…?"

"Neji thinks that he is meeting me and Tenten. I will introduce you, and then I promise that I will leave."

"Good deal," I said. "Just leave the talking to me."

"As you wish, Saki," said Lee, giving me the thumbs up. "Because Neji does not suspect this is a date, he will not have flowers. So I took the liberty of picking flowers for you for him because it is wrong not to give a girl flowers on a date." He pushed a bouquet of hastily plucked lavender into my hands.

"Thank you, Lee," I replied giggling. This was already a hot mess, and we hadn't even gotten to Ichiraku.

* * *

Neji was sitting at the end of the ramen bar, his glorious hair blowing in the breeze. My heart actually started pounding. This was a hot, sophisticated ninja, like a young Kakashi. I might actually aim for more than the hair here, I thought. Go big or go home, right?

So we stepped up to Ichiraku, and Neji did not look pleased to see me. I was kinda took it personally. I mean, everyone loved me.

"Neji," said Lee, "this is my good friend Saki. She wants to get to know things about you like your favorite foods. Okay, bye." He whooshed away.

Damnit, Lee. I said I'd do the talking.

Neji didn't say anything, as usual. I was absolutely mortified by what had just transpired, but I was also not a quitter. So I sat down. "Don't mind him. He's weird, right?"

"Why do you have flowers?" he asked. Damn, his face was like, _perfect._

"Lee gave them to me," I answered without thinking.

"Lee has a crush on you."

"No," I said. "That's not what this means. Lee is my friend. He just likes picking flowers, I guess." Right?

"Guys don't just pick flowers for girls without reason."

Time to lay the bait. "Okay, look, I might have said some things about you that caused Lee to think that I had a crush on you. It's silly, but, he thinks he's being helpful here. Let's just indulge him for a bit."

"Well, there is no law that says you can't eat ramen next to me."

God, it was like flirting with a rock. I pressed on. "You know, I said some things like, 'oh, Neji is a good fighter, Neji has nice hair'…."

His food arrived, and he started eating. Nothing? Seriously? I pressed on. "Oh, you got the pork ramen. That's my favorite, too."

"I hope you don't expect me to pay for your food."

"No!" I exclaimed. "I am a strong, independent woman, thank you very much."

"Yet you had to use Lee to get to me."

"Well, that's because you're not very friendly." Maybe he responded to insults? I hear some guys are into that.

"Then why bother, if that's what you think?"

To prove I can, dammit! Come on, Saki, you've got this, you just haven't found his tick yet. "I only meant you don't talk much. You know, I'm friends with Lee and Tenten, and I thought you might be cool too is all. Sorry."

"I don't have a problem with you. I'm just very selective about whom I converse with."

"Sounds like a lonely life," I said.

"I don't feel lonely at all," he responded.

"I go insane when Sakura and Naruto aren't in the village." Woah, hold on, who's playing who here? I just divulged a sincere emotion when I was supposed to be flirting.

"It must be hard to constantly watch your friends go out on dangerous missions. As ninja, we become desensitized to it."

This could work for me. I leaned in. "You know, I always thought I would, and it just doesn't get any easier."

The conversation flowed as such. I'd found his tick. He didn't do small talk; he was a serious guy. I kinda liked it, insofar as it was something different, but I found my mind drifting back to Kankuro. He had known how to make me laugh.

So, I told Neji a little about how I became friends with Sakura and Naruto, Lee and Tenten. I talked about nursing. He basically just listened to me, nodding every once in awhile.

When I'd finished eating, I thought we'd developed enough of a rapport for me to make a teensy little request.

"Can I touch your hair?" I asked.

"I'm sorry?"

"I really admire your hair. If you let me touch it, I promise I'll leave you alone from now on."

He looked at me blankly. Although, I guess every time he looked at anything he looked blankly, since his eyes were basically blank. "Okay," he finally said.

Squeeee! I reached out and sunk my hands into it, and I let it fall through my fingers like a waterfall. I didn't know it was possible for a guy to have such perfect hair. I was definitely not disappointed. As I reached in for a second go, I got a little overwhelmed, and I leaned in for a kiss.

Like the ninja he was, he brought up his hand and blocked me. It was extremely off-putting. I'd never been denied a kiss before.

"Ummm...I'm sorry," he said simply, and left.

Ohhhh, boy, you shouldn't have done that, I thought. I want to kiss you that much more now.

Someone was laughing behind me. I turned around and saw a tall, brown haired guy with red stripes on his face like Jiraiya's. Next to him was the most amazing white fluffy dog I'd ever seen. I stared at the dog. I wanted to pet that dog something fierce.

"That was awkward," he said.

"Oh, piss off," I retorted. "How long were you watching us, anyways, you creep?"

"I came for some ramen, but I was afraid I might be interrupting something."

"So you just stood behind me, because that's normal."

"It's like when someone trips and falls right in front of you. You have no choice but to stare. You're drawn to it."

"You're a jerk," I said, snatching my lavender bouquet.

"Were those for him?" he laughed.

"NO!" I exclaimed. "It's a long ass story, okay? Just eat your fuckin' ramen."

Lee whooshed back onto the scene. "I saw Neji leave. How was your date?"

"Weird," I said. "Probably won't be another one-"

"Oh, there _definitely_ won't be another one!" laughed jerkface.

I turned back to him and glared. "I'm talking to Lee. Turn around or I'll cut you."

"Hello, Kiba!" said Lee. "Do you know Saki?"

"Like the alcohol?" asked Kiba.

"Yes, like the alcohol. My parents own a bar, which is where I'm going. Goodbye." I stormed away.

"Saki, wait!" Lee shouted. I turned around, and Lee was right next to me. Damn ninjas. "Did Neji make you angry? If he said something mean to you, I will set it right."

I sighed. "Neji's fine. _That_ motherfucker, on the other hand-"

"Kiba is our friend," said Lee.

"Yeah? Well he ain't my friend." Lee frowned. "Hey, don't think on it. I'm frustrated is all. I probably overreacted back there."

"Neji has rejected your love," said Lee, tears welling up in his eyes. "I am sorry. You deserve the very best. You will find that person, I know it!"

I _did_ find that person, Lee. He's hundreds of miles away.

* * *

I snuck a half-bottle of wine out of the bar, and we went into a little patch of woods down the road.

"I just realized," said Lee, "that your name is spelled wrong."

I took a giant pull from the bottle and passed it to him. "It started as a joke with her and my actual dad. They were really young when I was conceived, like our age, and according to Mom, it was because of a bottle of sake. So Dad kept saying they should name me Sake, just to mess with her. That whole line from my grandma has names what start with 's' and end in 'i.' My grandma is Sofi, and my biological dad was Sani. My original name was Sari. Then he died, and Mom decided to honor his wishes, so she changed the 'r' to a 'k.'"

"I forget Mr. Wu is your stepdad," said Lee.

"Yeah, she started working in his bar, the one we live over, shortly afterwards. I mean, I've never thought of Yuto as less than a dad to me. But my real dad, he will always be number one to my mom. I think that's why she has a really hard time with Naruto."

"What does Naruto have to do with it?" Lee asked, finally taking a swig of the wine.

"Because Nine-Tails killed my dad," I answered, taking the bottle back and taking another big pull. "Nine-Tails killed my dad and permanently injured my grandma."

"I am sorry," he said, and then he hiccupped. "Uh-oh…."

I leaned back against a tree and watched him start to attack the bushes.

* * *

Team Guy went on another mission the next day, so I was extra bored. Besides bothering Kakashi at the hospital, there was nobody to talk to. I actually considered looking up Shikamaru, but quickly changed my mind. After work, I found another bottle at the bar that was almost empty and took it up to my room.

"Excuse you?" Mom said when she saw me.

"It's a teeny tiny bit," I said.

"NO! I know what you did last night. You owe me," said Mom, taking the bottle. "You shouldn't be giving that boy alcohol. I know you think it's funny-"

"We went to the woods. It was safe. Besides, he's gone now. All my friends are gone."

"Oh, I see," said Mom with a sigh. "You know, there's a real nice boy about your age who works at the market down the road. He's got a very nice smile."

"No thank you, Mom," I said, shutting my door. I'd been a guy who can move shadows and a guy who can make wooden people come to life. It's too late for me, I thought. I wasn't going to do the domestic thing.

I looked over my bookshelf and found a Jiraiya novel I hadn't read yet, titled _The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_. It didn't look like a romance novel, but that was just as well for me right now.

I started laughing immediately, because the main character's name was Naruto. I read it until I fell asleep, and then I took it to work to read on my break. Kakashi saw it and laughed.

"I thought that book wasn't around anymore," he said.

"I think I bought it on accident, expecting a romance novel, and then I just left it laying around. But I couldn't put it down last night. Not that I had anything better to do."

"You're a little lost without squad, huh?"

"It's like I don't know who I am if I'm not doing something ninja-related," I said. "Even if it's just talking about ninja stuff. It's why I love this job so much, and this book. Did you know the main character's name is Naruto?"

"I did," said Kakashi.

"That's spooky," I said. "It's not a common name. And then Jiraiya trained Naruto. Kakashi! Can ninjas time travel?"

"No."

"Jiraiya's a time traveller. He _has_ to be. That's why he's always coming and going all the time!"

"Jiraiya comes and goes because he's restless," said Kakashi. "Kinda like you, actually."

Good ol' Grandpa Jiraiya.

* * *

I finished the book after work and took a walk around the village. I bought a new book and then went to the market to get some food for dinner. I spotted the boy my mom must have been talking about. He _was_ cute. I thought about maybe giving a domestic guy a try. It would be nice to have someone who wasn't going to whoosh away all the time.

Then, I saw the giant white dog again. It was sitting outside of a shinobi tools shop. I looked around, and I didn't see the jerkface shinobi. Domestic boy could wait. I was gonna pet that dog.

"Hey, doggy," I said sweetly. It looked at me and wagged its tail. "You're much nicer than that boy, aren't you? Do you like chicken?"

The dog stood up and barked. I held out a chicken leg, and it accepted. A friendship was formed. I started scratching him behind the ears, and he whined sweetly and rolled over for me to pet his belly. So fluffy...

"You like to pet things, don't you?" I looked up, and there was Jerkface with a Hyuga girl.

I turned red. "I've always wanted a dog, okay? My mom's allergic." I stood up to leave, and the dog nudged my hand and whimpered. "I think he likes me better than you."

Kiba narrowed his eyes. His pupils were weird. They were kinda snake-looking. "Well, I don't know about that, but he likes you better than Neji likes you."

"Ohhhh!" I exclaimed. "You're hilarious, sir. I feel sorry for your girlfriend here."

"Oh no, we're not a couple," said Kiba. The girl turned red.

"Well, that makes more sense, because she's way too pretty for you," I said.

The girl turned redder. "Ummm…," she said, in a really small voice. I could see Kiba didn't have a response, so I decided to leave victorious. Then the girl completed her thought. "You're friends with Naruto."

"Why, yes I am," I said proudly. I kept waiting for her to say something else, but she didn't.

"That makes sense, since you're both so annoying," said Kiba. Damnit, Hyuga! I totally had that won, and you ruined it.

"At least we're not jerks. Come on, doggy!" I snapped my fingers, and the dog came to my side. I took a mental snapshot of Kiba's face at that moment. I had him right where I wanted him. "Don't fuck with me, kid," I said, giving the dog a final pat on the head before riding off victorious into the sunset.


	8. Fox Whisperer

Squad came back, and Sakura was brimming with news.

"We need to walk and talk," she said. " _A lot_ of stuff happened out there."

"A lot of stuff happened here, too!" I said. "I touched Neji's hair, and I have an archenemy. I stole his dog."

"You stole a dog? Go back to hooking up with people when I'm gone," Sakura said.

"Can I get that in writing?" I asked. "No, I didn't steal the dog, but the dog definitely likes me better, and it drives him crazy. So in short, nothing happened while you were gone. Please continue."

"We found Sasuke."

"No shit!" I said. "What happened? Is he…?"

"He's still there," she said. "It was really hard to see him again. He's gotten so strong!"

I could see both pain and admiration in her eyes. "So you saw Sasuke. That means you saw Orochimaru."

"Ohmygosh, he's soooo creepy!"

"So what'd you guys do?"

"Well, I haven't even told you the craziest thing yet."

"Okay?" I was so excited for this. This is what I lived for.

"Sai was ordered by ANBU to kill Sasuke."

I had a lot of thoughts at that moment, none of which I could actually say to Sakura. First, well _duh,_ of course the weird new guy did something shady. He came out of nowhere. People don't just pop out of nowhere to help. It had been way too convenient, and he was way too weird for everything to just go swimmingly. Second, I mean, killing Sasuke was kinda an obvious thing for ANBU to want to do. Like I said in the beginning, it made sense to kill Sasuke. He was rogue. He could do anything. But I couldn't say that to Sakura. It would break her.

"I'm not surprised," I said. "So what'd you do about that?"

"Well, after he saw us with Sasuke, he decided to abandon his orders."

"WHAT! Now THAT'S unexpected!"

"He's actually a good person," said Sakura. "He's weird because ANBU snuffed out his emotions and turned him into a robot."

"So you like him?"

"Yeah! I mean, no, not like _that_ , I don't think. But he wants to help us with Sasuke."

"No shit? Man, what happens to you if you disobey an ANBU order, though?"

"I don't know," she said.

"Well, if he disappears again…."

"SAKI!"

"I'm just saying, I wouldn't be surprised if he came up missing. He probably knows all these secrets that they can't risk getting out."

"Well, I will say this," said Sakura. "Tsunade was pissed about this order, and I doubt she'd be happy if she knew how ANBU Root trained their kids. Sai was ordered to kill a comrade."

"That is INSANE!" I exclaimed. "Why would we kill our own people?"

"The Hidden Mist village used to do that as their graduation exam."

"Bwhat? Oh my god…." I thought of what that would be like here. Sasuke or Neji would have won, everyone else slaughtered. No Sakura, no Naruto, no Lee...psh, wait, no, Lee would have decimated them. "One graduate per year. How did they have enough people to defend the village?"

"They didn't. That's why they stopped."

"You don't say?"

* * *

Kakashi was fully healed, and Naruto was starting some new training. I headed out after work to bring him some ramen, and what I found was insanity. A thousand Narutos were making that frustrated pickle jar noise while Kakashi and Yamato sat in a four-pillared fox shrine.

The Naruto closest to me stopped and waved. "Hi, Saki!" This set off a chain reaction with the other Narutos until all of them were facing me. "Hi, Saki!"

"I'm going to need some more ramen," I said.

They all poofed away except for the one closest to the fox shrine. "You brought ramen?"

"Why thank you, I've been well, good to see you again too, how are you doing?" I said. He blushed and hung his head, but I reached into my bag and pulled out the ramen. "And I didn't forget you, Kakashi Sensei. Am I allowed to cross through this thing, or will I burst into flames?" As soon as I asked the question, the four pillars sank into the earth. There wasn't even a mark in the grass. I looked at Yamato, who was breathing heavily. "I did forget you. Sorry…."

"That's fine," said Yamato.

"So what is all this about?" I asked, handing Kakashi his share of ramen and sitting down.

"I can train 1000x as hard with shadow clones!" Naruto exclaimed.

"But doesn't it make it harder since your chakra is divided that much?"

"Naruto has incredible chakra stores. He's able to produce way more clones than any other ninja," explained Kakashi.

"No shit? Naruto actually is the best at something?"

"Well, don't act so surprised," said Naruto.

"I'm surprised you understand all this," Yamato said.

I grinned in response. "And the fox shrine?"

"Oh, well, _that_ …," stumbled Yamato.

"No, you can tell her," said Naruto. "She knows everything. She's actually one of the first people I told."

"I told you, Yamato, I'm the official mascot of Team Kakashi," I said.

"And she's not going anywhere," said Kakashi.

"Saki, when I was fighting Orochimaru, I transformed into the Nine-Tails," said Naruto. "I hurt Sakura really bad." His eyes started watering.

"I didn't know you could do that," I said.

"It started when I was with Jiraiya. He loosened the seal so that I could use some of the Nine-Tails chakra. I attacked him too."

"Oh, damn."

"Yamato is using a jutsu that suppresses tailed beast chakra."

"Oh, that's what this is," I said. "So it could just happen, huh?"

Naruto sighed. "It happens when I get angry."

"Oh, so I'm in the clear." I put my arm around Naruto. "Hey, it's not your fault, alright?"

"Saki, I want to give you something," said Kakashi.

"Kakashi?" I said.

He reached into his pack and took out a piece of paper. "This is a seal. If Naruto ever starts transforming, you can put this anywhere on his body, and he'll return to normal."

"Oh, sweeeet."

"Kakashi, are you sure she can handle that?" asked Yamato.

"Trust me, if you'd known her as long as I have, you'd have no doubts," said Kakashi.

I rolled up the paper and put it in my garter. "Call me the fox whisperer."

* * *

I took my fox whisperer duty very seriously. I escorted Naruto to the field in the morning and from the field at night. He acted annoyed with me, but I could tell he really liked the attention.

One night we were getting some sweet dumplings when we ran into my archenemy. I heard his stupid voice behind me. "Awww, look who's on another date."

"Kiba…," I whispered menacingly under my breath.

Naruto looked from me to him. "What…?"

"Stay out of this, Naruto." I turned around in my chair to face Kiba. "Back for more, eh? You're a glutton for punishment. Come here, doggy!"

The dog put his head in my lap, and I stroked his ears.

"His name's Akamaru," said Kiba.

"Hmm?"

"Akamaru," he repeated.

"No, I heard you. I'm just surprised it wasn't another stupid insult."

"You want me to?" he asked.

"Well, I mean, that's kinda our thing, right? You talk shit, and I talk shit better."

"Ohhh, whatever!"

"Dude, your roasts suck!"

"I got you good!"

"Once or twice," I conceded.

"Alright, well, I just thought I'd stop and let Akamaru say hi."

"Awww, thanks. Goodbye, Akamaru! Sorry you have to go home with Jerkface instead of me!"

"Jerkface? A whole world of names at your disposal and you land on 'Jerkface'?"

" _Fucking_ Jerkface," I corrected.

"Thank you!" he shouted.

"You're welcome!" I shouted back.

I was laughing into my dumplings for about a minute about he left. Finally Naruto asked, "What was that about?"

"That's my archenemy," I said.

"Archenemy?"

"You know, a rival. We insult each other. It's our thing."

"It looked a little like flirting to me."

"What? What do you know about flirting?"

"Uhhhh…."

"Uhhhh, yeah, that's what I thought. No, that was not flirting; that was sparring. Although, there was something different about him this time."

* * *

There had been rumblings about the Akatsuki coming into the land of Fire, and then the rumblings turned to confirmed sightings. Tsunade sent out most of the ninjas to capture or kill them. Tsunade even sent Naruto out a couple of times. I was kinda mortified at first because the Akatsuki were trying to find him. But then I realized, sending him all over the place was actually smart, because it would be harder to find him if he was never in the same place for long.

The shinobi all came home, though, the week that Asuma died. Asuma had been Shikamaru's sensei. I got to know him well enough, back in the day. I knew Shikamaru would take it really hard, and I wanted to do something for him. Nothing big or flashy, just something in honor of the time we had spent together. So I baked his favorite honey cookies, and I took them to the Naras'.

"Saki?" said his mom when she opened the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Nara. Is Shikamaru home?"

She smiled, nodded, and ushered me inside. I'd always loved the Nara house. It was so big, but it wasn't one of those pristine mansion places like Kankuro lived in. It was very livable.

Shikamaru was in his room laying on his bed. His eyes widened when he saw me, then he rolled over to look out the window.

"Hey," I said. "I heard."

"You and the rest of the village," he said.

"I won't stay long. I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and I brought your favorite cookies."

"What are you sorry for? You didn't know him."

"But I know you," I said, sitting at the edge of his bed. "I know what he meant to you. And I know it was a long time ago, but I still want to be here for you if you need to talk or something." He didn't say anything. I was really tempted to curl up next to him and hold him, but instead I set the cookies on his nightstand.

"Thanks, Saki," he said as I was walking out the door.

After a brief conversation with Mrs. Nara, I went outside and ran into Kiba's squad.

"Ohhhh, really?!" Kiba said.

"Fucking Jerkface fucking again!" I said. "It's like you're stalking me, dude."

"So you know Shikamaru?"

"We dated a long time ago."

"Ohhh...you're _that_ girl!"

"My reputation proceeds me!" I said with a flourish.

Akamaru bumped my hand and whined. "Well, hey, since Akamaru likes you so much, do you mind watching him while we go in?" Kiba asked.

"Do I?!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around the big floof.

* * *

Kiba invited me to dinner with his squad that evening. His squad was awkward as fuck. The other two both barely talked. It explained a lot about Kiba, actually. I felt like he just had to talk to fill space all the time, and he carried that out into all of his interactions with normal people.

"How's Naruto?" asked the Hyuga girl, whose name was Hinata. This was the second sentence I'd ever heard her speak. Both were about Naruto. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say she has a crush on him, I thought. I wondered if Naruto had a clue. Probably not.

"He's super focused on his training. You really should see it: an army of Narutos in his underwear whacking away at a waterfall all day."

"Underwear?" asked Hinata, blushing. Haha, yeah, totally has a crush on him.

"Oh yeah, girl, I'll totally take you some time."

She blushed.

"I have a question," said Kiba. "Because I've been seeing you around for a while now. And I always wondered why...no, not why, _how_...uhhh..."

"How a nonchak became so tight with ninjas, and why they put up with me at all?" I finished for him. "It's fine; everyone asks. I'm not offended. Totally natural question. You see, when I was little I got trapped in a well, and Team 7 rescued me, and I followed them around like a puppy until they agreed to adopt me."

"Ohhhh, that's so sad," said Hinata.

"That's bullshit," said Kiba, laughing.

"You jerk!" I exclaimed, slapping his shoulder playfully. "I mean, you're right, but what if it wasn't? No, what actually happened is I threw rocks at some mean girls when I was little, and Sakura asked me to be her best friend. Tada!"

"Do you have non-ninja friends too?" he asked.

"I do not, actually," I said.

"Ohhh, that's so sad," said Hinata.

"Ehh, they couldn't handle me," I said with a wink, plunging my fork into a big piece of beef, then recoiling. "Oh, ewww, there's a bug."

"Can I see it?" asked Shino, the kid with the sunglasses and trenchcoat. I held my fork out to him, and he smiled. "Oh, that's mine. I'm sorry." He picked up the little black beetle and let it crawl up into his sleeve.

"Ehhh?" I vocalized.

Kiba started laughing again, clearly enjoying himself. "Shino is a bug master."

"Ohhhkay, _now_ I've heard of everything. Those are attack beetles, then?"

"They eat chakra," said Shino, clearly proud.

"Well, I don't know what it was doing over by me then," I said. They all exchanged uncomfortable looks. "You're allowed to laugh at that, by the way." Hinata's giggle was one of the cutest things I'd ever heard. I really wanted to observe her and Naruto on a date. It would be the cutest most awkward thing ever. I turned to Kiba. "So do you call yourself the 'dog master'?"

"Actually, the correct term is 'pack leader,'" he said.

I coughed. "Akamaru likes me better."

"Shut up, that's not-"

"I am the pack leader now," I teased.

"So how did you guys meet?" Hinata asked me and Kiba.

We looked at each other, and Kiba started laughing. "Yeah, Saki, how did we meet?"

"Ohhhhkay, this again," I said.

"You see, Saki has an obsession with petting…," said Kiba.

I leaned back in my chair and sipped my tea. "Go on. I kinda want to hear how you tell it."

"So I go to Ichiraku and she's petting Neji's hair…."

Hinata and Shino looked at me, and I nodded. "That is 100% accurate," I said. "I have no regrets."

"Then she tries to kiss him, and he shuts her down…!"

"Ohhh, that's so sad," said Hinata.

"It's really not though," I said. "You see, I don't even like Neji. I just think he's really hot, and I was only doing it because Sakura didn't think I could."

"Riiiiight," said Kiba. "You were really upset."

I slammed the teacup back on the table. "I was upset because you were making all those stupid comments."

"They weren't even stupid comments! Admit it, you want Neji, and he doesn't want you."

"He's hot as hell, so yeah, I'd hit that, but it's purely an ego thing. Neji is the only guy who's ever turned me down."

"Ohh my, how many people have you been with?" asked Hinata.

"Depends on your definition of 'been with,'" I answered.

"Ummmm…," said Hinata, blushing.

"This is getting uncomfortable," said Shino.

"If it makes you feel any better," I said, "it's not as many as you probably think, no matter which way you slice it."

Kiba was laughing so hard he was crying.

"And what is so funny?" I asked.

"You just-" He had to catch his breath. "-you just tell it like it is, don't you?"

"Saki Kureji always keeps it real. That's my nonchak way."

Shino and Hinata payed for their food and slinked away. I looked at Kiba. "So have I effectively scared you away, too?"

"No," he said sincerely. "I think you're brilliant."

The comment took me completely off guard. I guess I'd always in the back of my mind found him attractive, but I wasn't thinking about anything serious. I'd been actively trying to avoid serious after Kankuro. Neji had been a welcome distraction, then being Fox Whisperer had given me a sense of purpose, and Kiba had just been a fun new person to bother. But there was definitely something to say for a guy who could take my jokes and give me heat back. And looking into his eyes at that moment, I was feeling the heat.

The waitress interrupted us with our checks, and Kiba volunteered to pay for my food. I guess I'd been on a date, and I didn't fully realize it. Damn it, Naruto was right, that had totally all been flirting! What the actual fuck?

Akamaru had been waiting dutifully for us outside. I suddenly became very nervous, so I pet the dog. Kiba put a hand lightly on my shoulder.

"Can we walk you home?" he asked.

"Okay," I said. We started walking.

"You're very quiet all of a sudden," he said.

"So are you," I said.

We kept walking, and then he said, "I have a confession to make."

"Okay?" I said.

"Us running into each other this much hasn't been totally coincidental."

"You've been stalking me!"

"Kinda...just hear me out. Once I meet someone, I can track their scent."

"What the fuck?"

"My family, we don't just own dogs for fun. We fight with them. We kinda become them. So after I met you at Ichiraku, I picked up your scent. If it makes you feel any better, it happens involuntarily. Right now I could tell you the direction to go if you wanted to run into anyone in my class, most of the teachers, Lady Hokage…."

"So basically Konoha smells like a giant armpit to you."

"I'm just so used to it I don't notice. But yeah."

"So you sniffed me out."

"I wanted to get to know you better, so I might have found reasons to go in the direction you were. I wasn't gonna tell you, but, I feel like I know you now, so, there you have it."

I didn't know what to think, so I just kept walking. On one hand it was pretty creepy. On the other hand, he was pretty cute, and had a dog, and if I had the same ability he had, I would totally have done the same thing. It's just too easy.

We got to my apartment and just stood staring at each other for a moment.

"Soo…," I said.

"Sooo…," he said. Akamaru barked. "If I wanted to see you again…?" he said.

"I guess you'll know where to find me," I said. We laughed nervously.

"Only if you want me to," he said.

I hesitated. "I do," I said.

Typical Saki would have grabbed the back of his neck and kissed him. We might have found ourselves a private place to make out and mess around. But that just didn't feel appropriate this time. That was impulsive, but this didn't feel impulsive.

We hugged, and he playfully buried his nose in my hair and sniffed it. It was weird, but cute.

* * *

"That's weird, but cute," Sakura said when I explained it on our walk and talk.

"That's exactly what I thought!" I exclaimed.

"So you really didn't kiss him?"

"I know, right? Like, _all_ my conventional wisdom tells me I should have, but, I don't know. Everything about this is just weird."

"I think it's good you're not rushing in this time," she said.

"Is it though? Life is short. What if he doesn't find me again?"

"Oh, shut up, he's probably following us right now. That boy is crazy about you." I looked over both my shoulders to see if she was right. "I'm really happy for you," Sakura continued. "And it makes me feel better about what I'm about to tell you."

"You're leaving again. Motherfuck."

"Well, it's kinda-"

"-your job, yeah, I know."

"And we're only leaving if Naruto can finish his jutsu by midnight."

"Where are you going?"

"To help take down the Akatsuki members who killed Asuma Sensei."

"Oh, woah, that's intense."

"So yeah, Sai and I are going to be at the training field ready to go in case he can pull it off."

"I'll make cookies," I said. "I really want to see this jutsu go down."

I got to the field at about eleven. I could hear Naruto's frustrated wails all the way on the other side of the woods. When I got there, a giant gust of wind slammed into me, throwing me backwards and sending the cookies flying.

"Oh no!" I heard Sakura shout.

"I'm okay!" I yelled back. "Cookies didn't survive though."

"Dammit!" Naruto cried, running to meet me. "Not even a scratch on her!"

"What the fuck, you were aiming for me?!" I shouted.

"Nonononno, not on purpose! I didn't know you were there, but since you were there, I would hope you would be more hurt, because that would mean the jutsu worked, and you're fine, which I'm happy about because it's you, but, yeah…."

"You fucking dork," I said, getting to my feet.

"All the cookies are gone?" he asked.

"Yep," I said. "So what are you trying to do?"

"I'm trying to combine the Rasengan with a wind shuriken. Whenever I do it, the Rasengan fades before the shuriken hits."

"That was that thing you threw at me?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you tried _not_ throwing it?"

"What do you mean?"

Still dumb as a box of rocks. "Well, I've never seen you throw a Rasengan. You usually just jam it while it's still in your hand."

"So you're saying…?"

"Don't throw the shuriken."

"Don't...throw...YAMATO! I'm going to try something!"

The squad gathered in the woods by me. Naruto had to make two shadow clones in order to make the Rasenshuriken. Once it was spinning in his hand, the other clones poofed out. We backed up, because that thing looked hella scary. It hurt my eyes to stare at it. Naruto slammed it into a tree and screamed. The tree became engulfed in light.

"Do you see that?!" Naruto shouted.

"Yeah, yeah, let's everybody back up!" Yamato ordered, and if we hadn't listened to him, we'd probably have been toast.

The light was expanding outwards. It looked like a falling star had landed in the woods. We were several feet away from it, but the light was still blinding. The flash strobed a couple of times before it collapsed back into itself and disappeared. We ran back to where the tree had been. I say had been, because all that was left was a little swirl in the dirt.

"Well," I said,"that'll fuck someone up."


	9. Kill Itachi

I knew squad was back because Naruto ended up back at the hospital.

"Did you fuck someone up?" I asked excitedly.

He smiled. "Yeah I did! You should have seen it!"

I picked up his chart. "You also fucked up your arm."

"Yeah, but it was totally worth it."

"I bet. That jutsu was scary as fuck."

Someone knocked at the door. "Visitor," said Kakashi Sensei.

"My door's always open for you, Kakashi Sensei," I said. Naruto groaned, but Kakashi ignored my comment as usual.

"Naruto, I have something important to discuss with you," said Kakashi.

"Should I go?" I asked.

"Why?" asked Kakashi.

"Oh, duh, fox whisperer," I said, sitting down.

"This actually isn't about the fox," he said. "It's about the Rasenshuriken. You can't use it anymore."

"WHAT?!" we shouted.

"But Kakashi!" said Naruto.

"It's soooooo badass!" I finished.

"It severed chakra points in your arm," Kakashi explained. "You're going to be fine this time, but if you continue using it, you'll lose the ability to use ninjutsu."

"Oh shit," I said.

Naruto didn't take it well. After Kakashi left, he wadded up his blanket and threw it at the wall. "I'll never be an elite ninja," he said.

"Bullshit," I said. "You're already an elite ninja."

"Hardly, if I can't use my elite move," said Naruto.

"But you still did it," I said. "Something the Fourth Hokage couldn't do, you, Naruto Uzumaki, did. How many other ninjas can say they have used a jutsu that deadly, let alone created it? You're a badass motherfucker, Naruto. Don't you fucking forget it."

* * *

I got off work and headed towards Sakura's house, but I was interrupted by Kiba and Akamaru.

"Hey," he said casually.

I steamed a little. It had been almost a week since I'd seen him, and all he says is "hey _."_ "Mmmmhmmm," I said, walking on.

"Ummm, did I do something? When we last saw each other, you acted like you didn't mind me tracking you down…," he said.

"Yeah, and I was looking forward to it. There's something to be said for not coming back the next day, but this is a little excessive. I figured you'd changed your mind," I said.

"What? No! I was on a mission. I'm sorry."

"That would have been nice to know," I said meekly.

"I didn't realize-" He smiled. "-I didn't realize I was that important to you."

"Oh, shut up," I said, turning away from him.

He grabbed my shoulder. "You're the first person I looked for when I got back, if it makes a difference."

I sighed, and I turned back to him. "Look, if we're going to do this, you have to understand. It's not about you. I don't want to be the girl you screw around with when it's convenient for you. You can't just whoosh in and out of my life. I want to be there for all of it. And when I can't be there, I want to worry my guts out about what's going on. If I care about you, I care about all of you, and your teammates, and your senseis, and whatever other ridiculous bullshit there happens to be. I'm either all in, or I'm not in at all. So if you can't handle that, then you should walk away. Because if you don't, then I won't either. My name is Saki Kureji, and I'm loyal as fuck, I care too much, and I'm addicted to chaos. And cursing. I will never stop-"

He kissed me. It was a powerful kiss; it made my knees weak. I'd never been kissed by the guy first before. I liked it.

When we separated, he held my face and leaned his forehead against mine. "You talk too much," he whispered.

"That'll also never stop," I replied.

"It's okay. I like it."

"I'm glad we had this talk," I said. "Let's move. We probably look stupid."

"Good point," he said, and we separated. "I want to show you something. I wanted to show you earlier, but, well, you know."

"Okay," I said, remembering how the last time a ninja boy "showed me something" I ended up naked in his bed. I started to mentally undress Kiba, and I wondered if he was thinking the same thing about me, and then I thought, duh, of course he is; he's a guy.

"You got quiet all of a sudden," he said.

"It's been known to happen."

He took me to his house, and I felt my heart pounding. I made up my mind that I should set a limit for myself on how far I'd go tonight. I wasn't a fan of limits, but I was committed to going about this relationship differently than others. After all, it wasn't like we were going to be ripped away from each other. I could afford to take this one slow.

Or could I? What if he went on a mission tomorrow and died? Then I'd have a regret...I don't like regrets….

"We're gonna have to sneak around the back," he said. "I don't think you want to meet my mom yet." I laughed nervously. "Are you okay? You're acting weird."

"It's been known to happen."

"Don't be nervous. You're gonna love this." He took my hand and lead me to a fenced in area in his backyard.

"Your family owns all of this?" It was breathtaking. There was a pond with a little creek that ran through the whole yard, and a grove of trees that made it shady.

"Yeah," he said. "Come on." He opened the fence and lead me inside. The fenced in area was probably about an acre on its own, and it was lined with doghouses. When he entered, dogs of all sizes started to come out and run towards us.

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed, dropping to my knees to greet them. "These are all yours?"

"No, they're the clan's. All of us have between one to three dogs. This is just where we keep them."

I was surrounded by sniffing noses and licking tongues. "I want to live here."

"Uhhh…."

"Ohmygosh, scratch that. I didn't mean anything, you know. I just like dogs."

"And they like you," he said. "You're kinda a natural. Are you sure you're not an Inuzuka?"

"Uhhh…," I said, "no joke, I could be. My grandma was a prostitute."

"Oh," he said. "Right on."

"Don't worry. I'm probably Jiraiya's granddaughter."

"No shit? Well, that's good. It'd suck if we were related."

"Yeah, ew."

He held out his hand. "Come on. There's more."

"More dogs?"

"You'll see! Come on."

He lead me towards a larger doghouse in the corner closest to the house. I had a weird feeling that it was his, that he just slept out here with all of the dogs. Maybe he had a fetish for doing it in a doghouse. I could roll with that, as long as the dogs weren't watching.

But it wasn't his. It belonged to a mother husky and eight tiny puppies. I let out the biggest high-pitched girl squeal when I saw them. They were literally walking balls of fluff with faces.

Mama growled. Kiba knelt down and bid me do the same. "Shhh…," he said, petting her, "it's okay. Saki, hold out your hand so she can sniff you."

I did as I was told. Mama sniffed, then looked into my eyes. She gave my hand an approving lick before laying her head back down over her paws.

Kiba scooped up the nearest puppy, a grey one, and nodded to me. I took the puppy gingerly from him and held it to my chest, melting. "Thanks," I said. "This is incredible."

"When you said your mom was allergic to dogs, I thought that was the saddest thing in the world."

I laughed. "You put on such a tough-guy air, but look at you. You're just a puppy inside."

"Then it's a good thing for me you like puppies," he said, picking up two of them and holding them to his face.

We sat in there until sundown just talking and petting dogs. I'm pretty sure that's the longest time I'd spent with a guy I liked without sucking his face. It was nice. After sundown, he bought me sushi and walked me home.

"See you tomorrow?" he asked. I nodded. We hugged and kissed gently before parting. It was nice.

* * *

Sakura and Naruto were waiting for me after work.

"Hey, guys!" I said, skipping towards them. "What's up?" I could tell from their faces that it wasn't anything good. The three of us began a walk and talk.

"Lady Tsunade called us to her office this morning," said Sakura, "and we're not supposed to be talking about this, not even with you."

"Psh," I said, "they know better. What's up?"

"Now it's only rumors," Sakura whispered, "but they have reason to believe that Orochimaru is dead."

"WHAT?!" I shouted. "But that's _awesome_! Why would we keep that a secret?"

"Keep what a secret?" asked Kiba.

Sakura and Naruto jumped. "Kiba…," sighed Sakura, dropping her head into her hands.

"You just butt out, will ya?" said Naruto. "This doesn't concern you."

Kiba and Naruto glared at each other. I interceded. "Hey, Kiba, can I catch up with you later? We're in the middle of something."

"Actually…," said Sakura, "maybe we could use the help…."

"Sakura, what are you saying?" Naruto protested.

"This is going to be really dangerous! We should probably have another team back us up!"

"Could you please just explain to me what's going on?" I asked.

"If this is another save Sasuke mission, forget it," said Kiba. "That guy can hang."

"Care to say that again?" threatened Naruto.

"Naruto!" Sakura fumed.

"You know, guys, I've gotta agree with Kiba on this one," I said, "and we're attracting attention. Let's finish this at my place."

Sakura and Naruto bantered the whole way to the apartment. Kiba put his arm around me and whispered, "Chaos enough for you?"

I smiled. "Welcome to my life. Not too late for you to back out, you know."

My mom was making dinner when we arrived. "Saki, you're home early! And you brought Sakura! Long time no see! And...hi Naruto. And...who's this?"

"Who's this? Really?" Kiba teased me.

"Mom, this is my...this is Kiba."

"Ohhhh…I see...hello, Kiba. Saki, you better not be smuggling booze again."

"At this time of the day? Honestly, Mom." I rolled my eyes and ushered everyone into the bedroom. Sakura and I took the bed, leaving the boys to sit on the floor.

"Alright," I said, picking up the kitty tissue box. "This is the talking box. Do not interrupt the holder of the talking box! Sakura?" I handed her the box.

"How come Sakura-?" started Naruto. I picked up my copy of _The Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_ and thumped him on the head. Kiba laughed.

"This is the smacking book," I said. "Sakura?"

"Right!" she said. "So, as I was saying, Orochimaru may be dead. And Sasuke is said to be the killer."

Kiba's eyes widened and his mouth hung open. "Cool...," he muttered.

Naruto glared at me. "Ahem, he didn't have…!" I smacked Naruto with the smacking book.

"If it's true, it means that Sasuke is incredibly strong. It also means that he turned on his teacher, so he might not be as far gone as we thought," Sakura said.

Kiba and I made eye contact, and I knew we were both thinking the same thing. If Sasuke had really set out to _just_ kill Orochimaru, he wouldn't have had to go rogue. There was still something at play.

I took the talking box. "Okay, first of all, that's totally badass. Respect. But, if he's really turned back to our side, why hasn't he returned to the Hidden Leaf yet?"

Sakura nodded, and Naruto reached out for the box. I gave it to him. "You're right, Saki. Orochimaru thought he could use Sasuke as a pawn in his game, but actually, Sasuke was using him. As long as I've known Sasuke, he's always said, his goal was to kill one specific person." I gasped. I knew this. I'd heard it before, a long time ago. I also knew the name. Naruto continued, "I'm convinced that this person is-"

"-ITACHI UCHIHA!" I exclaimed. Everyone stared at me, and then I remembered my hands were empty. I grabbed the box. "Itachi Uchiha!" I repeated.

Sakura took the box. "We're not going after Sasuke. Not exactly. We're going after the source of the problem. Our target will be Itachi Uchiha."

Kiba took the box. "That's suicide. Let Sasuke do what he's gonna do and come back on his own time. Why interfere? He seems to be doing fine without you."

I held out my hand emphatically. He gave me the box. "I think it's brilliant."

"Saki!" Kiba gasped. I smacked him.

"Itachi Uchiha isn't just Sasuke's problem," I said. "He's a member of the Akatsuki, a criminal of the Leaf...we all have a common stake in this. Look, when I first met Sasuke, I wasn't a fan of his, and I haven't been since, but...when Sasuke was in the hospital, a long time ago, I was just starting my nurse training. He cried in his sleep every time he closed his eyes. Let that sink in. What Itachi did...he deserves worse than death. Killing him won't undo all of that pain. It won't bring back the Uchiha clan, but, it could bring back Sasuke. And if there's a chance of that, we need to take it."

"Saki…," Sakura whimpered. I handed her the box, and she dug into the tissues.

"Thanks, Saki," said Naruto. "Come on, Sakura, let's go tell Tsunade."

"Wait," said Kiba, standing up. "Let me get my team."

"Huh? What're you playing at?" asked Naruto.

"I want to help. I'm not going to let you goons run out there on your own, not with so much at stake," said Kiba. "I'd like to add assassinating an Akatsuki member to my resume. I'm in."

Naruto stared at Kiba. "Alright, just don't get in my way."

"Nor you mine," said Kiba.

"Naruto, you have to get Sai," said Sakura, still crying on my shoulder.

"Right, okay," he said. "We'll just meet up at the capitol...in...an hour?"

"I'll bring food," I said.

Naruto left, and Kiba sat beside me. "So, I guess I'm going on a crazy dangerous mission," he said.

I took his hands. "Mmmmhmmm. Bring me Itachi's head on a spike."

"Whatever you want, babe," he said. We started kissing.

"Ahem," said Sakura.

"Oh, right, well, I guess I'll go rally the troops," said Kiba. He left.

Sakura was smiling again. "He's doing this for you, you know."

I sighed. "Did I just send my new boyfriend to his death?"

* * *

Thankfully, I had not. They returned a lot sooner than I had expected.

Tsunade actually shared our sentiments about Itachi and Sasuke, so she authorized the mission. Squad would have gone with or without authorization anyways. Kakashi and Yamato went as captains.

The stories they brought back were bizarre. They had found a pit where a massive explosion had occurred. They had been intercepted by a masked Akatsuki member who couldn't be physically attacked. They had encountered a wall of black fire that burned through the pouring rain. Most importantly, they hadn't found Sasuke or Itachi.

Days were somber in the village, and I internally cursed Itachi for having set this dark cloud in our sky. Rumblings came to the village of more jinchuuriki captured by the Akatsuki, and Naruto smiled less and less. The day Jiraiya died, I thought he was going to break.


	10. Happy Birthday

It was my seventeenth birthday. My mom had arranged a surprise party at the bar with Sakura. Kiba, Lee, Tenten, Sai and Kakashi were all there waiting for me after work.

"Where's Naruto?" asked Tenten. "I haven't seen him in weeks. Is he okay?"

Sakura and I exchanged smiles. We could have told them, but they probably wouldn't believe it. I kept looking at the door, though, wondering if he was going to bust through on the back of a toad.

"Yeah, I suspect he's doing much better now," I said. "So, Mom, we're at a bar, and it's a party, does this mean…?"

She sighed. "One glass. You can have one glass. Just you, though," she said, glancing nervously at Lee. "Oh, and Mr. Hatake, of course."

I sidled up to Kakashi. "So, Kakashi," I said, "you know what would just be the best present ever?"

"I'm not taking off my mask, Saki."

"Oh, come on!" exclaimed my mom. She turned red when everyone looked at her. Like mother like daughter….

"You know I've told everyone for years that you're toothless," I said.

"I wouldn't expect anything less of you," said Kakashi.

"Mr. Hatake, I don't know how you put up with her all these years, but thank you," my mom said, handing me a glass of wine.

"Mmmmm," I said, taking a big gulp. "Lee, taste this."

"Why you little-!" my mom exclaimed.

"Kidding, kidding, Mom, jokes." There was a knock at the door, and my stepdad entered, pushing my grandma in a wheelchair. What you must realize is that although she is technically a "grandma," because my mom and dad has me so young, she's more on the old side of the age group most of my friends' parents were in. She had stopped hooking after her injury, but she still ran the brothel. She wore a sequin dress, flowers in her thick graying blonde hair, and lots of gaudy jewelry. She was the most dressed-up person in the room. "Grandma!" I rushed to hug her and give her a kiss on her cheeks.

"Oh," said Sai, "the prostitute."

"Sai!" shouted Sakura.

Grandma cackled. "My reputation proceeds me! Alright, girlie, where's this boyfriend of yours?"

"Kiba…!" everyone teased.

He stepped forward, blushing. "Hello, umm-"

"Madam Kureji," she said, flourishing her arms.

He was trying not to laugh. "Madam...pfft...Madam Kureji, hello, I'm Kiba."

"Wait," she said. "I know every clan on sight...Inuzuka, ehh?"

"Yes, Madam. Wow."

"Mmmmmhmmmm…very tall, sensible hair, broad shoulders, yess...kinda vanilla, but he'll do."

"Ummmm...thanks?"

"Inuzuka is like animal. Make exciting lovers. Good choice, Saki."

"Thank you, Grandma," I said politely, taking Kiba's hand for moral support.

Grandma brought her hand to her lips and frowned. "Why isn't there a drink in my hand?"

"Right away, Mother," said my mom with that exasperated politeness.

"None of that weak shit, either," said Grandma.

"Of course, Mother."

"Saki," said Sai, "you are very much like your grandmother."

"Hey, what're you implying?" said Kiba.

"Obviously, he's implying that I'm awesome," I said.

"No, I was implying that you are loud and promiscuous and like to drink and cuss a lot," said Sai.

"Fair," I said.

"Oh, shoot," said Tenten. "Lee, we've gotta go."

"Awww, you're leaving?" I said.

"We've got a mission," said Tenten.

"Please, you must open your gift before we go," said Lee. "It is the green one."

"That big one? Wow," I said, picking it up off the bar. I ripped off the paper and opened the box. "Holy shit," I said. It was a shiny katana sword. "Check it out, Mom. I'm gonna fuck shit up with this."

"Oh, lovely, more weapons," said Mom.

"I missed our training sessions," said Tenten. "It's not that hard to learn katana after kunai. You'll probably even be better at it."

"Sweet, thanks guys! Now go kick some ass," I said. We hugged, and they departed.

"Well, since we're doing gifts," said Sakura, handing me a thin gold package, "this is from squad."

The package was incredibly light. I shook it and hurt a faint rustle. "Well, I don't think this is a weapon, Mom." I opened it up and saw a hidden leaf ninja vest. "Sweeet!" I exclaimed, picking it up.

"Careful, there's more stuff in there," said Sakura.

"IT SAYS FOX WHISPERER! OH MY GOD, I LOVE THIS!"

"That was Naruto's idea," said Sakura. "But look, there's-"

"Ohhh, it's the picture of Team 7 that I bombed," I said. There was Sakura, Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi, and behind Kakashi, a pig-tailed Saki giving him bunny ears. "I didn't know anyone saved this picture."

"I pulled a few strings," said Kakashi.

Sakura handed me a piece of paper. "You missed this," she said. It was a certificate signed by Kakashi and Lady Tsunade.

 **The Hidden Leaf Village hereby recognizes**

Saki Kureji

 **An honorary member of Team Kakashi**

"About damn time," I whispered, getting choked up. "Thanks." Sakura hugged me.

"Well, damn," said Kiba. "You guys are gonna make my gift look stupid." He handed me a large blue bag that was also very light. I reached in and pulled out a brown fur blanket. I rubbed it against my face and hugged it. "It's so soft. Thank you."

He smiled. "Because you like to pet things."

"You dork," I laughed.

"I mean, I know you're supposed to get a girl flowers or jewelry or something, but I'm not very good at that sort of thing."

"No, it's perfect," I said. "All of this is perfect. Thank you, everyone. I love you all, and I'm really thankful to have all of you in my life. Truly."

Grandma raised her glass. "May you have a long life full of many pleasures, girl."

* * *

I had the next day off work, and I was spending it at Kiba's. His parents left, so we went to his bedroom to enjoy some intimate time together. Kiba and I hadn't slept together yet. I was ready, but Kiba had never done it before. He got all shaky and sweaty whenever we got close.

"I'm afraid your grandmother might have given you rather high expectations of me," he joked.

"My grandma says crap all the time," I said. "Don't think on it. I just want to be with you." We started making out. "You're very good at this," I whispered as he nibbled my ear and massaged my breast. His hand slid down my body towards my loins when a crashing noise broke our trance. We both looked in the direction of the noise. It had sounded like someone had broken the door off its hinges.

"Ugh," said Kiba. "My parents aren't supposed to be home for another hour. What the…?" He crawled out of bed and opened the bedroom door. That was our first of many mistakes that day.

What we saw was the stuff of nightmares. An orange-haired man with hideous piercings and crazy eyes looked at us. "Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" he asked. That's when I noticed his robes: Akatsuki.

"We don't know," said Kiba.

"Then you will die," said the man.

"I beg to differ," said Kiba. He whistled, and Akamaru ran to his side from god knows where. "Saki, I'm gonna drive him out of the way, and then you're gonna run, alright?"

"Okay," I whispered.

Kiba and Akamaru did their twirlymajig jutsu, creating a large hole where the door once was. I did as I was told. I ran out of the house, and as I was about to reach the street, I heard him scream. I froze. My heart was pounding out of my chest, tears welling up in my eyes.

I pulled my kunai out of my garter and ran back into the house.

"Where's Naruto Uzumaki?" asked the Akatsuki.

"I told you! I don't know!" Kiba cried. The Akatsuki had pinned Kiba to the wall by the neck. Akamaru lay lifeless on the ground.

"I DO!" I shouted.

"Saki, what the fuck?" Kiba choked.

"It's me he wants," I said. "I'm not gonna let you die when it's me he wants. I know where Naruto Uzumaki is!"

The Akatsuki dropped Kiba, who watched me in terror. "Saki...you don't understand…!"

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" the Akatsuki repeated.

"Someplace you'll never find him," I said.

"You will take me to Naruto Uzumaki," he said.

"I can't."

"Then you will die."

"You would kill the one who has the answers you seek?"

"We will find another. We will find Naruto Uzumaki."

"What if nobody answers you?"

"Then everybody will die."

"That's stupid. Why would you kill an entire village on account of one person?"

"We will find Naruto Uzumaki."

"You won't. Go home, crazy eyes. Nobody can help you."

"Then everybody will die."

"Then what's the point?"

"Everybody will know pain."

"You are one emo motherfucker."

The Akatsuki moved in the blink of an eye, gripping my neck and pushing me against the opposite wall. He literally flew through the air.

"Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" he repeated.

"Go to hell." I had been hiding my kunai behind my back, and I made my move. His vitals were open, so I started stabbing like a madwoman. Kiba threw shuriken from behind. The man, full of wounds, released his grip on me.

Kiba rushed to my side. "You're insane," he said, throwing his face at my face and kissing me. It was fucking hot. I wanted to roll with Kiba in the Akatsuki's blood. Except there was no blood, and the man was still standing on his feet.

We gazed up at him as if we were ants gazing up at a shoe that was about to step on us. "Where is Naruto Uzumaki?" the Akatsuki repeated.

"It's not human," I said. "It's a robot."

"It's gonna kill us," Kiba said. "Hold on tight." He picked me up and whooshed away.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To the capitol. To alert Tsunade. And then, I don't know. I'm useless without Akamaru. Oh god. What the fuck."

Another pair of hands latched onto Kiba, yanking him backwards and separating us. We landed on the roof of a building, at the mercy of the red-haired Akatsuki freak. He picked me up by my hair and dangled me over the street.

"Saki!" Kiba cried in agony.

"One last time," said the Akatsuki. "Where is Naruto Uzumaki?"

"Fuck you," I whispered.

And then, I died.

I remember Kiba's scream. I remember the wind whipping past my body. I remember the crack of my bones against pavement. And then there was darkness. I had no weight, and I was flying upward because there was no gravity.

I landed on the street outside of the bar. Two men were sitting on the bench. One was Jiraiya, and the other was my father.

"Saki!" called my father, standing up and opening his arms. "My brave, beautiful daughter."

He looked just like in my mom's pictures: tall, long black hair and dark eyes, with a slightly oversized nose. He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt bearing the logo of an old rock band. "Father," I said, breathless, running into his arms. I looked at Jiraiya, but he was staring into space as if we weren't there.

"I am so proud of you," said Dad.

"I died," I said.

"You did," he said. There was no sadness in the statement. Just a fact, like the sky is blue.

"And this is Heaven?" I asked.

"No," said my dad. "This is just a meeting place. It is different for everyone. A place of comfort, or a place of great significance to the newly departed. When you are ready, your soul will move to the next stage of its journey."

I nodded. "So are you going to tell me the secrets of the universe?"

He chuckled. "The secret of the universe is there are no secrets."

I smiled. There was great comfort in that statement. "Can we go in and have a drink?" I asked, indicating the bar.

"We can!" Dad exclaimed. "Isn't that wonderful?"

"There is so much I want to tell you," I said.

"And I can't wait to hear you tell it," he said. "Your life has been more than I could have hoped for. I am so very proud of you."

"So our ancestors do watch over us, like in those silly stories," I said. "The village. Dad, it's in trouble. My friends…Mom..."

Dad put his hands on my shoulders. "Saki, the dead have gone mad watching their loved ones on Earth. Best not to begin now. I see, you have another visitor."

"Grandpa Jiraiya," I said.

As if awakening from hypnosis, Jiraiya turned to us. "That is a nice story, isn't it? But no, Saki, I am not your grandfather, although I knew your grandma well."

"Then who is it?" I asked.

"We don't know," said Dad.

"But didn't he come to meet you when you died?"

"Nobody came to meet me when I died," said Dad. "I simply passed on."

My heart broke for him. "I'm sorry," I said, throwing my arms around him.

"Don't be. You, your grandmother, and your mom survived the Nine-Tails attack. That was all that mattered to me."

"You shouldn't have died! _I_ shouldn't have died! The world is stupid."

"You are right," Dad said. "But it gets better. You can't always see it, but with each new generation, things get a little bit better. You will see."

I wiped my eyes. I didn't realize I could still cry after death. That was pretty stupid. I let go of Dad and turned back to Jiraiya. "So did you just come here to tell me you're not my grandfather?"

He beckoned me to sit down. Dad nodded and walked into the bar. I understood I would meet him there after Jiraiya had finished saying what he wanted to say.

"Saki Kureji, official mascot and honorary member of Team Kakashi, Fox Whisperer," Jiraiya laughed. "I almost wish you were my grandchild. We'd have made a pretty good team."

I smiled and leaned my head against his shoulder. "You were on our team. For a little while, anyway."

"You are a good friend to Naruto. Perhaps his best friend. Thanks for watching over him when I couldn't."

"You don't need to thank me for that, Pervy Sage," I said. "Jiraiya! Your book. _The Tale of the Utterly Gutsy Shinobi_."

He chuckled. "Ahhh, yes, the main character shares his name."

"Are you a time traveler?"

"No," he said with a smile. "Although how cool would that be?"

"Badass," I said.

"Ahh, no, actually, Naruto was named after him."

"Oh," I said, "that actually makes more sense. I feel stupid now."

"You are many things, but stupid is not one of them. Although I do sense there is some hate in your heart."

"Hate?" I asked.

"Hate born from love. A nasty little quirk of human emotion. You care very deeply for Naruto, and as such, you hate those who thrust misfortune upon him."

I crossed my arms and looked out over the empty street. Briefly, I saw Naruto, struggling on the ground, with the Akatsuki fucker standing over him. I closed my eyes, and the vision left. "It's not fair!"

"You're right," said Jiraiya, "it's not fair. Although you are wrong to assume it was done in haste or simply to bring power to Konoha. What the Fourth did was ultimately an act of love."

"Love?" I scoffed. "That's insane."

"To understand why, we must go back to the beginning. The very beginning, when the world was young. I'm afraid it's kind of a long story…."

"I'm afraid I have time," I laughed.

He nodded. "In the beginning, all people were chakraless."

"A world of nonchaks?"

"That's right," said Jiraiya, "and then a meteor crashed to the Earth, and the Divine Tree grew. And also, the mother of Shinobi, Kaguya."

"So you're telling me," I said, "that shinobi are aliens."

"Ehhh…," said Jiraiya, " not exactly. But chakra is not natural to this world, no."

"Fair. Go on."

"Kaguya had two sons, and one of them became the Sage of the Six Paths who spread chakra throughout the world, and those descended from the original chakra bearers are the shinobi of today."

"Okay, that I have heard before."

"Right. It's a children's story. But let me ask you this. What happened to the Divine Tree?"

"I've never heard of the Divine Tree," I admitted.

"Most haven't. It's not there anymore. Kaguya ate the fruit of the Divine Tree in order to wield ultimate power to end all conflict. And that is why there is chakra in the world."

"Oh," I said, "well, that's a hot mess. We're not supposed to have it at all. We're supposed to be running around with swords and rocks and shit."

"That's one way to look at it, yes."

"And while ending all conflict sounds nice, it sounds like if you give yourself crazy invincible powers to achieve that, then you're not really solving anything in the long run. You're taking part in the exact thing that you wanted to stop in the first place."

"Yes! You get it."

"So this whole world is built on a lie."

"Well, there is more to the story. Because as you know, conflict returns to the world."

"You're tellin' me," I said.

"The Sage of the Six Paths learned of what Kaguya did to achieve peace, and there was an epic battle between mother and son. The Sage of the Six Paths won the battle, and the Divine Tree shattered into nine pieces. Can you guess what those nine pieces are?"

"The nine tailed beasts," I said. "Whaaat...a tree became monsters? You're trippin'."

"The tree is living chakra. That is also what the beasts are...living chakra. The Sage of the Six Paths feared what would become of the tailed beasts if left to roam free, so to protect them, he sealed them within himself."

"All of them?"

"Yes, all of them. This was not done to make himself more powerful, but as an act of love to protect the creatures. You see?"

"I guess."

"But as everyone on this planet does, the Sage died. Before he died, he released the nine beasts and gifted them to different parts of the world, hoping they would bring balance. But it didn't work like that."

"Well, of course not. People suck. Free super enhanced chakra? Yeah, everyone's gonne be on that. Why didn't he just die with them and leave it at that?"

"Because he loved them, and he truly believed that they would be used for good. But we know what happened next."

"It's the same stupid story every damn time! People do the one thing they're not supposed to do! Weaponize that shit! You know what I would use chakra for, Jiraiya? I'd clean." He laughed so hard he doubled over. "But it's not funny, Jiraiya. I died because of this shit, and I'm sure I'm not the only one."

"No, you're not. And nobody understands that more than Naruto's parents. Ummm...I suspect you've figured out that little mystery?"

"That's not even a mystery."

"Okay, so you know that the Fourth is Naruto's dad. What do you know about his mother?"

"I know her last name was Uzumaki. That's it. That's all anything ever says about her."

"Naruto's mother was the Nine-Tails jinchuuriki."

I let that sink in, trying to process what it meant. "So are you telling me Naruto was _born_ a jinchuuriki?"

"Oh, goodness, no," said Jiraiya. "It doesn't work like that. But the day the Nine-Tails attacked was also the day that Naruto was born. Someone loosened the seal while his mom was in childbirth, sending the Nine-Tails to attack Konoha."

"I get it," I said. "You can't kill a tailed beast, you can only seal them. And since tailed beasts are living, they must be sealed in something living. So Naruto's father gave the Nine-Tails to the only person he could trust with it, his own son."

Jiraiya smiled. "And now," he said, "you truly are the Fox Whisperer."

"It's nice to know," I said, "although, it hardly does me any good now."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," said Jiraiya, picking up my hand. "Look."

My hand had a white aura around it, slowly getting brighter and spreading to the rest of my body. "What's happening?" I said. "Am I passing on? I'm not ready to pass on. My father…."

"Your father will still be here when you return."

"What do you mean?"

And then, as if someone had cranked the gravity meter up way past normal, I fell through the bench and out of the in-between world, back into Kiba's arms.


	11. Saki Sees Red

My senses returned to me slowly. I could feel Kiba's arms around me, and I could hear him weeping. I could also hear Sakura. I couldn't yet move.

"I'm sorry, Kiba," she said, her voice strained from crying. "We've tried everything. She's gone."

His lips touched my forehead. "Oh, Sakura. I think...I think I loved her."

"We all loved her," she said.

"I told her to run away. She could have lived. But she came back because…because she thought she could save me. She thought she could save all of us. Isn't that crazy?"

"That's just like her," said Sakura. "As terrible as it was, I think she died at peace, you know?"

"She went out as much a ninja as any of us," said Kiba. "Her last words were 'Fuck you.'"

Sakura laughed. "That is exactly like her."

I opened my eyes, but they didn't notice. Kiba had a big slug sitting on his head, and his makeup was smeared, making his face look like a gore fest.

"Oh, honey," I said, "this new look is not working for you."

He jumped, causing me to fall off his lap with a little thud onto the ground.

"SAKI!" Sakura exclaimed, picking me up off the ground. They both gasped when I stood up on my own two feet.

"So?" I asked. "What'd I miss? Oh...holy hell…!" I looked out over the landscape, and there was literally nothing but rubble. Rubble and people scattered, some with slugs sitting on them. "Where are we?"

"How are you doing that?" Sakura asked, pointing at my legs.

"Standing? Well, gee, I don't know. I've been doing it as long as I can remember. I don't ever think about it."

"But every bone in your body was broken!" she protested.

"Was it? You know, I heard the crack," I said. "Oh yeah, did I mention I died?"

"We know!" they said in unison.

"That was trippy. So, what'd I miss? Why'd you guys bring me here? It's just a pile of rocks."

They looked at each other uneasily. "Saki," said Kiba, taking my hand. "We didn't go anywhere. This is Konoha."

I strained my eyes trying to recognize my surroundings. "This is a pile of rocks." I started to see red. My breathing quickened. "The Akatsuki came looking for Naruto, and they left a pile of rocks."

"Basically, yeah," said Kiba.

"Naruto went to fight the one responsible," said Sakura. "That was about an hour ago. We've just been trying to heal who we can."

"And then you came back to life," said Kiba. "By the way, how much could you hear of our conversation? I might have said some things."

I fell to my knees and wept, burying my head in my hands. "I can't take this anymore," I said. I was shaking. "A mistake...this whole world is a mistake...a mistake that keeps on repeating itself…."

"Saki…," Kiba said, kneeling down to embrace me. "We're in this together. We'll rebuild. We'll bounce back. That's what we do."

"Just let her cry, Kiba," said Sakura. "She's in shock. We've had time to process."

"Over..and over...and fucking over again…," I muttered. "It's supposed to get better, but it only gets worse…."

"Saki, look at me," said Kiba, putting his hands on mine. I reluctantly complied, holding my head up and gripping his hands tightly. And although my eyes were full of tears, my vision looked clearer than it had ever before. Kiba's jaw dropped. "Saki!"

"What? What now?" I wailed.

Sakura walked around us. "Kiba, you look like you've seen a gh-" Her jaw too dropped, staring at me.

"Ohmygosh, what? What's on my face?"

"Your eyes…," Kiba whispered. "You're a-"

"What?!" I shouted. Sakura took off her headband and held it up to my eyes, metal side facing me. My eyes were red. "Ohmygosh, my eyes are full of blood!"

"That's not blood, Saki," said Sakura. "That's a-"

"-sharingan…," Kiba finished. "You're...an Uchiha…!"

"Oh, of all the ridiculous things!" I exclaimed with a laugh. I took the headband from Sakura and looked closer. It certainly looked like a sharingan, little black flecks and all. I dropped the headband. "Motherfuck, Grandma. Alright, I need my Grandma, someone who understands _sharimajiggies_ , and a drink. And none of that weak shit. This has been a long ass fucking day!"

* * *

I was pissed. There was a huge "Naruto saved the day" party happening, and I couldn't go because everyone would be all JEEPERS CREEPERS WHERE'D YOU GET THEM PEEPERS, and I'd be all IDFK, so I was just sitting by a tree under a very soft fluffy blanket with my awesome boyfriend...okay, maybe this wasn't the worst thing that ever happened. But I was still pissed, because seriously, what the fuck?!

Sakura returned with Kakashi and Yamato.

"Saki…?" said Kakashi, kneeling down. "Let's see it."

I removed the blanket and looked up at him. He gasped. "That's impossible."

"Make it stop," I pleaded.

Yamato said, "You know, there's not really such a thing as a... _nonchak_...anymore. Not truly, I mean."

"But she's not a ninja. She doesn't use chakra, regardless of if she has any at all," Kakashi said.

"She obviously has some," said Yamato. "You'd be hard pressed to find anyone who didn't have any in this day, with all of the intermarriages."

"So little is understood about sharingans outside of the Uchiha clan," said Kakashi. "And with all of them gone..."

"It's my grandpa. It has to be," I said.

"So that would make you, at most, a quarter Uchiha," said Kakashi. "Is that enough?" He looked at Yamato. Yamato shrugged.

"Not that I understand any of this," said Kiba, "but she was doing some pretty intense stuff before it happened."

"What was that?" asked Kakashi.

"I died," I said matter-of-factually.

"She looks very Uchiha, doesn't she?" said Yamato.

"Well, no shit I look like one! I have _sharminabobs_ ," I said.

"Even without them though," Yamato said, thinking out loud. "Black hair, pale skin, dark eyes."

"I look like my dad," I said.

"Saki, I'd like you to explain the events leading up to your death to me. Sharingan is usually awakened in Uchiha during high-stress, high-emotion times."

"Oh, well fuck, let's see. I was making out with Kiba, and then that Akatsuki fucker busted in, and he would have killed Kiba if I hadn't distracted him. He wanted to know where Naruto was, so I said, 'hey, I know where he is, take me,' and then I stabbed him repeatedly with my kunai, but it was not effective, so Kiba whooshed me away, but he caught up to us, and he grabbed me by the hair and dangled me over a building, and I told him to fuck off, and he dropped me, then I talked to my dad and Jiraiya in the world between life and afterlife before coming back here and seeing all of the destruction. That's when it happened, when I saw all this…."

"Okay, you can stop. Saki, you're shaking just talking about it, without being very detailed either," said Kakashi.

"Yeah, it was really scary. I mean, I pretty much knew that I would die when I started confronting that guy. But I had no choice. He would have killed Kiba."

Kakashi put a strong hand on my shoulder. "You did more than was expected of you. This is starting to make sense. Saki, can you turn off the sharingan?"

"Pfffft, no! I didn't exactly turn it on myself, you know," I said.

"Right, well, the appearance of a sharingan means you have Uchiha chakra in you. It's very strong chakra. I'm not surprised that experience brought it out in you, with whatever little you may have. Saki, we're going to try to turn off your sharingan. Imagine your eyes are two candles burning. Then imagine blowing out those candles."

It felt silly, but I did it. He smiled. "Excellent!"

"Are they gone?" My vision looked a little fuzzier than before. A small difference, but noticeable.

"Not gone, just inactive. Let's try turning it on again. Your eyes are candles, and you're going to light those candles."

"Got it." I closed my eyes, thought about candles, and opened them again. My vision was HD again.

"Good job!" said Kakashi. "You would be an exceptional ninjutsu student."

" _Can_ I learn ninjutsu?" I asked. "Have I been a shinobi this whole time?"

"You're at most a quarter shinobi," said Kakashi. "It's a grey area. Lee is one-quarter. I'm guessing that the majority of your chakra was funneled into your eyes, so you probably couldn't do much. But I could be wrong. Sharingan is great for genjutsu."

"Ooooh, that's the thing where you can make people trip balls, right?"

"Uhhh...right, more or less. So, I'd be interested to see what your limits are. This is truly uncharted territory."

* * *

It was nothing but chaos for the next few days. Our first concern was clearing out the rubble. The Land of Fire immediately sent in supplies, and the Village Hidden in the Leaves quickly became the Village Hidden in the Tents. It was like a big unplanned camping trip.

My parents found me with the Inuzakas. On account of all the dogs, they were hard to miss. After the obligatory OMG YAY YOU'RE OKAY, my mom and I sighed and locked eyes.

"I have to tell you something," we said in unison, then took a step back.

"You first," I said. "I'm sure it'll be quicker."

"Oh, I'm not so sure about that," she said.

"Well, I need to talk to Grandma too, so mine can wait," I said.

"Well, okay," she said nervously. "Saki, you might want to sit down for this." All sorts of crazy things were going through my head. Did my mom sprout a Byakugan or something? We took a seat on a boulder that hadn't been moved yet. "Saki, this last ordeal was terrifying to say the least," she started.

"You're telling me," I said.

"Your stepdad and I had a long, serious talk about this, and we've decided Konoha is no longer the right place for us to live."

"Bwhat?" I gasped. "Well, yeah, I can see that _now_ , but we'll rebuild. It'll take a long time-"

"Saki, we've been talking about this since the _first_ attack, back when you were still in pigtails. And that was nothing compared to this. We stayed for your sake, but, well-"

"No," I said adamantly. "We're not moving. I can't."

She took my hand. "Saki, we _know._ "

We searched each other, and I understood. "Ohhh…," I said dejectedly. " _We're_ not moving. _You're_ moving."

Tears started pouring down her face. "I didn't foresee us doing this until you married and moved out. But circumstances being as they are, we just feel it's the right time." I started crying too, latching onto her like a child. "Look at you, Saki. You're a woman now. You have wonderful friends. I have full confidence that, even at a time like this, you'll be taken care of."

She was right, but something about it still felt wrong. "You're taking Grandma too?"

"She can't live here, baby, not like this."

"Okay," I choked. "Okay, can we go talk to her please?"

* * *

Kiba held my hand as we followed my parents to where Grandma had been stationed.

"My Saki!" she cried, holding out her arms. She kissed both my cheeks when we embraced. I didn't want to let go. "And her Inuzuka lover. Come in here, Kiba." She pulled him onto her lap, so both me and Kiba sat on either side of her. She stuck her bony, bejewelled finger in his face. "You take good care of my princess, you hear?"

"Yes, Madam Kureji," he said with a gulp.

"Grandma," I started, "I can't let you leave without showing you something."

"Yes?" she asked. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I thought about candles like Kakashi taught me, and I opened them again. Grandma grabbed my face and pushed our noses together, so that we were eye to eye. She released me. "Holy fuckballs!" she exclaimed.

My mom shrieked when she looked at me. "When did ya learn ta do dat?!" she stammered.

I shrugged. "I got really mad, and then, TADA!"

"Mother, did you _know_ …?" Mom asked Grandma.

"I did not. I have _never_ lain with an Uchiha. They're so uptight," said Grandma.

"Well, if you never did it with an Uchiha, then how?" I asked.

She pointed at Mom. "You cheated on my son!"

"Ohhhhhh, nonononono!" Mom fumed. "Your son _was_ an Uchiha. How do you not know that your son is an Uchiha?"

She shrugged. "How do you not know your husband is an Uchiha? They all look the same with their pants off. So he was an Uchiha. So what?"

"So what? They're all dead, Mother, except for Saki here. It's kind of a big deal."

"An Uchiha…," Grandma mused. "How did that get past me? I know every clan on sight...unless…unless it was that masked guy."

"WHAT?!" Kiba exclaimed.

"What what?" I said, heart pounding. "What masked guy? Kiba, what do you know about a masked guy?"

"Yes…," said Grandma, still lost in her memories. "Honor is everything to Uchiha. Would never visit whores, unless...unless nobody knows who you are…."

"Madam Kureji," said Kiba, "can you describe this mask?"

"Oh, it was a silly looking thing. A big orange swirl," she answered, waving her hand over her face to demonstrate.

"Holy fuckballs," said Kiba.

"Why are we holy fuckballing?" I demanded.

He forced a smile and took my hand. "Nothing, dear."

"Kiba…!"

"Nothing, really. It's fine. Everything's going to be fine. You're you...who cares who your grandpa is? Yeah, no, it doesn't matter…."

I pulled my hand away from him. "We will discuss this later."

"Uh-huh," he said, still staring at me funny. We got off Grandma's wheelchair. "Don't worry Madam Kureji, Mrs. Wu, Mr, Wu. We won't let anything happen to Saki. Do you want us to follow you to the next village?"

"No, thank you, dear," said Mom. "You stay, and rebuild the Hidden Leaf."

My stepdad patted Kiba on the back. "Take care, son. Saki, I know I'm not as cool as your Uchiha dad…."

"Oh, whatever! You taught me how to mix drinks. That was pretty cool," I said, hugging him. "I consider myself lucky. I have two dads!"

"Give 'em hell, kid," he said, a tear in his eye.

"You know it!"

I thought my mom was going to squeeze what little chakra I had right out of me, she squeezed so tight. The sun was setting as they walked away. I stood, staring with my sharingan, until their figures disappeared over the horizon. I turned around and Naruto was throwing his arms around me. "SAKI! SAKURA SAID YOU'VE GOT A-"

"LALALALALALALA!" Kiba shouted over him. "Geez, Naruto, you can't just broadcast that! Ugh, why would Sakura-?"

"First rule of squad: there are no secrets in squad," I corrected Kiba.

Naruto was pressing his nose against mine like Grandma had done, staring at my eyes. I waited patiently for him to finish. "Woah...they're real."

"Holy fuckballs," I said. "Naruto, do that again."

"Do what again?"

I grabbed his face and pushed it against mine again. It looked like there was a tiny animal walking around his irises. "Is that...AHAHAHA!" I pulled back. "I see the thing!"

He looked over his shoulder. "What thing? Where?"

I grabbed his face again. "1...2...3...4...5...6…7...8...9! I see Nine-Tails!"

"WHAT?! Don't do that!"

"It's kinda cute!"

I reached for his face again, but he hid behind Kiba. "That's my thing," he said. "Don't look at my thing. It's weird."

"I'm the Fox Whisperer!"

Sakura and Kakashi approached. "What are you guys talking about?" asked Sakura. "It sounds...wrong."

"Kakashi…!" Naruto said, voice shaky. "Saki's scaring me."

"If I look straight into his eyes, I can see Nine-Tails," I said. "Is that a thing?"

Kiba dropped his forehead into his hand. "Can we use another word besides 'thing'?"

"Remarkable!" Kakashi exclaimed. His voice was almost giddy. "It's been said that Uchihas have the ability to control tailed beasts."

"That's not fair! It's mine!" Naruto whined.

"So Naruto is my pet now? Sweet!" I said.

"Staaaahhhhp!" protested Naruto.

"Alright, Saki, that's enough," Kakashi scolded. "Naruto, act like someone who just saved the world, will you?" Naruto blushed and shut up.

"Alright, Kakashi, I have to tell you something," said Kiba. "It's about Saki's grandpa."

"Oh, yeah!" I said. "What was that? You got so weird!"

"When we showed Madam Kureji the sharingan, she said she had never been with an Uchiha before. What she did say, however, is that she's been with a guy in an orange mask."

Everyone made the same befuddled face. "Goddamn!" I said. "Please explain this."

Kakashi put a sympathetic hand on my shoulder. "If that's true, then we met this person before, on the battlefield. He's an Akatsuki member."

I hung my head as that sunk in. "Motherfuck."

"It's okay, Saki," said Sakura. "It's not your fault."

"My grandma used to tell me stories about all the cool people that could be my grandpa," I said. "I truly believed most of my life that it was Jiraiya. Then I got the _sharinmabobs_ , and I was like, awesome, an Uchiha! But then you tell me this. Of all the people, in all the Land of FIre, that my grandma has slept with, the one who knocked her up was an Akatsuki guy. It fucking blows, guys."

Kiba put his arm around me. "It doesn't change how we feel about you or who you are."

Despite my best efforts, tears started streaming down my face. "Kakashi, you _have_ to teach me ninjutsu."

"Like I said," said Kakashi gravely, "I'll do what I can."

"It has to work. Because...I want to kill him myself. I want to kill my grandpa."


	12. This Is Fine

So what we were sleeping on the ground. I had a hard ninja body and a giant fluffy dog to cuddle with.

"It's weird," said Kiba.

"Very weird," I agreed.

"You don't even know what I'm gonna say," he said.

"You're gonna talk about something that happened today, and everything that happened today has been weird."

"Fair," he said, "but what I was gonna say is this feels kinda like we moved into our first home together."

"Tent sweet tent," I said. "Ground sweet ground."

"Your stepdad called me son," he said.

"You're their favorite next to Sakura. They're afraid of Naruto, Lee fucked up the apartment once, and they're not so big on the whole 'I'm teaching your daughter how to throw knives' thing, so Tenten's out. That leaves you and Sakura in the green. They weren't the biggest fans of Shikamaru. They thought he was a drag." He laughed. "Oh, wait, I'm pretty sure Kakashi is Mom's favorite. But that's for entirely different reasons."

"Yeah, about that, could you stop flirting with him? It's getting awkward."

"Ughhh!" I groaned. "I'm sorry. It's just a habit now. I don't even think about it."

He rolled over so that we were looking into each other's eyes. "Are you gonna be okay?" he asked.

"Of course," I said.

"You were pretty scary earlier," he said.

"Yeah, these things instantly make me look like a badass." I switched my sharingan on and off for a moment.

"You were a badass without them," he said.

"Pfft. Right."

"No, really. You were braver than me when...when it all happened."

"I was terrified," I corrected him.

"Well, yeah, you're not stupid. But you did what you knew had to be done. That's what I mean by brave."

We locked hands. I couldn't avoid it any longer. "I heard you."

"Huh?"

"When you were talking to Sakura. When I was dead. I heard...things."

His eyes widened and he blushed. "Ohhh…."

I layed on my back and stared at the ceiling. "I think I might...too." Although I wasn't looking at him, I could feel him relax. "Like, I don't pretend to know what...it is supposed to feel like. I thought I might have felt it once, but it was very fleeting. All my life I knew that whatever...it felt like, I hadn't felt it. But everything with you has felt different. So maybe I do."

"I can live with that," he said.

"Can I tell you something really embarrassing?"

"Of course," he said, getting excited.

"The way I try to measure what…it is, I imagine if that person had done something unforgivably bad, and if I would want to kill them or not."

"Oh, wow, okay, that's odd."

"It's a Sakura thing."

"Oh," he said. "Ohhhh…" he said, understanding. "Ugh, if I ever did something that stupid, please kill me."

"NO!" I exclaimed involuntarily.

"AHAHAHA! GOTCHA!"

"Ohh, FUCK YOU!"

Akamaru barked and ran out of the tent. We started wrestling. With our tongues. Then with our clothes off. It was loud, and for the record, Grandma was dead on right about Inuzukas. In related news, we need a new tent.

* * *

"Alright, Saki, let's get started," said Kakashi.

"WOOOOOOOHOOOOO SAKI!" cheered Naruto, Sakura, Kiba, Lee, Tenten and Sai. Everyone wanted to watch this go down. Akamaru barked.

"Okay, so the first thing we're going to do is see if you have a chakra nature," said Kakashi. "You see, not all chakra is the same-"

"Yeah yeah yeah, fire water wind lightning earth. And Uchihas are usually fire. Now gimme the paper."

"Uhhh…."

"Kakashi, I've literally been here the whole time. I picked up a few things."

"Uhhh, right. Well, alright, here you go. If the paper becomes ash, that means you're a fire nature; if it rips, then you're wind, like Naruto; if it crinkles, you're lightning, like me; if it turns wet, obviously that's water; and if it crumbles to dirt, then you're earth."

I took the chakra paper from his hands and stared at it. And stared at it. And stared at it. Everyone was staring at this paper. Kakashi got really close to it to see if anything, even the tiniest bit, was happening. It wasn't.

"And when the paper does nothing, it means you're too awesome for this shit!" I said, crumpling it up and tossing it over my shoulder.

"Interesting," said Kakashi. "Maybe that one was defective. Here, try another."

"Do I have to? Do I _really_ have to?" Everyone's expectations for this day were shrinking by the second.

"Ugh…," he groaned. "I'm sorry, Saki. I really thought it was going to turn to ash."

"So, I'm a nonchak after all."

"Not necessarily. It just means you don't have a chakra nature. Lee, take a chakra paper."

"Huh?" asked Lee.

"Just to prove a point," said Kakashi, handing it to him. He took it reluctantly. We all stared. Nothing happened. "See?" Kakashi asked me.

"I see another person who's too awesome for this shit," I said. Everyone laughed appreciatively, and Kiba patted Lee on the back.

"So you won't be doing any ninjutsu. That's okay," said Kakashi.

Lee's face lit up. "SAKI! I will train you in taijutsu!"

"Ohhhh HELL no!" I exclaimed. "I've watched you train. I don't do the whole physical activity thing."

"Saki, every ninja has to do physical training," said Kiba. "What did you expect?"

"I expected to wave my hands around a bit and start breathing fire," I said. "Look, guys, I appreciate the support and how much you want me to be one of you, but I made peace with being a nonchak a long time ago. It's not going to kill me to not start now."

"In all reality, even if Saki did decide to undergo physical training, she wouldn't be able to reach the same levels as any of you. You all began when you were very young. Your bodies grew up into those demands. Saki is fully grown. She'd be, at most, half as fast and strong as any of you. However, the sharingan is a perfect defense for someone like Saki," said Kakashi. He bent down and picked up a stick. "Saki, turn on your sharingan." I complied. "Okay, I'm going to throw this at you. Don't get hit." He aimed it right at my face, but since he threw it so slowly, dodging it was no problem. He smiled. "Very good."

"That was easy," I said.

"I suspect it was. Okay, everyone, throw sticks at Saki. Saki, don't get hit."

"What the fuck? Kakashi!" Another stick came to my face, this one from Kiba, but again, it was so slow. Then one from Lee, then Naruto, then Sakura, then Sai, then Kakashi, and so on and so forth. Tenten threw two at once. I was getting tired pretty fast. "Guys, okay, this is stupid. You're not proving anything by throwing them so slow."

"Slow?" asked Kiba. "Who are you calling slow?"

"How does one throw slow?" asked Sai.

"Yeah, Saki, how does one throw slow?" asked Kakashi.

"I don't fucking know, but you were all doing it, just now," I said. "I figured it was some 'go easy on the nonchak' jutsu."

"Saki, you know I would never go easy on you," said Kiba.

"Heheh, you said the same thing last night," I said.

"Uhhhhhhhhh…," everyone else groaned.

Kakashi shook his head. "Ohhhhkay, that's not something I needed to hear. Alright, Saki, nobody was going easy on you or trying to throw slow. The sticks just _looked_ slow."

"How does something _look_ slow?" I asked.

"The way a sharingan works," said Kakashi, "is it creates its own time loop for the user. Literally, everything _is_ slower to you when you are using sharingan. That's how a sharingan user is able to copy jutsu. They can see and memorize each hand sign, memorize each movement. Or, in your case, see the stick before it hits your face."

"That's awesome," I said.

"Like I said," said Kakashi, "it's a perfect defense for you. Kunai and katana are nice, but now you'll be able to dodge an attack without them."

"And nobody will expect Saki to have a sharingan," said Naruto.

"Exactly. There is a danger in that, though," said Kakashi. "If people start to notice your sharingan, then you could become a target for abduction. Uchiha and Hyuga alike have this problem, but since there are so few Uchiha, it's an even bigger risk for you. Shinobi will want to steal your eyes."

"WHAT?!" I exclaimed. "Then I don't want them."

"Well, just keep your sharingan turned off unless you find yourself in an attack situation," said Kakashi.

"Nobody is going to touch them," said Kiba. "Trust me."

That had been a really good day. Kakashi had more ideas of things he could teach me, but he had to go do ninja business, so I spent the day hanging out with the extended squad and helping with rebuilding.

The next day, my hell began.

Apparently, activating all of those slug nurses during the Akatsuki attack really did a number on Tsunade, so she was in a coma. Some dude named Danzo was acting Hokage now. I'd never heard of the guy, but Sakura didn't like him, so I didn't like him. Because that's just how that works.

So, before the whole blow up (too soon?) in Konoha, Tsunade got invited to a Five Kage Summit. That's a big hairy deal. OH, I almost forgot the best part. The Summit was taking place in the "Land of Iron," which is evidently a nation of nonchaks. Except they call themselves "samurai," and they're apparently master swordsmen. So from now on, I will not be referring to myself as a nonchak. I will be referring to myself as a samurai. Saki Kureji-Uchiha, official mascot of Team Kakashi, Fox Whisperer, Samurai. Yeah.

As I understood it, a Five Kage Summit only happened a couple of times before. And what prompted all five Kages to think maybe they were due to discuss some things was none other than our Prince of Darkness, Sasuke. This motherfucker joined the Akatsuki and then botched some mission in the Land of Lightning which got them pissed off at us since he's "our rogue." So basically the thing I said we needed to do at the very beginning of this hot mess, everyone was just now realizing we needed to do. Everyone, of course, except Naruto.

Naruto, without warning, burst into mine and Kiba's new tent.

"Have you seen Kakashi?!" he exclaimed.

"Bruh, does it look like we've seen Kakashi? We're not wearing any clothes," I said calmly. Thankfully there were blankets.

"Oh," he said, blushing. "Well, I need to find Kakashi so I can go stop the five Kages from killing Sasuke." He left as quickly as he came.

"Oh, motherfuck," I said. "Kiba, hand me my clothes."

"Ughhhhhh…," he groaned. "Just let him go. He's gonna do it no matter what you say."

"I know, but…!"

"Saki," he said, grabbing me by the shoulders. "Take a deep breath. You don't have to get involved in everything they do. This is Naruto and Sakura's thing. Lay back down."

"But squad though!" I whined.

"But me though!" he said, exasperated. I pulled back, hurt, partially because he was right. Where did Kiba fit into this equation, exactly? I don't think I'd completely worked it out. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to imply that I was somehow more important. It just frustrates me when you get all worked up over their shit. _It's not your shit._ "

"I know," I said. "I'm sorry. Okay. I will try to sit this one out." We started kissing, but my head was not in that tent anymore.

Once I had seen a cartoon of a little smiling dog sitting at a table drinking coffee with flames all around him, and a caption that read, "This is fine." That dog was me, and Kiba was my coffee, and the flames were squad. And squad was life.

Sakura at least had enough sense not to barge into the tent.

"Saki…!" she called.

Kiba and I were eating lunch at this point, so there was no awkwardness. I looked at him, and he shrugged. Naruto was one thing, but Sakura was best friend. Kiba had been outranked. "Come in," I said.

There were tears in her eyes. "Saki, can we talk?"

"Of course," I said, getting up and putting my arm around her. We exited the tent.

"You've heard the news?" she asked.

"Naruto's going to the Summit? Yeah, pretty cray-cray," I said.

"Wait, what?" Oh shit. "Oh no, he's going through with that? When did he tell you?"

"This morning," I said.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I figured you'd know," I stammered. "It's not like I could stop him. Bro's stubborn as fuck."

"Ohhh, this is bad," she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, I guess I just think this has gone too far," she said.

"Umm, yeah, that's an understatement," I said.

"I love Sasuke," she said. "I know there's a good person inside of him. But I've accepted that I can't expect him to come back like he was before. Not after all of this."

"Wow," I said. "I wasn't expecting that." I realized that a whole lot of pain and soul-searching had brought her to that point.

"You were right, Saki," she said. "As usual."

"Stop," I said. "I take no pride in being right on this." I hugged her.

"If it has to happen," she whispered, "I want to be there."

I pulled back and looked her in the eye. She was dead serious. I was a little scared of her in that moment. "Can you...do that?"

"I don't know," she said. "I can't bear to think about it, but I even more, can't bear to think about someone else doing it. There needs to be...someone who cares about him around, you know?"

"I totally get that," I said. "It's like putting your dog down. I take it you haven't talked to Naruto about this."

"No," she said. "I tried, but he's dead set on saving Sasuke." Tears started pouring out of her already puffy eyes. "Saki, he doesn't want to be saved."

I couldn't help but cry with her.

Sakura wanted me to help her talk to the rest of her class about Sasuke. Usually I would have been all over that, but I remembered what Kiba said earlier, and I decided to sit this one out. Sakura relied on me for too much shit. It really was time for me to sit back and let her handle this on her own. I only had one request, that she personally talk to Naruto before doing anything.

Yep. This is fine.

I was spending some quality time with Mrs. Inuzuka the next day. Mrs. Inuzuka was a badass. The dog she fought with was part wolf and pretty much only answered to her, unlike that big marshmallow Akamaru.

Kiba came back from the meeting with Sakura and beckoned for me. "We're going," he said.

"Going where?" I asked.

"We're going to find Sasuke," he said.

"Now?"

"Yeah, it's now or never. Me, Lee, Sai and Sakura."

"Woah woah woah. What happened to staying out of it?"

"Uhhh…," he stammered, "but squad though?"

"You flake!" I exclaimed, throwing my arms around him and kissing him. What was sexier than my man standing up for my friends? Nothing, that's what.

"Mmmm…," he said, "we'll finish that thought when I get back."

"Mmmmhmmm," I said. "So I take it I have to lie to your mom for you?"

"Yep," he said. "Tell her we went to gather supplies from the neighboring village."

"Alright," I said. "Look, you're basically an extension of me out there. Don't let Sakura do anything stupid."

"I promise," he said, kissing me again before whooshing away with Akamaru.

I returned to Mrs. Inuzuka. Her hands were on her hips, and she was glaring at me. "What was that about?"

"Nothing," I said, my voice getting too high. "Kiba is just going to get supplies from the next village."

"Oh," she said. "Well, you could have gone with him."

"No," I said. "I slow them down. So, tell me about how you train the dogs."

"What does he need to get that fast?" she asked.

"Ummm, I dunno," I said. "He's helping someone else I think."

She crinkled her brow. "Kiba doesn't help people."

"I know, weird, right?" I laughed nervously. "But dogs though..." She kept glaring at me. I thought it was a pretty solid lie myself. It was like she could smell dishonesty. "You know what? I'm supposed to meet some friends at Ichiraku soon. Great chatting with you, Mrs. I. See you later!"

I left, because that's not at all suspicious.

And yes, Ichiraku was still a thing. It's pretty much the first thing that pops back up anytime the village gets pancaked. He set up a large tent and a large cauldron and served for free. He only had the chicken flavor, but it was Ichiraku, so it was still awesome.

"Hi, Mr. Ichiraku!" I said, happily accepting a cup of warm noodles.

"Saki!" he exclaimed. "How's it going? Where are your friends?"

"Oy," I said, sitting down at a bench behind the serving station. "Not gonna lie, Mr. Ichiraku. They're in a hot mess right now."

"Oh," he said. "Well, I'm sure they'll pull through. They always do. Naruto is the Boy Who Makes Miracles Happen."

"Yeah," I agreed. "Doesn't mean I don't worry about them though."

"Of course," said Mr. Ichiraku. "Oh no…."

"What's up?"

"I don't have the chicken done for the next batch. I just can't keep up with all these people."

"Oh," I said. "Well, I can cook chicken."

"Oh, no," he said. "You go have fun."

"Most of my friends are gone. I'm happy to help. It would distract me."

"Oh, well…," he said, "okay! Grab yourself an apron and a hairnet."

I wasn't enthused about the hairnet, but this was for charity, and I did enjoy cooking. As much as I enjoyed the chaos of the ninja world, it was very comforting to spend some time doing something completely mundane with a fellow nonchak. I mean samurai. Mr. Ichiraku, Ramen Samurai.

I came back each day to help Mr. Ichiraku. I hadn't realized this before, although it seems completely obvious, but Ichiraku's is the gossip hub of Konoha. That guy literally hears everything. We heard that the Five Kage Summit had ended, and that a man in a mask named Madara Uchiha had declared war on all shinobi. Good old Grandpa Madera, always making jokes...ugh. I felt sick to my stomach. There was also a rumor that Sasuke had been at the Summit, and that Danzo had gone missing. I was starting to feel restless. What the actual fuck was happening out there?

One day, a cold, raspy voice I'd never forget greeted Mr. Ichiraku. My back was to the people most of the time since I was cooking chicken, but I didn't have to see him. The voice of Gaara was the single scariest thing I'd ever heard in my life. I didn't care if he was reformed. He still turned up in my nightmares.

"Ichiraku," he said, "it is an honor to meet you."

"Lord Kazekage!" said Ichiraku, bowing. "Well, I'll be! What brings you to my very humble establishment?"

"My best friend Naruto Uzumaki always speaks very highly of you, and of your soup," said Gaara. "We are passing through on our way home, and I wanted to taste for myself."

"Oh, well," said Ichiraku modestly, "we're hardly at our best right now, but who am I to deny the Kazekage?"

I turned around to ask Gaara about Naruto, but I quickly spun back to the chicken. Shit. It wasn't just Gaara, it was his siblings. Both of them. Damnit, why. Why? Why why why why?! I just froze, staring at a burning piece of chicken. I didn't know what to do. Well, scratch that. I knew what to do. But I was unsure of what I actually would do. Could I actually not flirt with Kankuro? When I turned around and saw him, how could I not look at him the way I did before? It's not that I was unhappy with Kiba or wanting to cheat on him at all. Quite the opposite. But when you have a history with someone, and especially a history like ours, it's hard to be natural without reverting back to what comes naturally. Really naturally. Thankfully, none of them had recognized me.

"Saki, dear, can we get some fresh chicken for the Kazekage and his guards?" asked Ichiraku. I heard them mumble my name. Motherfuck.

Staring at the chicken, I walked to the serving station. My hairnet flew off my head, and I snapped my head up. The hairnet was dangling from Kankuro's hand with chakra strings. "SAKI!" he cried.

My knees buckled. Even in his full puppet master attire, I found him attractive. Then I thought of Kiba out there, and I felt dirty. If I loved Kiba, I shouldn't be feeling like this right now, right? Right?!

"Hey, guys," I forced. "How is everything?"

They sighed. Evidently not good. There were so many things I wanted to ask, but I didn't know if it was appropriate.

"It is a long journey," said Gaara. "The first of many to come, I suspect."

"Did you happen to run into Naruto or Sakura out there?" I asked.

"Naruto is on a fool's errand," said Gaara, shaking his head.

"I know," I said. "Couldn't talk him out of it either, huh?" He shook his head. "When did you see him?" I pressed.

"Before the Summit," he answered. "Many days ago. Has he not returned?"

I shook my head. My stomach tightened. I said it once, and I'll say it again: this part of being friends with ninjas never got easier.

"So how are you holding up here?" asked Temari gently. "People look generally happy."

"We're a resilient bunch," I said. "And you can't be sad when you're eating Ichiraku."

Kankuro slurped down his soup. "I'll say. Do you think you could hook me up with another?"

"Kankuro," scolded Temari, "these people are in crisis!"

"No, it's cool," I said to Temari.

I went to snag a quick cup between the other customers. I stared at the soup as I brought it back to Kankuro. His fingers brushed mine as he was taking it from me, and I jerked back instinctively, sending the soup flying up at my neck and chest.

"Here, let me help with that," he said.

"No, don't touch me," I said quickly.

"Saki, chill, it's me," he said, trying to take my hands.

"I know. That's the problem," I said.

"Okay," said Kankuro. "We need to talk."

"Yeah," I whispered. He touched me lightly on the shoulder as we walked away from the crowd. I jerked away again. "Sorry," I whispered.

"What's going on with you?"

"I have a boyfriend," I said.

"Oh," he said. "That's it?"

"What do you mean, that's it?"

"You were acting like I had the plague. I thought I'd done something to make you mad."

"Oh, no, of course not. I'm sorry. I just wasn't expecting you, and I kinda panicked."

He sighed. "I'm not going to pretend I'm not disappointed. But I'm also not surprised. I mean, it's you. Who's the lucky guy?"

"His name is Kiba."

"Ohhhhh!" he laughed. "Inuzuka?"

"You know him?"

"I saved his ass back in the day," he said, still laughing. "Good guy, though. Does he still have that puppy?"

"Akamaru? Akamaru is huge."

"He was tiny when I saw him."

"Okay," I said, starting to smile. "I'm seriously jealous you got to see Akamaru as a puppy. How big was he?" Kankuro indicated the size with his hands. "Awwwwwww!" I squealed.

"Yeah, cute," he said. He hung his head. "I wish I would have followed you that day."

"No," I said, "don't. Don't say that. Don't think that. Just let it go."

"Sorry," he said. "I can't pretend it's easy seeing you again."

"Same," I said.

"You were super cute in your Suna robe," he said.

"I did like that robe," I laughed. "I liked a lot of things...but, I think this is right. I'm married to Konoha. I have squad."

"And I have siblings." We looked into each other's' eyes and sighed. "So this is it, for real, then," he said.

"I guess so. I'm sorry."

"But it was good, though."

"Hella good," I agreed.

We hugged for a long time before returning to his siblings. Gaara wanted to see all the reconstruction, so I became their tour guide. As we walked around, Temari was searching the faces of passing shinobi.

"Saki," she said, "do you know where Shikamaru is?"

That was random. "Shikamaru Nara? Honestly, no. Sorry. I don't keep in touch with him much since we broke up, and that was a long time ago."

"Oh," she said, startled, "you dated him?"

"When I was, like, thirteen," I said. "It was silly. All we did was suck face."

"Oh," she said again.

I picked up what she was throwing down. "He's become a really impressive ninja since then. You'd be cute together, for sure."

"Ohh, Saki," she mumbled.

"Guess who Saki's dating?" Kankuro asked.

"Oh, Saki has a boyfriend?" asked Temari with a mixture of interest and sympathy. God, they were bad at being slick. "Who?"

"Inuzuka," said Kankuro with a mixture of amusement and disdain.

"The kid with the dog?" said Temari, her brow crinkling.

"Guys, I'm right here," I said.

"Sorry," said Temari. "I kinda thought he was a tool when I met him. I'm sorry."

"BAHA!" I chortled. "So did I. Our first few meetings were...interesting."

"Well," she said, "good for you, I guess."

* * *

I was kicking Gaara's butt in Go Fish when Kiba showed up.

"Hey, hey! Kankuro!" Kiba exclaimed.

"Inuzuka!" Kankuro returned. They clasped hands and patted each other on the back like guy friends do. I wasn't sure if I was mortified or amused. All I had told Kiba was that I'd lost my virginity to a guy in Suna. He hadn't wanted any specifics. I had no idea they were bros.

Kiba said, "Do you still got the…?" He wiggled his fingers like an idiot.

"Well, yeah," said Kankuro, "and don't tell me that's the puppy!"

Akamaru wagged his tail and nudged Kankuro's hand for a pet.

"Yep, that's my man," said Kiba. I covered my face with my cards to hide my embarrassment. "Dang, Saki, we've gotta go take a vacation to Suna and hang with this guy. This guy is awesome."

I bit my tongue. "Okay, Kiba, we'll talk about that later."

"You gotta see his puppets. Kankuro, show her the puppets."

"He showed me...," I said.

"Awesome, right?" Dear god. Kiba had a man crush. On my first. Dear god. What a, literally, hot mess.

"Right. Alright, Kiba, you gonna tell me what went down out there or what?" I asked.

"Yeah, alright," he said. "After Konoha is stabilized, we'll come chill with you guys, alright?"

Kankuro was finding this as amusing as I was. "Yeah," he forced.

"Next time," said Gaara, "I will not _go fish_. I will win."

"Yeah...," I said. Nope, still scary. Will never not be scary.

* * *

Oh. My. God. What a mess. What a hot, hot mess! Not only had Sakura failed to properly inform Naruto, she had told him she loved him? I was so pissed at her. Kudos to Naruto for not falling for it, though. Speaking of falling for it, she put the boys to sleep? All three of them? I wasn't sure who I was more annoyed with: her for doing it, or them for letting it happen. Kiba, you had ONE JOB! Impressive on Sakura's part, but still!

Kakashi called everyone together to chew us out.

"Alright," he started. "Please realize that this is coming from a place of love. You are all talented young shinobi. But what you did was by far the most reckless thing you've ever attempted. You are all lucky to still be alive. Understand?"

They hung their heads. "Yes, Kakashi Sensei."

He raised his voice. "You are chunin! You must learn to control your emotions, and understand that there are some things that will beyond you! You've got the bravery, you've got the talent, but now it's time to learn your place! It doesn't matter who you are. You cannot take every matter that triggers your passions into your own hands. There are procedures in place for a reason. You need to trust your village leaders, understand?"

"Yes, Kakashi Sensei."

"And you…!" he said, pointing to me.

"What did I do? Why am I even here?" I said.

"I know you! I know you had a hand in this!"

I threw up my hands. "I did _not_ have a hand in this. I'm trying this new thing where I stay _out_ of shinobi business."

He put down his finger. "Oh," he said. "Well...don't."

"Can I please get that in writing?"


	13. Girl Power

Just because I was forbidden from not interfering with shinobi affairs didn't mean that the shinobi with whom I was interfering were always going to listen to me.

"Naruto, you _cannot_ tell everyone that you're the only one who can handle Sasuke," I said. "Remember how that turned out for Sakura? Not good."

"That's different. Sakura tried to trick everyone, and she's not as strong as I am," he said. "I am the only one strong enough to take on Sasuke, and that's a fact."

"That may be true, but that statement right there sounds incredibly arrogant. Maybe we just keep that thought tucked under our headband until we need it," I suggested.

"But if anyone is going to try to kill Sasuke again…."

"Do you really think anyone is going to try that again after the last fiasco? Just let it rest, bruh."

"I _can't_. You don't understand."

"I fucking do understand. You want to protect your friends. But Sasuke wasn't just _your_ friend. Everyone feels in some way responsible for him. So they're going to want to be included, especially Sakura. You have to at least be on the same page as Sakura. Look, everyone is under a lot of stress right now. Let us build a new Konoha, get a new Hokage, and then maybe we can start talking about Sasuke again."

"I cannot rest while Sasuke is out there!" he exclaimed.

I _could_ relate to that feeling. I felt it each time squad left Konoha. "Okay, I guess I get that," I finally conceded, "but don't call a big meeting with everyone. Just go talk to Sakura, okay?"

"Okay," he said. "Thanks, Saki!"

"No problem, Naru-bro!"

* * *

Kiba stormed into the tent. "Your friend Naruto has some nerve…!"

"Oh, motherfucker!" I exclaimed.

* * *

Nothing relieved stress like throwing around sharp objects with Tenten.

"Your aim is so much better with the sharingan!" she said in awe. "I think you could throw shuriken."

"Sweet," I said.

"So I heard things got a little crazy with you guys," she said, taking some shuriken out of her bag.

"Oh, girl," I said, "you don't even know. Sakura and Naruto are barely speaking to each other, and then Naruto's little stunt today pissed Kiba off. Kiba was already annoyed about Sakura taking him on her mission just to knock him out. I needed a timeout."

"Sounds like they all need a timeout," said Tenten. "Alright, this is a standard shuriken. You throw it like a frisbee."

"I've never been good at throwing frisbees."

"Try it with the sharingan. All your kunai have been on point."

I took the shuriken and flung it at the target. It sailed over the target, and then we heard a cry of surprise.

"Oh shit!" I said. Tenten was already racing in the direction of the sound. I followed, and saw Lee handing the shuriken to her. "Did I hit you?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I dodged it."

Tenten handed it back to me, but I declined. "We were lucky it was Lee and not a civilian," I said.

"Remember how terrible you were at kunai?" she asked. "Come on, you'll get this too."

"Saki, Tenten, have you heard Kakashi is going to be the new Hokage?" asked Lee.

"Shut up!" I gasped. "Kakashi-kage. That's hot."

"Guy Sensei has challenged Kakashi to a final race. Want to watch?"

"Oh, hell yeah I want to watch!" I said. "Kakashi's gonna kick butt."

"Ha!" said Lee. "Guy Sensei is a taijutsu master. Nobody can beat him."

"Ohhh, whatever! Kakashi is an everything master."

"How about we make this interesting?" said Tenten.

"I like the way you think," I said. "Lee, if Guy wins, I'll...what do you want, Lee?"

"I want to be the best ninja ever!"

"Something that I can give you, Lee. It's a bet. We're making a bet."

"Oh," he said, and then he smiled. "Okay, if Guy wins, you have to do one day of physical training with me."

"Oh shit," I said. "How about one hour? I would die if I tried to do a day."

"You'd probably die before an hour…," said Tenten.

"Thirty minutes of physical training," said Lee.

"Alright," I said. "And if Kakashi wins...you have to get me a bottle of booze."

"I can't buy alcohol!"

"I didn't say buy.I said _get_."

"Saki, I could get in a lot of trouble."

"I'll give you a month to figure it out. Deal?" I extended my hand.

"Deal," he said, shaking it.

Guy and Kakashi were going to end up at the top of the Hokage Face Mountain, which is a place I'd never been before. Lee had to carry me. Camp Konoha looked like anthills from up there. We set up a cute little finish line and waited.

"I am looking forward to our training, Saki!" said Lee, dropping down to do some push-ups.

"I am looking forward to being drunk," I said. I turned on my sharingan to see if I could see Guy and Kakashi out there, but apparently it didn't help you see anything closer.

"There is Guy Sensei!" Lee exclaimed, pointing to a dust cloud. "Go go go!"

"Hey, Lee, you mispronounced _Kakashi_ ," I taunted. I turned on my sharingan again, and this time I _could_ see their figures running through the reconstruction. Yep, there's the next Hokage, racing like a little kid with his best friend. Adorable.

They were neck and neck, whooshing up the mountain. Finally, they blurred past the finish line.

"WOOO GUY SENSEI!" Lee shouted.

"KAKASHI FOR THE WIN!" I shouted. "SUCK IT, LEE!"

"No no no, Guy won, didn't you, Guy?"

"One word, Lee: SHARINGAN! Kakashi won."

He stared at me, mouth open, then hung his head. "She is right. Darn!"

Like some sort of magician, Guy pulled out a bouquet of flowers from his vest and handed it to Kakashi. They started reminiscing about their friendship.

"Hey, look, Lee, your man crush has a man crush on my man crush," I laughed.

"It is so beautiful," said Lee.

"They are cute together," I agreed. "So, booze."

"Oh no," said Kakashi, "Saki, do not give Lee booze."

"I'm not," I said. "He's giving _me_ booze. We had a bet."

Kakashi put his head in his hand. "Okay, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Saki, I actually wanted to find you. I've arranged for you to take genjutsu lessons from Kurenai Sensei."

"What?" I said. "But you're my sensei."

"Well, I'm going to be Hokage now, and besides that, Kurenai is better at genjutsu."

I held my hand to my heart. "You're breaking up with me?"

"No, Saki, it's not-"

"No, I see how it is. Big Hokage now is too good for little ol' quarter-chak Saki."

"It's not you, it's me! Ugh, wait, what am I saying?"

I took Kakashi's hand. "It's okay, Kakashi. I understand. We had some good times, but it never would have worked out between us."

"You're a little shit," he said.

"I love you too, Kakashi," I said with a wink.

* * *

Since Kurenai was Kiba's sensei, he went with me to the field where she was supposed to meet us. She was sitting on a rock reading a scroll. She had dark brown wavy hair, and her eyes were a really cool burnt orange color that sometimes appeared red. She had a white dress made out of strips of cloth wrapped around her body. It was awesome, and I wanted one. Kiba had always spoken highly of her, and after seeing her, I thought there may be more to it than just her being a good teacher. She was genuinely beautiful. I was totally using that next time he gave me shit about Kakashi.

"Kurenai Sensei," said Kiba, "this is Saki, my girlfriend."

"The famous Saki Kureji," she said, extending her hand.

"The famous Kurenai Sensei," I said, shaking it.

"Okay," she said, sitting back on the rock. "So I was just reviewing what Kakashi wrote about you. You are by far the most unique case I've ever taken, but you sound like a good candidate for genjutsu training, although I've never done it with someone who had limited chakra. Very few ninja master genjutsu because it is 100% mental. What makes it difficult for most ordinary ninja may end up working in your favor. Plus, Uchiha are inclined towards genjutsu, and on top of that, you're a woman."

"What does that have to do with it?" I asked.

"Women are naturally more inclined towards genjutsu than men," she said.

"Interesting," I said.

"Woman to woman," she said, leaning in. Kiba was rolling around in the grass with Akamaru, not paying any attention. "You've found you have a certain... _influence..._ over men, haven't you?"

I blushed and giggled. "I even have Kakashi Sensei wrapped around my finger."

"I knew it," she said, winking. "That attitude is the base for good genjutsu. That's why women are better at it. Men have always ruled by force. Women, throughout the years, have found other means of getting what they want." Kurenai Sensei, I thought, you are my spirit animal. "Before we get into performance," she continued, "I want to teach you how to break genjutsu. The first step is to recognize that you're in one. Were you at the Chunin Exams when Orochimaru attacked?"

"Yes," I said.

"Then you've had the experience. Describe it for me."

"I was with Sakura. We were watching Sasuke fight Gaara, and then it looked like a bunch of feathers flew at my face, and I started to hallucinate all kinds of things, like I was dreaming. I saw things that I wanted to see…." Akamaru barked, and suddenly, Kurenai wasn't on the rock anymore. She was behind me with a kunai to my throat. My heart pounded, and my head hurt. "What?" I finally said.

"You were in a genjutsu," she said, removing the kunai.

"When? How?" I asked, still dazed.

"When I asked you to start describing the Chunin Exams. You stopped paying attention to your surroundings and started to focus on a memory, making you susceptible."

"Wow," I said. "I didn't even see you do anything."

"I made one hand sign," she said, demonstrating. "And I looked you directly in the eyes."

"Oh," I said. "I didn't realize that was a sign. I thought you were just putting your hands there."

"It's okay," she said. "I wanted you to fall for it. Now, with your sharingan, you might not even need a sign, but we'll test that much later. Do you know what caused you to break the genjutsu?" I shook my head. She turned to Kiba. "Kiba, do you know?"

"Akamaru barked," he said.

She smiled. "Very good. External stimuli are the simplest way to break a genjutsu. Saki, I am impressed, because you required only a sound stimulus. Most ninja require a physical touch. Kiba, what could Saki have done to avoid falling under the genjutsu?"

"Well, first of all, she was looking you directly in the eye," said Kiba. "You should never look your enemy directly in the eye. Second, she should have recognized the hand sign."

"There's no way I would have known that was a hand sign," I said. "I've only ever seen hand signs with multiple steps in them."

"And that's one of the benefits of genjutsu," she said. "Do you remember what the sign looked like?" I looked at my hands and started twisting them in different positions until I gave up. "It's okay," she said. "We're going to do this again. This time, Saki, turn on your sharingan."

"Wait," said Kiba, "shouldn't she learn how to do this without relying on sharingan?"

She shook her head. "Let's assume for now that if Saki were ever in an attack situation, she'd have her sharingan on. This is her gift, so she should use it. Later, when she has more skills, she could certainly do it without. We're doing a bit of a dual training here. Alright, Saki, let's chat. Tell me about...when you met Kiba."

"Ha!" I said, trying to look at her nose. "Oh man. So when I met Kiba, I really didn't like him. He actually pissed me off, because I was on an awkward date that I didn't even really want to be on and Kiba made fun of me. But I liked his dog. So I saw his dog again, and-" I saw her hands move into a steeple formation. "-AHA!" I pointed and looked away.

"Perfect!" she said. "You successfully avoided a genjutsu attack."

"But how do I know I'm not in one right now?"

"Ahhh," she said with a smile. "Very astute of you. You're not, but if you're ever unsure, all you need to do is get one of your comrades to touch you. Your reaction was perfect, but in the event that I had followed through with it, someone would have immediately come to find out what was wrong."

"And if I'm alone?"

"If you're alone, then you need to touch something in your environment to break it. But let me ask you this. What is the hand sign?" I looked at my hands and molded them into the steeple position. She examined it. "Bravo!"

"Seriously?" said Kiba, bringing his face to my hands.

"Seriously," she said. "Good sharingan work, Saki!"

"What, you're surprised?" I asked Kiba. "I thought you wanted me to be one of you. Are you scared or something?"

The color in Kiba's face started to drain. Kurenai laughed. "Oh, girl, you are a natural! See how his eyes are locked on yours? You would have had him."

Kiba closed his eyes and rapidly shook his head. "She would not! I was in total control!"

"Bullshit," I said.

He sat back down and hugged Akamaru.

"Alright, Saki, don't forget this hand sign. We're going to break a heavy genjutsu," she said.

"Heavy genjutsu?" I asked.

"There are varying degrees of genjutsu," said Kurenai. "What I did today was a light genjutsu. You were conscious, and as such, it doesn't require any chakra to break. A heavy genjutsu is what you experienced at the Chunin Exams, where you fell unconscious. A heavy genjutsu can only be broken with chakra."

"So I might not be able to do this," I said.

She thought a moment. "You remember the sign?" I moved my hands to the steeple. "Okay, turn your sharingan off. We're not sure yet how much chakra you have at your disposal, so let's not have your eyes eating it up if we don't need them. You remember those feathers from the Chunin Exams?" I nodded. "Okay, when you start to see feathers, make the sign, close your eyes, and say, _'_ Release!'"

"That's it?" I asked.

"When you close your eyes, firmly remember your current surroundings. That will weaken the power of the genjutsu."

"Okay, got it," I said.

"Alright, just wait for the feathers. In this kind of attack, there is no trick to avoiding it altogether."

"Okay," I said.

Kurenai closed her eyes and made the sign. Then, there were feathers..feathers...feathers...feathers...fluffy puppies...wine...Kiba naked...cleaning jutsu….ramen...Kakashi's teeth...Uchiha restoration...romance novels….

"RELEASE!"

I opened my eyes. Kurenai was bending over me. "Ugh…," I said. "I didn't do the thing."

"No," she said, "but that was probably my fault. When you imagined your surroundings, was I in it?"

"Yes," I said.

"So you kept me in your head, which allowed me to overpower you quicker. My fault. You wouldn't be attacked like this with your attacker right in front of you. So let's do it again. This time, face the other way."

"What about Kiba?" I said. Kiba and Akamaru were passed out on the ground.

Kurenai sighed and shook her head. "He knows better. Well, while he's down, let's see if you can release him. Remember the hand sign?" I made the sign. "Awesome. Now this should be pretty easy because you know Kiba very well. It's easier to release people you're close to. You're going to make the hand sign, say 'release _,'_ and tap him lightly on the shoulder. As you do that, think about him awake. It also sometimes helps to imagine you're giving your friend a little shock. That'll help channel your chakra to him."

"Okay," I said. I took a deep breath, and my heart was pounding. I was not very confident that I could do this. Think about him awake, think about him awake...I knelt next to him and made the hand sign. "Release!" Think about him awake…send a shock...I tapped him. His eyes opened, and a smile spread across his face as we looked into each other's eyes.

"Good job, Saki!" said Kurenai. "You really are a natural!"

"I did a chakra thing!" I exclaimed. Kurenai high-fived me. "Kiba, I did a chakra thing! I can't wait to tell Sakura and-" Kiba's face was funny. He grabbed me and started kissing me, and not in the way you would in front of your teacher. I tried to push him off, and Kurenai hit him on the back of his head.

"Ugh!" he groaned, holding his head. Then he looked back and forth. "What the-?"

"Kiba, what the fuck?" I said. "I know it's exciting, but damn!"

"I was in a genjutsu. I thought we were alone in our tent," he said.

"Well, yeah, Kurenai put me under one too. But then that means…." I hung my head. "Then I didn't do it. I _can't_ do it."

"No," said Kurenai. "Mine was a heavy genjutsu, which means he wouldn't have been able to move. So you did do something. You brought him from a heavy to a light genjutsu. This is a good start. Saki Kureji, you are _not_ a nonchak. You're a fine quarter-chak genjutsu specialist. We're gonna focus all your chakra into genjutsu. By the time I'm done with you, you'll be the Leaf's Sharingan Sorceress."


	14. At 3 AM

Konoha was basically rebuilt. They had rebuilt each building just the way it had been before the attack, and since my parents had left, the bar automatically passed to me. Unfortunately all the booze had been obliterated.

Living alone was weird. I had always been surrounded by people before. I spent all of my spare time with people. When I went to work, I was surrounded by people. I wanted to also go home to people. Of course my first instinct was to ask Kiba to move in. However, ninjas, especially ninjas from big clans, were pretty traditional about these things. They didn't move from their clan. Kids stayed with their parents until they married or they were of drinking age. I did want to marry Kiba, eventually. At that time I'd move in with him to a house in the Inuzuka's district. I wasn't ready for that, and with all of the madness going on in the shinobi world, normal things like marriage weren't on the radar for us anyways.

I asked Sakura to move in with me. Her family was pretty traditional, but they weren't one of the huge ninja clans. Had it been any other time, she would have declined on account of her dream of marrying Sasuke, but since that dream was dying fast, she was super excited about the idea. I was a little worried that we'd get on each other's nerves. She was a traditional girly-girl; I was, well, me. We worked as friends because we balanced each other. As roommates, I wasn't entirely sure. So far, though, it was going well. She kept things nice and clean and cute; I kept the kitchen stocked and running.

"This is so crazy," she said one day.

"What's crazy?" I asked.

"This place is where it all started," she said.

I smiled. "You ran up here with tears in your eyes."

"I did that a lot," she said, blushing.

"And look? You get to keep on doing it. Check this out," I said, walking back into my room. I brought back a kitty tissue box.

"Awwww!" she melted. "The smacking box!"

"I smacked a lot of boys with this thing, didn't I?"

"Man, you were the coolest girl I'd ever met. And you still are."

"Thank you," I said.

"Genjutsu training going well?" she asked.

"Oh yeah," I said. "I can do light genjutsu now. On purpose."

"That's awesome," she said. "So are you...a ninja, or…?"

"Not really," I said. "I can't whoosh. I'm an anomaly. Just an odd person hanging out in Konoha."

"What if," said Sakura, "you had found out sooner, you know?"

"Right?" I asked. "My dad was half Uchiha. HALF. He could have been a legit ninja; definitely could have done ninjutsu. But since he wasn't in a ninja family, he never learned anything, so they never knew. Basically, if I hadn't met you, I'd be a nonchak out in some other village somewhere."

"That's so weird," she said. "You're like, the last of the Uchiha. You and Sasuke."

"Yeah," I said. "Tsunade's really big on keeping me safe. She was stoked to hear you were moving in with me."

"What are you going to do with the bar?" asked Sakura. "Are you going to…?"

"Stock that thing?" I asked. "You really think that'd be a good idea?"

"No," she said. "I was hoping you weren't planning on doing that."

"I'm not," I said. "I'm not going to stop being a physical therapist, and I'm definitely not buying a bunch of booze and putting it underneath me, because we all know where that would end. I did have an idea though."

"What?"

"Picture this," I said, stretching out my arms and hands in front of me, "squad house."

"Ummm…," she said, "you want Naruto to live with us?"

"Not _with_ us. _Under_ us. We'd rent it out to him for cheap."

"Uh-huh…." She was not convinced. I guess there were a lot of ways this could go wrong, but I felt like it was the right thing to do.

"Come on," I said. "He's lived in the same stinky motel room since he was way too young be living on his own."

"Yeah," she said. "Alright, we'll try it. If he's too annoying, he's out."

"Agreed," I said.

* * *

"SQUAD HOUSE! SQUAD HOUSE! SQUAD HOUSE! SQUAD HOUSE!" Naruto and I chanted as we moved his stuff in.

"Oh dear," said Sakura. "I was worried about Naruto being annoying. I guess I should have been worried about Naruto and Saki being annoying _together_."

"Does she use genjutsu on you all the time too?" asked Kiba.

"Oh, no," said Sakura. "Never, actually."

"Saki, what the hell?" Kiba exclaimed.

"Kiba, you are crazy easy to gen," I laughed. "I can't ever get Sakura."

"What, you've tried? What the hell?" Sakura said.

Kakashi knocked on the door. "So, this is Squad House, huh?"

"Look!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing at the bar shelves. "I can fit so many cups of ramen here!"

"Awesome," he said, laughing. "Naruto, Saki, you're wanted at the capitol."

"Sure thing!" said Sakura. "Let's just get his bed moved in."

"No, not you," corrected Kakashi. "Saki."

"Me?" I asked.

"Saki?" everyone gasped.

"Kakashi Sensei, there must be some mistake," said Sakura.

"No mistake, Sakura. Naruto, Saki, you should be on your way now. I'll stay and help finish moving your stuff in."

* * *

"This is a trap," I said.

"What do you mean? I'm getting a special mission, and you're getting a _vacation_!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Riiiiight," I said. "Think about it. The jinchuuriki and the last of the Uchihas. This isn't a vacation. They're sending us away for some reason. I won't complain about a free trip, but still. Something is happening."

I got it out of Kiba that evening. He wasn't supposed to tell me, but I got so close to guessing it that he finally just spilled. There was going to be a war. A big one, with all five nations against the Akatsuki. And since the Akatsuki were looking for Naruto, they needed to send him somewhere, not just so that he couldn't be found, but so he wouldn't interfere and try to be the hero.

"And you're the last of the Uchiha," he said. "They've gotta save you." He wrapped his arms around me. "When Kakashi said there was going to be a war, I freaked out. But then he said you would be safe. That was the best news I could have gotten."

I felt tears welling up in my eyes. "I have to lie to Naruto, don't I?"

"Yes," he said. "You'll be fine. Just gen him if he asks too many questions."

"I can do that," I laughed. We started kissing, and I started taking my dress off, but he stopped me. "What's wrong?" I asked. "This is going to be our last night together for a really long time. Let's make it count."

"I am," he said, clutching my hands. "Okay, this isn't how I imagined doing this. But when Kakashi told us you were leaving tomorrow, and I'm going to war, I had no choice. Saki, I love you."

"I love you too," I said.

"And I'm going to fight for you. I'm going to fight for you for the rest of my life."

"Okay," I laughed. "Kiba, stop being weird." He reached under the pillow and pulled out a little box. "Kiba...what are you doing…?"

He slid off the bed and knelt at my feet. "Saki Kureji-Uchiha, will you marry me?" I was speechless. I'd thought about us getting married. I'd never thought it would be this soon. But then again, it wasn't really going to be soon, was it? There was actually a good chance it wouldn't happen at all. "Saki?" he said. Sweat was running down his face.

"Oh, shit," I said. "YES!"

He pulled me down to the floor. Akamaru barked and ran out of the room. That dog just knew when we were about to do it. It was a little creepy.

My ring didn't look like an engagement ring, since he didn't have time to get one. It was made of dog fur. I was okay with that, because I didn't really want a bunch of attention drawn to it. Especially by Naruto. We didn't need to get into why Kiba felt the need to propose to me before the "vacation."

Have you ever been afraid to fall asleep because you didn't want tomorrow to come? I didn't sleep, at all, that night. After Kiba drifted to sleep and I'd finished crying into his shoulder, I took a walk. It was about three A.M.

I wandered past the Harunos' and through the Naras' district. Past the hospital and the capitol building, past Ichiraku and the pier and the shinobi academy. There was a light on at Kakashi's house. Without thinking, I knocked on his door.

His hair was all over the place, and he wore only his mask, under armor and sweatpants. He had a kunai in his hand, probably assuming I was some weird door-knocking enemy. His eyes bugged out when he saw it was me. "Saki...what are you doing?"

I threw my arms around him and cried. "I know," I sobbed.

He sighed and put his kunai-free arm around me. "Come in." Kakashi's house was exactly what you'd imagine a ninja house to look like. Katanas on every wall, tapestries depicting battles. He gave me a blanket, some tea, and sat me in a chair. "Who told you?"

"Kiba," I said.

He nodded. "Saki, if you came to convince me to let you stay-"

"No," I said. "I didn't." I didn't entirely realize that was the case until he'd raised the question. "I just couldn't sleep."

"I understand why Kiba told you. Although he has undoubtedly made your role into a burden."

"I understand that," I said. "I can do this."

"I know you can," said Kakashi. "You're a remarkable young woman."

"Oh, Kakashi," I said with a grin, "we mustn't talk like this. I'm an engaged woman now."

"Is that so? Well, let me be the first to congratulate you."

"Thanks," I said, staring at my fur ring. "I've always wondered why the hell you ever put up with me."

He laughed. "You made my students happy. You made them laugh when they might have otherwise been at each others' throats. Now why would I want someone like that to go away?"

"Because I'm a little shit," I said, tears falling out of my eyes again. I was going to be dehydrated by the end of the night.

"That may be true," Kakashi conceded, "but you're…good shit." I chuckled. Then he said, "Your shit don't stink, Saki."

I doubled over laughing. "Can I get that in writing?"

"Gladly," he said.

I couldn't tell if my tears were more from laughter or crying. "Thank you, Kakashi. For everything. Literally everything. You took this obnoxious little nonchak girl and made a...whatever I am...out of her."

"You know, being a shinobi means many things. If we're talking about physical strength and flashy jutsu, you fail every test. But you've got the thing that matters most, the heart."

"Ohhh, Kakashi. That was so cheesy," I sobbed. "Don't make that be my last memory of you."

"Uhhh," he said. "How about this?" He pulled down his mask. There were no battle scars, no puss wounds, and there were even teeth.

"What the hell?" I asked.

"I guess I kinda like to mess with people too?"

"Well, you little shit!" I exclaimed. "Damn, Kakashi. Permission to say one inappropriate thing?"

"Saki, you're an engaged woman."

"Fair," I said. "Huh. I feel like, empty now. Like, we can just end this whole thing now, right? Show's over. Everything that comes after this is just filler."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not. If I died tomorrow, I would be completely at peace. War shmar."

"Well, happy I could help, I guess."

"Thanks, again. You helped a lot, again. You're a saint. A god among shinobi."

"Oh, stop," he said, pulling me into a hug.

"A beautiful, chiseled, sexy ninja god…."

"Aaaaaaaand you're leaving," he said, pushing me towards the door.

I took my farewell tour to Tenten's next. I kept throwing my kunai around her window until she woke up. "Saki? What the hell?"

"I couldn't sleep," I said.

"Okay? Neither can I if you keep throwing kunai at my house!"

Then it dawned on me: Tenten didn't know yet. Kakashi had only told Kiba and Sakura because they had been around when he came to get me and Naruto. Oh shit, this was going to be hard.

"Sorry," I said. "But look how good my aim is! I didn't crack your window at all!"

"Yeah, thanks," she said. "Saki, you didn't come here just to show off, I hope?"

"Uhhh…," I said, "no, I came to say thank you."

"At 3:30 a.m.?"

"Yes," I said. "I'm going on a vacation tomorrow."

"Oh," she said. "Where?"

"To the Land of Lightning. I'm going with Naruto. He needs a physical therapist since he injured his foot." That was a passable lie.

"Oh, I didn't know he injured his foot," she said.

"Yep," I said. "So anyways, I wanted to thank you for turning me into something resembling a badass. And tell you that you are a badass and not to let those boys run circles around you."

"Okay, Saki," she laughed. "Can I go back to sleep now?"

"No, I'm not done," I said. "Thanks for putting up with me. Like when I do stuff like this. I know it's not your thing. You're a no-nonsense person, and yet you're still friends this nonsense. And thanks for just...fucking listening to me, when I needed to vent."

"Uh-huh," she said. "You're not nonsense, Saki. I like listening to you rant. Sometimes you make more sense than anyone else around here."

"Thanks, girl," I said.

"So can I go back to sleep now?" she asked.

"Sure thing," I said. "Thanks!"

"Uh-huh," she said, closing the window.

* * *

I had to climb a tree to get to Lee's window. I felt like a stray cat. "Lee. Lee! LEE! LEEEEEEEE!" I meowed.

"Saki Kureji, what is wrong with you?"

Ohmygosh, just seeing his face got me choked up. This was also the first time I was seeing him out of his ridiculous green body suit. He was in his boxers, which were green, but still.

"I'm going on a vacation tomorrow. I'm saying goodbye," I said.

"At 3:45 a.m.?"

"When else?" I laughed.

"Oh! Well, I suppose I should give you this," he said, leaving the window for a moment. He returned with a bottle of cherry wine.

"Oh shit," I said. First of all, I had completely forgotten he owed me booze. I really hope he didn't think I woke him up at 3:45 for that. "Where'd you get this? This is nice!"

"I took it from Guy Sensei."

"You stole from Guy? For me?!"

"Of course, Saki. We made a bet."

"Rock Lee, I have been a terrible influence on you, and I am deeply sorry. I can't take this. It's dirty wine. This bottle is your innocence, and that is a beautiful thing that I don't want to ever go away."

"Saki, are you drunk right now?"

That was a believable lie. I decided to roll with it. "Maybe."

"Saki, I think you have a problem."

"I'm aware of this," I said, tears spilling out of my eyes.

"Come inside, Saki. You need to sober up."

I was not confident in my ability to get through this goodbye without cracking. Lee changed into his clothes and helped me through the window. His room was shockingly normal. I was honestly expecting to fall into the Guy Sensei shrine room. He gave me a blanket and a stuffed bunny rabbit.

"Rock fuckin' Lee," I said.

"Saki Kureji," he said.

"I might be a little tipsy right now, but what I'm about to say is the absolute truth."

"Okay," said Lee. "What is it?"

"You're my favorite."

His already wide eyes widened more. "No, Saki, that can't be true."

"It totally is though," I said. "You're fucking amazing."

"But Sakura-"

"-is my best friend. She's my gossip buddy, my roommate, my person I can tell anything and everything to, but that doesn't make her my _favorite._ "

"It kinda does though," said Lee. "And Kiba-"

"-is my fiance," I said. "He's my life partner, and I'm madly in love with him, but he's never been my _favorite_."

"Then something is wrong! Have much did you drink?"

"I don't think you're grasping what I mean when I say _favorite._ I have a best friend, I have a fiance, I have a Naru-bro, I have a kunai buddy, and I have a man crush, and I love all of these things, but you're...my favorite. I don't know how else to describe it, Lee, but I know it's true. You're my favorite."

"Your favorite what?"

"Just...favorite."

"Umm...okay," he said in acceptance. "Thank you Saki, I do not know what that means, but it means a lot. By the way, congratulations on your engagement!"

"Thanks," I said.

"Please take the wine as my engagement present!"

It was tempting. "No," I said. "I want you to keep it. Use it on some Akatsuki asshole in my name. That's my engagement present."

He smiled. "Okay, Saki."

"Dude, when I first met you, I thought you were the biggest hot mess ever."

"You smacked me with a tissue box."

"Funny how many of my friendships started with that tissue box," I said. "So, then I remember going to Sakura's graduation and you were there. I was hella impressed."

"Saki, you are going to make me blush."

"And then when you became a Chunin! That thing you did! I fucking flipped shit!"

"I could hear you yelling from the stands," he said.

"You could probably destroy anybody you wanted," I said, "and yet, you're more humble than I am. All I do is make people trip balls."

"Saki, you are awesome! I cannot do even the slightest bit of genjutsu."

"And I can't do five push-ups. You're the strongest person in this entire village, and you're also the sweetest. It's mind blowing."

Tears started falling out of his eyes. "Thank you, Saki. You are also my favorite."

We hugged and cried together. Another amazing thing about Lee: you can cry with him and he doesn't question it.

I crawled back into bed with Kiba around 4:30. He opened his eyes, smiled, and rolled back over. I don't think he realized I had actually been gone.

When morning came, I tried to treat it just like any other morning. I kissed him goodbye, hugged Akamaru, and walked home. Naruto was already packing, or actually, Sakura was packing for him while he slept. She looked at me, and there were tears in her eyes. We didn't need to talk. She knew I knew. We hugged until Naruto woke up.

"Did something happen?" he asked. "Why are you crying?"

"We're just going to miss each other so much!" I lied.

Naruto made a gaggy face. "Girls…," he groaned.

"I want to make breakfast. Come upstairs," I said.

"I'm sorry, I was going to make breakfast…," said Sakura.

"No, it's fine, I want to," I said. "Besides, let's be real."

"I can cook!"

I laughed. "Okay..."

Sakura surrendered to reason and let me make the pancakes. Afterwards, I showed her my engagement ring. There was no way I could leave without telling Sakura I was engaged. She couldn't contain the squeal. After we'd girled out, though, she got sad again.

"So that means, you'll be moving out soon," she said.

"Well, _soon_ is a relative term here. We'll have a long engagement. I want to enjoy my last days as a bachelorette in squad house. After this war, we're gonna rage."


	15. Jinchuuriki Swag

"Naru-bro! Take a good hard look at this motherfucking boat!"

"SAKI!" Yamato cried. "Please! We're representing the Hidden Leaf. Please, no profanity."

"Pfft, alright, Yamato, I'll behave," I said. Yamato didn't like me much. It really sucked Kakashi couldn't come instead. Guy Sensei was with us, but he got seasick, so he stayed in his cabin. I had brought some medicine with me, but apparently it only worked if you took it before you got on the boat. Oops.

Naruto was staring at the water. "What's up, Naru-bro?"

He grimaced. "I was thinking about what you said yesterday. You're right. There is something funny about this…."

My first test in my most important mission ever. Distract Naruto, have a good fucking time. Piece of cake. This is what I was born to do. I put my arm around him. "Nah, bro. You've been doing a lot of world-saving lately. You deserve a vacation."

"But there's so much unfinished business-"

I shook him by the shoulders. "NARUTO UZUMAKI! THE HIDDEN LEAF VILLAGE HAS DECREED THAT YOU WILL HAVE A GOOD FUCKING TIME! DOES NARUTO UZUMAKI FAIL HIS MISSIONS?!"

"NO MA'AM!"

"THEN HAVE A GOOD FUCKING-" Yamato was glaring at me. "-DUCKING TIME!"

"YES MA'AM!"

"WHERE ARE WE?"

"WE'RE ON A BOAT!"

"CLAM STRAIGHT WE'RE ON A BOAT! GET YOUR SWIM TRUNKS AND YOUR FLIPPY-FLOPPIES!"

"Hey, Saki, do you think we'll meet an octopus? The Toad Lord said there was a prophecy about me and an octopus," said Naruto. He was dead serious. I had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. Oh, good lord, he was making this too easy.

"Oh no," I said.

"What do you mean?"

"You figured it out. That's the real reason we're going."

"SERIOUSLY?"

"Yeah. We heard that prophecy too! Tsunade and Kakashi were like, take Naruto to meet all the octopi ever, because Naruto + Octopus equals more miracles. Obviously."

"I KNEW IT! HAHA, YAMATO! YOU'RE TAKING ME TO THE OCTOPUS!"

"Umm, what?" said Yamato. I wiggled my fingers and grinned at him, and he rolled his eyes and went to hide in his cabin.

* * *

Naruto was busy looking for octopi in the water while I read a book. I should have brought that _Gutsy Shinobi_ book instead of a romance novel. Even though all of these sex scenes were utterly ridiculous, it still made me miss Kiba. I was missing Kiba all over when Naruto excitedly started shaking me.

"Saki! Saki! Saki! I found an octopus!" he exclaimed.

"Cool, bro," I said, my eyes never leaving the page. "You meet that octopus."

"It looks like a big one!"

"Awesome!" I said. "So what now?"

"I dunno. I guess I talk to it?"

"Can you do that?"

"I dunno!"

"I mean, you've talked to toads, right? How different could it be?"

"Yeah!" He peered into the water again. "HEY! OCTOPUS! IT'S ME, NARUTO!" This was by far the strangest display of arrogance I'd ever seen. I buried my face in the book so that he wouldn't see me laughing. Then he said, "Saki! It's coming out of the water!"

"Good job, bro!" I said.

Then, a giant tentacle smacked the book out of my head and covered my face. I heard everyone scream and felt the boat start to get tugged along with the tentacle. I turned on my sharingan, but all that did was let me see the octopus skin clearer. Fucking useless sharingan. Why you no shoot lasers out of my eyes?

I fumbled for my kunai and stabbed the tentacle. The tentacle jerked back into the ocean, taking my kunai with it. Motherfuck.

Yamato and Naruto were yelling at each other about what the difference between an octopus and a squid was. I looked up at the monster. Naruto wasn't lying, it was definitely a big one. Also, having been top of my class at biology in school, something Naruto knew nothing about, I was quite certain this was a squid. Not that I cared what the hell it was, as long as it didn't eat me.

The squid picked up Naruto, who was still apparently thinking the squid/octopus was magic or some shit. I thought, how stupid would it be if after everything, Naruto died because he got eaten by a giant squid he thought was magic?

Then, another giant sea creature appeared out of nowhere and sucker punched the squid. The thing had tentacles, but its body was like a ripped anthropomorphic ox. That's something I didn't learn about in biology class. The creature started to curl back in on itself until it had transformed into a person, a buff man with dark skin and blonde hair. The Cloud Ninja called him "Lord Killer Bee."

Bee stared at a book and greeted us in rhyme, and my trip got way more interesting fast.

* * *

Paradise Island was bullshit. Literally everything on the island wanted to kill us, even the rocks and trees. Killer Bee was the only person who could stop things from killing us, so that was good. The accommodations also didn't suck, although it was shaped like the anthropomorphic oxtopus, which was creepy to say the least. It was definitely a good hiding place, because I sure wouldn't want to come to this place voluntarily.

Naruto came to my room after I had finished unpacking. I'd stolen a fur blanket from Kiba. I spread it across the bed and buried my face in it.

"Saki! Saki! Saki!" Naruto exclaimed.

I guess Naruto always operated on high energy, but when I was feeling so down, it made the contrast even more jarring. I put on a happy face for him, because that was my job. "What's up, Naru-bro?"

"That Killer Bee guy? He's a jinchuuriki, like me!"

"Yeah, I heard" I said. So the Hidden Leaf wasn't the only place that was protecting its peeps. "That was Eight-Tails, then?"

"Yeah!" he said. "I asked him to train me, but he said he was on vacation, and wouldn't do it."

"What the duck?" I said.

"Duck?" asked Naruto.

"Oh, yeah, Yamato doesn't want me cussing. So I say duck now."

"Oh, haha," he said, getting it. "Yeah, I even tried asking him in rhyme, and he just bumped fists with me and went in his room."

"Oh, well, that was your mistake. You can't rap, bruh."

"Can too!"

"Then rap something for me." I crossed my arms and glared at him.

"Uhhh…," he said, turning red. "Alright. Ahem…

 _My name is Naruto_

 _And you should know_

 _That I like to go…_

 _Eat ramen, YO!"_

"PFFFFT!" I started laughing so hard my sides hurt.

"That wasn't that bad!" Naruto shouted. "I bet you can't do better."

Challenge accepted. I cleared my throat.

" _S-A-K-I_

 _Nonchak honey with the sharingan eyes_

 _And all the ninjas love me cuz I'm so fly_

 _Boys be linin' up to taste my pie_

 _But I'm no player, oh no_

 _I'm just living my life_

 _And rollin' with the flow_

 _With Sakura, Kiba, Lee and Naruto_

 _My squad turns heads wherever we go_

 _Haters gonna hate us_

 _Because we never been fak-uhs_

 _We gonna rule this world_

 _We are the fighting dreamers_

 _So slap a Hidden Leaf on the victory streamers_

 _Players gonna play_

 _But Konoha gonna slay_

 _Akatsuki goin' down in flames_

 _Like the judgment day_

 _And I'll just be here_

 _Makin' my way_

 _With my life, my squad_

 _My village and my bae."_

Naruto's jaw had dropped. "YO!" I said, signalling I was done.

"Not fair!" he cried. "You did not just make that up!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too! It's not that hard. You just say whatever pops into your head and make it rhyme." I should probably point out right now that this was a lie. After I'd heard Killer Bee talking, I had been working on my own rhymes in my head the entire time. But Naruto was so gullible and fun to mess with.

"Okay, okay, let me try again:

 _N-A-R-U-T-O_

 _My name is Naruto_

 _And I'm a jinchuuriki_

 _And I like...ramen to eat_

 _...Because ramen is neat!_

 _But I don't like...feet."_

"Stop. For the love of god, stop," I said.

"I don't get it. How did you make it so good?"

"I dunno, I guess the first thing that pops into my head isn't always food."

"You talked about pie."

"Well, yeah, but that's not…hehe...oh, Naruto."

"Well, if Killer Bee can't teach me how to control my tailed beast, will you teach me how to rap?"

"Ha!" I said. "No, you really ought to focus on the tailed beast stuff. I can't believe he won't teach you. Like, what else does he have to do here?"

"I dunno. Writing rhymes? Hey, maybe you should ask him, since you're so good at it?"

I shrugged. "I have nothing else to do. What's the worse that can happen?"

"Please, Saki. Use genjutsu if you have to."

"Oh, yeah, because I'm sure that would go over well."

* * *

I knocked on Killer Bee's door.

"Yo! Who disturbs me so? Fool, ya fool?"

I didn't really take kindly to being called a fool, but I bit my tongue and put on a smile. "Hi, I'm Saki Kureji from the Hidden Leaf. I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself since we're going to be on this island together for who knows how long."

"I see. The knocker is friendly. Hello girl. I'm Lord Killer Bee." He extended his hand, and I shook it.

"Killer Bee, huh? If you don't mind me asking, how did you get a name like that? I'm assuming that your parents didn't just straight up name you 'Killer Bee.'"

"It's Bee, the Killer was added by me, see? Ya fool?"

"I see," I said. "You like to call people 'fools,' don't you?"

"That's because people are fools, ya fool."

"Truer words have never been spoken. So, here's the thing. My boy Naruto, he definitely comes across as a fool at first. When I met him, I thought he was the dumbest, brattiest kid I'd ever met. And I won't lie, he can be a real pain to work with. But his heart's solid gold. So all I'm asking is you don't judge him too harshly. He grows on you, almost without you even realizing it. He's learned all kinds of crazy jutsu even though he's a total dunce in school. He can even talk to toads. So you should give him a chance."

"I am giving him a chance, ya fool."

"Oh? Well, thanks. He was really nervous, you know, since you're the famous Lord Killer Bee."

Killer Bee smiled at that. I had found what made him tick. As with most guys, it was ego. "You're a good friend, Miss Saki. Having you around, Naruto is most lucky."

"Why thank you!" I beamed. Okay, so I wasn't immune to it either.

* * *

I went to see if I could help Guy Sensei, which reminded me of when I used to care of Lee in the hospital.

"Saki," he said, "go and have fun. This is a vacation."

"It's a habit," I said. "Besides, I know it's not a vacation."

"Nonsense," said Guy. "You're a youth on a beautiful island. Go be youthful."

"Knock it off, Guy," I said. "It's not that beautiful. And I know about the war."

He sighed. "You were ever a smart one, Saki Kureji."

"I mean, it's one thing to send Naruto away on a mission, but it made no sense me being here unless something huge was happening. So yeah, I figured it out. Kiba told me. The Fourth Great Ninja War." I felt the urge to start crying again. This sucked. "Is there anything I can get you? Work is a distraction for me."

He smiled. "I suspect I'll be fine after a good night's sleep, thank you. You should do the same."

"I'll get you some incense," I said.

"So, should I go break something tomorrow, so you still have something to do?" he joked.

"No!" I exclaimed. "You could fight Yamato though. That'd be fun to watch. And if someone got hurt, well, that's what I'm here for."

"No, you're here for protection," said Guy. "Remember that. Don't take the world on your shoulders. It's not your job to take care of everybody all the time."

"Thanks, Guy," I said. "I probably won't actually take your advice, but thanks."

I turned off the lights and let him sleep. Ugh, I needed a walk and talk with Sakura. Although, if I were still with Sakura, then I wouldn't have anything to walk and talk about. Ugh. My head hurt. I decided to light some incense in my room as well. I closed my eyes and started to drift to sleep.

"Sister…!" Sasuke was sitting at the edge of my bed. "Sister…!"

"I'm not your sister," I said.

"You are Uchiha. The blood of Madara flows through our veins. Come with me, sister. I can make you powerful. We will make the Uchiha great again."

I got out of bed. "The Uchiha were never great. You're all assholes. Every asshole thing that happens is because of an Uchiha."

He smirked. "You are just like me."

"I'm nothing like you."

"Do you hate me?"

"I do hate you."

"Tell me how much you hate me."

We were nose to nose. "You caused my friends a world of hurt, and you don't even care."

"Come on, you can do better than that."

"You should have died so many times."

"Is that so?"

"And I hate that each time you were supposed to die, you were spared, just to cause more pain."

"Did I do that?"

"Sakura and Naruto would have been better off without you. PEOPLE ARE DYING BECAUSE OF YOU!" I gripped his shoulders. "You're a fucking mistake. Your life is a mistake. The worst thing Itachi did...was let you live." I spat in his face.

A deep voice sent chills down my spine. "Granddaughter…!"

"Motherfucker…!" I said, spinning around. A guy in an orange mask and an Akatsuki robe was in the doorway. The doorway turned into a throne with the Uchiha crest on it, and Sasuke sat on his left hand. At his right, I saw myself, sharingan ablaze, in an Akatsuki robe.

"My children…" Madara hissed. "How wonderful it is to see so much hatred between you. Hatred is our greatest power."

"That's stupid," I said, staring at myself.

"You're lying to yourself," Akatsuki-me said. "Everything you do is in hate. Why is it that you haven't been able to forgive Sasuke when everyone else has?"

"Because it's fucking stupid!" I shouted. "I might never see my friends again because of you. And they're all I fucking have. I can't forgive that. I never will. I'll die first."

"Good," said Madara. "Hold onto your hate."

"Be who you were born to be," Ataksuki-me said.

"Hate us. Hatred makes you stronger," said Sasuke.

"Granddaughter," said Madara.

"Sister," said Sasuke.

"Sharingan sorceress," said Akatsuki-me.

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!" I yelled, lunging at my grandfather. I woke up with my hands around Naruto's throat.

My head hurt, and my heart was racing. I realized my sharingan was on, because I could see the Nine-Tails. I took a deep breath and relaxed my hands, letting them rest on his shoulders. He put an awkward arm around me. "Saki…" he whispered.

"I'm sorry," I said. "A nightmare. I had a nightmare."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked.

My instinct was to say, no, it's fine, and crack a joke. But how many times have he and Sakura come to me with their problems? Guy was right. I needed to let them take care of me sometimes. So I let Naruto come inside, and I curled up with my blanket.

"Do you ever think," I said, choosing my words carefully, "that something is wrong with the Uchihas?"

"What do you mean?" asked Naruto.

"Oh, come on," I said. "All throughout history...Uchihas have started shit. Look at all the recent shit. It was because of Uchihas. Madara...Itachi…." I wanted to say Sasuke, but I knew that would start another conversation I didn't want to have. "I guess I was thinking...maybe they're supposed to all be gone. Maybe it's...good for the world."

He gasped. "Saki!"

"Maybe this thing-" I pointed to my eyes. "-is a symptom of a greater disease. A disease I don't want. A disease that makes you hateful and evil and…should be eradicated." I started crying.

"Saki, you don't mean that!"

"I do! I believe it in my heart, and that scares the shit out of me." His eyes were wide with shock. "You're afraid of me."

"A little bit," he admitted. "I mean, I kinda always have been." This was NOT helping. My ninja friends listen to me because I've always had some weird Uchiha power aura? Great to know. "So are you telling me," he asked, "that you think you're going to turn evil because you're an Uchiha?"

"It's like…," I said, "if I could kill people. You know, if I was physically capable...I think I could do it. I think I'd like it."

"That's crazy," he said.

"That's my point," I said. "I'm crazy inside."

"No, I mean, that's crazy you think that. You're one of the nicest people I know. I mean...you're a _nurse_ , Saki. You devote your life to...un-killing people."

"I know, but-"

"If you're talking about killing the Akatsuki, well, _everyone_ wants that. That doesn't make you evil. I mean, I guess it's not right, but it's at least _normal_. I think everyone has good and bad inside them. Nobody is born good or evil. It's just...well, remember Gaara?"

"How could I forget?" I said. "I still have nightmares about him in the hospital. He was literally the scariest person ever."

"When I met him, and then I learned he was a jinchuuriki, it really affected me. I thought I could have been like that, you know? But then he changed."

"Yeah, about that, I definitely would have killed him before he changed."

Naruto laughed. "I know. But the funny thing is, I kinda like that about you."

"Huh?"

"Why would you have killed Gaara?"

"Because he almost killed Lee!" I exclaimed. "And he would have killed you, and Shikamaru, and…."

"You want to protect us. It's cute."

"But it's only cute because I can't actually do it. Would it still be cute...if I actually _could_ kill people?"

"It's really easy to think about killing people. When you're actually there, though, it's different, trust me. And if I know you, I know you'd hesitate. Maybe not as much as me. But you would. Look, Saki. As a jinchuuriki, everyone thought I had a disease too. I seriously thought something was wrong with me. But then I realized...it's not who you are, it's who you choose to be. I'm a jinchuuriki. You're an Uchiha. But these things don't define us, you know?"

"Holy fuck balls," I said. "When did you become profound?"

"I dunno," he said, blushing.

"It's the toads, isn't it?"

"Maybe," he laughed. "Wow, Saki. I didn't realize you were dealing with all that."

"I didn't either. Sometimes I just start talking, and I'm amazed by what comes out."

"Well, if you need to talk again, I'm always here for you. I know it feels being different from everyone else."

"Right, thanks," I said. "I mean, we're on an island, who else am I going to talk to, Yamato?"

"Yamato's not that bad," said Naruto.

"He's boring," I said. "And not hot."

Naruto had drifted away in thought. "Saki, I'm really glad we had this talk."

"Uhh, you're welcome?" I said.

"I think you might have just helped me with something. Come on, I'll show you."

"My psychotic breakdown helped you? Alright," I said. 'That's what I'm here for, I guess."

I followed Naruto, Yamato, Bee and his friend Motoi through the forest to a waterfall. They called it the "Waterfall of Truth." Apparently it's the first step in getting jinchuurikis' little monsters under control. Naruto said he had to "face his dark side." I didn't know Naruto had a dark side, so I was pretty curious to see this go down. Unfortunately, though, it all just took place in Naruto's head, so all we did was watch him sit and stare at a waterfall for about ten minutes.

Finally, he stood up, and everyone gasped like he was a baby who was standing for the first time. That's when Killer Bee announced that he would start training with Naruto on the other side of the waterfall.

"Can I come?" asked Yamato.

"Okay," said Killer Bee.

"Duck yeah! Let's go!" I exclaimed, running to catch up with Naruto.

"Wait, Saki-!" said Yamato. But his protests were irrelevant, because I was already going through the waterfall.

The other side of the waterfall was a shrine. Creepy headless statues lined the walls. Yamato made some boring remark about architecture, and Bee told us they weren't really statues; they were past jinchuuriki who had gotten their heads cut off in here.

Naruto and I instinctively reached for each other.

"If your heart is pure, then you've nothing to fear," said Bee. "Stick your head through here, and the door will open...or your throat." You knew shit was real when Bee didn't rhyme.

"This is too risky," said Yamato.

"Nah," I said, "he's got this."

"But what happens if…?" said Yamato.

"This place is designed to contain tailed beasts. If Naruto fails, then we retreat until a new host is found," answered Bee.

"I volunteer as tribute," I said, raising my hand.

"Saki, goodness sakes, this isn't a joke!" Yamato said angrily. I'm sure Yamato wanted nothing more than to stick my head in the statue and be rid of me.

"Stop," said Naruto. "I can do this." He put his head in the tiger statue's mouth and started screaming. Yamato and I sprang to his sides and pulled him out. I could see a tuft of yellow hair disappearing inside his jacket and bit my tongue.

Yamato turned green. "Oh god...what have we done…?"

"NARUTO!" I wailed. "HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD! HE'S DEAD!" When Yamato looked like he was going to faint, I nudged Naruto lightly in the stomach so he'd pop back out. We all cackled.

"I did the same thing!" Bee laughed, fist-bumping Naruto.

"Well played, sir," I said. "I salute you."

Yamato's face was still green. He scanned our smiling faces, undoubtedly wondering what he had done to deserve our company.

The inside of the training room was trippy as fuck. We stepped inside, and I knew I was stepping on ground, but it just looked like we were floating on tie-dye air. You couldn't see where the ground ended and the wall began.

When I had heard Naruto was going to tame the Nine-Tails, I was expecting some big, flashy training. But it all happened inside Naruto's head, so Yamato and I were just sitting there awkwardly.

"Saki, turn on your sharingan," Yamato said.

"Why?" I asked.

"So you can tell me if the Nine-Tails starts to overpower Naruto. The quicker we can act, the better."

"Okay," I said. "I still have that seal thing Kakashi gave me too."

"Good," said Yamato. When I turned on my sharingan, I could vaguely see the floor and the walls through the tie-dye. It actually made the room feel more trippy. "You're a good fox whisperer," Yamato said.

"Woah," I said, "did Yamato just compliment me? Maybe I _am_ high right now."

"Saki, please."

"Oh, come on, I can't say 'high'? You can't tell me this place doesn't look like an acid trip. This whole ducking island is an acid trip."

He cracked the tiniest of smiles. I was breaking him. "I've seen a lot in my lifetime, and yet there's always something else out there," he said.

I puffed an invisible joint. "Yeah, man."

"I hope you don't actually do that stuff," he said.

"Of course not!" I said defensively. "My vice is booze. And boys."

"And swearing," he said.

"Clam straight," I said. "Yamato, hearing you swear would just make my day."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because you don't, so it'd be unexpected," I said. "I guess I want to see you loosen up some. Don't take things so seriously. Ooh! Is there booze here? Do you drink? I want to see you drunk."

"That would hardly be appropriate."

"It's a vacation, Yamato. Have a good ducking time. That's our mission, right?" I cocked my head toward Killer Bee. "I bet he drinks."

"I bet he smokes stuff," said Yamato.

I grinned, scooting closer to Yamato. "Oh, for sure," I said. "Do you want to hear me rap?"

"No, I don't," he said. "I've had way too much rap."

"But I'm actually good," I said.

He chuckled. "Okay, fine."

I cleared my throat.

" _Kureji-Uchiha-Inuzuka_

 _Rollin' with the Nine-tails_

 _My crew will school ya_

 _Even the Kazekage knows my name_

 _We been ridin' in that fast lane_

 _Girl, you think you got game?_

 _Haters cry, "Shinobi Slut!"_

 _But I will never be ashamed_

 _And I think even Kakashi want it_

 _You know it's not my fault that I'm so stunnin'_

 _Grandma calls me "princess,"_

 _Sensei calls me "sorceress,"_

 _Kiba calls me his_

 _And that's the name I love best_

 _Kureji-Uchiha-Inuzuka_

 _Breakin' hearts from Konoha to Suna_

 _I'll be many things, but never a loser_

 _I'm here to stay, bitches, so you better get used-ta!"_

Yamato's face was exactly the same as Naruto's when I had rapped for him. "You jelly?" I asked.

"That was…," he stammered. "That was something."

"YO!" exclaimed Killer Bee. "That was DOPE, weird tag-a-long girl! Where'd you learn to spit rhymes like so?"

"Ohh, I dunno. I didn't have anything else to do so I just started experimenting," I said.

"You're a natural talent! And when you've got it, you gotta flaunt it," said Bee, holding out his fist for a bump.

"No diggity," I said, returning it.

"Oh, no need to worry about that. Our Saki's all about flaunting it," said Yamato. "So, what's going on with Naruto?"

"Naruto is confronting the Nine-Tails," said Bee. "He's gotta get the chakra under control, or else he'll fail. It could take a few minutes, it could take a few hours, so we'll just have to wait here until he reveals his powers."

"Ohhhhh snap," I said. "You gotta teach me how to talk like that."

"No, please, no," said Yamato, putting his head in his hand.

"What's eatin' him?" Bee asked me.

"Life," I said. "He's a fun-sucking party-pooper."

"Saki," said Yamato, "are you watching Naruto?"

"Yes, sir," I said, rolling my eyes. I turned on my sharingan and stared at Naruto.

"Woah," said Bee, "you have a sharingan, yo."

"Yep," I said. "I'm the last of the Uchiha. Well, not the last, but the last who's not on an international hit list."

"Word," said Bee. "How'd you survive the purge?"

"Oh, nobody knew I existed," I said. "I didn't even know I was one. You see, my grandma was a prostitute, and so she banged a lot of guys."

"Saki, focus," Yamato scolded.

"Motherduck, Yamato," I said. "Naruto's fine. Look, he's in toad mode. Ain't nothing bad gonna happen to him in toad mode. Chill out."

"Saki's right, ya fool," said Bee. "We're just getting to know each other, one rapper to another."

"You feel like a big brother!" I exclaimed.

"Yea-ah!" Bee cried, raising the roof with his hands. "Saki-girl, we should collaborate."

"We've got time now, let's rhyme while we wait," I said.

Yamato groaned.

"Haters gonna hate," said Bee.

* * *

" _Naruto got jinchuuriki swag_

 _The Akatsuki was like, 'I want that,'_

 _But Tsunade was like, 'That's too bad,'_

 _You can't lay a hand on Minato's lad_

 _Saki got quarter-chak swag_

 _Got these eyes from my evil granddad_

 _Might not be a ninja, but that ain't a crime_

 _You know I'm an Uchiha, I spit fire when I rhyme_

 _Killer Bee got all the swag_

 _So much swag he don't gotta brag_

 _All the haters can't handle that_

 _He got Eight-Tails, though, so he can't be sad_

 _Yamato got NO SWAG-"_

"Yo!" interrupted Bee. "It's Naruto."

Naruto's eyes were open. He looked very peaceful. Yamato had fallen asleep, so I slapped him across the face to wake him up. He was about to yell at me when he saw Naruto and Bee fist bumping.

Bee and Naruto were communicating telepathically. Then, Naruto started to glow. Yamato and I freaked a little because it looked like Naruto was on fire. He also had weird doodles on his body.

"Woah," I said. "Bruh, you look like Shinobi Jesus."

"This is my Nine-Tails state," he said.

"Does it hurt?" I asked, getting closer to him.

"No," he said. "The opposite actually."

"I feel really relaxed," said Yamato. "All my stress is gone."

It was a weird thing to say, but then I realized I felt it too. Naruto was emanating good vibes like a happy lamp. "Can I…?" I asked, reaching out my hand.

He smiled. "Sure."

I hugged him. My whole body felt warm and calm. I had to let go, or I would have fallen asleep on him.

Then, something terrifying happened. Naruto glared in Bee's direction. "Did you really think you could hide from me?" he said.

We all looked at Bee, and Bee looked behind him. There wasn't anyone there.

"Bruh, you're trippin'," I said. "Time to come down off that Nine-Tails acid."

But he wasn't trippin'. A horrifying shark-person face appeared from out of the sword Bee carried on his back. "Curse you," said Sharkface.

I reached for Naruto, and he pushed me behind him. "What the duck is that?" I whispered.

"He's an Akatsuki," Naruto answered.

"Why does Bee have an Akatsuki on his back?" I asked.

"I thought I took care of you!" Bee exclaimed.

"You took care of my clone," said Sharkface, "and I hid in Samehada. I had planned on just taking you, Bee, so imagine my surprise when the Nine-Tails was also delivered to me. I know I cannot take you both, but the Akatsuki will be coming for you."

I reached for my kunai and remembered it was lodged in a giant squid tentacle. Yamato moved closer to Naruto, completely shielding me. Sharkface slithered out of Bee's sword and made for the exit. The shinobi all moved to attack him, and the next thing I knew, Naruto had been thrown against the wall looking like a normal human being again. Bee had followed Sharkface, leaving the three of us in the trippy tie-dye room. Yamato was checking Naruto's wounds.

"I got that," I said. "Go get that guy."

"No," he said. "I need to protect you both. Here." He gave me his first aid kit from his vest. I'd seen worse wounds on Naruto before, but he wouldn't be able to fight immediately.

"Right," I said. "Thanks." Yamato started using chakra healing. It made me miss Sakura. "I'm so confused right now," I confessed.

"That's Kisame," said Yamato. "He's from the Hidden Mist. His blade, Samehada, eats chakra. Apparently he had tried to capture Bee before, and Bee thought he won and took Samehada. But Kisame was inside Samehada the whole time."

"So now the Akatsuki know where we are," I clarified.

He sighed. "Yes."

My heart started pounding out my chest. "What's going to happen?"

"I don't know," Yamato said. He put a reassuring hand on my shoulder, the same way Kakashi used to.

A wave of guilt rolled over me. I realized that even if he didn't like me, he would die for me. "I'm sorry I said you had no swag," I said. "And called you a party pooper and a fun-sucker and basically went out of my way to make you miserable. You have swag. It's a quiet swag. We need a quiet swag."

"Well, I don't pretend to know what swag is," he said. "But thanks."

When Naruto could walk again, we left the Jinchuuriki Temple. Killer Bee, Motoi and another Leaf guy named Aoba were watching a swirling ball of wind in the distance.

"What the duck is that?" I asked.

"Guy is fighting Kisame," said Motoi.

"Looks like he opened some of his chakra gates," said Yamato.

"That's Guy?" I asked. "Bad-grass!"

"Saki, we should get you back to the resort," Yamato said.

"Awww man," I whined. "But I wanna see Guy beat that Akatsuki grass."

Naruto giggled. "Let her stay. She's safe with all of us."

"I got two jinchuuriki and a Yamato," I said. "And these other guys. I feel shella safe."

Guy beat that Akatsuki grass good. He dragged Kisame's unconscious body back to us, and Yamato made a sweet wood prison for him.

"This is exciting," I whispered to Naruto. "I'm actually here. I'm not gonna just hear about it later."

Aoba put his hand on Kisame's forehead and evidently was probing his mind for intel. I wondered if Kurenai could teach me to do that. That was one sweet ability. Aoba looked pretty surprised by what he was seeing, and suddenly, Kisame bit his own tongue off. Blood splattered everyone. I gagged.

Then, Kisame flexed and the wood prison busted open. "Oh zit. Oh zit oh zit oh zit oh zit oh zit," I said, grabbing Naruto's shoulders and hiding behind him.

"Saki, GO!" Yamato ordered.

"Go where?!"

"Anywhere besides here!" He pulled me off Naruto and pushed me into the bushes. I started running, but then my curiosity got the better of me. When else was I going to get the opportunity to see a real shinobi battle? So I climbed a tree and watched. I was close enough to hear what was happening, but it would take a keen eye to see me. Granted, they were ninjas, and I was probably going to be seen and get in some huge trouble. But I'd worry about that later.

Kisame was floating in a giant water orb. He curled up in a ball, and then, the orb turned red. After a couple minutes, the orb collapsed, and blood was all over everything. The shinobi all gasped. I understood what had happened before I heard them say it. Kisame had killed himself in order to avoid revealing intel to us. As much as I hated the Akatsuki, I had to give him props for that. Kisame was metal as fuck.

Killer Bee reclaimed that possessed sentient sword. After all of that, I don't get why he'd trust that sword again, but it _was_ pretty cool. Guy Sensei was holding a scroll. Then, I felt something furry brush against my face. I jerked away instinctively, and I lost my balance. As I started tumbling out of the tree, a big ass squirrel waved at me. Fucking squirrel.

"SAKI KUREJI-UCHIHA!" Yamato shouted. "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?"

I pulled myself up and out of the bushes "I was safe! I was in a tree! You just told me to go away! You didn't say how far!"

"Ooookay," he said, clearly suppressing anger. "We'll talk about this later. Go ahead, Guy, open the scroll."

"Roger," said Guy, and then I was attacked by water. Everyone got suspended in a floating orb like the one Kisame had been in.

"A booby trap!" said one shinobi.

"The water-prison jutsu!" said another.

I was holding my breath, but then I realized I could still breathe. "What do we do?" I asked. I turned on my sharingan, hoping it would magically reveal some kind of way out. Instead, I saw a shark. "Guys!...GUYS!" I shouted. They all had sharks in their orbs as well. I was on my own. The shark swam around me then bit me on the leg. I screamed and shook, but it didn't help. Fucking useless sharingan, why you no shoot lasers out of my eyes?! The shark was pulling at my leg, and it was either do something or probably lose my leg, so I took the Nine-Tails seal and stuck it on the shark's head hoping the magic in the paper would smite the shark or something. It didn't hurt the shark, but the shark did let go of my leg and crossed its eyes, trying to see what I had stuck on it. It shook its head around, trying to shake off the seal. Stupid ass shark. I giggled.

Well, if the shark was that dumb, I guessed it was probably very susceptible to genjutsu. All I had to do was get the shark to look me directly in the eye, which I couldn't do while it was trying to get the seal off. So, I would have to rip the seal off its forehead and cast the jutsu in a really short amount of time. I would probably only get one shot. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and thought of Kiba. Nope, this was definitely not how Saki Kureji-Uchiha-Inuzuka goes down. I reached forward to grab the seal. The shark looked at me, and I imagined I was staring at a fluffy puppy. The shark came forward, and I jerked backwards, bracing myself for a very painful death, but what I got was a slimy shark tongue to the face.

Naruto busted my orb and started pummeling the shark, which, of course, also broke the genjutsu. "Ugh, you jerk!" I cried. "I had that!"

"He was eating you!" Naruto exclaimed, continuing to kick the shark when it was down.

"No, he thought he was a puppy, you moron! I genned it!"

Yamato was at my side. "Saki, are you okay?!"

"I'm fine!" I said, wringing water out of my hair. "Sheesh."

"Your leg is bleeding," he said.

"That's nothing," I said, but now that he mentioned it, it was pretty painful. He started to wrap it and apply medical ninjutsu.

"You were lucky," Yamato said. " _Now_ do you understand?"

"That I can hold my own in a ninja battle? Yes, sir," I said.

"No!" he snapped.

"Oh, so you were hoping I'd be mortally wounded and be all, golly, I really wish I'd not been a smart-grass and taken Yamato's advice earlier, but now I'm going to die, so I learned my lesson too late."

"NO!" he cried, "I just...ughhhh!"

"I love you too, Yamato."

* * *

Just when you think you've seen everything, and Naruto can't get any dumber, something new happens.

So, Tsunade sent us a message, or maybe she didn't and they just pretended she did, giving Naruto a "special S-rank mission" on the island to take a "biological survey" of all the whacked out wildlife on the island. Not only did he buy it, he was crazy excited to do it. Which made me think, damn, you can put the words "S-rank" in front of anything, and Naruto will do it. That could prove useful around Squad House. S-Rank Laundry Mission? S-Rank Dusting Mission? S-Rank Foot Massages for Saki and Sakura?

"Yamato, this is painful," I said.

"Shhhh…," he cautioned. "Don't blow it."

"Oh, don't worry, I got this," I said. "Naruto! I'm here to help you!"

"Huh? Saki? This is a _ninja_ mission," said Naruto.

"Bro, I got straight A's in biology," I said.

"You studied biology in school?" he asked.

"Ummmm...yeah? What did you think I did in school?"

"Honestly, I didn't think you went to school," he said.

"So I just sat at home twiddling my thumbs while you were throwing shuriken and inventing sexy jutsu. Riiiight. You wouldn't have survived a _day_ in my school."

"I mean, how hard is biology? It's just naming animals, right?"

"Well, personally," I said. "I'm very interested about the evolution of the animals on this island. The biodiversity is staggering, of creatures who usually don't cohabitate, yet it seems to be a stable ecosystem. Don't you agree?"

"What is ecosystem?"

"Exactly. Now hush up and bring me some animals so I can start organizing them by species, genus, family, order, class and phylum."

"What…?"

"Just ducking go! Useless ducking ninja."

* * *

What a hot mess. We had corralled all of the animals into the jinchuuriki temple. Naruto was all worked up over the gender of some skanky armadillo when the whole island flipped upside down. Yamato's a beast though. He made a forest pop up under us so we didn't crash into the stone roof.

"Ummm, I know I'm a foreigner here, but is that supposed to happen?" I asked.

The looks on their faces said no. Yamato, Aoba and Motoi went to check it out. Guy passed out, so I stuck by him while Naruto dealt with whore-adilo. I did not have a good feeling about this. After Naruto had determined that whore-adillo was a man whore-adillo, Motoi and Aoba came back. My stomach flipped, and not just because the island had flipped back over again.

"Where's Yamato?" Naruto asked. "I'm done with my mission. We can go home now."

Oh, Naruto. After all you've been through, how are you still so fucking naive? Killer Bee distracted Naruto with the promise of more jinchuuriki training, and they started working on some rock stacking thing. I, however, couldn't deal. Motoi and Aoba left the temple, and I followed them.

"They found us," I said. The two men who were basically strangers to me turned and stammered. "The Akatsuki. They found us. That's what happened just now." They sighed and nodded. I gulped. "And Yamato?"

They exchanged looks, and Motoi decided it was okay to tell me. "He's been captured."

"Fuck," I whispered. Screw politeness. With Yamato gone it didn't matter anymore. I realized I was shaking. "You guys are going to war, aren't you?"

"Hm?"

"Don't fucking patronize me! I'm not as stupid as Naruto!" I snapped. "You're going to leave this island and go join the fight against the Akatsuki. Am I right or am I right?" Aoba nodded. I fell to my knees "Take me with you."

"What?!" they said together.

"Not to fight. I just...I have a fiance. And a best friend, and a bunch of other people I care about out there. Please. The fighting hasn't started yet. I just want to be with them." I started crying. I hated how much I had been crying recently, especially to people who were total strangers. "Look, I'm a nurse. I can be useful. I might not know ninjutsu, but I specialize in physical therapy. I can work with people who get injured to get them better again. Please. Get me off this fucking island. I can't stand it anymore. Please-!"

Guy Sensei put a hand on my shoulder. "Saki Kureji." Lee always said my first and last name too. I looked up, and I saw an older and wiser Lee. He knelt down beside me, putting an arm around me. "Saki Kureji, you magnificent youth." I'd been called many things, but "magnificent youth" was a new one. I managed a smile. "You always had a way with words," he said.

I rubbed my eyes. "Kakashi says I could sell water to the Hidden Mist."

He threw his head back and chuckled heartily. "Oh, Kakashi. Do you know what I think Kakashi would say if he were here now?"

"Saki, you're a little shit?" I asked, laughing.

"Well, yes," he said, "and then he'd say, Saki Kureji, you haven't finished your mission yet."

"My mission was to take a vacation," I said. "I'm not having a good fucking time, Guy. I'm miserable."

"No, not that fake mission we gave you initially. Saki, you know what I mean."

Naruto. Distract Naruto and keep him company. I sighed. "I'm tired of being tag-a-long girl, Guy. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay when I'm screaming inside. I'm tired of being just a weird footnote in the Naruto saga."

"Is that all you think you are?"

"Let's face it, Guy Sensei. One day this is all going to be in the history books. Naruto, Killer Bee, Yamato, Kakashi...fuck, even Sai, you're all going to be there. And me? I'll be lucky to get a paragraph that says, 'Naruto Uzumaki and Sakura Haruno had a nonchak friend named Saki Kureji who...shouted obscenities at the Chunin Exams...and fucked Kankuro in Suna...and touched Neji's hair...and then she found out she was descended from the Uchiha before the Fourth Ninja War.' That's my story, Guy. It's not a very good one. I want out. I want to go home and wait for Kiba. I can stay with my parents and grandmother, just like I was always meant to, and ditch this noise."

"Saki Kureji, you and I both know that is...well, frankly, crap."

"Oooh, Guy Sensei with the c-word," I managed to quip.

"Saki, all that you said, it might be true. It may be that nobody remembers you when this is all said and done, but, well, look, it's like this. There are many things that make a shinobi. Some have great strength, and some have flashy jutsu, but what matters the most when it's all said and done is the heart, and you-"

"Ohhhh my gosh, what is the deal?!" I exclaimed. "Kakashi said the exact same thing to me before I left."

He chuckled. "I'm not surprised. Saki, you have a shinobi heart, and I know you know it. You have a stronger shinobi heart than many actual shinobi, who do what they do just for fame. That's why you're here. That's why Lady Tsunade asked for you by name when we planned all of this. We know it's not easy. It was never meant to be easy. So sure. When it's all said and done, you may be just a funny paragraph or a weird footnote or even some obscure thing on some shared database network of the future...but I'd be willing to stake my life that it'll be a damn good one."

"You're just saying that to get me to stay," I protested.

"No, I mean it, I'd read that thing cover to cover."

"There are A LOT of stupid parts."

"There are a lot of stupid parts in the, shall we say, 'main storyline' as well. And, I have a feeling, it'll be way longer than it needs to be. I'm sure you fit right in."

"I can take you," Aoba cut in, "if you still want to go."

"It's strange," I said. "Now that I'm thinking of going back, it really doesn't make me feel any better. It's like no matter where I am, I'll never fully belong. I'm not a nonchak. I'm not a ninja. I'm a...Saki. No," I said firmly. "It's pointless. Worse, it's sacrilege. I can't leave. Yamato was just captured, for fuck's sake. And I'm the one who's going to have a stupid existential crisis? Kakashi and Tsunade put their faith in me, for whatever odd reason. But why I really have to stay is...Naruto is squad, and squad is life. I made that choice long ago." I exhaled. "Sorry to trouble you, boys. Give 'em hell."

Motoi and Aoba saluted me. Guy gave me a thumbs up. I ran back into the temple.

Naruto's training continued, and I stuck by his side through everything, just as Yamato would have done. However, our mission was crumbling. At this point, we couldn't let Naruto out of the temple. That posed some challenges. But what really screwed it up, I'm ashamed to say, was me.

I was having nightmares. When you have all of these emotions bottled up inside you, they have to come out somewhere. When I had been able to let off steam with Guy or Yamato, it was okay. But I was cooped up with Naruto and Bee now, so the boogeymen came out at night. Each night I'd see my grandpa killing someone I cared about, and I'd wake up shaking or crying. God, no wonder Sasuke had snapped. This wasn't even real, and it was taking a toll on me. And I couldn't talk to Naruto about it. He'd just hold me until I regained composure and fell back asleep in his arms. It was fucking killing him. I just said I missed Kiba, or Sakura, but it wasn't fooling him.

"Why can't Saki go home?" Naruto demanded one day.

"You know why," I said. "I have the seal." Lie. The seal had gone down with that jutsu shark. Every fucking thing I said to him anymore was a lie.

"Where's Yamato?" he asked.

"He had to take another mission. He'll be back. And when he comes back, I can go home," I said.

And so on and so forth. Worse, Naruto had hit a wall in his training. And he said he could "sense more Nine-Tails chakra," which meant squat diddly to me, but Bee seemed to know what he was talking about, and it wasn't good. Must be another weird jinchuuriki thing, I thought.

The day Naruto escaped, I'd been taking a nap. I don't think I could have stopped him. Nobody could at that point, but I do feel guilty about it. Bee woke me up and informed me he was going to follow Naruto off the island.

"And I'm going too…?" I asked.

"Saki, ya fool, no. Where we're going, you should not go. But there are other shinobi here, so have no fear."

"Bee," I said, throwing my arms around him. "I'm gonna miss you."

"You too, Saki-girl," said Bee. "You've got great talent, promise you won't hide it from the world." He held out his fist, and I reciprocated.

"I think we're all over hiding," I said. "But I'm glad I came, even if it was only because it was convenient for everyone else."

I watched Bee whoosh off over the trees, and I heard the crashes of a battle on the coast. There was a Leaf shinobi standing just outside of the Waterfall of Truth, also staring off into the distance. I stood behind him, and we watched together. He looked to be about twenty-something. He wore his hair in a ponytail, and he had a deep battle scar running over the bridge of his nose.

"Hi," I said, when the spectacle was over. "My name is Saki Kureji-Uchiha, non-evil granddaughter of Madara Uchiha, fiance of Kiba Inuzuka, best friend of Sakura Haruno and Naruto Uzumaki. I'm kinda a nonchak, and you're kinda stuck with me now."


	16. Irrestistible

He stared at me for a while, then he smiled. "Saki Kureji. Yes, I know who you are. Hi. I'm Iruka Umino. Great to finally meet you," he said, extending a hand.

"Ohmygosh, Iruka Sensei, hi!" I exclaimed. "I've heard so much about you."

"Is that so?"

"Yeah, Naruto freaking idolizes you," I said, reverting back to my more innocent vocabulary. I had too much respect for Iruka to go full Saki right off the bat.

"It's so great to know Naruto has good friends like you. Come on," he said, bending down so I could hop on his back. "We're going to headquarters."

"Thanks," I said, climbing onto him. "Sorry I'm such a bother."

"You're not a bother, Saki. You were a big help."

"I was sleeping...," I moaned. "Not my proudest moment."

"Don't blame yourself. Naruto made up his mind. He wasn't going to listen to any of us," said Iruka. We started to whoosh, and I was missing my motion sickness herbs.

"I think what I'm most guilty about is how relieved I am," I said.

"Me too," he said. Iruka was crazy easy to talk to. Had I been single, I might have fallen in love with him. It was a curious feeling.

Thankfully, the headquarters was in the Hidden Cloud, so while my stomach was a little bit upset, I didn't have enough time to get totally sick.

Tsunade was not at all surprised to see me. She was well aware of the situation.

"Hiiiiii Lady Hokage," I said sheepishly.

"Saki, good to see you," she said. "Thank you, Iruka, for bringing her. Go ahead and take a seat. You undoubtedly need to rest."

"What do you mean? I've been doing nothing but resting for…I don't even know how long," I said. "I was on vacation, remember?"

She looked at me intently. "Is it true you broke out of a water prison jutsu all by yourself?"

Iruka's eyes widened. Damn it, why did he have to have that scar? I was totally into scars. I touched my engagement ring to remind myself who I was. "I mean…," I said, putting on nonchalance, "I had some help from Naruto. _Could_ I have done it myself…? I guess we'll never know for sure. I got licked by a shark, though, so that was cool."

"Well, Saki, your mission is over," said Tsunade. "I'm fully prepared to send you back to the Hidden Leaf, where I'm sure you've been missed at the hospital. However-" She paused, second guessing herself. Then she continued. "It's entirely your decision, but I think I can with a clear conscious send you to assist the medical unit."

I think my heart literally stopped. "Would I be with Sakura?" She smiled and nodded. "Sign me up!" I exclaimed, popping out of my seat.

"Now, Saki," she said, "this would not be without danger. This is not the same as working the hospital in Konoha."

"Like, the Akatsuki could attack us? Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt," I said.

"Saki, I feel like you're not taking this seriously. A non-ninja has never served in the medical unit for a ninja war. It's incredibly risky for you. More so than being on the island with multiple shinobi to protect you. Anything can happen in a war."

"I'm okay with that," I said. "Seriously. I'd rather be in the line of fire than tucked away somewhere wondering what the freak is going on. I've lived that life, and I'm over it. If I'm going to go down, I'm going to go down with my best friend by my side. Besides, I've already died once. It wasn't terrible."

"I expected as such," said Tsunade with a sly smile. "I just had to know that you understood."

"Can I…," I said, "can I send a letter to my parents? They deserve to know."

"Of course," said Tsunade. Then, out of nowhere, she hugged me.

"Lady Hokage?" I said, returning her affection with reservation.

"Thank you, Saki, for all that you do for our village," she said.

I was speechless. All I do? I'm not even sure what is it I do, let alone _all_ I do. Yet, everyone recently telling me how remarkable and magnificent I was at what I do. It was weird, because I feel like people were thanking me for being a friend. But, I wasn't going to argue with the Hokage, so I said, "Thanks, Lady Hokage."

Iruka took me to the medical unit where Sakura was stationed. Sakura had no idea I was coming.

"Iruka," I said, "wanna help me with a practical joke?"

"Hm," he said, "what do you have in mind?"

"Carry me in your arms," I said. "I'm gonna pretend to be injured, then hug attack Sakura when she goes to heal me."

"Ohhhh," he said, chuckling softly. "That's a little mean."

"I'm a little mean," I said. "Sakura loves me. Pleeeease? I want to make an entrance."

"Alright, alright," he said. "But it was your idea."

"She'll know," I said.

We landed outside of the camp, far enough away that we wouldn't be recognized, and I climbed off Iruka's back and into his arms. Ugh...it felt soooo good to be in an attractive ninja's arms again. It had been months since I saw Kiba last. My lady parts were screaming. What a shinobi slut.

I closed my eyes, crossed my legs, and made like I was limp. It was way harder to keep that up than I had anticipated, especially when I heard Sakura's voice. How could I pretend to be limp when my heart was pounding out my chest? How could I keep from smiling? Luckily Sakura could be as dense as Naruto sometimes.

"OH MY GOSH! SAKI! WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?! IRUKA SENSEI! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY SAKI?!"

"Um...um...um…," he stammered, "she got stuck in a water prison jutsu."

"A WATER PRISON JUTSU! WHAT THE HECK WAS SHE DOING IN A WATER PRISON JUTSU?!"

"Well, don't yell at me, I didn't do it!" he exclaimed. "Here!"

"LAY HER DOWN RIGHT NOW!" she ordered. I felt my body being lowered to the ground. Sakura's hands started checking my vitals. "Huh, that's weird. She feels...excited."

"Well, I was in a water prison jutsu," I mumbled.

"Saki! You can talk!" Sakura said, holding my face.

"I was in a water prison jutsu," I said, "and I SURVIVED, BITCHES!" I sprang up off the ground. "Can't kill me, no sir! Saki 2, Akatsuki 0."

"SAKI!" Sakura shouted in both awe and annoyance. "Saki Kureji-Uchiha!"

"Sakura Haruno!" I returned.

"What-what-what...WHAT?!"

"My mission is over!" I said. "I totally failed!"

"What-what-what…?"

"But I'm here now. I get to stay here. With you."

"...That's INSANE!"

"I know, right? It's so us!"

"This is a joke. Iruka, this is a joke."

"We're past the joke portion of this reunion," Iruka said. "She's actually here to stay. Tsunade's orders."

"Tsunade sent you here," Sakura repeated in disbelief.

"Yes," I said. "More or less. I had a choice. But I chose you."

"You're insane."

"I love you too?"

She laughed and hugged me. "Of course," she said, and I realized she had started crying. "I missed you so much. I'm so happy you're here. I'm scared to death that you're here, but I don't care."

"Me neither," I said.

"Well, Saki, it was nice meeting you," said Iruka. "I'm off to the battlefield."

"Thanks for the lift, Iruka. I'm glad I got to meet you too," I said. When he whooshed away, I slapped Sakura.

"What was that for?!" she exclaimed.

"For not telling me how cute Iruka was!"

"You hadn't met Iruka before?"

"No, I hadn't, and he's super adorable," I said. "That scar…mmmmmmm…."

"Oh lord," she said. "Same old Saki. ENGAGED Saki."

"Ughhh…," I moaned. "Old habits die hard. Girl, I'm gonna be real right now. I'm itchin' bad. Are there conjugal visits in the army or what?"

She turned cherry red. "Ummmmm...I don't think that's a thing."

"That needs to be a thing. Write Tsunade. We're making it a thing."

"Please don't actually do that."

Now that I was a member of the medical corp, I had to look the part. I hung up my red and white dress and put on under armor, a boring black shirt and pants, and a Leaf shinobi vest. I really wished I still had the one that said "Fox Whisperer," but unfortunately that one got obliterated along with everything else in the Pain fiasco. I got some kunai though, which was cool. I also had to wear my hair up, which I hadn't done in a long time. My hair fell down to my waist, so piling it all on my head was an ordeal.

Life in the medical compound wasn't much different from life at the hospital, just people checked in and out way more often. Sakura and I roomed together, of course. I performed my raps for her. She wasn't entirely amused by them either. This was nice though. I felt like things were kinda back to normal.

"So," I said one night, "how bad is it that I'm hoping Kiba gets injured and sent here?"

"Bad," she answered, then she laughed. "Saki, I can't believe you're engaged. Of all the people to get engaged."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, knowing full well what she meant.

"It's just that you've always made fun of people who were in love, and you've never talked about getting married before," she said.

"Don't remind me," I said. "Ugh. Sakura. I'm becoming...domestic."

"Leave it to Kiba to tame a wild beast," she giggled.

"You say that as if Kiba is this totally sweet person," I said. "Girl, ain't nobody here _tamed._ I met my match. Ironically, Kiba is the only guy who doesn't look at me as some wild thing to be controlled. He likes me crazy."

"That's scary," she said. "So you're really going to stick with the same guy for the rest of your life?"

"I am," I said. "What, you don't think I can do it, can you?"

"You were swooning over Iruka Sensei. Yes, I have my doubts," she said.

"Fair," I said. "I'm always gonna be a flirt. Most people who know me know that, and it's just whatever. I know I'd never cross that line if it actually came to it. Although it really sucks for Kakashi."

"Kakashi does not have a thing for you," Sakura said firmly.

"Kakashi totally has a thing for me," I said. "He just can't act on it. But it's there. I've been watering that fucking seed since day one."

"See, this is what I'm talking about," said Sakura.

* * *

The first familiar face I saw at the camp was Neji's. Okay, move over Iruka, move over Kakashi, Neji is easily the hottest shinobi in the Hidden Leaf. The morning I left with Naruto for the Hidden Cloud, I saw him doing tai-chi shirtless, hair blowing gently in the wind, with the rising sun in the backdrop, and it was literally the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. It's absolutely unfair how gorgeous he is. I don't even think I'm that pretty.

Sakura gave me the evil eye when she sent him to me for a physical examination. I glared back at her. Nothing to see here, Sakura. Neji was immune to my charms. I had actually been suspicious that he might be gay. Because, I mean, come on.

He was staring at me really awkwardly. I put on a happy face and laughed nervously. "Dude, it's okay," I said. "I'm not mad at you. You can relax."

"Mad at me?" he asked.

"You know, because of the kiss thing. You don't have to pretend it didn't happen. I actually should be thanking you. That weird incident kinda started the me and Kiba thing, so I'm happy about it. And I got to touch your hair. That's all I ever really wanted from you." I winked.

"You are strange," he said.

"So…," I said, "how's it going out there? Your body is under a lot of stress." I started massaging his temples. Even battle-worn Neji had flawless hair. It didn't even have any weird smells in it.

"We are doing well," he said, then added, "You are very good at that."

I would be lying if I didn't admit to getting a little tingle from the compliment. "It's my job," I said, moving from his temples to his shoulders. "So are you still with Lee and Tenten?"

"Lee and Tenten?" he asked.

"Yeah...Lee and Tenten…."

"I was with Kiba," he said.

My heart leapt. "Kiba! How is he? How's Akamaru? Did you guys kill any Akatsuki?"

"Oh yes," he said. "We are killing many Akatsuki."

"Are you being sarcastic right now?" I said.

"No, Kiba is a very fine shinobi."

"Yeah…," I said, realizing I sounded like a silly schoolgirl. "Are you going to be going back to him when you leave?"

"Sure," he said.

"I'm going to give you a letter. Oh, and some pictures. Don't look at the pictures. Or the letter. Promise?"

"Sure," he said.

"You're the best," I said, finishing massaging his muscles. "I'll be back with some incense. It'll help you relax. And I'm going to see if we can whip up something for those eyes."

"Thank you, ummm…."

"Really? Saki. My name is Saki."

"Right, Saki. Thank you, Saki."

"Did our time together really mean that little to you?" I joked. With another wink, I left his tent.

I had to go to Shizune to find Byakugan-grade eye drops. When I returned, Neji had blood on his shirt.

"Ohmygosh, you're bleeding through your bandages," I said. "You're way worse than we thought."

"Oh, this is nothing," he said.

"No, it's not nothing. I need to send you back to Sakura for medical ninjutsu."

"You can't do it?"

"Nonchak," I said. "Wow, I really didn't mean a thing to you, did I? I mean, I know our date was a farce, but still. I'm actually starting to get annoyed now."

He stood up. "I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me."

"Damn straight it's you," I said.

"I would like to fix this," he said.

"Okay?" I said, crossing my arms. This was it. He was going to come out to me. It's the only logical thing that could happen next. But instead, he put his arms around me and kissed me. A lot of things when through my head during that extremely short kiss. 1) What the fuck? 2) OMG. 3) This is happening. 4) Not as good as I'd expected. 5) Not good AT ALL. I managed to push him off me, and then I slapped him. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"I thought that's what you wanted. I thought that would make you happy."

"Ummm...late much?" I was fuming so much, my sharingan turned on by itself. I had a hard time even formulating my thoughts into words. "First of all, I'm fucking engaged to Kiba, so either you're really that big of a prick to hit on your friend's fiance, or you really think I'm that kind of a girl. Either way, that makes you a LEGIT ASSHOLE. I thought you were just introverted, but now I know you're actually THAT STUCK UP. You think you can forget my name and then kiss me, and I'd just fall into your arms? You fucked with the wrong girl, Neji Hyuga. Everyone is going to FUCKING HATE YOU when this is over. I wouldn't be surprised if you're kicked off Team Guy for this, because Lee and Tenten will FUCKING MURDER YOU."

"I should go," he said.

"Yeah, you should, before I do something I regret. I may not be a ninja, but I have plenty of ways of making you miserable."

When he left, I imagined I was hacking off his hair with my kunai.

* * *

"Oh, Saki," said Sakura when we both got back to our tent, "you must have heard the news."

"That Neji Hyuga is the biggest dick in the history of dicks?"

"WHAT?!" shouted Sakura. "WHAT ABOUT HIS DICK, SAKI?!"

"OH. MY. GOD. NO!" I shouted back. "Ew. A hundred times ew. I said Neji _is_ a dick. You will never believe what he tried to do."

"Woah, what?"

"He kissed me. He couldn't remember my name, and then he kissed me. ASSHOLE." I punched the bed for good measure.

Sakura processed the news. "Are you sure he wasn't...on painkillers or something?"

"Do you know how many guys on painkillers I've been around that could a) remember my name and b) didn't try to kiss me? All of them, Sakura. Well, not counting Kankuro, but that was consensual. No, this was just pure douchebaggery."

"You didn't flirt with him?"

"NO. Not really. I made some jokes about our trainwreck of a date we had. And even if I did flirt with him, I'm engaged to Kiba. That's still asshole behavior. He was JUST out there with Kiba. We were talking about Kiba before he did it."

"Ohmygosh, that's awful," she said.

"It was a bad kiss too, Sakura. I felt like I was kissing a plant. Blech."

"Wow. I don't know what to say."

"We're blackballing him," I said firmly.

"Yeah," she said. "That's just so out of character."

"I'm done talking about it. What were you going to say?"

"Oh, that," she said. She took a deep breath. "There's a killer in the camp."

"Good! They can kill Neji!"

"SAKI!" exclaimed Sakura. "This is serious. If someone infiltrated us, they must be a powerful shinobi. They took out some of our jonins."

"Oh, shit," I said. "What a fucking day. Well, no way is Neji Hyuga gonna be the last person I kissed before I die, no sir."

"Stay with me from now on. I won't let anyone lay a finger on you."

* * *

The next day proceeded almost normally, except everyone was, understandably, super jumpy. People were constantly quizzing each other on mundane facts about their lives to ensure they actually were who they looked like.

"What does Kakashi call me?" I asked Sakura after we had been separated for an hour.

"Little shit," she answered, rolling her eyes.

"Everything okay out there?" I asked.

"So far, so good," she said. "People are kinda relaxing again. I don't think that's a good thing, though."

"Probably not," I agreed. "So...can we talk about that Stone Village guy?"

"What Stone Village guy?"

"Don't play dumb!" I teased. "He was flirting with you."

"He was not."

"Was too! And he wasn't half bad."

Just then, the guy in question entered the tent. "Hi!" he said, then looked at me like a deer in headlights.

"Hey, don't mind me, I was just on my way out!" I said enthusiastically.

"Saki, no!" Sakura whispered, but I was already gone. I walked around to the back of the tent and tried to listen, but I couldn't hear much. Unfortunately, the guy left within a matter of minutes.

I went back to find Sakura brooding by her medical supplies. "What was that?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said, tucking a folded piece of paper under the tray. I immediately dived for it.

"Dear Sakura," I read, "You were a light in my dark hour. Your gentle spirit, warm ways and beautiful face have stolen my heart. I hope that we can meet again under better circumstances. Yours truly, Rako." She blushed and hung her head. "Rako from the Stone Village. That's appropriate. So, you gonna see him again?"

"Of course not," she said.

"Why not? What's wrong with him?"

"Nothing," she said. "I mean, he's from the Stone Village, so that's a problem."

"He's not asking you to marry him," I said. "Alright, girl, get real. I thought we were over Sasuke."

"I'm not," she said. "I thought I was, but I'm not."

"All the better reason to get yourself a little rebound action! You're a sexy nurse; guys DIG the sexy nurse angle. There will be more Rakos. Live a little, will ya?"

"As much as I hate to admit it, you're probably right," she said.

"I know I'm right. You're throwing away your best years on some asshole. That pisses me off. You know that, right? You deserve happiness. Even if it's fleeting casual happiness."

"I've just always felt like, when you love someone, you should save yourself for them."

"Hey, I'm not asking you to do what I did. I just think we really need to be open to playing the field, and maybe, I don't know...kissing someone?" She sighed. "And can I please throw something out there, while we're on the topic? I've been sitting on it for years."

"Alright," she said.

"There's an amazing guy in our very village who really likes you."

"Naruto?!"

"No," I said. "He's over you. But the other one isn't."

"Oh, NO. Saki…." She buried her face in her hands.

"Oh, YESSS!" I exclaimed. "Lee is PERFECT for you! It drives me INSANE that you can't see it!"

"What happened to he's a hot mess? What happened to he's a dork?"

"He _was_ a hot mess. Now he's a chunin. Girl. Come on. He's sweet and innocent, like you, and he's strong as fuck, like you. I don't get what your problem is."

"We're talking about Lee…."

"I know he doesn't have Sasuke's body or anything, but I really think we're overlooking a really obvious point here."

"And please, what is that?"

"I'm positive that out of everyone from your class, he'd be the best in bed."

She turned white. "I shudder to think how you know that."

"Most strength, most endurance...this isn't rocket science."

"Ughh…," she groaned, turning green, "why are you thinking about this?"

"Why are you NOT thinking about this? It goes Lee, Neji, Kiba, then Sasuke."

"STOP. Why?! Why why why...?"

"Okay, okay, dropping it. I made my case. You won't hear it again. But before the end of this war, we're going to get you kissed, okay?"

"Okay," she said.

"Wait, really?"

"Yes," she said. "You're right about that, at least. I need to get of my head. Loosen up."

"Slut it up a bit," I agreed. She was about to protest when we heard someone else enter the tent. I was hoping it might be Rako again, but it was Neji. I drew my kunai. "Oh, eww, Sakura, someone forgot to take the trash out," I said.

"Saki, I am sorry I upset you yesterday," he said.

"Whatever," I said. "I've gotta go check on some patients." I ran my kunai threateningly through his hair as I walked by, and I went back to my spot behind the tent. Then I heard a huge thud, and the ground shook.

"SAKI!" I heard Sakura yell. My heart pounded. Did Sakura take out Neji for me? She was really turning into a badass.

I cautiously made my way back inside and saw Sakura straddling a naked white corpse. "Whaaaat the fuck?" I stammered.

"Saki, this is Neji," she said. "Or, rather, an Akatsuki soldier impersonating Neji."

My stomach churned. "So...that THING...kissed me?"

"I'm afraid so," she said.

"Excuse me," I said. I ran outside the tent and vomited.

"Saki, can you get Shizune?" she asked.

"Sure," I choked. "Hey, Sakura, you know what this means, right?"

"That the war is getting more dangerous, and we can't trust anybody?"

"That," I said, "and Neji is definitely gay."

"WHAT?!" she shouted. "How do you get that from this?"

"Simple," I said, stepping back inside. "That thing, that isn't even human, wanted me, and Neji didn't. I'm irresistible. You have to be gay to not want me."

"Oh lord," she said. "Shizune!"

Sakura and Shizune began an intense autopsy of the white corpse, which Sakura called a "Zetsu." While she was hard at work at that, I began scoping out potential first kiss candidates for my BFF. I would casually strum up conversations young guys, medics and cripples alike, and ask them some simple questions, like:

1\. What's your name?

2\. Are you single?

3\. What kind of girls do you like?

4\. How emo are you?

And then I moved on to the next one. I was developing quite a database. I gave each guy I'd interviewed a 1-10 rating based on appearance, friendliness, and something I called the "S-factor," which was how much they reminded me of Sasuke.

When the sun was setting on my first full day of research, I spotted a new guy from the Cloud Village who was pretty attractive as far as I was concerned. I commenced my operation.

"Hello, my name is Saki, and I'm doing research on the Men of the Allied Shinobi Forces. Do you have time for a brief survey?" Meanwhile, I was taking notes on his physical appearance. He had dark skin and long blonde hair, which really made him stand out. He must have been in intensive care or something, because there is no way I wouldn't have noticed this guy before.

"Sure," he said.

"What is your name?" I began.

"Konoi," he answered. Typical Cloud Village name.

"Are you single?" I asked.

He looked me up and down. "For you? Absolutely."

"Please, sir, this is for science," I said firmly. "What kind of girls do you like?"

"Ones that look like you," he answered.

This guy was not scoring any S-factor points. I pressed on. "How emo are you?"

"What?"

"Just answer the question, sir."

"Ummm...I'm not sure what the question means."

"On a scale of 1-10, how much do you hate everything?"

"Ummm…0?!"

I sighed. "Okay. Thank you for your time, sir. There will be no further questions."

"Hold on," he said, grabbing my shoulder.

Exasperated, I turned around. "Look, I'm sorry, but I wasn't asking for me. I'm engaged, see?" I held up my ring finger.

Konoi had a weird grin on his face. "Saki, you're mine," he said menacingly before his chest opened up like a giant white venus fly trap and grabbed me. I tried to get my kunai, but the teeth of the trap had my arms bent in these weird directions. I was pulled in. I was suspended, unable to move but still fully conscious, inside of the Zetsu.


	17. The Last of the Uchiha

Motherfuck. My mind raced. Damn these White Zetsu bastards and their weird obsession with me. I'm going to be raped by subhuman plant people. I'm going to be the Bride of Zetsu. I prayed these fuckers were susceptible to genjutsu, or else, I was literally fucked.

Thankfully the weird ride didn't last long. Zetsu opened up and dumped me out inside of a cave. I tumbled to the hard ground, landing face down next to someone in an Akatsuki robe.

"This is the girl," said Zetsu, "the one who possesses the sharingan."

"Thank you, Zetsu. You may go," said a deep voice. The ground behind me started to rumble, and I turned around to see White Zetsu sinking into the ground. So that explained how I got there, wherever there was. "Saki," the deep voice said. For the first time, I looked up. The Akatsuki had a white mask completely covering his face with a spiral design. His two eyes were weird. One of them was purple and spirally, and the other was a sharingan. There was no mistake. This was my grandfather. I gulped. I had thought many times about what would happen if I met my grandfather, all scenarios ending in him dying. But now that I was actually face to face with him, my mind was blank, and my limbs felt frozen. All I could sense was my beating heart. "My Zetsu tell me that you have a sharingan. Is this true?" asked Madara. What was I supposed to say? No, you have the wrong person, send me home? In a swift motion, Madara grabbed my head, and I felt my sharingan turn on. Well, no denying it now, I thought. "Curious," said Madara. "It is a young sharingan, and weak. Your chakra is weak. No wonder Itachi spared you. You are useless, a disgrace to the Uchiha."

"You're the one who's a disgrace," I said automatically.

He chuckled. "Feisty," he said. "But you have me all wrong. I am going to restore the Uchiha to greatness."

"Some greatness," I said. "You murder and manipulate people. This is not greatness."

"It's a shame you feel that way," he said. "I could give you power."

"Fuck power," I said. "I don't want it."

He regarded me coldly. "You are no Uchiha."

"Fine by me," I said. "Uchiha are assholes. I'm not about that life."

He sighed. "This is all very disappointing. I thought I was getting another accomplice, someone who was powerful enough to evade Itachi. But what I got was a-" He put his hand on my head again, "-quarter-chak, is it?"

I smirked and rested my hand on my pocket that contained my kunai. "It's funny that you should think that about me. You did make me, after all."

"Huh?" he said, then he chuckled again. "Oh, yes, right. I am Madara Uchiha, the father of all Uchiha…."

"Cut the crap," I said. "You banged a prostitute named Madam Sofi Kureji. Nine months later, she gave birth to a son, Sani Kureji. He never knew he was an Uchiha. When he was 15, he met the daughter of a travelling merchant family from the Land of Earth. She stayed in Konoha with him, and nine months later, the Nine-Tails attacked, killing Sani. My father. Your son. You are my grandfather."

"My son…," whispered Madara, his proud head drooping slightly.

"I befriended a kunoichi and the jinchuuriki of the Nine-tails. When the Akatsuki called Pain attacked the Hidden Leaf, I died for him. When the dead were revived, I had these sharingans and learned my true heritage. I am Saki Kureji-Uchiha, and by the time this war is over, I will be the last of the Uchiha, because you will lose, Grandfather, and Sasuke will lose, and then there will be only me. This is my story, and I'll tell you something else, Grandfather…." I stood up, the words just pouring out of me, surging from my soul. My tone softened, and I continued, "When I found out that I was an Uchiha, the Hokage asked if I wanted the name officially added to my records. I said yes." Here, I paused. "But when this war is over, I'm getting married. You see, I have a choice, Grandfather, to tack the Inuzuka name onto yours or simply erase yours entirely. That's right, I have a choice, and with one word, I can finish the good work Itachi started, and erase your tainted name from the face of the planet, so it will be but an ugly blemish in shinobi history. This is my story. This is my purpose, to end you, not with fire and blood, but with love, and with stone cold indifference. Are you scared, Grandfather? Because you should be. I am not a shinobi, I can do no jutsu, I can break no bones, but I am more powerful than you are and were and ever will be because I love, and I am loved in return, and you are but the dust that I rise from and sweep aside and scatter in the wind. Are you scared, yet, Grandfather?" I made the steeple sign with my hand and imagined his body dissipating into dust and blowing around the room. "Because you should be."

He stared at his hands and frantically touched his body, whimpering. I leaned backwards nonchalantly in order to watch my handiwork from against the cave wall. Finally, he started laughing. "Zetsu," said Madara, "restrain Miss Kureji."

White tentacles sprouted from the Earth and wrapped around my legs. "Miss Kureji? I'm your granddaughter. Saki Kureji-Uchiha." Madara was walking away. "Come back and face me, you coward!"

* * *

After what I thought was a day had passed, I thought, I know I'm supposed to be having some kind of emotional breakdown right now, but I'm just bored. The Zetsu tendrils had me wrapped up to the waist. I was only allowed to move to go to the bathroom, and to do that, the tendrils expanded and created a pod around me.

I lost track of time pretty quickly since there was no sunlight. I slept when I was tired, and when I was awake, I tried to entertain my brain by making raps.

The next day, I think, Madara brought me a bowl of plain white rice. I accepted it silently and started eating. He was staring at me. I glared back at him, but I didn't say anything. I'd already said my peace.

"Saki," he said finally. His voice was still deep and imposing, but there was less force in it. I took this to be his natural voice. "I would like to share with you my reasons for doing what I do. Before you pass judgment on me, I'd like you to listen."

"There's nothing you can say that will make this okay," I said, "but sure. I'll listen."

"You have suffered much," he said.

Was that a hint of tenderness? I rolled my eyes. "No shit, Sherlock. You're a regular wizard. I don't know how you figured that one out."

"You blame me for your suffering," he said.

"Ding-ding-ding, we have a winner," I said.

"But what if I told you that my goal was to end suffering?"

"Ahhh, yes," I said. "The old 'the ends justify the means' argument. Alright, Evil Granpops, humor me. In what way does founding a terror organization, killing jinchuuriki, and starting a World War end suffering?"

"To answer that, Saki, we have to go all the way back to the beginning, before shinobi came to be."

I finished my rice, set the bowl down, and started doodling in the Zetsu tendrils with the chopsticks. "A meteor crashed to earth, and the Big Space Chakra Tree started growing, and there was a chakra fruit, and then the Alien Shinobi Godmother ate the fruit and gained immense power to end all wars. Her sons stopped her, and her second son became Shinobi Jesus and spread chakra all around the world, and that's how we have shinobi today," I said.

"Hm," he said, "I'm impressed. Most shinobi don't even know the story."

"Jiraiya told me when I was in the afterlife," I said calmly.

"I see," he said. "For most shinobi, it is a happy story, a celebration. But when I heard it, I didn't see it that way. When I heard it, the only thing I could think was-"

"-this world is a mistake," I finished.

We locked eyes for a weird moment. "I…," he stammered, "yes, that is exactly what I thought."

"That's why I got my sharingan," I said. "I was pissed off. I was pissed that nobody ever learns from the mistakes of the past. We keep doing the same stupid things over and over."

"I feel exactly the same way," said Madara.

"Bullshit," I spat. "You're doing it. You're doing it worse than anybody else."

"But I will stop it!" he said passionately. He paused, trying to think of a way to persuade me. "Saki, tell me some of the things that cause you suffering."

"Okay," I said. "Ummm...this war that my friends have to fight in, that sucks. And when it's over, they're still going to have to risk their lives all the time, which sucks. Naruto gets a bunch of crap for being a jinchuuriki, and that sucks. Sakura is in love with a psychopath, and that sucks."

"Granddaughter," he said, "I will cure all those ills."

"How?" I asked. "By killing everyone? That's not a cure."

"No," he said. "By your weapon of choice, Granddaughter. By genjutsu."

"Genjutsu?" I asked. "You're going to gen away all the suffering in the world. So you're going to knock everyone out?"

"I'm going to restore the world as Kaguya, ehh, Alien Shinobi Godmother, made it. It's called the Infinite Tsukuyomi. First, I will restore the Divine Tree. I wonder, do you know what the Divine Tree is made of?"

"The nine tailed beasts," I said. "That's why you are killing jinchuuriki."

"A small price to pay for world peace," he said. "Once I have captured all the tailed beasts, the Divine Tree will take root once again, and the chakra fruit will blossom again. Now, your knowledge thus far has been impressive, Granddaughter. What does the chakra fruit look like?"

"Pssh," I said. "You've finally stumped me, Evil Granpops."

"It looks like a sharingan," he said.

I furrowed my brow. "How do you know that? And why does it matter?"

"It is all recorded in secret stone tablets possessed by the Uchiha clan. And it matters, Granddaughter, because it allows me to project a genjutsu onto the moon."

"Why do you want to gen the moon?"

"No," he said. "It's not the moon that receives the jutsu. The moon reflects the jutsu back to Earth."

And then it clicked. "Oh shit. So you're going to control everybody because the moon will basically be a giant sharingan."

"Isn't it beautiful?" he asked. "I'll make everyone happy. Nobody will fight, because nobody will want to. Whatever you want in the world, you can have, thanks to me. What do you want in the world, Saki? It's yours, as soon as my work is finished. You can be a ninja. You can see your friends, happy, and they will never leave you. You can even have your father back. We could be a real family. You would like that, right, Saki?"

A tear rolled down my cheek. It was a pretty picture. I looked down at my doodles, the faces of my friends from the Hidden Leaf. Then I looked at my Grandfather. "No," I said suddenly.

"What's that?" he asked. "No?"

"No," I said firmly. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. And I've heard a lot of stupid things in my life, but this...this is the absolute stupidest."

"Why?" he pleaded. Pleaded. He was like a child craving validation. Pathetic.

"Because it would be a fucking lie."

"But nobody would know it's a lie!"

"It doesn't fucking matter if they know it's a lie or not! That's not true peace. Peace through suppressing and controlling people is not any better than constant suffering through conflict. Your way to peace is a complete crushing of the human spirit. The world would literally stop moving forward, and everybody would be wrapped up in their little fantasies and nobody would actually connect with each other ever again, and that's the absolute worst."

"And pray tell, what has the human spirit given us? A world of war and death and conflict."

"Oh, fucking grow up, will ya? Yeah, shit happens sometimes. Yeah, this whole chakra thing was technically a mistake, and maybe we shouldn't have it, but we do, and we all make choices about what we do with it. I do wish I had chakra, because you know what I'd do with it? I'd invent a cleaning jutsu." Here, Madara chuckled. "That's the one thing I don't get about shinobi. They got this awesome gift, and they immediately used it to start hurting each other. But it was a choice. In your world, there is no choice to make, because it's already been decided for us. And so it's not really our world anymore, it's your world. That's what this is really about, isn't it? You just want everything to be your fucking way. You're like a fucking toddler."

"Well, I suppose I'd expect that kind of thinking, from a non-shinobi. But think of your friends."

"My friends? My friends rock," I said. "Ohmygosh, there's this kid named Lee. He's a quarter-chak too, but when he was little, he decided he wanted to be a ninja, so he trained his body, like, torturously trained it, every day, so that he'd be fast and strong enough to get into the academy. Everyone made fun of him for it. I made fun of him for it. And now? He's a fucking beast! He's a chunin, and I love him to death. In your world, he would have just, what, magically gotten more chakra? But then we wouldn't have a kid who has so much control over his body he can literally break chakra gates.

"And Naruto, wow, did that kid took some shit. He wants to be Hokage, like his dad, but jinchuuriki are really looked down upon, which is stupid, but that's another rant for another time. Everyone was afraid of him, and nobody wanted to help him. So in your world, he would just, poof, become Hokage? And poof, not have a demon fox inside of him? I just watched that kid train tooth and nail to control his little fox friend. It was beautiful, Grandpa. And I can't wait to see him become Hokage one day. Of course, he'll have to fight my fiance for it. Pssh. But between you and me, yeah, it's gonna be Naruto. In your world, anyone who wants to be Hokage gets to be Hokage. That don't mean shit. That's an empty title when you're...in charge of people who are...controlled by someone else...and don't give a shit about you because they're wrapped up in their own world...don't you see how fucked up that is?

"If there's anyone I want to relieve the suffering of, it's Sakura. She's in love with Sasuke. If she had it her way, Sasuke would come riding back into Konoha and declare his love for her and renounce all evil forever and always. But that's not the kind of love I want for her. She deserves someone, a real, live person, who looks at her like she's the most beautiful treasure on the face of the fucking planet, and who fights for her every day of his life. Not some illusion. Sakura is better than that. Everyone is better than that, don't you see?

"People are capable of doing shitty things. People are capable of the most unspeakable horrors and darkness. But people are also capable of doing really remarkable, kind things. Oh, I have to tell you this story. It's my favorite story about shinobi. So Naruto and Sakura, they have this Sensei, and his name is Kakashi-"

"Oh, no," said Madara. "I've heard enough from you today."

"No," I said firmly. "I heard you out, now you hear me out. So Kakashi Sensei. He's crazy hot. He has no idea, and that makes him adorable. He was my first crush, even though he's way too old for me. Anyways, that's not the story. So Kakashi isn't an Uchiha, but he has a sharingan. So, being an obnoxious child, I was all, 'whats up with that?'-"

"I really need to go," Madara said, making for the door.

"I _promise_ this story has a point," I said. "So he tells me. He tells me, once upon a time he was on a mission. It was his first mission as a chunin. Now, I don't know what things were like when you were a ninja, but most people's first chunin missions are epic fails. So on this mission this girl, I forget her name, she gets kidnapped. And Kakashi was kinda an asshole back then, so he's all, too bad so sad, let's continue with our regularly scheduled mission. Fucked up, right?"

"You like this guy?" Madara asked with a slight laugh.

"He's the best, really, but back then, total asshole. So then, there's his other partner, Obito Uchiha. I remember that name because he's my favorite. Obito goes after the girl. Sounds like he was in love with her. Obito goes after the girl, and Kakashi was all, well, _fine_ , I guess I have to go too now. They find the girl, but a giant rock falls on Obito and shatters half of his body. And as he's dying, Obito gave Kakashi his sharingan."

Madara had a hand on the door. "Okay? So what's the point?"

My point? Oh yeah, there was a point. "That's my favorite story about shinobi," I said, "because it's the only story I know where an Uchiha does something good. And I believe, no, I know, that if you put all the shinobi together in the world, there would be more Obitos than Madaras."

Madara turned to the door, then back to me. "Then you missed the point of the story. In this world, Obitos die."

That was the last I saw of Madara. A White Zetsu with half a face brought me food each day, but he was nothing to talk to. I was actually really hoping Evil Granpops would come back, because I kept thinking of a bunch more things I wanted to say to him.

At this point, I was starting to lose it. I started talking to people who weren't there. Not like a hallucination or anything. I knew what I was doing. I made up stories about each of my friends' war experiences, and each day, they reported to me the next installment of their adventure. Because I had no actual idea what was happening, the stories got pretty weird. Sakura and Tenten had received special powers from space and had to battle an endless stream of alien monsters. Naruto used a forbidden jutsu to try to revive his dead mother, but he fucked it up and lost and his arm and leg in the process. Sai was trying to uncover the identity of a shinobi who was killing the Allies using a magic notebook. Lee was trapped in a village surrounded by walls that was constantly terrorized by cannibal giants. Kakashi was training a bunch of kids to kill their alien octopus teacher. Kiba was on a quest to trap 150 magical monsters in little balls.

I was getting pretty addicted to my weird little world when an actual person came to see me, the last person on Earth I expected to or even wanted to see: Sasuke Uchiha.

"Hey, Saki," he said, as if we were best buds, "I'm busting out of here. You in?"

"I hate your fucking guts," I said, slurring my words like I was drunk. I wasn't drunk, just exteremely tired and extremely hungry.

"I know," he said, shrugging, "but you're an Uchiha, and I'm your only option."

"Fiiiine," I said like a defiant toddler. "Where are we going?"

"Konoha," he said.

"Kay," I said. I should have asked way more questions, but I did really want out of there.

White Zetsu walked in with my food and jumped when he saw Sasuke. "Oh, you're ready," said Zetsu.

"Yeah, thanks for the new eyes, I really appreciate it," he said. Then his body started glowing purple, and a giant purple guy with a crossbow sprouted out of his back.

"What the fuck," I mumbled. I really thought I was hallucinating. He aimed his crossbow at Zetsu and knocked him out, sending my rice all over the floor. "MOTHERFUCKER!" I shouted. "I WAS GONNA EAT THAT, YOU EMO PIECE OF SHIT!"

"Ugh," he sighed, "have you really gotten _more_ obnoxious? I'm gonna regret this." He punched my bonds, and they shattered. I sat there stupidly, not registering that I could get up and walk. Sasuke picked me up and threw me over his shoulder.

"WAIT!" I shouted suddenly.

"What?!" he exclaimed. "We'll get food later. Let's go."

"I want to leave a message for Evil Granpops!"

"Why?"

"I HAVE SOMETHING I NEED TO SAY!" I stretched my hands towards the wall. He put me down, and I picked up a rock. I remembered when Madara had left after our last conversation, I'd thought of the best comeback a only few minutes later. It had been, "I'd rather die as Obito than live as Madara." I'd never gotten the chance to say it. And worse, in my hunger-exhaustion-Sasuke-confusion, I couldn't remember it. I stood there looking frantically from the rock to the wall. I had to have the last word….

"Hurry up, will ya?" Sasuke said. "Before someone else comes."

"Fine!" I burst in frustration. I couldn't collect my thoughts. Hastily, I scribbled, "OBITO LIVES!"

I read it back, and a peace swept over me. It made zero sense to me at the time, but some weird subconscious force in me had known that was the right thing to write.

"Who the hell is Obito?" asked Sasuke, picking me up again.

"Only the best Uchiha ever," I said. "You wouldn't understand."

It turned out Sasuke was legit interested in what had happened to me. I got him up to speed on the basic plot line. He was pretty jealous that Madara was my grandpa.

"I thought you were just calling him grandpa as a joke," Sasuke said.

"Nope," I said. "Confirmed actual grandpa. He remembered my grandma. It's real."

"And your dad really didn't know, huh? That's wild," he said.

"Oh, you should have been there when I got these things," I said, pointing to my eyes. "It was a trip."

What was also a trip was Sasuke and me actually being friendly to each other. I still hated his guts, but we did have a common history together, so it was surprisingly easy to be civil to each other.

"Well, now that you're officially an Uchiha," he said, "I think it's time you knew the truth about us."

"Oh?" I said. Another dramatic truth talk? I wasn't sure I could handle it, but it was weird how Sasuke suddenly wanted to open up to me, so I humored him. "Okay. What is this truth?"

"You know the story about my brother?" he asked.

"Of course I do," I said. I flashed back to the hospital, and young Sasuke screaming in his sleep. I shuddered.

"You know why he did it?" he asked.

"Uhh…," I stammered. "No. Do you?" He nodded. "I had always just accepted that he was crazy," I said.

"That is how it appears," he said. "But no. The Hidden Leaf ordered him to kill us."

I wanted to slap him. "That's ridiculous," I said. "Sounds like a conspiracy theory."

"No, it's true," he said. "I was too young to know what was actually going on. The Uchiha were planning to overthrow the Hokage, so Lord Danzo from ANBU ordered Itachi to slaughter us."

"Okay, back up," I said, processing. "The Uchiha were planning to overthrow the Hokage? That part, I believe, but why?"

He scoffed. "Why are you so quick to believe that, but you can't accept the rest? You're prejudiced against your own blood."

"I haven't exactly had any positive Uchiha role models in my life," I countered. "So yeah. I'm a little prejudiced."

"You're brainwashed like the rest of them," he said. "The Uchiha were being oppressed since the Hidden Leaf was founded."

"How?"

"Well, it started with Madara. He fought Hashirama Senju for control of the Hidden Leaf at its conception and lost. Since then, the Uchiha were constantly observed and never trusted. The Senju and Uchiha were bitter rivals since as long as anyone could remember."

"But they made the village together. There had to be some trust there."

"Hashirama and Madara became friends on paper, but they never fully trusted each other. Even after forming the Hidden Leaf, the Senju were worried about the Uchiha uprising."

"Well, with good reason, evidently, because you're telling me that's exactly what you guys were doing."

"But we wouldn't have done it if the Uchiha had been given an equal footing in the village!"

"But…," I stammered. My head hurt. This didn't make sense.

"You couldn't see it because you weren't brought up in a shinobi household. Clan rivalry runs deep."

"So…Itachi betrayed the Uchiha?"

"Yeah," said Sasuke. "Must be a hero to you, huh?"

"No!" I shouted. "That's fucked up. Say...did you really…?"

"Yes," he said, "I killed him."

"No way!" I exclaimed. I wanted to hug him, but stopped myself.

"I also killed Lord Danzo," he said.

I got chills. "That's...amazing."

"Danzo tortured my brother mentally," said Sasuke, "and he infused sharingan into his arm to make himself more powerful."

"Whaaaaatttt," I said. My mind was being fucked in every direction right now. "Why wouldn't Itachi...did he really do it?"

"Huh?"

"Did Itachi really do it, or did they just make it _look_ like he did it?"

Sasuke paused. "No, he really did it. I watched him behead my parents." I had no words. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hug Sasuke. But in the end, I was just numb. "He ultimately chose the Village over the clan," said Sasuke. "But to cover up what they did, he had to go into exile."

"That's fucked up," I said.

"So, what do you think, now?" asked Sasuke.

"I think it sucks," I said. "It's wrong. All of it. I...I get why he felt he needed to do it. But it's wrong. I can't justify it. Murdering an entire clan, it's insane."

"It prevented a civil war," said Sasuke.

"I will never be persuaded by 'the ends justify the means,'" I said. "Clanicide is wrong. Period. I feel sick."

"Interesting," said Sasuke.

"What's interesting?"

"I just thought you'd take his side, is all," said Sasuke. "You're full of surprises, Saki Kureji."

"Don't get too excited," I said. "I don't approve of _either_ side. So, you killed Itachi, you killed Danzo, now what?"

"I want to destroy the Hidden Leaf," he said.

"Ummm...what?! Why? Haven't you gotten the two people responsible? Why is that not enough?" It was so crazy I didn't fully believe him.

"The Hidden Leaf oppressed the Uchiha since the beginning," he repeated. "No. It's not set right until I destroy the village that destroyed my clan."

"Alright," I said suddenly, "kill me."

"Huh?"

"Right now. I'm from the Hidden Leaf. I don't intend to change that. Why don't you kill me?"

"Because…," he stammered, "because you're also an Uchiha."

"Oh," I said, "you want to repopulate your clan with me? I'm supposed to pop out an army of sharingan babies?"

"WHAT? No!"

"I'm kidding," I said. "Ew. But for real though. Why are you taking me back to a village you intend to destroy? That doesn't make sense." I could see he was struggling to respond. "You're having doubts. You're a rebel without a cause. You realize deep down that you won't feel any more satisfied whether the Leaf stands or falls. You've just become addicted to power at this point. So you take out the Leaf. You're going to crave something bigger and better after that. Gonna take down the entire Land of Fire? Why not murder the world?"

"Maybe I will!"

"Cut the crap, Sasuke. You're done."

"Shut up," he fumed.

"No," I said. "You always push people away. People who could help you. People who, despite all your best efforts to be unlovable, care about you."

"Now you cut the crap!" he said. "You don't care about me. Nobody ever cared about me. They just want me to fall into their little line and be their good little soldier. Well, I won't." I laughed involuntarily. "What's funny?"

"I was just thinking," I said, "that neither of us wanted to be what we were told we were supposed to be, simply because that's what we were told."

"Hm," he said, smiling slightly.

"But you're fucking wrong that nobody cared about you. I can name at least three people who still care about you. Maybe four now."

We continued on in silence, walking through a couple of deserted towns, which gave me the serious creeps. I wondered what had happened to the people who used to live there, and my mind traveled to my family. I just wanted to get home so I wouldn't have to hang around this asshole anymore.

Some more Zetsus found us, and Sasuke took them out with that big-purple-thing jutsu. That thing was scary.

"What is that?" I asked when we started walking again.

"What?" he said.

"You know," I said. "That big purple guy jutsu."

"Oh, that," he said. "It's call Susanoo. It's an advanced Uchiha jutsu."

"I want one," I said. "That's badass."

"Well, you can't," he said. "You have to have a Mangekyo sharingan to get it. And to get that, you have to kill your best friend. Besides, you don't have enough chakra."

"That's fucked up," I said. "What, did you get it after you killed Orochimaru?"

"No," he said. "I got it from Itachi. These are Itachi's eyes."

"Oh," I said. My ability to accept ridiculous statements was increasing exponentially.

"Saki," he said, looking at a flock of ravens in the distance, "I need you to stay here."

"Ummm...no?" I said. "You're stuck with me, bro. I'll die on my own."

"Where I'm going, you have a much greater chance of dying."

"I'd rather be in a dangerous place with a shinobi than on my own without one. Even an emo piece of shit like you. You made the choice to free me, so now you're responsible for me until we get to the Hidden Leaf. Sorry."

He sighed, bit his thumb and pressed it to the ground. "Summoning jutsu!" he said, and a giant snake appeared. "I think this will keep you safe."

I nodded, eyes wide. "Yep. That'll do." I followed him until he went into a cave. I hung out with Mr. Hissy (not his real name, I'm sure, but that's what I called him in my head) in a tree next to the cave, and we heard all kinds of ruckus coming from the cave. What the fuck was going on in there? "So," I said to the snake, "how'd you get mixed up with that guy?" The snake glared at me and continued coiling around the branches nonchalantly. "Good talk, good talk," I said. I fell asleep on the snake, then was abruptly awakened when the snake poofed away. My face hit the bark of the branch, and I almost fell off completely. "What the…?" I stammered, then looked around. "Oh, motherfucker! MR. HISSY!" I shouted, but the forest was silent.

I looked towards the cave. It was quiet. I heard Yamato's voice in my head, telling me to stay in the ducking tree, but I didn't. I was more afraid of being alone than seeing whatever was in that cave.

I tiptoed inside, and there was no fighting. Sasuke had his back to me, and I crouched down behind a stalagmite and watched. There were two other people there. One was a tall, dark haired guy, and the other was...uhhh, I'm not sure what it was. It didn't look human. It had scaly grey skin and horns sticking out of its white hair, and the dark-haired guy was instructing it to weave signs. Sasuke was asserting his resolve to destroy Konoha, and then I realized that this other person was his big brother, Itachi.

Itachi started glowing, and told Sasuke that he wanted to share the entire truth of what had happened when he slaughtered the Uchiha. I quickly realized that I was not supposed to be here, but I was in such awe of what I was witnessing that I couldn't look away. Itachi cast a genjutsu to show Sasuke first hand what had happened, and I got hit with it, too. My mind was filled with images. I saw Itachi get a new sharingan from his friend. I saw Itachi being instructed from Danzo to kill the Uchiha, and to _spare_ Sasuke. I saw Itachi beheading his parents, who asserted even then that they were proud of him.

When the images stopped, tears were pouring out of me. I buried my head against the stalagmite to try to regain composure. I heard Itachi say, "You don't have to forgive me, but no matter what, I will love you always."

I fucking lost it. I started wailing. I hadn't cried that hard for anything in my life. When I heard about the Fourth Great Ninja War, I had cried a lot, but it was a slow and constant cry. This was a rip-my-heart-out kind of cry. Next thing I knew, Sasuke was looming over me yelling, "WHY ARE YOU HERE? I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUTSIDE! YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE HERE!"

"The-*sniff*-snake-*sniff*-disappeared-*sniff*-and-I-got-*sniff*-scared. So I came looking for you!" I had never felt more like a helpless toddler.

"You are an IDIOT! Why did I ever think freeing you was a good idea?" Sasuke fumed. He picked me up off the ground, and I pulled him into a bear hug. "What…," he stammered, "what are you doing?"

"Shhh…," I cooed, burying my head in his shoulder. "Just let it go."

"Let what go?" he said. "Get off me."

"No," I said. "I'm not letting you push me away. You're stuck with me, brother."

"I'm not your brother."

"We are Uchiha. We're in this together."

"You are not…," he started. I felt his muscles tensing. "You don't know anything, you hear?! Just because you have a stupid sharingan, doesn't mean you know how I feel!"

"No," I admitted, "I don't. But I know you can't live like this. You don't want to live like this."

"Shut up," he said. "Let me go."

"If you really wanted me to let you go, you could overpower me at any time. Why did you free me, Sasuke?"

"Because," he said weakly, "because…I don't know!"

"I haven't lived through what you lived through, but we both share the blood of Madara. You are not alone."

"Stop it."

"You are not alone," I repeated.

"SHUT UP!" He pushed me away, breathing heavily. Then he collapsed to his knees as if a giant weight was on his shoulders, and he sobbed.

"That's it," I whispered, massaging his shoulders. "Let it go."


	18. Twisted

I sat beside Sasuke while he wept, not saying anything. He kept whispering questions like, "What is a clan?" and "What is a shinobi?" and "What am I?" Then, the top of the cave busted in, and two more guys joined our party.

"Sasuke! We found you!" said the first guy. He had white hair and sharp, pointed teeth. The other guy didn't say anything, but he had orange hair sticking straight up on top of his head and songbirds sitting on his shoulders. It was a strange picture, because he was a pretty big, imposing person.

Sasuke didn't look too enthused to see them. To be fair, though, he never looked enthused about anything. I hung back and watched them interact. Sasuke informed them that Itachi had released the reanimation jutsu, whatever that meant. White studied the now frozen scaly grey guy, poked at the snake sticking out of his stomach and made a dick joke. I liked White already. Then, White gave Sasuke a scroll and claimed it had some amazing secret inside it. After some nonsensical discussion, Sasuke announced that he wanted to revive Orochimaru.

"BRRRRUUUHHHH!" I exclaimed, making my presence known to the others.

"Ohhhh," said White, "I didn't realize you had a girl down here, Sasuke. Sorry to interrupt."

Well, I guess it was time to meet the gang. "Oh ew, it's not like that. Hi. I'm Saki Kureji-Uchiha."

The new guys let out a slight gasp. "You have a sister?" said White. "You didn't tell us you had a sister! She's cute, too."

I was going to correct White when Sasuke said, "You keep your eyes off my sister!"

I stepped back. I knew I had broken Sasuke a little bit, but to call me his sister? That was like, a total 180. What the hell was going on in his head?

"How'd she get here?" asked Orange.

"It's complicated," I said. "Really complicated. We'll fill you in later. I want to go back to this Orochimaru thing. Brrrruuuhhhhh, what the fuck?"

"I need answers. Orochimaru can supply those answers," said Sasuke simply.

"What answers? Why Orochimaru?" said White. White then went on a big rant about what a bad idea this was, and how Sasuke was a pain in the ass, while I stood beside him, nodding.

"I don't understand a thing about what's going on, but, what he said," I said. Sasuke told us to shut up, and we commiserated.

Orange found an unconscious woman on the ground, and what I saw next, I will never be able to unsee. Sasuke ordered Orange, whose name was Jugo, to take a chunk of Grey Scaly's flesh off his body, and Jugo agreed. Sasuke took the flesh and put it on the unconscious woman's neck, weaved some signs, and a snake slithered out of her neck. At this point White, whose name I gathered was Suigetsu, and I grabbed each other. The snake opened its mouth, and an androgynous looking person appeared.

"That's Orochimaru?" I whispered to Suigetsu.

"Yeah," Suigetsu responded.

In my head, Orochimaru had been an ugly old man, not a skinny, long-haired, feminine guy. When he was talking to Sasuke, he said, "I want your body," and Suigetsu and I both giggled inappropriately.

Orochimaru turned to us. "I see you've found a woman," he said to Suigetsu.

"Ugh, why is it automatically assumed that I'm someone's girlfriend?" I asked. "I'm Madara Uchiha's granddaughter, ya fool."

"Oh shit," said Suigetsu, abandoning me to hide behind Grey Scaly, whom I had figured out was called Kabuto.

"Don't be afraid," said Sasuke. "She's a quarter-chak. She can't hurt you."

"You fucker," I said. "I hate you."

"Madara Uchiha's granddaughter?" asked Orochimaru. "Impossible!"

"Possible," I said.

"No, it's not," said Orochimaru.

"You just came out of a snake that came out of a woman's neck," I said. "Why is that possible, but Madara coming back from the dead and knocking up a prostitute not possible?"

"Well," Orochimaru said with a creepy giggle, "okay then. That is a fun little factoid, although in the grand scheme of things, quite insignificant." He patted me on the head, and I thought my hair was going to jump out of my scalp to get away from him. How did one get to be that creepy?

He was touching Kabuto now, taking chakra from him. That's when I remembered Sakura and Naruto talking about Kabuto from way back when they had taken the Chunin Exams, and then again from their first mission with Sai. If you had told me then that one day I would be here, I would have laughed you out of Konoha.

When Orochimaru told Sasuke he knew how to get the answers Sasuke wanted, and that we should follow him, I can't believe my feet followed. But what choice did I have? I had teased Sasuke about being stuck with me, but I was just as stuck with him. And if I was being honest, I was kinda loving this, in a weird twisted way. I couldn't wait to see what fucked up thing was going to happen next.

We came back to Konoha, to a weird broken down shack out at the edge of town. Apparently it had once belonged to the Uzumakis, back when there were a bunch of Uzumakis. Inside there was a wall of masks. One funny thing about me: I hate masks. Something about fake faces gave me the creeps. So when Suigetsu whispered to me, "That's the death god mask," I felt doubly creeped out.

"Dude," I whispered back. "My house is here. Wanna ditch these fucks, steal some booze, and hang?" Suigetsu and I had become fast friends on our little excursion together.

"Nah," he said. "We'll have plenty of time for that later. How often do you get to witness a four Kage reanimation?"

"Is that what we're doing?" I asked. "Why would we do that?"

"Who knows?" said Suigetsu. "I kinda stopped asking questions when it comes to Sasuke."

"Alright, I'll stay," I agreed. We really were kindred spirits. Just along for the ride, up for anything.

We left the Uzumaki shrine and headed more inward. We all had black cloaks on, but I realized it was mainly for Sasuke and Orochimaru to be able to hide their faces. Those two wouldn't exactly receive a warm welcome if they were recognized.

When we reached the busy part of the city, Sasuke pulled me aside and took me up to the roof of a tall building where we could overlook the entire village. The Hokage Face Mountain stared back at us, judging.

"It's changed a lot, hasn't it?" he asked.

"Well, we kinda had to rebuild it twice," I said. "So yeah. It changed a bit."

"Where do you live?" he asked.

I pointed to the east. "You can't really see it from here," I said. "It's just a two-story. My parents moved out, so it's just me and Sakura, and then Naruto lives below us."

"You want me to take you?" he asked.

I shook my head. "You're stuck with me, bro. Me, Suigetsu, Jugo, we're all gonna see this thing through with you."

"And if I decide to destroy it?" he asked.

"Well, then naturally I'll hate your guts eternally," I said nonchalantly. "I'll come back as a ghost and haunt the living shit out of you."

"What is it about this place that you like so much?" he asked.

"It's not the place," I said. "It's the people. By all means, burn the fucking place to the ground. But touch one fucking hair on my friends' heads, I'll murder you, or I'll die trying."

He smiled slightly. "You sound just like Naruto."

"Nah," I said. "Naruto doesn't do the revenge thing. That's an us thing." This time he chuckled, and I put an arm around him. "You should do that more often."

"What?"

"Smile. Laugh."

"I don't have much to smile or laugh about."

"You could," I said. "I'll be the first to admit it's a twisted, fucked up world we live in, with mountains of bullshit. But there are some incredible people out there. And I'll pick them, in this stupid world, every time."

He was quiet for a while. Then he said, "I'm glad I freed you, Saki."

"Me too," I said. "Shit was getting boring."

"Are you ready for this?" he asked.

I looked him dead in the eyes. "Are _you_ ready for this?"

* * *

I walked next to Sasuke as we travelled to the abandoned Uchiha district. That was heavy. I knew that everywhere he looked, he was seeing the ghost of his old, happy life that had been ripped away from him. Had we been alone, I would have told him he should stop and have a good cry, but I knew he would never do that in the presence of his...were they friends? I guess, in a weird way, yes. Friends.

Sasuke pushed aside a big stone, and we went underground to a secret room. This must have been the place Madara had talked about with the stone tablets that describe the Infinite Tsukuyomi. I had never felt more out of place and more in the right place at the same time.

Then things started to get weird. Orochimaru put on the mask, and a Demon Ghost Shinobi appeared. Then the Demon sliced Orochimaru's stomach, and he started convulsing in a really non-human manner. Suigetsu and I huddled together, terrified.

Jugo touched Sasuke and de-aged into a kid. That was a pretty sweet power. I'm sure my grandma would abuse that if she could, I thought. Five White Zetsu came out of Sasuke, and Orochimaru weaved some signs before snaking himself into one of the Zetsus. The other four Zetsus turned into the four dead Hokage of the Hidden Leaf: Hashirama and Tobirama Senju, Hiruzen Sarutobi, and my favorite, Minato Namikaze. I dropped to my knees in reverence.

The Kage were rightfully pissed about being summoned from the dead by such an icky person, but Orochimaru assured them that this was for Sasuke's benefit. Sasuke wasted no time in asking Hiruzen about Itachi, and Hiruzen basically confirmed what we already knew in that department.

The interview with Tobirama was interesting. Tobirama was Hashirama's little brother, and was not as forgiving as Hashirama had been when it came to the Uchihas. He said a really interesting thing about the Uchihas, though. He said that everyone had this notion that the Uchihas were driven by hatred, but that was actually incorrect. Uchihas don't hate more than other clans, but they love more violently. I got chills, because Jiraiya had said the same thing about me before I even knew I was an Uchiha.

Hashirama told us about how he met Madara and how their friendship turned to the creation of the Hidden Leaf. Madara and Hashirama had been friends as kids, and then they grew up to become the leaders of their rival clans. Hashirama wanted peace, and of course, Madara wanted war. It wasn't until Hashirama almost committed suicide that Madara agreed to a truce. What a dick. But when Konoha was established, Hashirama still wanted to make Madara the leader. It was only the pressure from everyone else that prevented Madara from being the first Hokage. This kinda pissed me off, because if Madara had been first Hokage, a lot of the weird tension with the Uchihas wouldn't have been there, and then maybe that whole Itachi thing wouldn't have had to happen.

So everyone finished talking, and Sasuke started opening up about his feelings about Itachi and the Uchihas and everything, which lead to each of the Kage discussing the good, the bad and the ugly about the Uchihas and the ways in which each Kage had added to the tension that had created this present situation. It was sad, but I could tell it was therapeutic for each of them. When Minato blamed himself for failing to protect the village from the Nine-Tails, though, couldn't hold my tongue.

"May I please say something?" I asked, raising my hand. All eyes fell on me, and hearing no protests, I proceeded. "Hi. My name is Saki-Kureji Uchiha. Madara is my grandfather." Appropriate gasps and murmurs here. "Or at least, someone claiming to be Madara in a mask is my grandfather. I'm not sure anymore. But I am an Uchiha, despite growing up as a nonchak." More gasps and murmurs. "No, it's fine, I embrace the term. Look. When I found out I was descended from the Uchihas, and a member of the Akatsuki, nonetheless, I was less than enthused. I had grown up hating the Uchihas because of Itachi and then Sasuke. I hated you, Sasuke."

"You might have mentioned that before," Sasuke said with a slight smile.

"Yeah, I don't exactly hide what I'm feeling. Guess it runs in the family." Everyone laughed. "At least, I didn't until I learned I was an Uchiha. I was...ashamed. So I buried my feelings in jokes and immersing myself in my friends' crazy lives. Staying busy, you know? Sasuke, we're kinda alike in that respect. I distract myself with people, and act overly happy and cool when I'm upset. You curl up into a little ball. Then run away and try to kill people. To-may-to, to-mah-to. It comes from the same place. But then the war started, and I was separated from a lot of the things that kept me sane. I was dealing with way too much shit, and I had to confront it. But thankfully I had one friend with me. One amazing friend. He's like a brother to me. And he told me everyone has both good and bad inside them. Nobody is born destined to be good or bad, because it's not our clans or our villages that make us who we are. It's our choices. We choose who we want to be." I put my hand on Sasuke's shoulder. "So forget the past. Forget our ancestors. Forget who we think we're supposed to be based on some arbitrary name. What's done is done. That can't be changed. You all did what made the most sense to you at the time. All that matters now is what happens next."

Hiruzen smiled and said, "If the young leafs of the village have such wisdom, then we must have done something right."

"For the record, that friend was Naruto Uzumaki. He brought me out of a really dark place, and I would stake my life that he's going to bring the world out of this dark place. Lord Fourth Hokage, you most definitely did _not_ screw up."

"Thank you, Saki," said Minato.

"Alright, Sasuke," said Orochimaru. "What are you going to do?"

* * *

Wow. Every time I thought I'd witnessed the coolest thing possible, I witnessed a new cool thing. This one, though. This one really takes the cake.

I stood on the Hokage Mountain with them as they all resolved to join the battlefield. I wanted so desperately to go with them, but I knew that was suicide. My place was here now. I think it might have been here all along.

Suigetsu wanted to stay with me, but I told him if he didn't go, it would be a deal-breaker on our friendship. He filled me in on this Karin chick that popped up out of nowhere. She was, to say the least, unhealthily obsessed with Sasuke. Even Sakura wouldn't still be hung up on a guy who had basically killed her.

"Pssh," I said, observing Karin fawning over Sasuke. "She can save her breath. She doesn't have a chance with him."


	19. Reunion

I walked into the empty squad house, laid down in my bed, and had a very well-deserved sleep. When I woke up the next day, Kiba was laying beside me.

"Kiba?" I murmured. We were laying in a giant canopy bed, in the middle of a huge room, full of incense and bookshelves.

"My beautiful woman," he said, pulling me into a knee-buckling kiss, followed by the best sex of my life.

Six hours later, we got dressed in luxurious silk clothes. There was a knock on the door. "Sharingan Sorceress?"

"Come in," Kiba and I said together.

Kakashi entered, wearing only a loincloth, carrying a tray with an omelette, honey cookies, and a bottle of wine. A fluffy brown puppy was following him.

"Sharingan Sorceress," said Kakashi, "I have brought your breakfast, your morning wine, and your daily puppy."

"Thank you, Kakashi," I said. "You may put it on the bed."

"Let me know when you are ready for your daily massage. Iruka is also ready with your bubble bath," he said.

"Thank you, Kakashi," I said, pouring the wine for myself and Kiba. The brown puppy knocked the glass out of my hand, spilling red wine all over the white bedspread. Kiba and Kakashi gasped. I raised my hand to silence them. "Never fear!" I said, and then I weaved some signs. "CLEANING JUTSU!"

The wine stain disappeared. "Ohhh, Sharingan Sorceress," gushed Kakashi, "you are the most desirable woman ever."

"Thank you, Kakashi, that is enough," said Kiba.

"No fear, Lord Inuzuka. I am content to merely serve her and linger in her presence. Sharingan Sorceress, Jiraiya has completed his next novel in his series _The Incredible Sharingan Sorceress and Her Fantastic Inuzuka Lover,_ " said Kakashi.

"Excellent," I said. "You may place it on the shelf with the others."

"Also, Lord Hokage Uzumaki requests your presence at the capitol so that he can follow your advice on every issue in the history of the shinobi world," said Kakashi.

"Yes, of course," I said. "Tell Lord Naru-bro that I will be there immediately following my bubble bath."

"As you wish, Sharingan Sorceress."

* * *

Iruka, also wearing nothing but a loincloth, carried me down the steps of my mansion and placed me into a litter. The brown puppy hopped onto my lap.

"Sharingan Sorceress," said Iruka, "may I kiss your hand?"

"You may," I said, and he did.

"Sharingan Sorceress," said Kakashi, "may I kiss your cheek?"

"You may," I said, and he did.

"We are so lucky to serve the Most Desirable Woman in the World," declared Iruka.

"Indeed," said Kakashi. "Sharingan Sorceress, I have brought your lunch and your afternoon wine."

"Thank you, Kakashi. What has Master Chef Ichiraku prepared today?"

"Lobster ramen," he said, presenting me with a bowl, a glass of white wine, and a rose.

Rock Lee burst through the doors. "Saki Kureji-Uchiha-Inuzuka! Rogue ninja are attempting to steal the Inuzuka's prize pedigrees!"

"NOT THE DOGS!" Kakashi and Iruka shouted together. "Shall we get our clothes and kick their asses, Sharingan Sorceress?"

"That won't be necessary," said Lee.

"Kakashi, inform Lord Naru-bro that I will be late for our meeting," I said, standing up and brushing off my skirt.

"Sharingan Sorceress, are you sure?" said Iruka, in a hushed voice.

"Surely there isn't a need for _that_ to handle only a couple of rogues," said Kakashi. "Please, let us handle it."

"They may only be rogues," I said, sharingan blazing, "but nobody hurts a dog without feeling my wrath."

"Ready, Saki?" asked Lee.

"Ready, Lee!" I answered, jumping onto his back.

"QUARTER-CHAK POWER UNLEASH!" shouted Lee.

"PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF THE HIDDEN LEAF'S DYNAMIC DUO!" I exclaimed.

"THE HANDSOME DEVIL..!"

"THE SHARINGAN SORCERESS...!"

"FORMATION: SAK LEE!" we ended together, and then Lee whooshed us out the door.

Two masked female ninjas, a blonde and a ginger, were dragging dogs out of doghouses and stuffing them into a big cartoony bag. Lasers shot out of my eyes and busted open the bag, freeing the captured dogs.

"Ohh NO! Not Sak Lee!" shouted the blonde.

"Surrender now, pathetic bitches!" I declared. "Or we will be forced to use-" I pulled a flask out of my garter. "-THIS!"

They gasped.

"Not that! Anything but that!" begged the ginger.

"We'll go! We're sorry!" the blonde whimpered.

"Show yourselves, then," I ordered, "or the boy gets the booze."

The rogues looked at each other and sighed. They took off their masks, revealing themselves to be Ino and Karin. They got on their knees.

"We were jealous of you, Lady Inuzuka," said Karin.

"You have are the Most Desirable Woman in the World," said Ino.

"You have the hottest servants," said Karin.

"And your husband is the greatest lover in the world, and he has only ever lain with you," said Ino.

"And everybody wants to be your friend," said Karin.

"And follows all of your advice," said Ino.

"WE'RE NOT WORTHY! WE'RE NOT WORTHY!" they chanted, bowing.

"Be gone with you," I said. "You are insignificant in this story." And they were gone.

* * *

Kakashi and Iruka carried me to the capitol, where Naruto followed my advice and stopped a fifth world war. The sun was setting, and outside of the capitol, a shirtless Neji Hyuga was doing tai-chi in a gentle breeze.

"Sharingan Sorceress," said Kakashi, "you and Lord Inuzuka have been invited to dine with the Uchiha."

"Splendid," I said. "Inform Bae that I will meet him at the Great Hall of the Uchiha."

They carried me to the Uchiha district, which was busting with life. We went to the central mansion, where my grandma, sans wheelchair, greeted us, arm-in-arm with Madara, sans Akatsuki robe, although still in a mask.

"Princess!" Grandma said, kissing me on my cheeks.

"Good to see you, Granddaughter," said Madara, hugging me.

We sat down at a giant round table, and everyone was happy and laughing and drinking: me, Kiba, Grandma, Madara, Mom, Dad, Sakura, Sasuke, and Itachi. Kakashi, Iruka, and Suigetsu joined us as well.

"A toast," said Madara, "to our great clan."

"To peace," said Itachi.

"To love and friendship," said Sasuke.

"To my family," I said. "I love you all."

We clinked glasses, and suddenly, I was floating in an expanse of blue and white, like I was in the sky. In front of me stood a boy with a blue and orange jacket and short, dark hair.

"Saki," he said. "My name is Obito Uchiha."

I looked around at my surroundings, then pinched myself, then touched Obito. He _felt_ real. "I'm sorry," I said. "Did I smoke something I don't know about? Was I drugged?"

"Not quite," he said, laughing. "You were in the Infinite Tsukuyomi."

"Oh," I said, and then I thought about it, and of course I was. But everything had felt completely real and normal when I was there. Poor Kakashi and Iruka, I thought. "So the Akatsuki won," I said tentatively.

"Not yet, not completely," he said. "Your friends are fighting valiantly. I suspect it will be decided soon, and I suspect it will be in our favor."

"So where am I now? Is this Tsukuyomi too?"

"No. I have freed you from that. This is the spirit world."

"Okay…," I said. "Why would you bring me here? You don't even know me."

He hung his head. "Actually...I do." His voice cracked, and he said, "You knew me by another name." He looked up at me, and his eyes were full of pain. "You might need to sit down for this."

" _Can_ I sit down?" I asked. But that was a silly question. If I could stand, of course I could sit. So I sat, and Obito sat.

"I'm not sure where to begin," he said.

The dots in my head were starting to connect, and I knew where this was going, but I was afraid to say it, because I didn't want it to be true. "Begin at the beginning," I said.

He took a deep breath. "The beginning. I guess the beginning would be, I was on a mission with Kakashi and Rin, and I died, and I gave Kakashi my sharingan." He paused. "Only, I didn't die."

"Okay," I said. "How?"

"White Zetsu," he said. "And Madara Uchiha."

Now I was confused. "So...Madara _is_ alive?"

"Here," he said, reaching out. "Let me show you." He touched my forehead, and my mind was flooded with images. I saw Obito, half-crushed by the giant boulder, and I saw Madara Uchiha, attached to a tree, living underground with the Zetsus. I saw the White Zetsu attach to Obito and repair his body, in a sense. Then I was back with Obito in the spirit world. "Madara needed someone to help him with his Infinite Tsukuyomi, and since I had been presumed dead, I was a prime candidate. I became his puppet, and I started the Akatsuki for him, and I released the Nine-Tails on Konoha in a failed attempt to capture it for him. But before I did that, I...met your grandmother."

"Tada…," I said, though not happily. My heart was broken. My hero Uchiha had turned out to be just another villain. Same old story, over and over again. Spoiler alert.

"I'm sorry, Saki," he said. "You must be very disappointed."

"Why," I said. "Why would you do that? How could you turn your back on your village like that?"

"I had nothing left to live for," he said. "I saw Kakashi kill Rin. I found out too late that it was a mistake, that Rin had sacrificed herself to save the village. I didn't want to live in a world where that could happen. So I agreed to help Madara."

"Okay," I said. "So you started the Akatsuki and started the war. How does the real Madara fit into this?"

"Madara had only a half life when I met him underground," he said. "He was being sustained by the Gedo Statue."

"The what?"

"The Gedo Statue. You might know it as the Divine Tree."

"OHHHH!" I exclaimed. "The Space Chakra Tree!"

"Sure," he said. "My role in this was to restore the Divine Tree, then revive Madara to full life."

"And then what?" I asked. "So you bring Madara back to life, and the Infinite Tsukuyomi happens. What's in it for you?"

"I get to be with Rin again," he said.

I was speechless for a second. "Seriously?" I said. "All this for a girl?"

"Not just any girl," he said. "The best girl."

"It doesn't make it any less insane," I said. It was at that moment when I realized why Obito was appearing to me as a boy. He had never really grown up. He had lived, but his mind and soul had been frozen in that moment the boulder crushed him. I felt tears well up in my eye. This wasn't an evil person. This was a confused child.

Obito reached out his hand again. "I want to show you what happened during the war." I took his hand, and I saw Madara betray Obito, and I saw Obito become the Ten-Tails Jinchuuriki. I saw the Tsukuyomi take shape. I saw Naruto and Sasuke fight Obito, and Obito protecting Naruto from Madara. I saw Obito fighting alongside Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke to defeat Alien Shinobi Godmother. Finally, I saw Obito die saving Naruto and Kakashi from her. He released me back to the spirit world. "So that's the full story. At least, all that I'm in. The rest is up to your friends," he said.

"Grandfather," I said, pulling him into a hug. "Thank you."

"Thank me? For what?"

"For saving my friends," I said, "and for showing me this. I am proud to call you my grandfather."

"I'm sorry it had to be like this," he said. "I'm sorry for not being the grandfather you deserve, and making your life, and everyone else's lives miserable. I know nothing I can do can make up for it."

"Obito Uchiha," I said, tears streaming down my face, "you are the best Uchiha."

"If that's true, then that is depressing," he said.

"Okay, it's not true," I said. "It goes me, then you."

"I can live with that," he said. "Well...I mean…."

"Obito!" called a girl's voice. "Obito, are you done?"

Obito's face lit up. He took my hand. "Come on," he said. "I want you to meet someone." I followed him, and we found a girl with big brown eyes, dark hair, and purple stripes on her cheeks. I knew who she had to be, but I waited politely for Obito to formally introduce us. "Saki, this is Rin," he said. "Rin, this is my granddaughter."

"Ohhhh," said Rin, "she is beautiful!"

"Thank you," I said. "So you're the little lady that started this big war?"

She blushed and hung her head. She was stupidly cute, and they were stupidly cute as a couple.

"Saki, I am so sorry," said Obito.

"It's…," I started. Was it fine? Not really. Not in the slightest was everything fine. But, everything made sense. I said, "I forgive you, Obito. A thousand times I forgive you."

"I am proud of you," he said. "Cherish your friends and your family." He took my hand. "We will be watching over you, Saki. We will be watching over all of you."

When I woke up again in the my regular bed in squad house, my body felt like it was burning.

I returned the hospital, and rumors abounded about the war ending. I don't think anyone even knew they had been inside a genjutsu for days on end. All we knew was that the shinobi were coming home, and we would be plenty busy when they did. I realized, though, that I had some time before that happened. So after work, I put on my Leaf vest and walked out of Konoha to the neighboring village. The people stared at me like I was an alien as I walked past. My vest made me stick out like a sore thumb, and I wondered if maybe I should have left it at home. "I'm just like you!" I wanted to shout at the gawkers. "I'm not going to cause any problems, I promise!"

Of course that was also a lie. I wasn't just like them, and I couldn't promise not to cause problems. If there did happen to be any enemies, they'd want to take me out first, because I looked like a ninja. I was okay with that.

I instinctively went to the ramen shop because I associated good things with Ichiraku. It wasn't Ichiraku, obviously, but the man behind the counter was friendly nonetheless. He gave me a free cup of ramen and pointed me in the direction I wanted to go.

My parents' house was a cottage out in the country, nothing like where they had lived in Konoha. There were vineyards behind it, and the lawn was manicured with flowers throughout. There was a bird feeder on the front porch. It was a nonchak paradise, and I was a little jealous. This was the life I'd rejected before I even realized I was making a choice.

I knocked on the door. My stepdad opened it, and he looked at me like I was a ghost. To be fair, I probably looked like one. I had been doing a lot of walking around and not as much eating recently, topped off with being a POW. I hadn't put on any make-up before I left this morning. It just didn't seem important.

My stepdad hugged me. "Saki…," he whispered.

"PRINCESS!" exclaimed my grandma within.

"What are you…?" my mom muttered, emerging from the kitchen. She screamed when she saw me. Yep, I was a ghost to them.

After I'd been ushered in, showered with hugs and kisses, and presented a cup of hot tea, the questions started.

"So does this mean the war is over?" Mom asked.

"Not sure," I answered honestly. "I just left early."

"Thank goodness," said Mom. "When we got that letter...I'm not going to lie, I wanted to strangle Lady Hokage for letting you go."

"Why'd you leave?" asked Stepdad.

I breathed in. This was going to be a hard story to tell, but I had to tell it. "There was an incident at the medical camp, and I got captured."

Mom screamed. Stepdad grabbed her hand. "She's safe now," he said.

"She's never safe," she scolded. "Saki, please tell me you weren't...did they...hurt you?"

"No," I said. "I was taken because of who I am. There was never any intention of hurting me."

"Who you are?" Mom asked, bewildered. "You're a nurse. What would they want with you?"

For this, I turned to Grandma. "I met Grandfather," I said.

"Is that so?" she asked, interested.

"Grandma," I said. "Mom, Papa Wu...Grandfather is the man who started the war. A man going by the name Madara Uchiha, although it's not the real one. His real name is Obito Uchiha, and he's an incredible person. More on that later. But that's why I was taken. He just...he wanted to meet me."

"So he couldn't have done that any other way?" Mom scoffed in disbelief.

"Well," I said. "He was evil, so…."

"That bastard!" Grandma said. "I knew I should have made him wear a condom. He insisted he could do the Safe Sex Jutsu."

"The more you know," I said.

"So wait," said Mom. "Could they still be after you? Did you get out, or did they let you go?"

"Well," I said, "there's a lot more to the story than that."

Mom whimpered. "The important thing is that you're safe," Papa Wu repeated.

"We're all going to be safe," I said confidently. "The war may not be over, but it's won. The four previous Kage of the Hidden Leaf have joined the battle, as well as Sasuke Uchiha and Orochimaru of the Sannin. And Naruto has tamed his tailed beast. So things are looking very good. Also, Grandfather is on our side now." Most of what I said was gibberish to them, but they nodded as if they were thoroughly convinced.

"So, you'll be going back to the Leaf, then?" asked Mom.

"Of course I will," I said. "But, I can stick around here for a while."

"I'll go get ingredients for cookies," she said. "You know, we never did throw her an engagement party."

"Ohhhh, that's right!" said Grandma. "Let me see this rock!"

"Ummm," I said, "it was a shotgun engagement. I don't have a rock yet. I have fur."

She sighed. "That's so like an Inuzuka. Oh well, I will still give you my books."

Papa Wu made a face and took that as his cue to leave. " _Those_ books. I will be happy to have them out of the house, but I would rather not know they have gone to my daughter."

"As if you haven't stolen a glance at them here and there!" Grandma accused.

* * *

It took a long time to explain everything to my family. I had to make flow charts that stretched across the entire floor that outlined everything that lead up to this war from Shinobi Jesus to Obito to Naruto. When I started expanding to Sasuke and Orochimaru, I think their brains melted out of their heads. Some people just didn't get it.

"How do you keep track of all those names?" Mom asked when I was done. I shrugged. "So which one is your grandpa again?"

"Obito," I said. "Kakashi's sharingan donor."

"Oh, I remember Kakashi," said Mom.

"It is not so complicated," said Grandma. "It is basically the same story over and over. The names and time period changes, but the basic plot is the same."

And just like that, we went back to talking about normal things. Mom was selling her cookies, and Papa Wu was making wine. Grandma was writing memoirs of her life as a Madam in the Hidden Leaf, as well as books of sex tips. I couldn't wait to read them, but I felt that old tug in my soul again, telling me to get out of the house and seek new adventures.

When I returned to Konoha, I bought red and white roses and looked for Obito's grave, the one they'd made when the boulder fell on him. I don't know how long I sat in front of that grave. I cried myself to sleep there.

"Saki…," said a deep voice. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder. "Saki…!"

I sat up, rubbed my eyes, and prayed I hadn't been pulled into another genjutsu or spirit world encounter. Kakashi picked me off the ground and embraced me. I was still in Konoha, beside Obito's grave. This was real.

"Kakashi," I said breathlessly. "You're alive."

"And you're alive," he said.

I blew Obito a kiss. "Thank you, Grandpa."

Kakashi patted me on the back. "Your friends are waiting for you back home."

I had to clap my hands to my face to contain my excitement. "How did you know where to find me?"

"Just a feeling," said Kakashi. "Go on. They're worried about you."

" _They're_ worried about _me_?!" I started running towards home, and then I rushed back to hug Kakashi one more time. "Thank you, Kakashi Sensei!"

"Thank you, Saki. Go, have fun. You've earned it." He winked.

* * *

Naruto and Lee wrapped themselves around me the second I walked through the door.

"SAKI!"

"NARUTO! LEE!"

"SAKI!" said another male voice. I broke free of Dork 1 and Dork 2, and I fell into Suigetsu's arms.

"SUIGETSU! WHAAAAATTT?!"

"I KNOW!" he shouted.

"See! I told you you'd survive. So does this mean…?" I looked over his shoulder, but nobody else was there. "My brother from another mother?" I asked.

"Prison," said Suigetsu.

"Fair," I said. My eyes met Naruto's, and then I noticed something was missing. "Ohmygosh, your arm."

"It's a long story," said Naruto.

"Right," I said, hugging him. "We'll have plenty of time for that. Can we talk about all this booze, though?" There were multiple bottles sitting on the countertop. "I mean, I know we had a couple bottles, but this is ridiculous."

"Cleaning out the war camps was a bit of a free-for-all," said Lee, "so we helped ourselves."

"Rager at Squad House!" Naruto proclaimed, handing me a cup. "To Saki Kureji-Uchiha!"

Dear lord, what had I done to these kids? I raised my cup. "To Obito Uchiha!" We whooped in agreement.

"Hellooo!" said a female voice. Tenten walked through the door, followed by Sai.

"TENTEN!" I shouted. "SAI!"

"SAKI!" Tenten squealed, and we hugged. "I heard you witnessed the four Kage reanimation?!"

"Oh yeah, that was sweet," I said. "Naruto, I met your dad."

"Me too!" he said.

I raised my glass again. "TO MINATO NAMIKAZE!"

"AND KUSHINA UZUMAKI!" he responded.

"Oh boy, this is going to be a long night," said Tenten.

"TO MANGETSU HOZUKI!" shouted Suigetsu. I didn't know who that was, but I clinked cups with him and drank enthusiastically anyways.

"Saki," said Sai, "I heard you had an encounter with a White Zetsu posing as Neji."

"Oh, ew," I said. "Yes, I did. It was awful. But Sakura killed it."

"You know what else is awful?" asked Sai. "The real Neji was also killed."

My jaw dropped. "BRUHHH!" I shouted. "That is NOT how you tell someone that someone died."

He hung his head. "I am sorry. Talking to people is hard. So many rules."

I poured Sai a drink and put an arm around him. "It's alright, bud. You tried. Toast?"

"Oh, yes, I like toast," said Sai. "Do we have toast?"

"No, a toast is something you say to honor someone or something before you drink."

Sai processed. "We should toast to Neji."

"There you go! You're getting it now!" I said. "Repeat after me: TO NEJI HYUGA!"

"TO NEJI HYUGA!" Sai exclaimed.

"TO NEJI HYUGA!" shouted everyone in the room.

The door opened again. "FOOD'S HERE!" shouted a man.

"Is that Choji Akimichi?!" I called. I hadn't hung out with Choji in years, but I knew that voice. "Hey, Choji! Welcome to Squad House! Thanks for bringing food. We're going to need it."

I reached for a slice of the pizza he was carrying, but he yanked it away. "Oh, sorry, this one is mine," he said.

"These are for everyone else," said Ino, walking through the door with multiple boxes. "Hey, Saki."

"Hey, Ino. Good to see you," I said. I kinda meant it.

Two more people walked through the door, and Shikamaru grabbed me by the shoulders. "Saki!" he said. "I heard you got captured?!"

"Yeah!" I said. "It was a drag!"

"What a-" he started, then caught himself. We giggled and hugged. Over his shoulder, I saw Temari of the Sand.

"Woah, woah, woah," I said, leaving Shikamaru. "Temari, what what?!"

"Saki!" she said, hugging me. "How are you doing?"

"I am fantastic! Welcome to Squad House! Are your brothers coming?"

"Oh, no, they've got work to do back home," she said. "But I kept hearing, 'rager at Squad House,' so I told them not to expect me any time soon."

"I knew I liked you," I said. "Yo, Shikamaru, get this girl a drink!"

"Huh?" he said. "Why me?"

"Just do it," I said firmly.

"What a drag."

"YOU'RE A DRAG!" I shouted, and everyone laughed at Shikamaru's expense. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around, and Hinata was at the door. She said something, but I couldn't hear her over everyone else. But I knew what she wanted. "YO, NARUTO, GET THIS GIRL A DRINK!"

"You're out already?!" Naruto asked, but I pushed Hinata towards him, and his face lit up. "Hinata! I'm so glad you came!"

I leaned back to admire my matchmaking skills, but I bumped into another quiet person. "Oh, hey, Shino," I said. He nodded and stepped away from the door. I looked outside. I looked at Shino. I looked outside again. "Shino…?" I asked tentatively, "Where's Kiba?"

"Ummm," he said.

"What do you mean 'ummm'?"

"Ummmmmmm…," he said again.

Panic set in. I grabbed Shino by his oversized collar. "Shino Aburame, don't fuck with me. Where's Kiba?"

There was a knock at the door. I about ripped it off its hinges from throwing it open. Sakura was pushing Kiba in a wheelchair. His entire body was wrapped up bandages. My heart stopped. I looked from Sakura to Kiba, unsure of what to say.

"Saki," said Sakura, "I'm so sorry."

Akamaru barked, and I bent down to pet him. "He's alive. That's what matters."

"His body is very sore," said Sakura. "So be careful. He can't move."

"Okay," I said. I put my hand on Kiba's, and he flinched. Tears welled up in my eyes. I'd been waiting so long to hold him again, and I couldn't.

"Saki," he said. His voice was hoarse. "I might never walk again."

"Okay," I said. "It's okay. We'll be okay."

"And you'll have to feed me."

"Fine," I said.

"And my dick doesn't work."

"Kiba, we can talk about this later. Let's enjoy the party."

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Of course I'm sure. We won, you're alive, everything else is a detail at this point. Come on."

Everyone was watching us and murmuring as we entered the room. Maybe I needed to talk to him outside for a while. This was a big pill to swallow. I turned around, and Kiba leapt out of the wheelchair and embraced me.

"I love you," he said.

My blood boiled. "OH. MY. GOD. WHAT THE FUCK!? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?! YOU…!" I looked into his eyes, flabbergasted. "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE!"

"I love you sooooooo much…!" he said, smothering me.

"OHHHH MY GOD!"

"See?!" Sakura exclaimed. "It's not funny, is it?!"

I stared at her, mouth hanging open. "You!" I shouted, shoving her. "You should know better!"

"It was her idea!" Kiba said, pointing at Sakura.

"I don't know what to do with you guys right now," I said.

"I thought it was funny," said Suigetsu.

A giggle escaped my mouth. "Okay, fine. You got me. Sakura, I've officially corrupted you," I said, pulling her into a hug. I turned to Kiba. "You're still a fucking jerkface," I said, "but you're mine."

"That's the spirit," he said.

"Are we sure this isn't Infinite Tsukuyomi?" I asked. "Because I'm looking at this place right now, and it's exactly the way I want it to be, forever and ever."

* * *

Years passed. Kakashi became Hokage. Sasuke was pardoned and went on a soul-searching journey. After Kiba and I were married, and Sasuke moved into Squad House. He stayed on the bottom level, with Naruto, of course. Sakura was a good girl.

I continued to work at the hospital as a physical therapist, but I started working on some side projects. When I had been travelling with Sasuke, I was reminded of the great hole in the ninja world for mental health, so I opened NinPsych, a place where ninjas could come and confess their deepest fears and thoughts, talk things out, cry if they needed to. I expanded my services to orphaned ninja children, and I started the Big Brother/ Big Sister program which assigned mentors to orphans so they could feel like they had someone to lean on.

I continued my genjutsu lessons with Kurenai. I advanced farther than anyone ever believed possible, even learning how to cast a heavy genjutsu over multiple people. I began applying genjutsu to my work, and founded genjutsu psychological therapy, using genjutsu to heal minds instead of wreck them. No word yet on cleaning jutsu, unfortunately.

In the fifth year of Kakashi's reign, Obito Uchiha-Inuzuka was born. He was in many ways everything you'd expect from mine and Kiba's child, earning the nickname "Wildfire" Inuzuka in school for multiple reasons. But I always called him Tobi.

At this point in shinobi history, it had become standard practice to get a chakra profile of each newborn. When Tobi was born, Shizune approached us in the hospital room with a surprised look on her face.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said. "He has 100% chakra."

"100%?!" Kiba and I exclaimed together.

"But that's not possible," I said.

"I don't even have 100%," said Kiba.

"It says 100%, with a fire nature," said Shizune. "We tested multiple times, and got the same result."

Later, Kakashi came to our house with a chakra paper and handed it to me. I rolled my eyes, but I loved him, so I humored him. The paper crumbled to ash. Had the first one really been defective? Or had Obito somehow taken steps to ensure the Uchiha would live on if Sasuke hadn't turned a new leaf? None of us could say for sure, but I will never forget the terrified look on Kiba's face when he realized how much power I had.

* * *

 **A/N: I usually hate author notes, but one at the end can't hurt. I realize the ending still leaves room for "more," but the story is called "A Non-Ninja Girl of the Hidden Leaf," and Saki is no longer a girl and is more ninja than nonchak at this point, so this particular story is done. Saki started as a joke between me and my friend, so if I have made you laugh, then I consider this work a success. Thank you for sharing in our laughter.**


	20. Bonus Chapter 1: Role Models

**A/N: Guess who's back, back again? Saki's back, tell a friend!**

 **Okay serious now...I found myself thinking about Saki a lot recently, and I threw together some one-shots about her family life post-war. Enjoy!**

* * *

Role Models

Saki Bonus Chapter 1

Kiba and I have tickets to a Killer Bee concert, and we must find someone to watch Tobi. This task has become increasingly difficult recently. Tobi has exited his bumbling toddler years and entered his irrepressible ball of energy years. The grandparents have all declined watching him now because he's just too much for them to handle.

"Sakura and Hinata both said no?" Kiba asked as I crossed the top names off the list.

"I didn't even ask Sakura," I said. "She doesn't get any sleep now with Sarada. And Hinata has to go to that international thing with Naruto."

Kiba groaned. "We're stuck."

"Now wait," I said. "Temari is coming over to pick up some ointments for Shikamaru. I'm going to ask her."

"She barely knows Obito," he said.

"And he barely knows her," I said. "Maybe that'll throw him off. He's too comfortable with the rest of us."

"Huh, okay," Kiba agreed.

There was a knock at the door. I put on my best everything-is-normal-here face and opened the door. "Hey, girl!" I said. Kiba rolled his eyes to alert me I was trying too hard.

"Hey, Saki! Hey, Kiba! How are you?" she asked.

"Good, good, come on in," I said. She walked inside. Objective one, accomplished. "Why don't you sit down? I just opened a bottle of wine, and I have a plate of rice cakes."

"Oh, you don't have to," she said.

"We insist," said Kiba, joining the game. "How's the family? How's Gaara? How's Kankuro?"

"Fine, fine," she said, and I placed a glass of wine in her hand. "Oh, thank you, Saki." I sat down beside Kiba and laid the rice cakes on the table. "So where's Obito? He's so quiet!"

"It's the calm before the storm," Kiba whispered, and I elbowed him.

"Oh yes, he's very good at occupying himself, you know. Speaking of Tobi..."

"RASENGAN!" A blue bouncy ball struck me on the head and landed in the rice cakes. "Oooops, sorry," said Tobi. My son was wearing a fox ear headband and had taped nine orange streamers to his butt. He picked up the bouncy ball and helped himself to a rice cake.

"Awwwww," Temari melted. "That's adorable."

Kiba laughed uncomfortably, and I said, "Yeah, he's got a really active imagination. He loves his bedtime stories. Hey, Tobi?"

"I am the Nine-Tails," he said with a mouthful of rice cake.

"Kurama," I said, "this is Mrs. Nara."

"Hiiiiiii," he said. Then he turned to me, said "Rasengan," and threw the bouncy ball at my face.

"Hey, Pup, why don't you go play outside?" Kiba suggested, confiscating the bouncy ball.

"Okay," said Tobi. He slammed his hand on the ground and shouted, "Summoning jutsu!" He then got down on all fours and hopped out the door, saying, "Ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit ribbit!"

"Ohhhh my gosh," Temari cooed. "He's the cutest."

"You know," I said, "we're looking for someone to watch him this Friday."

"Oh my gosh, really?!" she exclaimed. "Shikamaru and I have been talking about maybe starting a family, but I'm just not sure that I'm cut out for it."

"What?" I said. "That's crazy. You'd be a beast mom."

"Maybe if I watched Obito I'd have a better feel for it," she said.

"Oh, erm...," Kiba said. His eyes darted to the door. Tobi had shed his ears and tails and was carrying in a couple of sticks. "Hey, Pup, I think that stuff belongs outside," Kiba said.

"WOOD STYLE!" shouted Tobi. He lightly bopped me on the head with the sticks. Getting no reaction from me, he moved over to Kiba. "WOOD STYLE: POINTY STICKS OF DOOOOOOOOM!" He thrust a stick at Kiba's eye, and Kiba snapped it in half.

"Go to your room," Kiba growled.

"Okay," Tobi said, and he ran down the hall and slammed his door.

Temari laughed nervously. "So, how long does this go on for?"

Kiba and I exchanged looks. "Well, you know," I said, "he exhausts his cast of characters eventually."

We heard the pitter-patter of little feet coming back down the hallway. Tobi appeared wearing a mask that half obscured his face.

"And we have Kakashi," said Kiba.

Tobi stood next to Kiba and rigorously rubbed his bare feet across the carpet and rubbed his hands together. "CHIDORI!" he shouted, and he laid his hands on Kiba. Kiba winced slightly from the static shock. Tobi giggled and ran over to me.

"Hey, your Chidori is kinda weak, Pup," Kiba teased.

Tobi accepted the challenge and rubbed extra vigorously before declaring "CHIDORI!" again and laying his hands on me.

Tobi's black Akita puppy Indra fumbled down the hallway dragging a stuffed octopus. Indra plopped down to gnaw on one of its eight legs, and Tobi took off his mask.

"Fool, ya fool!" Tobi said, running to Indra. He clutched another of the octopus's legs and began a game of tug of war.

"So, have you heard Killer Bee's latest album?" I asked casually.

"Oh, we're not big fans of rap," said Temari.

"TAILED BEAST BOMB!" Tobi shouted, and Kiba and I instinctively ducked. Indra yipped, and Tobi giggled.

"Hey, hey, hey," Kiba said sternly, "be nice to Indra." Tobi, now wearing the octopus on his head, pushed aside the legs to see us. "How about you go play with Indra outside? You need bond with your ninken," said Kiba.

"YEEEEEEEAAAAA-AHHHH!" Tobi shouted, and he picked up Indra and ran outside.

"I can see how this would get annoying," Temari said.

"But on the bright side, he does keep himself entertained, and his attention span is really short. He'll move on to something else if you just ignore him. You've just gotta make sure that he doesn't break anything in the process," I said.

Temari nodded.

"So, what do you think? If you can handle this one, you can handle any kid," said Kiba.

"Ummm," Temari said hesitantly. "Okay. Sure."

"Great!" I exclaimed.

"You are a saint," Kiba said, shaking her hand vigorously.

"He's a good boy, he really is," I said. "Just has a very active imagination."

"But you grew up with two brothers," said Kiba. "You'll be great!"

"I'm actually looking forward to it," said Temari.

"Okay, so, we need to leave around 4, if you could-"

"SAND COFFIN!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

Kiba and I were doused with sand. We coughed and wiped our faces clean, and when Tobi saw our faces, he instantly knew he'd crossed a line.

"Obito Uchiha-Inuzuka," I seethed.

"Uh-oh," said Tobi.

"You will pick up every grain of sand from this floor and take it back to the sandbox," I said.

Kiba snatched Tobi's pail out of his hands. "Without this."

Tobi hung his head. "Okay." He got on his hands and knees and got to work.

"So, Temari," I said, "how's four o'clock Friday sound?"

"Yeah, ummm, why don't you bring him to our place?" said Temari. "We don't have a sandbox."

"That'll work," I said.

"And don't let him bring the bouncy ball," she said.

"Fair," I said.

Temari sighed. "I hope that if we ever have a kid, we're as good at parenting as you guys."

Kiba and I looked at each other. "You call this good?" Kiba asked.

Temari laughed. "Well, sure. Look at him. He listens to you guys. And just look at all of the positive role models you've given him. This kid is going to be awesome one day."

"Huh," I said. "Positive role models. I never thought of it that way. We are pretty good at this, aren't we, Kiba?"

Kiba walked into the kitchen and mumbled, "He never pretends to be me..."

I sighed. "Thanks again, Temari. Oh, don't forget the ointment."

"Oh, yeah," she said. "I almost forgot the real reason I came here."

"RASENGAN!"

The little blue bouncy ball whipped past my face and slammed into the wall. "TOBI!" I cried. "How did he get the ball back? Fucking ninja kids...I swear...!"

"Well, I'll just be going now!" Temari said.

"OBITO UCHIHA-INUZUKA, you finish cleaning up your mess!" Kiba growled.

Indra caught the ball and ran out the door with it, scattering sand beneath his paws. "INDRA TOOK MY BALL!" Tobi shouted, dropping the sand he'd gathered to run after the puppy.

"TOBI!" Kiba cried, chasing them both.

I watched everyone fly out the door, went to the kitchen, and poured myself a glass of wine.


	21. Bonus Chapter 2: Growing Up Fast

Mom, What Happened to All of the Uchiha?

Saki Bonus Chapter 2

It's Tobi's first year of Shinobi Academy. He's advanced in both taijutsu and ninjutsu, and he's popular with both the boys and the girls. I also know his teachers really well thanks to all of the phone calls I get when he cusses or otherwise "disrupts the classroom environment." I've totally perfected the concerned mom act.

Tobi's best friend is a boy from the Hyuuga clan named Tenzi. Today he is returning home from his first sleepover with the Hyuugas. I didn't get any phone calls from the Hyuugas asking for us to take him back, so I'm assuming he either behaved himself or that they just kinda put the boys in a padded room somewhere and let them be.

I have chicken dinner ready for when he comes home from academy, and there's a side of vegetables, because I'm totally rocking this domestic mom shit. Kiba's been recovering from a mission, but when the food hits the table, he and Akamaru zombie out of the bedroom and prepare to chow down.

"Hello, stranger!" I tease when Tobi comes through the door. "Did you have fun with the Hyuugas?"

"Oh. My. GOD, Mom! Have you SEEN the Hyuuga's compound? It's GINORMOUS!" he exclaims, throwing his backpack on the table. His black floof of a puppy called Indra jumps off his head, and the hood of his red jacket falls, revealing a shock of jet black hair. His long, skinny pupils expand like they do whenever he gets emotional. I wonder if he'll ever develop a sharingan or if the Inuzuka blood will suppress the trait.

"Yeah, it's pretty cool," I say. It's my stock response to most things he says when he's excited. Tobi sits down and continues to babble about how nice the Hyuuga compound is. For better or worse, he's inherited my gift of gab. I find myself tuning him out and wondering how often Sakura tuned me out as a kid.

"So Tenzi's dad has a bunch of maps from when he was in ANBU," Tobi says. "I found one that's pretty interesting. It was a map of old Konoha. Mom, Dad, did you know that the Uchiha used to have a district as big as the Hyuuga's?"

Kiba looks up from his food and gestures at me, like, "You didn't tell him?"

I shrug my shoulders back at Kiba. I had told Tobi _almost_ everything about the Fourth Shinobi War. So I left out a few arcs. He was my baby boy, and they were bedtime stories at the time. Bedtime stories are supposed to be nice.

Kiba points at me and raises his eyebrows. It was our signal for "This one's on you."

"But now there's just me and you, and Uncle Sasuke and Sarada, and Aunt Sakura I guess, but she just married into it, so she doesn't even count really," says Tobi. "Mom, what happened to the rest of the Uchiha? Did they move?"

I take a gulp of wine. "Tobi, can we talk about this later?" I say, knowing full well that never worked with Tobi. Kiba picks up his plate and carries it into the living room.

"Did they die?" Tobi asks, his tone changing. He's picked up on the change of energy in the room. I realize that my baby boy isn't such a baby anymore. He's training to become a full-fledged shinobi. It's time.

"Tobi," I start, "you remember your bedtime stories?"

"Of course," he says with a smile. "About how Mr. Uzumaki, Aunt Sakura and Uncle Sasuke and great-grandfather Obito and Kakashi saved the world." He pauses. "And Dad was there too sometimes."

"Do you remember how you begged me to make you a jinchuuriki?"

He laughs. "Yeah, but I was like, five," he says. "I don't want that anymore. It's not really a nice thing."

"So you understand that sometimes things in the shinobi world aren't nice," I say.

"Of course," he says.

"And sometimes, the things that aren't nice...don't come from outside the village. It's not always easy, in the real world, to determine the right from wrong. The bad guys aren't always going to wear black robes."

"Uh-huh," he says, but I can tell he isn't really following anymore.

I pull my chair up beside him. "Tobi, when you were little, I left some things out of the story that weren't nice. But I can see now that you're ready to learn some of the more confusing parts of the story. And this part, the part about the Uchiha, is very, very ugly, but it's extremely important for you to know and understand if you're going to bare the Uchiha name."

"Okay," he says uneasily, and my heart about breaks.

"When your Uncle Sasuke was born, the Uchiha were one of the biggest clans in the village. And Uncle Sasuke had a brother named Itachi. And Sasuke loved Itachi, and Itachi loved him, but one day..." I take a sip of wine. "Okay, wait. This isn't right."

"Did you forget the story, Mom?" Tobi asks.

"No, I just need to make sure I tell it right. Okay. Itachi was an amazing shinobi. Like Kakashi, he was one of the youngest ever to graduate the Academy, and then he joined ANBU. You know about ANBU from Tenzi's dad."

"Uh-huh."

"Back in this time the leader of ANBU was a shinobi named Danzo. Danzo was a ruthless leader, and he cared about the village very much, but...the Uchiha clan wasn't happy at the time with how things were being run in the village. Some members of the clan were thinking of rebelling against the Hidden Leaf."

"Why?" asks Tobi.

"Umm, you know, I wasn't there, so I don't fully understand their reasons. Sometimes people don't trust the Uchiha because they remember Madara Uchiha, so I think that the Uchiha were facing some hostility and discrimination."

"That's stupid," says Tobi.

"It is very stupid," I say, ruffling his hair, "but we all know people can be stupid. So Itachi tells Danzo what the the Uchiha were thinking because Itachi was very loyal to the village and didn't share the sentiments of the rest of his clan. Danzo tells the Third Hokage. The Hokage says he wants to negotiate with the Uchiha, but Danzo says that the Uchiha clan..."

"Should...move?" he asks hopefully.

I sigh, and I realize tears are coming to my eyes. "Danzo asks Itachi to kill the rest of his clan. And he did."

"WHAT?!" Tobi shouts. He pops out of his chair with such force that the chair flies across the kitchen. "Nooooooooooo...WHY?!...MOM, that's...!"

"I know, Tobi," I say. I resist the urge to coddle him and let him work out his emotions.

"All of them?" Tobi asks. "His mom and dad too?!"

"Yes, Tobi, all of them."

"He's a coward," says Tobi.

"Hm, why do you say that?" I ask.

"Because he just followed blind orders! I would never do something like that! I don't care if the Hokage told me to! I would never kill you and Dad and Grandma and..." He picked up Indra and hugged him. Indra whimpered. "I would have killed Danzo instead."

I nod. "Okay, but Itachi left someone alive, didn't he?"

I see him doing the math in his head, and then he shouts, "UNCLE SASUKE!"

"Uh-huh," I say. "He couldn't bring himself to kill Sasuke, and Itachi left the village and became an Akatsuki. He didn't tell Sasuke the real reason he'd murdered his clan because he didn't want Sasuke to feel any resentment towards the Leaf."

"So wait," says Tobi, "Itachi was in the Akatsuki with great-grandfather Obito?"

"Yes," I say.

"Sounds like every Uchiha except for Uncle Sasuke did some very bad things," says Tobi.

"Oh boy," I say, taking another sip of wine. "Okay, your Uncle Sasuke was completely traumatized from the experience. He decided to make it his life's goal to get revenge on his brother and hunt him down and kill him. And there are many more details about that that I'll be happy to tell you about later, but long story short Sasuke killed Itachi, and then your great-grandfather told him the truth about Danzo, and Sasuke killed Danzo too."

"BADASS!" shouts Tobi. "Uncle Sasuke is the best!"

"Well, erm, sure, okay, but Tobi," I say, "let's say for instance something tragic like that did happen to me and your father. What should you do about it?"

"I'm gonna get super strong, and I'm gonna kill the motherf-"

"NO," I say sternly, "Tobi. If something ever happened to our family like that, who can you go to?"

He doesn't understand why I'm asking the question, but he gives the correct answer. "My best friend Tenzi, of course."

I hug him. "Yes. Nothing can ever replace your clan, but you will never be alone as long as you have your friends. In a way, they're part of your clan too. It's your extended clan."

"Well then we have a _huge_ clan!" says Tobi. "There's the Hyuuga, and the Uzumaki, and the Nara, Mr. Aburame, Mr. Lee and Tenten and Kakashi, Swagmaster Yamato...even your weird friend Suigetsu!"

"And all of these people care about you and can help you if you're ever feeling alone, Tobi. As long as you're in this village, you're never alone."

"Cool," says Tobi. "Can I have a cookie?"

"You can have _two_ cookies, for being so strong."

"Thanks, Mom!" he says, throwing his arms around me. "Hey, Mom?" he whispered.

"Yes, Tobi?"

"I'm really glad you didn't grow up in the Uchiha district," he says.

I kiss him on the cheek. "Me too, Tobi. Me too."

Nailed it.

* * *

The next day Tobi comes home with a group of girls I've never seen before. Tobi has never played with girls and rarely expresses any interest in them. "Umm, hello," I say.

"Hi Mrs. Inuzuka!" they answer in unison.

"Mom," says Tobi, "these are my future wives."

I nearly spit out my drink. "Your future... _wives_?"

"I've decided to make it my life's goal to rebuild the Uchiha clan," Tobi declares, "so I have to get married more than once so I'll have lots of kids. These girls have agreed to support the cause. They're my future wives. Can they have cookies?"

Kiba drops his fork on the floor, and he doubles over laughing.

"Ummm...okay, Tobi, but we should probably talk about what marriage means." Fuck. I'm going to get sooooo many phone calls tonight.

"Well, actually, we were wondering...where do babies come from?"

I lock eyes with Kiba and point at him. "Go ask your father that question, Tobi! I think he can explain it to you."

Kiba flips me the bird, and I pour a glass of wine. Tobi is indeed growing up very, very fast.


	22. Bonus Chapter 3: Frenemies

**A/N: This is a pre-Tobi chapter. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Well," I said, "are you going to thank me, or are you going to thank me?"

Ino, who was appropriately drunk off her ass, turned to me with a puzzled expression. The pop music was thumping, and the multicolored lights reflected onto our white faces from the disco ball. She still looked absolutely stunning in her mermaid-style wedding dress, a spell that was broken when she slurred her words. "Why the hell do I have to thank you?"

Sometimes people get nicer when they were drunk, but Ino was always the queen of shade. I poked the bear further. "Because you and Sai hooked up at _my_ wedding, of course! It's almost like this entire thing wouldn't be happening if I hadn't gotten married first."

Ino turned to Sakura. "Is this bitch for real?" she shouted.

Sakura laughed nervously, and gave me a look that said, "Can you go easy on her just for today please?" Sakura was the best at being a maid of honor. She was practically a pro since being mine just one year prior.

I was thinking of a comeback when drunk Sai (who is undoubtedly the best Sai) put an arm around me. "Saki! I wanted to thank you for inviting me and Ino to your wedding! For it was on that day-!"

Ino yanked Sai away from me, fuming. Sakura couldn't contain her giggles. I mosied over to the bar and procured three shots, then shimmied my way back through the crowd to the happy couple. I pushed a shot into each of their hands. "Cheers?"

Ino shrugged. "Cheers, slut."

"Back at ya, bitch," I said.

"Ino is not a bitch," Sai said.

We waited for him to correct his wife, but he never did.

 ** _ONE YEAR PRIOR_**

"Okay, Kiba," I said. "I have all my bridesmaids lined up."

" _All_ your bridesmaids?" Kiba asked.

"Yep," I said. "Maid of honor: Sakura, obviously."

"Obviously," Kiba agreed. "And I'll have Shino as best man, obviously."

"Obviously," I agreed. "And next, your sister Hana, who will soon be my sister."

"Riiight," he said, thinking.

"Then my girl TenTen," I said.

"Okay," he said, counting three on his fingers and nodding.

"And Hinata," I said, "because she's your teammate."

"Sure," said Kiba, adding another finger, then groaning. "Ugh, if you're having Hinata because she's in my squad, does that mean I have to have... _your_ squad?"

I grinned. "Awwwww...c'mon, you like Naruto!"

"Ughhhhhhh!" he groaned. "He's...okay, he's arguably not that bad at all anymore, but...he's such an attention hog!"

"Naruto ain't gonna take any of the attention," I said.

"You say that, but he _always_ finds a way to make shit about him."

"I _promise_ you he won't make it about him. How can he? It's about _me._ "

He sighed and giggled at the same time. "Okay, fine. Naruto's in."

"And Lee."

"Lee is squad?"

"Ummm... _yeah_ Lee's squad!"

"Since when is Lee squad?"

"Since I spent the majority of my early teen years preventing him from rebreaking all the bones in his body, that's when."

"Fine, fine. Okay, 1, 2, 3...fuck, I need one more."

"Might I suggest Sui-Sui?"

"Suigetsu Hozuki? Fuuuuuuck no."

"Kidding," I said. Nobody really understood the bond I shared with Suigetsu. They called him "Hurricane Suigetsu" behind his back because we always managed to get into trouble whenever he came into town. "Well, fuck, Kiba. Who are your friends behind me, Shino and Hinata?"

"Uhhh, I mean," said Kiba. "I guess out of the whole group I was always closer to Shikamaru and Choji."

"Fine, have them then."

"But then that makes 5 for me. And I know you're not asking Ino."

"Fuuuuuuck no," I said. "You're good though. I already asked Temari."

"From the Sand?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I like her."

"She's coming all the way from the Sand? For you? I didn't realize you knew each other that well."

"I had a blast drinking with her when she came to our post-war rager. Temari is in."

"Umm, so does that mean her brothers are invited?"

"Of course her brothers are invited. We like them."

"Yeah, erm, don't you like one of them a little _too_ much?"

"Geez, Kiba, that was _one time_. Last time we were all together you were over him more than I was."

"Fair," he sighed.

"I've kissed Shikamaru more than him, you know," I said.

"Yeah, but that was a long time ago," said Kiba. "Is Shikamaru being in the wedding weird for you?"

"Nah," I said. "Nothing's too weird for me anymore."

"Okay, so, that's settled," said Kiba. "Huh. We're having everyone in the wedding except Ino and Sai."

"Aww, poor Sai."

"I mean, I could add him, but then you've gotta fill another spot, and we only know one more girl."

"Sui-Sui could wear a dress."

"Oh god no."

"They'll be fine. Haha, I'm gonna seat her right between Sai and Guy-sensei. She'll go nuts."

"No, don't do that, just seat her with the Nara and the Akimichi."

"You have no sense of adventure, Kiba."

"And why do you hate her again? I thought you said she was kinda okay now."

"She _is_ kinda okay now," I said. "Honestly, she hated me first. I stole her best girl friend _and_ her best guy friend for a spell. I'd hate me too. Plus I was an unworthy little nonchak at the time."

"I don't get what the big deal is."

"Well, you wouldn't, because you evidently had _no friends_ except Akamaru and definitely never had a girlfriend before me."

"I had...! I mean, that was so long ago. How do girls hold grudges like that? Seems like a waste of energy."

"I just think it's funny at this point," I said. "Like, we're cool with each other now, but we're so conditioned to not like each other, we just...don't."

* * *

Kiba and I looked out over our reception guests from the head table. "I never thought my wedding would be like this," he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I mean, look at all of the clans represented, and all of the notable shinobi. Even the Hokage is here."

"Yeah, we're kinda a big deal, babe," I said.

"Oh, what did you do?" Kiba asked with a groan. "Ino's sitting with Sai."

"Baha!"

"I thought we'd agreed not to pick on her?"

"I didn't do anything!" I protested. "Sui-Sui set up the cards." Kiba facepalmed. "Look, she's flirting with him," I said. "If anyone is getting picked on, it's Sai. Poor thing."

"Huh," he said, devouring half a chicken leg in one bite, then dropping the other half under the table for Akamaru. "Is she that desperate, or that drunk?"

"She flirts with everyone! Always has!"

"Hehe...sounds like another girl I know."

I slapped him, then kissed his cheek before turning to Sakura. "Hey, Cherry Blossom, check out Ino putting the moves on Sai."

"Awwwww," she squealed.

"Awwww? She's probably confusing the heck out of him," I said.

"Well, yeah, but...," Sakura said, then sipped her drink.

I narrowed my eyes at her. "What aren't you telling me?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said.

I turned on my sharingan, and she surrendered. "I saw Sai draw a picture of her."

"NOOOOOOO!" I exclaimed. "Get OUT!"

"What happened?" Kiba said.

"Sai likes Ino!" I said.

"Okay?"

"Like, _like_ likes her!"

"What?! Nahhh, that guy can't _like_ like someone," said Kiba.

"He's never drawn a picture of any other girl before," said Sakura.

"I've got an idea," I said.

"Leave them alone," warned Kiba.

"Why do you think it's going to be bad? I want to help them."

"Leave them alone," he repeated.

"Where's Suigetsu? SUI-SUI!" I shouted.

"Nothing good can come from this," muttered Kiba.

Suigetsu was carrying two martinis. He handed me one. "Oh, thank you," I said. "Hey, Sui, see that couple over there? The big-boobed blonde girl and the pasty, expressionless skinny guy?"

He chugged his martini. "Yep," he said.

"Get the guy plastered," I ordered. "That goes for everyone. I never want to see Sai without a drink in his hand. Sai...erm...what's his last name?"

"He doesn't have one. He's Root," said Sakura.

"Okay. Sai No-last-name, tonight you are getting laid," I declared.

"Not gonna happen," said Kiba.

"Bet," I said.

"Alright," he said. "What are we betting?"

"If I win, then...," I whispered in his ear. He turned red.

"Okay," he said. "And if I win..." He whispered in my ear.

I extended my glass. "Deal," I said, and we clinked rims on it. "Okay," I said, turning to Sakura. "Sakura, legit question. Does Sai know how to do it?"

She rolled her eyes, but then she thought about it and shrugged. "Gee, I don't know."

"Okay, that's the first thing we need to find out. Kiba, give me a condom."

"I'm not helping you. We're on opposite sides of this," said Kiba.

"Fine. Shino! Give me a condom!"

Shino turned to me slowly. "I don't have any."

"Well, what the hell?"

"You realize you and Kiba are the only people at this table who aren't virgins, right?" he asked.

"Nuh-uh!" I looked the table up and down. "Seriously? Nobody here has one?"

"Saki, it's not normal for shinobi to have sex out of wedlock," Sakura reminded me.

"Jiraiya did it," I said with a shrug. "You're telling me Kakashi-kage is a virgin!?"

"Probably," said Sakura.

"What about that one girl we caught him with back in the day? The one who looked like me?"

"The one you cornered in the bathroom and threatened?" she reminded me. I blushed, remembering the good old days when Kakashi was the only man in my life and Sasuke wasn't a total shithead. "I don't know," she said.

"I'm gonna ask him," I said, and I left.

I approached the table where Kakashi had been seated and remembered he wouldn't be there because this was dinner and he would be eating in private so he could hide his beautiful normal face. After some small talk with Guy-sensei, I strolled towards the back of the dining hall. I saw Suigetsu collect an empty glass from Sai and hand him a full one. I nodded in approval and turned to find the Kazakage next to me.

"Saki Uchiha-Inuzuka," he said. "Congratulations on your marriage."

"Oh, thanks, Gaara," I said. "It's really cool you made it out here with Temari. Say...did your brother come by chance?"

"Of course," said Gaara.

I grinned broadly and laughed evilly on the inside. Shinobi don't have sex out of wedlock, they say? Bah! Kiba was _sooooo_ going to lose this bet.

 ** _PRESENT DAY_**

Ino doubled over and laughed, and I thought she might rip her wedding dress. "Stop," she said. "I can't take it anymore."

"What?" I asked. "That's how it went. I'm not making this up."

"She's not," said Kiba. "Literally everyone was in on it."

"So _that's_ why that guy gave me that weird puppet show?" asked Sai.

"There was a puppet show?! Kiba, I missed the puppet show!" I exclaimed. "You're welcome, Sai. You're welcome."

"It was very helpful," said Sai. "But...I'm afraid you guys are mistaken. Ino and I didn't do anything that night."

"What?" I asked. "You both disappeared halfway through the night!"

"I told you," said Kiba, "that doesn't mean they fucked! YOU LOST THE BET!"

"DAMN IT!" I exclaimed. "Then where did you go?"

"I was sick!" Sai exclaimed. "I never drank that much in my life! Yamato had to take me home after I passed out!"

"Oh, I'm actually sorry now," I said. "Sorry, Sai."

"It's fine," said Sai.

"But wait!" Sakura interjected. "Ino, you specifically told me that was the night you lost your virginity!"

Ino turned red. "You said you knew who...so I dropped it. I can't believe you guys thought it was Sai."

"Was it me?" said Sai. "I was really, really drunk! I do not remember."

Ino hung her head.

"Spill," said Sakura. "Who the heck did you disappear with?"

"Guys, this is not relevant," said Ino. "Let's just drop it."

"No, I want to know," said Sai. Kiba clapped him on the back for support.

"I believe his name is...Kankuro?" Ino said.

"SHUT UP!" I exclaimed.

Sakura's jaw dropped, and Kiba doubled over laughing. "That bastard!" he choked.

"He's a freak," said Ino, smiling broadly. "Said I was the best he'd ever had, too."

"IN YOUR DREAMS YOU HOE-BAG!" I shouted.

"TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE, SHINOBI SLUT!" she replied, extending her middle finger.

"WHORRRRRRRRRE!"

"BEEEE-AAATCH!"

"What just happened?" asked Sai.

"Nothing," said Kiba, picking me up and carrying me away.


	23. Bonus Chapter 4: Sofito

"You're full of shit, 'Zuka," said Tenzi.

"I am not!" Tobi said. "That's my great-grandpa. That's who I was named after."

"That is not even possible!" Tenzi said. "Obito Uchiha was not that old!"

"Is too possible!" Tobi exclaimed. "You don't need to be old to make a baby, Tenzi. You and I could do it right now if we wanted. Right, Mom?!"

I had been laughing quietly to myself washing dishes while this conversation had been going on for a solid five minutes in our living room. Tobi had dragged Tenzi through the door and pointed to our trio of portraits on the wall: a Team 7 portrait I'd bombed to give Kakashi bunny ears, a Team Kurenai picture, and a picture of Minato with Kakashi, Rin and Obito Sr. I abandoned my housework and nonchalantly stepped into the living room. "What's this, now?" I asked.

"We were learning about the Fourth Shinobi War in class today," said Tobi. "Our sensei assigned everyone something different to research, and I got Obito and Kakashi, which I'm already an expert in, so I just stood up and started explaining it, and when I got to the part about great grandma and you and me, everyone started laughing at me!"

"Mama 'Zuka," said Tenzi, "I salute you. You are the goddess of pranks. He's never going to live this down! But can you please put homedawg out of his misery now? It's just embarrassing. It's like believing in Senju Claus."

"I don't understand, Tenzi," I said. "What prank did I pull?"

"Ya know...making this one believe..."

"Obito Uchiha was my great-grandfather. Riiiiight, Mom?!" Tobi asked, legit worried now.

"Sorry, Tenzi," I said. "It's not a prank. Obito Uchiha was my grandfather."

"MAMA 'ZUKA, STAHHHHP!" Tenzi burst.

"Okay, Tenzi," I said. "If it's not true, then how can I do this?" I turned on my sharingan.

The Hyuuga boy narrowed his eyes at me. " _Any_ Uchiha could have knocked up your grandma. I have no problem believing that part. How do you know it was _that_ one?" Tenzi pointed to Obito Sr.'s picture.

"Grandma identified him," I said simply, "and he told me himself."

"HOW?!"

"I was pulled into the quasi-afterlife after he died so he could tell me," I said.

Tenzi doubled over laughing. "Stahhhp!"

"Tenzi, if you're going to make it in the shinobi world, you've gotta open your mind to all kinds of weird shit," I said. "Stranger things have happened."

"It's like this, Tenzi," said Tobi. "Imagine you have a near-death experience, and your life is fucked up beyond repair. No shot whatsoever of having a normal life. Wouldn't you try to experience as many normal things as you could?"

"Of course," said Tenzi.

"So why is it so hard to believe that Obito Uchiha wanted to get some?!"

"Uh-huh," said Tenzi. "Yeah, I guess, if my junk worked..."

"YOU'D USE IT! Well, his junk worked, Tenzi. Mom and I are proof. Right, Mom?"

"Couldn't have said it better myself," I said.

"Okay...but... _when_ did this alleged sex happen? You're telling me he just walked into Konoha all masked and Akatsuki-looking, got some, and left? IT'S NOT POSSIBLE!"

"The Akatsuki didn't mean anything yet! Nobody probably gave him a second look! And I'm sure he didn't come _just_ to get some! You know, he was probably getting ready for the Nine-Tails attack or something. Right, Mom?!"

"I can't say, but-" I started.

"The Nine-Tails attack happened when _our_ parents were babies. It couldn't have been then," said Tenzi.

"Oh, yeah," said Tobi, scrunching up his face. "Dang, how old was he again? And she would have to be...and then grandma Wu was..."

"As a wise girl once said to her uptight best friend," I said, "age is just a number."

 _ *****AN UNSPECIFIED NUMBER OF YEARS EARLIER*****_

"Obito," said Madara, "you have progressed far in your new powers. It is time to start testing your skills out in the world."

"The world, Mr. Madara?" asked Obito. "What do you mean?"

"I want to see if you can penetrate the barriers of the Hidden Leaf Village," said Madara.

"You want me to...to...go to the Hidden Leaf? But...I can't!" Obito stuttered.

"Sure you can," said Madara. "You must, in order for my plan...*cough cough*... _our plan..._ to be successful. All is lost if you cannot penetrate the barriers of the Hidden Leaf."

Obito's heart pounded. "The Hidden Leaf," he repeated. "Wow. I haven't been there in...how long has it been? I don't even remember."

"Me neither," said Madara. "Time is irrelevant inside of these walls. It is impossible to tell."

"Okay," said Obito. "I'll do it."

* * *

The Zetsus carried Obito to the boundary of the Hidden Leaf village. "Do you remember your training, Master Obito?" asked White Zetsu.

Obito gulped. "Sure do," he said. "But what if it doesn't work? Or what if it does work, and I'm discovered? What if-"

"Don't talk to anyone," said Black Zetsu. "Just get in and get out. This is only a trail run."

"Okay," said Obito.

"Imagine the place you are going to go very vividly," said Black Zetsu. "Are you thinking of a place?"

"Yes," squeaked Obito.

"Then go."

Obito channeled his energy through his sharingan the way Madara had instructed, and in a moment, he was transported outside of Rin's house.

 _Get in and get out. Get in and get out. I'm in. Oh, god, I'm in! I'm..._ He saw where he was, and he stared. "Rin!" he whispered under his breath. He stared at her window.

"It costs nothing to look, sweetie," said a woman, "but even one such as myself gets nervous after too much. So, are you coming home with me or not?"

"Huh? Oh!" Obito saw through his one eye the kind of woman he thought had only existed in dirty magazines. She had thick blonde hair, giant blue eyes, and giant breasts that were prominently displayed in her skimpy black dress. "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am, I didn't see you there."

"That's what they all say," said the woman, approaching him. "One hundred per hour, sweetie."

"One hundred what?" he asked.

"Sushi rolls," she said sarcastically.

"Oh, I don't have that," he said.

She threw her head back and laughed. "You're funny. I like you. Fifty per hour."

"I don't understand, and I'm not supposed to be talking to anybody, so I'm going to go," he said.

"Suit yourself," she said, sitting back down on the bench. He turned to find a private place to leave, but then he saw the light turn on in Rin's room, and he turned back quickly. But it was only her mom. He hung his head and turned, when the woman started speaking again. "Say, weirdo, you better not be thinking of anything funny," she warned.

"Funny?" he asked.

"I'm not afraid to go the police if I see something funny," she said. "You're scoping out the family that lives up there, aren't you?"

"Erm, no," he said. "I'm just going to go."

"That's what I thought," said the woman. "Well, go on."

"Yeah," he said, looking longingly at the house again. Then, he started to cry.

"Aww, hell," she said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. C'mon, sweetie, sit down next to me. It's free to sit."

"I...gotta...go," he said.

"You keep saying that, but you don't," she said. Before he could protest, she was at his side and had slipped her arm through his. He threw his hands over his face, and the hood of his cloak fell. "Ohhhh...honey, what happened to you?"

"It's...a long...story...I...don't...want to...talk about it," he sobbed.

She pulled him to the bench, and he sat. She had put her arm around his shoulders. "There, there," she said. "It's gonna be alright."

"No, it's not," he said.

"Well, not with that attitude," she said. "So what's the story? Who lives up there?"

"My...friend."

" _Just_ a friend?" He shook his head, and she sighed. "Girlfriend?" He shook his head. "Boyfriend?" He shook his head more vehemently. "Unrequited crush?"

"Something like that," he said. "She thinks...uhhh...she doesn't know...I had an accident."

"I can see that," she said. "Is this a cast? Did you escape from the hospital?" She stroked the back of his head soothingly where the White Zetsu material was tightly wrapped over him. He pulled up his cloak.

"She can't see me like this," he said.

"Why not?" she asked. "If she can't accept you the way you are, then she ain't shit."

"I just mean...it's complicated," he said.

"You could talk to her," she said.

"I can't," he said. "I'm not even supposed to talk to you."

"Well, I'm glad you did," she said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Believe it or not, my line of work gets kinda boring sometimes," she said.

"Your line of work?" he asked. "What do you do?"

She threw her head back and laughed again. "You crack me up, you know that?"

He shrugged. "You really think I can talk to her?" he asked.

"Sure!" she said. "Then you'll know, and you can either be happy, or you can move on."

It made sense. Rin would accept him, he knew it, and he could be part of the Hidden Leaf again. "Okay," he said. "I'm going to do it."

"Hooray!" said the woman.

"Thanks, Miss...erm..."

"Sofi Kureji," she said, offering him her hand.

"Sofi," he repeated. "Thank you, Sofi." Then, the skies opened up, and it started to rain. "NOOO!" he shouted. "I'm not ready! I can't leave!" He looked at his hand and saw the little leaves starting to sprout, as it did anytime it rained. He ran down the street.

"Hey, wait!" shouted the woman.

 _No, please, don't follow me,_ he thought. _You can't see me...I need to leave...but I don't wanna...I DON'T WANNA LEAVE!_ He darted down an alley, and there was no outlet. He tried to think of the forest where he had left the Zetsus, but he was interrupted.

"Hey!" It was Sofi. "Where are you going?"

He wanted to say "Home," but he realized he had none, and he fell into her arms sobbing.

Sofi Kureji carried him under her umbrella into the brothel. "Hello, Madam," Sofi said when they walked through the door. "Can we get some sake please?"

The Madam took a flask off the shelf and handed it to Sofi. She peeked under Obito's cloak and made a disgusted face. "You sure know how to pick them, Sofi."

"What can I say?" she said. "I'm a freak magnet."

"As long as he pays," said the Madam.

"Come on, dear," said Sofi, taking Obito's hand and pulling him up the stairs.

He slowly realized where he was and pulled back in panic. "I can't...I don't..."

"Shhhhhh," said Sofi. "It's okay."

"I have no money," Obito confessed quietly.

"It's fine," she whispered.

A nervous lump formed in Obito's throat, and he followed her without another word. She took him into her room and sat down on the bed. He sat in the chair thinking about all the ways he had screwed this up. Thinking Madara and the Zetsus probably thought he was dead. Thinking maybe that wasn't so bad. She poured him some sake.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" he asked.

"Why shouldn't I be?" she asked.

The little leaves were starting to retreat back into his hand. He sighed in relief. "Aren't you afraid of me?" he asked.

"Why should I be?" she asked. He sipped the sake and coughed. It burned his throat. She giggled. "I have a problem," she said.

"A problem?"

"When I see someone who's sad or lost or something, I can't help myself. I have to help them."

"That's a very nice problem to have," said Obito. "Do you bring people here often just to shelter them from the rain? Don't you get in trouble?"

"Eh," she said. "I'll just make the next one pay double to cover for it."

"If you don't mind me asking," he said, "why do you do this?"

"Talk to freaks like you?"

"No, I mean..." He would have blushed, if he could.

"Oh, right. Why am I a prostitute?" She shrugged. "I'm a war orphan from the Rain Village. Needed money from somewhere."

"You came all the way here?" he asked.

"Hell yeah I did," she said. "This is the Promised Land. No safer place for a Lady of the Night than the Hidden Leaf village. Shinobi elsewhere have lost their honor, ya know? But not here. Here it's different. I love this village. I risked everything to come here."

He nodded and sipped his sake. It didn't burn so much anymore. "You're nothing like I thought-someone like you-would be like," he said.

She downed a whole cup of sake and refilled it. "I'll take that as a compliment," she said.

"You should. Thank you, Sofi. Knowing there are people like you...gives me hope."

"Likewise," she said. Lightning flashed, and thunder shook the brothel. "You can take off your cloak, you know," she said. "Unless you're going to venture out in that."

"No," he said. "I don't want to leave yet." Maybe it was the sake thinking, but the more time he spent with Sofi, the more beautiful she became. He wondered how many men she had been with. She didn't look much older than twenty. He felt jealousy, then shame at his jealousy.

"May I ask where you're needing to go?" she asked.

"No," he said. "I can't."

"Okay," she said.

"Really? You just don't care?"

"I care," she said. "But it's obviously a big deal to you, so if you don't want to tell me, I don't have to know. It's neither here nor there to me. Do you want more sake?" He shook his head. His cup was still very much full. "Okay. Well, good sir, you can stay if you want. It's free to stay. But I'm going to get some sleep."

"Sure," he said. Once she fell asleep, he could leave from the safety of this room without anyone seeing him. He sipped his sake and listened to the thunder. Sofi stood up and unzipped her dress. Involuntarily, he felt his cock stiffen. He stared into his cup of sake as he heard her dress hit the floor.

"You're sweet, you know that?" she said. "That girl of yours is real lucky."

"Lucky?" he asked.

"Sure," she said. "You're alone in a room with a drunk naked woman and a bed, and you're not doing anything. You're a class act. A real gentlemen." He heard her slip under the covers, and he looked up. She was sitting upright, her breasts exposed. He looked back into his cup as if the mysteries of the universe would be revealed to him there. "You're kinda making me jealous, to be honest," she said.

He coughed. "Jealous?" he asked.

"I've got many boyfriends," she said, "but I don't think any of them care about me half as much as you care about that girl."

"That can't be true," he said.

"I'm a prostitute," she said. "Love has no meaning for me. It's just part of the job."

"That's very sad," he said. "But you're wrong. You are beautiful. I am a monster, disfigured beyond recognition. Love has no meaning for me either."

"Take off your coat," she said. And maybe it was the sake acting for him, but he obeyed. He felt her gaze on his body burn through him. "I don't know what happened to you, but...I know a miracle when I see one. You should be dead, and you live. You're a miracle," she said.

"You are just saying that so I'll pay money to sleep with you," he said.

"Nah," she said. "That's amateur stuff. I'm good at what I do because I tell it like it is. That's my nonchak way."

"Oh, don't call yourself that. My sensei says we're not supposed to say that anymore."

"It's true, isn't it? Well, miracle boy, are we going to do this or what?"

"Do this?" he gulped.

"I understand if you won't. You've got that girl and all. But I've been with many, many men, and not one that I would call a miracle. So I'll give you one on the house. What do you say? I can see what your body says, but I don't want you to do it if your mind doesn't consent."

When he had first become interested in girls, he told himself he would wait for Rin no matter what, but he wasn't stupid. This woman, this beautiful beyond imagination woman, who spoke to him and looked at him as if he were still a person, was offering him a taste of the humanity that he thought he'd left forever.

He climbed into bed.

 _ **PRESENT DAY**_

"I really can't answer those questions. And maybe you're right, Tenzi. Grandma was known to be pretty scatterbrained after all," I said, "but I do have something to show you. Come on." I beckoned the boys to follow me down to the basement.

Our basement was nothing more than a big storage area. Once Suigetsu and I had cleared it and turned into a rave, but as soon as that was done, all the dusty boxes went right back into place. I snaked around the shelves and boxes until I found the corner I was looking for, the ones marked with the Uchiha crest.

"Not many people know I have this stuff," I told the boys. "Just your father, Kakashi, Naruto, and Sakura." I pulled out the biggest box and opened it. The boys gasped.

"M-m-m-m-MAMA 'ZUKA! Wuh-wuh-wuh-wuh-why do you have that?!" Tenzi choked. It was very satisfying to see the know-it-all Tenzi tongue tied. I reached in and pulled out the Akatsuki robe and handed it to Tobi. He took it with trembling hands.

"Kakashi found it and gave it to me," I said.

"Is it...his?" gulped Tobi.

I reached into the box and pulled out an orange mask. Tenzi stood up and backed away like the mask could infect him. "God...Mama 'Zuka...I had no idea."

"Had no idea what?" I asked, placing the mask on my lap.

"I...I guess you hear the stories, but you don't realize how real it was until you see it," said Tenzi.

"Here, Tobi," I said, reaching in and pulling out a blue and orange Uchiha jacket.

"Oh my gosh," said Tobi. "How much of this stuff do you have?"

"Everything they recovered from the abandoned house," I said. "This whole corner of boxes is from that house. There's a family album somewhere in here." I pulled out some katanas, and a pair of goggles, until I got to the bottom of the box. "Here, look. This is the family we never got the chance to know." I took out the album and handed it to Tobi. He opened it on his lap.

"Can I see?" asked Tenzi.

"Of course," I said. "You boys can take that upstairs if you want."

"Can I take some of this stuff to school?" asked Tobi.

"Absolutely," I said. "Those kids need to get _woke_." I looked at their disapproving expressions. "Did I use that word right?"

"Yeah, but," said Tobi.

"Please don't use it again," said Tenzi.


	24. Bonus Chapter 5: Fire Sake

Kiba and his companions walked through the door after being summoned to the Hokage.

"Ohh my, this is going to be a long mission!" said Hinata.

"What's this about a long mission?" I asked, looking up from the steamy novel I'd been reading.

"Us and Team Guy," said Kiba. "We're going to the Land of Lightning."

"Oh, cool," I said. "Say hi to Bee for me!"

"Of course," said Kiba. "Dang, sucks for you though. Sakura and Naruto are away too, aren't they? I always feel bad when you're here alone."

"Oh, I won't be alone," I said. "Sui-Sui is coming."

Kiba threw his head back and laughed. "YESSSS! SUIGETSU IS GOING TO BE HERE, AND I WON'T! OH THERE IS A GOD!"

"Ohhhh my," said Shino. "You're sure they should be unsupervised?"

"Like it makes a difference?" I said. "But hey, I'm going out of town to stock the fridge for us, kay?"

"Sure thing, babe," said Kiba. "Just make sure everything is clean before I get back."

"Uh-huh," I said. "Unless, of course, he's still here when you get back."

"I feel like this is gonna be a looooong mission," said Kiba.

"So I should withdraw more money from the bank," I clarified.

"Saki," Kiba said gravely, "you _did_ make the special account I asked, right?"

"Hurricane Suigetsu fund? Of course," I said. "But, you know, it's gonna be a long mission, and you don't want me alone, so..."

"Saki, we _cannot_ have a repeat of last time," said Kiba.

"As I recall, you liked all the new clothes I bought."

"But I didn't like eating plain white rice for a solid week," Kiba said.

"Fair," I said. "I will _try_ to stick to the budget. But, you know, long mission."

Hinata was listening in confusion. "Wait, is Suigetsu staying _here?_ "

"Yeah," I said. "Why not?"

"Oh," said Hinata tentatively. "I mean, Kiba, you're okay with another guy living with Saki for a week?"

"Uhh...yeah?" he said, plopping down on the couch and cracking open a beer. "It's Suigetsu."

"Uh-huh," said Hinata, not understanding. "I just can't imagine...you're not worried _at all_ about Saki being alone with another guy?"

"What, Suigetsu?!" Kiba exclaimed, and then he and Shino started to laugh. "Oh, man. Saki, Hinata thinks Suigetsu wants to bang you."

"BAHA! More like he wants to _be_ me," I said.

"What?" Hinata mumbled.

"Hinata, have you _met_ Suigetsu?" Shino asked.

"Yeah," said Hinata. "He and Saki are weirdly close."

"Yeah, which is why I leave whenever he comes to visit," said Kiba, wiping away tears from laughing so much. "Oh, man. Could you imagine, me, being worried about Suigetsu!?"

"I STILL DON'T GET IT!" Hinata cried.

"Okay, girl, it's like this," I said, leaning over and whispering in her ear.

"OHHHHH," she exclaimed. "Ohhh, yeah, I guess I can see that. That makes sense. Thanks!"

* * *

The next day, Suigetsu and I wasted no time in getting to the spa.

"Oh, hello Saki, hello Suigetsu," greeted the desk attendant. "Will you be having your usual today?"

"That super deluxe day-long crazy expensive thing? Fuuuuck yeah," I said.

"Treat yo self!" Suigetsu agreed, high-fiving me.

"Great!" said the attendant. "And will you be having your usual cocktails?"

"The 100% alcohol but doesn't taste at all like alcohol things? Helllll yeah!" Suigetsu said.

"Put that shit on tap," I said, high-fiving Suigetsu.

"And if you could have some hunk just follow us around to refill our drinks all day, that would be fabulous," said Suigetsu.

"I'll see what I can do," the attendant said, laughing. "Take a seat over there, and we'll have your cocktails out to you soon." She pointed to the chairs in the waiting area, and we obliged.

Suigetsu leafed through the magazines. "Have you seen the new _Shinobi Slut_?" he asked.

"Oh, I haven't," I said. "Do they have it?"

"TA-DA!" Suigetsu said, producing a pink volume. He shielded the cover from me and looked down eagerly, then made a face. "Ughhhh...nevermind, you can have this one." He tossed the volume to me.

"'Ugh,' really? Sui-Sui no likey?" I teased. I looked down at the cover, and my jaw dropped. "This is that ginger who traveled with you and Sasuke! Holy Sage of Six Pack! I didn't realize he was so ripped." I started flipping through the volume greedily.

"Ripped, yes, but totally uninteresting. And uninterested," lamented Suigetsu. "So, when's Shikamaru gonna be in this thing?"

"NEVER! And he's completely straight. Let it go," I said. "Where our drinks at?"

And as if someone were just waiting for us to finish our previous conversation, a man and woman came to give us our first cocktail and take us for massages.

"Dibs on the dude," Suigetsu said.

"Fuck you," I said.

"Who's married?" he shot back.

"Fair."

* * *

After our massages, we got our facials, our manicures and pedicures, then we got some time in the hot springs.

"So I invited that masseuse to the club with us tonight," said Suigetsu.

"Yeah?" I asked, sucking up the last of my fifth cocktail. "And?"

"Straaaaiiight," Suigetsu groaned.

"We'll get you some at the gay bar tonight," I said.

"You're so lucky, Saki," said Sui. "You don't have to go to a designated place to get some. You just have to walk out the damn door, and straightees are fawning all over you."

"I mean, exaggeration, but, yeah," I said. "But hey, I was into a gay guy once."

"Saki? I had no idea," said Sui.

"Huh? Oh, no, not you," I said. "He was a Hyuuga. Had the best freaking hair ever."

"Oh? Can I meet him?"

I stared down at the water. "Nooooo," I grumbled. "Sorry I mentioned it. But who knows how many gays I've looked at through the years? Half the guys in that magazine could be gay. Who knows?"

"Kakashi could be gay," said Suigetsu.

"Ummmm...NO!" I exclaimed defensively.

"You said yourself he's never openly had a girlfriend," said Sui.

"Well, yeah, but...look, Sui, you just need to look for someone, you know, on your level."

"On my level? ON MY LEVEL? What, I'm not _good enough_ for your HOLY KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

"Of course you are! But he's STRAIGHT, Sui!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW?!"

"HE CHECKS ME OUT, THAT'S how I know!"

"BAH! You think EVERYONE checks you out!"

"Because they do!"

"Bahhhhh, Saki, you're full of shit and you know it. You just assume every guy you find attractive is attracted to you."

"I do not! I just mean...apart from that one time...I've always...kinda just...gotten what I wanted in that department."

"Yeah, that's what I mean. You're _spoiled_ ," said Sui. "You've never had to work for a guy's attention in your life. But there's only one explanation for a guy like Kakashi being single for that long. He's as gay as the day is long, girl."

"You have terrible gaydar, Sui," I said.

"You're just scared I'm gonna steal yo man," said Sui.

"Bet," I said.

"I will bet! I'll hit on him! I'm gonna hit on the Hokage. Fuck it," said Suigetsu, slamming down his drink.

"Okay, Sui, this is ridiculous, even for us," I said.

"Scared?" asked Suigetsu.

"I'm an Uchiha. I ain't scared of NOTHIN'. Alright. Let's do this. You versus me."

"Wait, what, you can't hit on him, you're-"

"Married? Psh...Kakashi and I flirt ALL THE TIME. It's our thing."

"Okay, okay," said Sui. "It's a flirt-off then. And I'm gonna raise the stakes even more."

"BRING IT, GAY BOY!"

"Iruka."

My jaw dropped. "Noooo...not Iruka! Iruka is so good and pure. Leave Iruka and his precious scar out of this."

"He's another one, isn't he? Where's his girlfriend?"

"But but but but but...are we really having a gay witch hunt in Konoha? Where do we draw the line? This feels mean."

"So let me get this straight-"

"-Sui, you've never gotten ANYTHING straight-"

"BAHA! Nice one!-Okay, so in Saki's bass-ackwards world, it's totally okay to mess with the Hokage, but high treason to mess with some random teacher you barely know. Fine. We won't do it."

The attendant replaced our drinks, and I took another sip. "Dammit," I said.

"Hmm?" he asked.

"I...I have to know!" I whispered.

* * *

We left the spa and changed into our sluttiest outfits. I wore a black tube top with a matching miniskirt and the boots TenTen had given me on my last birthday. She called them "kunoichi combat boots;" I called them "hooker surprise boots" because they had compartments for kunai and shuriken. I completed the look with a red belt and some shinobi mesh armor accents.

"Damn, Saki, I don't know if you're looking to get laid or murder someone," said Sui. He was shirtless with tight leather pants, and he'd gelled his hair to give it a messy look. He'd also layered his eyes with glitter.

"You look like a stripper fairy," I laughed.

"I'll take it," said Sui. "I'm gonna grant some wishes tonight."

I doubled over laughing, then said, "Alright, so I was thinking, if this is going to work, we should probably have an unbiased observer."

"What do you mean? Whoever picks the guy up wins."

"Well, yeah, I suppose if you manage to pull that off. But I'm not _actually_ picking anyone up, remember? And Kakashi is really used to me flirting with him, so he's gonna just act like this is normal."

"Ah, okay. Yes. An unbiased observer would be helpful. Call Sakura."

"She's on a mission."

"Naruto with her?"

"Yehhhhp."

"What about that weird kid with the huge eyebrows?"

"He's on the mission with Kiba...well damn. All my friends are on missions."

"Eh, so much for that idea."

"Nah, we can still find someone. I know people. It's just gonna be slightly weird for them."

"Yeah, but...this is for science," said Suigetsu with a wink.

"Definitely. For science." I looked out the window. "AHA! There's one now." I opened up the window. "CHOJI AKIMICHI! YOU WANT SOME CAKE?!"

Choji nearly busted down the door. "You bet I want some cake! Thanks, Saaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhkeeee...teehee...teehee...hi, Saki." He was turning red as he was looking at me.

"Straaaiiight," said Suigetsu.

"I'll make you a rum cake if you do Suigetsu and I a favor," I told Choji.

"And it's for science," said Suigetsu.

Choji was regarding Suigetsu with a mixture of fear and amusement. "Uhhh...okay. Sure. What do you need me to do?"

"We're going to go flirt with people, and you are going to help us determine which of us the person is more attracted to," I explained.

"Oh, okay," said Choji.

"Wait, really?" I asked.

"Yeah, sounds interesting," said Choji, helping himself to a bag from the pantry.

"Damn, I forgot how cool you are. Thanks!" I said. "Oh...erm...don't eat those."

He shoved a handful of crunchy nuggets into his mouth. "Why not?"

"They're dog treats, Choji. You went into a dog cabinet." My Japanese chin Chisana was circling him and whimpering.

"Ahhh, fuck," said Choji. He took another handful before putting it back. "Who has a dog cabinet?"

"That whole section is dog cabinet," I clarified. "Just go on the other side of the oven and you're good. Choji, do you know where Iruka-sensei lives?"

Choji choked on a chip. "Iruka-sensei? You're hitting on...ohhhh...no, I'm out. This is too weird now."

"But rum cake though! And you're already eating our food. You're welcome, by the way," I said.

Choji thought as he munched on potato chips. "Ehhh...what'd I have to do again?"

"Just give your unbiased opinion on who Kakashi and Iruka likes more," I said.

He spat out the chips. "KAKASHI?!"

"Fuck, I'm gonna owe you two rum cakes for this," I said.

"I was thinking a cake a week until New Year's," he said.

I narrowed my eyes. "Access to our booze cabinet."

"Saki, no! That's our stash!" lamented Suigetsu.

"Deal," said Choji. "Hey...you got any of that...erm... _special_ brew?"

"Oh no no no no no," Suigetsu protested. "He knows about that?"

"Temari had some last Sagemas," Choji.

I sighed. "Fire Sake."

"You have some, then?" asked Choji.

"I might," I said, "but it's not for the faint of heart."

"Do I look 'faint of heart' to you?" asked Choji. "Fire Sake, and I won't ask for anything else, I promise."

"Alright," I said. "Follow me."

* * *

I kept the Fire Sake barrel in the basement, covered with an Uchiha crest blanket. I removed the blanket, took a cup from the shelf, and placed it under the tap. The sake steamed as it filled the cup. "An ancient Uchiha recipe, passed down from Mad Man Madara himself." I handed it to Choji."Now don't chug it. A little of this goes a long way," I warned him.

"He couldn't chug it if he tried," said Sui.

Choji placed the cup to his lips and drank, and his face turned red, and his eyes started watering. "YOWZA!" he cried. "That burns like a motherfucker!"

"Yeah," I said, handing a cup to Suigetsu. "It's Fire Sake."

Suigetsu took a sip and sighed. "It's so bad it's good," he said.

I filled a cup for myself and chugged it. Choji nearly dropped his cup as he watched. "You start breathing fire, this is nothing," I said. I filled another cup. "Alright, we doing this, bitches?"

Suigetsu raised his cup. "Bitches!"

Choji took another sip and followed suit. "Bitches! Yeah!"

"Ohhhh my gosh, I'm gonna be in so much trouble," I laughed, leaning on Sui. "He's already drunk."

"Let's go hit on my sensei and the Hokage! Woo!" Choji said, drinking more vigorously.

"Hurricane Suigetsu, you've done it again," I said.

"And this is only day one, sweetie," said Suigetsu. "Let's hit the streets."

* * *

"IRUKA SENSEI! IRUKA SENSEI! WE NEED TO TALK TO YOU!" Choji cried, pounding on the door.

"Okay, Choji, quit it, he's not home," I said, trying to pull him away from the door. "Sui, help me."

"Why are we here again?" Suigetsu asked. "Why aren't I wearing a shirt?" He dropped his nearly empty cup of Fire Sake and burped.

"Ugh, we had this conversation earlier about Kakashi and Iruka, and we decided to dress slutty and hit on them."

"We made that decision sober?" Suigetsu asked.

"No," I said. "But compared to Fire Sake drunk... and now you're just sloppy, and I just don't care anymore."

"Oh no, we're doing this!" said Choji.

"And why is this bear here?" Suigetsu asked.

"Is that a fat thing?!" Choji exclaimed.

"No, it's a gay thing," I asked. "Suigetsu, Choji isn't gay. And he's here because...dammit, why the hell is Choji here?"

"I'm an unbiased observer!" Choji declared. "To the Hokage!"

And Choji might have been drunk, and the biggest shinobi in the Leaf save for his father, but boy could still move. He took off in the direction of the capitol, and we had no choice but to follow.

When we arrived at the capitol building, Choji was already inside. We made our way up to the Hokage's office remarkably unquestioned.

"Saki, Suigetsu," Kakashi said in an amused tone. "Choji says you have something you want to ask me?"

"I'm watching," said Choji. "I'm an unbiased observer."

"Lord Kakashi? My name is Suigetsu, and I am your fairy godstripper!" said Suigetsu, stumbling to lay across the table seductively.

"And how do you feel about that, Lord Kakashi?" asked Choji.

"Ohhhhh, honey, no," I said, dragging Suigetsu off the table. "This is why you're single, sweetie. This is why you're single."

"So that's a no on the fairy godstripper, then?" asked Choji. "Okay, Saki, your turn."

"I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry," I said. "What you are seeing is the culmination of hours of drinking and bad decisions."

"So the usual then," said Kakashi. "Though Choji being here is certainly throwing me for a loop."

"I'm an unbiased observer," Choji repeated.

"I'm not going to ask what that means. I don't want to know," said Kakashi.

"Good choice. But you should know I gave him Fire Sake," I said.

"Fire Sake? Well then, where's mine?" Kakashi asked.

"Lord Kakashi, you drink Fire Sake?" asked Choji.

"Of course I do," said Kakashi. "And I can outdrink this one, believe it or not." He winked.

"Okay, Saki wins, I'm calling it," said Choji.

"No fair! I haven't even tried!" exclaimed Suigetsu.

"Don't bother," said Choji.

"Really, Saki? You bring drunks into my office _without_ bringing me any of the offending substance? I thought we were friends," Kakashi teased.

"We could be friends," said Suigetsu, making eyes at Kakashi.

"Ohhhh, honey, no," said Choji, patting Suigetsu on the back. "It's a lost cause."

And with that, the absurdity of the day came to a climax, and I was overcome with uncontrollable laughter. I fell to the ground and onto my back laughing, ugly, chortling laughs. Kakashi helped me up.

"Kakashi, would you like some Fire Sake? We'll have to go back to my place," I said, and then I hiccuped and nearly fell on my face.

Suigetsu abruptly fell to the floor and stuck out his hand toward him. "Help me," Suigetsu said.

"I got you, fam," said Choji.

"NO, NOT YOU!" Suigetsu exclaimed, sitting up and slapping Choji's outstretched hand away. Kakashi picked him up also.

"See, look, this has to count for something!" Suigetsu said to Choji.

"It really doesn't," said Choji. "Sorry."

* * *

The next morning I was cooking up bacon, eggs and toast in my least-slutty pajamas. Someone knocked on the door.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Choji moaned from the couch. "WHO'S JACKHAMMERING OUTSIDE? TELL THEM TO STOP!"

I ignored him and opened the door. It was Kiba and Hinata, looking awful. "Is it safe to pass?" Kiba asked frantically.

"Umm...yeah...but, what about your mission?" I asked.

"It's great. I had to come back and get more dogs. And we're gonna need some food pills, and some meteor hammers."

"Meteor hammers? Do we even have those? What kind of mission is this?"

"Top secret," Kiba wheezed, pushing past me with the quick kiss on the cheek. "Hey, Choji."

"WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!" Choji moaned.

Hinata furrowed her brow as she looked at Choji on the couch. "Ummm?"

"OH MY GOSH HINATA WHEN DID YOU GET SO LOUD?"

"What?" she murmured. I handed her a plate of food.

Kiba gathered what he needed and came back as I was sitting down with Choji. "Where's Suigetsu?" he asked.

"He went home with a random guy we ran into on the way back here from the capitol," I said. "Didn't even have to hit the gay bar."

"Nice!" said Kiba. "Good for him. Sucks to be you, though, Choji. Fire sake get ya?"

Choji looked around. "When did Kakashi go home?"

I threw my head back and laughed. "Honestly...I don't know. You passed out about an hour after we got back, then _I_ passed out, and he must have left after that."

"HA! Classic," said Kiba.

"How are you okay with this?!" Hinata burst.

Kiba looked from me to Choji, to the food, back to me and Choji, then to Hinata. "I don't understand the question," he said.


	25. Bonus Chapter 6: Don't Freak Out

**A/N: Hello everyone! I wanted to update my favorite people on the Internet on some things regarding the future of _Saki_. I started watching **_Boruto,_ **so of course I'm thinking about how Saki and Obito might fit into it. I've started playing around based on the few episodes that we have, which has been my plan since I heard that** _Boruto_ **was a thing, but I don't want to jump the gun and accidentally write myself into a hole, so I'm just going to keep watching and writing. You can probably expect to see some of that appearing this coming year.**

 **This is _not_ that, but it is inspired by the theory that Metal Lee is TenTen's son. Obviously Saki would be excited about that possibility, so I had to write about it. Nothing set in stone though. Enjoy!**

* * *

I was packing up my things at the clinic when TenTen walked in.

"Hey girl," I said. "What's up?"

"Oh, nothing much, I just wanted to talk to you about something," said TenTen sheepishly. Her tone was weird, and I couldn't read it. I sat down in the waiting room.

"What kind of something?" I asked, concerned. "What happened?"

"Nothing bad," said TenTen. "I was just...asked out on a date."

"Okay?" I said, smiling. "Tell me more."

"I think I might say yes," said TenTen. "Well, actually, I _did_ say yes."

"Yes yes yes," I said, starting to shuffle in my seat. I'd been out dancing with TenTen a lot, and she was definitely the noncommittal type, so her acting weird about a guy asking her out was super out of character. "Tell me more. Where'd you meet him? What's he look like? Ninja or nonchak?"

"Ninja," she said, nodding. "Well, I mean…yeah, ninja."

"Wait, how do stumble on that question?" I asked. "I know there's a grey area genetically, like me and-" She started giggling nervously. "TenTen, you're being weird as fuck about this. Who are you going on a date with?"

She popped a chocolate in her mouth. "Rumphlee."

I glared at her. "TenTen..."

"You heard me."

I scooted my seat to be eye-to-eye with her. "I heard 'Rumphlee,' and I don't know any 'Rumphlees.'"

TenTen was bright red. "You're gonna make me say it, aren't you?"

"You said you came here to talk to me about it, so yeah, I want to hear the words."

"Don't freak out, okay?"

"Me, freak out? Psh. Never."

"Rock Lee."

I screamed like a fangirl and jumped out of my chair, then picked it up and threw it across the room, then dragged TenTen out her chair and spun her around. "THIS IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED EVER!"

"SAKI I SAID DON'T FREAK OUT AND THIS IS DEFINITELY FREAKING OUT!"

"BUT I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE ALL THE BABIES!"

"SAKI I SAID YES TO ONE DATE PLEASE STOP SPINNING ME AND DON'T MENTION BABIES AGAIN!"

I let go of her, and we both fell into opposite walls. "Okay I'm better now," I said.

"Are you?" TenTen asked. "Are you _really_?"

"Yes," I said. "But I do have some questions like how long has this been going on and why haven't either of you said anything to me and can I please come with?!"

"I don't know exactly, because of exactly what you are doing now, and FUCK NO!"

"Fair," I said. "Sooooo...where are you guys going?"

"I guess he's taking me to dinner? I don't know, he just gave me flowers and said he wanted to take me out tonight."

A squee escaped my mouth again, and I covered it promptly. "Tonight?"

"Yeah, I have a couple hours to get ready, and I frankly don't know what to do. That's why I'm here. I've never had a...proper date before."

"And like I have? I was proposed to when I was seventeen, and married at nineteen."

"Well yeah but, you still have more _real_ dating experience. For starters, what should I wear?"

"Wear the same things we wear to go dancing," I said.

TenTen made a face. "Those outfits are rather revealing don't you think?"

I shrugged. "You look good in them."

"Yeah, but it's Lee."

"Lee's a dude. He'll like it."

"Well, yeah, I guess, but it feels cheap and awkward since we've known each other forever."

"I get it," I said. "Honestly the right guy isn't going to care what you wear. Kiba thinks I look awesome in sweats and a t-shirt, then like won't say anything about a new really expensive kimono."

"That's annoying," said TenTen.

"Right?" I said. "I guess what I'm saying is you probably can't go wrong, because he's probably going to just wear that same green thing he always does anyways."

"Oh god I hope not," said TenTen.

"I've literally never seen him wear anything else. Have you?"

"When I first met him, he wore a regular white shirt. He looked normal."

"Hm," I said. "I'm on it."

"On what?" asked TenTen as I stood up and made for the door. "SAKI WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Girl, you're going to be just fine, now it's _him_ I'm worried about," I said.

She sighed. "Okay, so I guess if you're going to meddle..."

"TenTen, you know me well enough! You came to me _because_ I would meddle," I said.

"Yes," said TenTen, "because I knew you'd think us dating is a good idea, and _I'm not sure it is._ "

"Why the hell not?"

"Because Lee is...and I am..."

"You're awesome, and he's awesome, so naturally, you'll be awesome together," I said. "You already _are_ awesome together, as a team."

"I guess it's that familiarity that worries me. I don't know if I can think of Lee romantically when I'm so used to thinking of him as a battle partner."

"Are you attracted to him or not?"

"I'm...curious," said TenTen honestly. "He does have a good body, and that haircut kinda grows on you...and he's got a nice smile. So I think it's possible. He just...he brought me flowers and...he looked at me with those puppy dog eyes and that smile, and I couldn't say no."

"Right," I said. "But?"

"I want to get there," said TenTen. "But you know me, Saki. What if I end up hurting him?"

"Oh, then I'll fucking murder you," I said nonchalantly.

"Saki!" she groaned.

"TenTen, Lee is strong as fuck," I said. "Literally and figuratively. He's endured being picked on at school, he's endured an unrequited crush on Sakura, and so I'm sure he can handle you too. If you find you can't get there, he'll understand."

She nodded. "So find him something to wear besides the green thing, and find out where he's planning on taking me so I can dress accordingly."

"I'm on it," I said, then an involuntary squee escaped my lips again. She blushed and glowered.

* * *

"Lee...Lee!...LEE!" I shouted as I pounded on his door.

"Saki Kureji Uchiha Inuzuka," Lee said, cracking open the door to indicate that I was not invited in. "What is going on?"

"Oh, you know, I bought some wine, and I wanted a drinking buddy," I teased. "You free tonight?"

"I'm busy," said Lee. "Why don't you drink with Sakura?"

"Sakura's out," I said. "And it's been forever since we hung, so..."

"Oh, well, I am busy tonight."

"Whatcha doin'?"

"Ninja things," said Lee.

"I like ninja things," I said. "Do you want me to count your laps or your pushups or something?"

"No...where is your husband? Do ninja things with Kiba. I'm going to do ninja things...alone."

"Alone? You sure nobody is joining you?"

"Why would somebody be joining me?"

"Someone like TenTen?" No response. "I just saw TenTen. She said she can't drink with me tonight because she's going on a date. Do you know anything about this, Lee?"

"I...ummm...I hope she has a good time."

"Me too," I said. "So, if perhaps you were going to take TenTen on a date, where might you take her?"

"Saki, I don't understand-"

"OH MY FUCKING GOD LEE HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME YOU HAD A THING FOR TENTEN AND WERE GOING TO ASK HER OUT ON A DATE?!"

"BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT NOW!"

"I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS!"

"WE ARE FRIENDS! BUT YOU ARE VERY INTENSE SOMETIMES!"

"I AM INTENSE BECAUSE I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE ALL THE BABIES!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN BUT IT SOUNDS TERRIFYING!" After some jostling with the door, he accepted his fate. With a sigh, he opened the door. "I guess since you're here, maybe you can help me," he said. "Does this look okay?"

My jaw dropped. Lee was wearing a regular white dress shirt, regular black pants, and a green tie. His hair was parted and gelled to one side. "That is most definitely okay!" I squealed.

He exhaled in relief. "Good," he said. "I have been playing this out in my head so much." He looked in the mirror. "Do you think I should do anything to my eyebrows? I know there are things you can do..."

"You want me to wax your eyebrows?!" I exclaimed, unable to contain my laughter. "I mean...I could arrange that. But then you'd have red rings all around them from irritation."

"Oh, never mind then," he said. "So you talked to TenTen?"

"Mmm-hmmm," I said, sitting down on his couch.

"And what did she say?" he asked, sitting next to me. "Wait, wait, don't tell me. I don't want to know."

I sifted through my purse and pulled out my tweezers. "Hey, Lee, lay down a minute and relax."

He laid his head on my lap, and I started plucking the stray hairs between his eyebrows. "Ow," he said, but then, "thank you. I am just so nervous. So so nervous."

"So is she," I said.

"She is?!" he exclaimed. "I wasn't sure what she would say. She is so hard to read, even though we have been friends for so long."

"TenTen keeps her heart under tight wraps," I agreed. "But she is happy to go on this date with you, Lee. She's never been on a proper date before."

"Me neither," said Lee. "I made reservations at that new steakhouse."

"Ooooooh...," I said. "She is going to really like that."

"I need to pick up flowers from the Yamanakas," Lee thought aloud.

"Didn't you give her flowers this morning?" I asked.

"Well, yes, but, you don't come to a date without flowers!"

"Lee," I said, "you are, by far, the sweetest person I know, but...don't overdo it. TenTen doesn't need all that. Just be yourself."

"I just want her to like me the way I like her," said Lee.

"All the flowers in the world can't make that happen," I said. "And with someone like TenTen, you could actually scare her off if you come on too strong."

"Scare her off? Too strong?" He rubbed his forehead. "Ugh!"

I put away the tweezers. "TenTen's biggest fear is that dating you will ruin your friendship. You want to make sure she feels comfortable."

"You are out with her all the time. What makes her comfortable?"

"Booze," I thought, then I said, "Well, when me, Sakura and TenTen go dancing...she's kind of, by default, been the one who gets the guy, I being married, and Sakura being dumb...I mean, with Sasuke...so every hot guy who hits on us, we give him TenTen. But she always ends up coming home with us, because we're safe. So just make her feel safe, and she'll...hey, do you need condoms?"

Lee turned bright red. "Uhhhhhh...?!"

"Yeah, you're right, not yet, not yet," I said. I hugged him. "Just relax and have fun."

"Relax and have fun. Okay. Thank you, Saki!"

He gave me a thumbs up, and I rushed back to TenTen's. She was wearing a flowy black dress and a gold chain necklace. "Too much?" she asked.

"No, it's perfect!" I said.

"And I've been debating all day...should I drink or no?"

"Just have a little something to loosen you up," I said. "Lee's crazy nervous, so if you're calm, he'll be calm."

"Okay," she agreed. "You're sure this isn't a mistake?"

"Saki Kureji always tell it like it is. This is most definitely not a mistake. I'm so happy for you," I said. I took a sip from my garter flask and passed it to her. "So, I was thinking, if you guys have a kid..."

"SAKI!" she groaned.

"...I know, I know, big if, but if you do, you know what I think you should name him?"

She took a pull from the flask. "No, Saki, what should I name mine and Lee's kid?" she asked to humor me.

"Metal," I said, and then I threw my head back and laughed.

"Da fuck? Metal? That's not a name!"

"Because he's ROCK Lee, and Metal is..."

"Stop!" she laughed. "Oh, good Lord, Saki, how long have you been sitting on that one?"

"Since just now, honestly," I said.

"Well it is god awful," she wiping tears of laughter from her eyes. "No way am I going to have a kid named Metal!" Our fits of laughter were interrupted by a knock on the door. She stared at it, took another pull from the flask, and handed it back to me. "Well, here goes nothing," she said.

* * *

I heard Lee and TenTen laughing outside. They said goodbye, and then TenTen opened the door. I set down my novel.

"HOW DID IT GO?!" I exclaimed.

TenTen shrieked. "YOU'RE STILL HERE?!"

"I NEED TO KNOW!"

"SAKI KUREJI UCHIHA INUZUKA, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" Lee shouted through the window.

"I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH!"

"GO HOME AND GET A LIFE!" TenTen shouted.

"THIS _IS_ MY LIFE! THIS HAS ALWAYS _BEEN_ MY LIFE! THIS WILL ALWAYS _BE_ MY LIFE!"

"Good Lord!" TenTen cried. "We had fun, okay?"

"Did you kiss?!" She turned red. "Information acquired! Okay, I can sleep now. Byyyyyyeeee, TenTen! Byyyyyyyyeeee, Lee!"

"Goodbye, Saki," they groaned together.


	26. PART II: Big Brother Tobi

**A/N: Omg, it's part 2 you guys! Never would have thought when I wrote that silly first chapter of Saki that I'd be still writing her today. So obviously _Boruto_ spoilers ahead, although this chapter is just a set-up so it's pretty safe. Also, never written from incomplete source material before, so we'll see how this goes. Enjoy!**

* * *

Sometimes, even after all these years, I still feel like I don't exist. Like some all-powerful cosmic force out there just doesn't acknowledge my existence, and I knew, one day, my son would eventually feel the same way. For example, evidently there was some secret conspiracy meeting where everybody decided they were going to have their children at the same damn time. At least that's what it felt like the year that Sarada, Boruto, Metal, Shikadai, Chocho and Inojin were born.

"Okay," Kiba said, laying out the baby shower invitations on the floor. "We've got four boys."

"Alright, I've got about twenty outfits Tobi has outgrown. That'll be about five each," I called from Tobi's room.

"Good deal! Let's call that a day then," said Kiba. "Then you just need to get something for the Akimichi girl."

"Wait," I said. "Girls like stuffed animals."

"I like the way you think," said Kiba. "See, we're actually at an advantage here. We can probably keep this system going for years!"

"Alright, here's a stuffed puppy that hasn't been chewed up," I said, coming out of the room with a box. "We could also throw in some of these toy weapons. There are _so many_ of them."

"Wait, hold on," said Kiba. "Now we've gotta make sure we don't regift gifts back to the people who gifted them to Tobi."

"Fuuuuck," I said. "You're right. Maybe we should just get all new stuff."

"Fuck no! That shit's expensive! Okay, where'd the blue plastic katana come from?" asked Kiba, unpacking the box.

"Fuck if I know! Tobi's been getting gifts from _everybody_ for four years! I didn't think to write down what came from where!"

"Mom? Dad?" Tobi asked, walking over from the kitchen with a box of dog treats. Indra was sitting on his head drooling. "What are you doing with my toys?"

Kiba and I looked at each other sympathetically. "Sweetie," I said, "how would you like to have some new little friends?"

Tobi's eyes lit up, and he dropped the box of treats in excitement. "WE'RE HAVING MORE PUPPIES?!"

"Uhhh...no," I said. "We're having more _people_."

"More people?" he asked. "Why?"

"You know our friends, the Uzumakis, and the Naras, and the Lees, and..."

Tobi nodded. "Are they all coming to live with us?"

"No," I said. "Even better! They're all having babies!"

"Babies?" he asked, scrunching up his face. "Why?"

"Uhhh, we'll get to that when you're older," Kiba laughed. "But _you_ are going to be like a big brother now. Won't that be fun?"

Tobi shrugged. "We should have more puppies," he said, and he opened the box of dog treats, fed one to Indra, then fed one to himself. The conversation having totally bored him, he walked away.

I sighed. "I guess that went well?"

"Kid doesn't have a clue what's about to happen," said Kiba, shaking his head. "He's been the center of attention around here, and now _Naruto_ 's having a son."

"Relax, Kiba," I said. "That kid's gonna have _nothing_ on our Tobi."

"Our Tobi is sniffing Indra's butt," said Kiba, glancing into the living room.

"He's an Inuzuka- _Uchiha_ ," I reminded him. "He's gonna run circles around those other kids. Just you watch."

Someone rang the doorbell. "Mom! Dad!" Tobi called.

"Got it!" Kiba said. I continued sorting through the box of old toys until Kiba called, "Oh my gosh! SAKI! IT'S SAKURA!"

"SAKURA?!" I shouted, springing to my feet. Sakura had been away with Sasuke for over a year, and I hadn't been expecting her back yet. She stood in the doorway, looking disheveled. I rushed to hug her, but then I stopped abruptly. She was holding an infant in her arms. "Sakura...?" I asked tentatively. "What is that?"

"Help," she whispered, holding out the child to me. I took it. The baby had pale skin and jet black hair. Make no mistake, it was an Uchiha baby.

Sakura collapsed onto the couch. Kiba looked at me helplessly while I shuffled through the right words to say. I threw out many first drafts, like "WHERE THE FUCK IS SASUKE" and "YAY ONE MORE PERSON FOR HIM TO TREAT LIKE SHIT" and "DAMMIT WOMAN I TOLD YOU TO BRING CONDOMS" and "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" but I eventually settled on, "Ohhhmygosh, she's gorgeous! What is her name?"

"Sarada," Sakura groaned. "Saki...I'm tired."

"Yes, you just get some sleep. I'll watch Sarada. Kiba, go get all Tobi's baby stuff from the basement. Should we bring it all over to your place, or...?" Sakura snored. "Kiba, set up the crib and changing table in the guest bedroom."

"Right," said Kiba.

"Then go get some diapers," I said.

Kiba sniffed the air. "Maybe I'll get those first...erm..."

I sat down with Sarada and rocked her. She was perfect. Tobi walked over curiously. "What's that?" he asked.

"Tobi," I said sweetly, "meet your new baby cousin Sarada."

"Woah, that's a _person_?" he gasped. "She's so little!"

"She's a newborn, Tobi," I explained.

"Yes, but, was _I_ ever that little?"

"Yes, actually we were all this little when we were born, believe it or not," I said. Sarada actually looked almost identical to Tobi when he'd been born. It was just now becoming evident that Tobi was taking after Kiba in looks, apart from his hair which still remained black as night.

"So she's like...a person-puppy," said Tobi.

"Yes, Tobi," I laughed, and then a little tear escaped me. "Tobi, Aunt Sakura and Sarada are probably going to be staying here for a bit."

"Okay," said Tobi. He took Indra off his head and held him out to Sarada. "Look, Indra, it's a person-puppy!"

Sarada opened her eyes slightly, saw Indra, and let out a cry. "Alright, Tobi, that's enough," I said.

"Ugh," said Tobi. "She's a _cat person._ " Bored again, he took Indra away.

"It's okay, Sarada," I cooed. "You can be whatever kind of person you want to be." She extended her little palm and placed it on my boob for a moment, then curled up and closed her eyes again. "Just don't be like your daddy, okay?" I whispered.

When Sakura woke up, the guest bedroom had been converted to a half-nursery. "Ohhh...you don't have to..." she started.

"But I do though," I said. "I refuse to let you be alone in this."

Sakura cried and hugged me, then took Sarada inside to feed her. I went to whip up some instant ramen for dinner. Tobi tugged at my skirt. "Mom?" he asked.

"Yes, dear?"

"So everyone's having one of _those_?" he asked.

"Babies? Yes, Tobi. All our friends are having babies. There are going to be so many babies around," I said. "So many..."

"They're not _all_ going to live here, are they?" Tobi asked, alarmed.

"No, Tobi," I laughed. "Aunt Sakura just needs some help right now because she's all alone."

"Ohhh, okay, that's good," said Tobi. "And Sarada is like me, then?"

"Like you?" I asked.

"She's an Uchiha. She's in our clan," said Tobi.

"Oh, yes," I said. "Sarada's your cousin. She's going to be in charge of the Uchiha clan one day, and you will have to help her."

"Woah," said Tobi. "That's a big deal."

"Yes it is," I said. "That's why you need to watch out for each other."

"Okay," said Tobi. "Me and Indra are on it!" He sniffed the air. "You need more seasoning in that broth, Mom."

"Oh, thank you, Tobi," I said sarcastically. "You want to make dinner too, now?"

Tobi looked at me awkwardly, then scampered away.

When Sakura emerged from nursing Sarada, we were sitting around the TV eating our ramen. I'd set out a bowl for her. "Where's Sarada?" Tobi asked.

"She's sleeping, Tobi," said Sakura.

"Oh," said Tobi, slurping down his broth. He ran down the hallway.

"Tobi?" I asked, concerned. "Tobi, what are you doing?"

"I want to give Sarada something!" Tobi called.

"Oh, hell," I said, putting down my bowl. "Tobi, she's not a puppy, alright? She doesn't want a treat, or a chew toy, or a..." I froze when I stood in the doorway of the guest room and saw what Tobi was doing. "Ohhhmygosh, Sakura, look, look, look! Where's my camera?! SOMEONE BRING ME A CAMERA!"

"Geez, what is it, Saki?" they called.

"COME AND LOOK!" I ordered.

So they came, and they melted when they saw. Tobi had taken his old Uchiha crest baby blanket and was laying it over Sarada. He couldn't reach over the bars, so he had to push it through the slats of the crib.

"Awwwwwwwwww," we all said together.

 _ ********************TWELVE YEARS LATER***********************_

"And then he shouted across the lunch room, and I'm quoting here...ahem...'Beat his ass, Sarada!""

I had to hold the phone away from my mouth so that Iruka wouldn't hear me laughing. "Ahem...ahhh, yes, I see, Iruka," I said seriously. "That's not appropriate language, and he shouldn't be egging on fights, yes, yes, I'll talk to him. Thank you."

"We really do love having Obito come back to do ninken demonstrations," said Iruka. "But if something like this happens again, we can't have him."

"He's pretty close to Sarada," I explained, "and he and Boruto have been rivals basically since Boruto was born."

"Well," laughed Iruka, "Boruto's already surpassed Obito in causing trouble, so..."

"What, seriously?! My kid burned down part of the school!"

"Well, Boruto has...nevermind, I can't legally discuss other people's kids with you," Iruka said.

"Oh, it's fine, Boruto's my godson," I said. "What'd the little shit do?"

"How much time do you have?" Iruka groaned. "And wow, I knew you were Sarada's godmother...Boruto too?"

"And Metal Lee," I said. "I'm the fairy shinobi godmother, Iruka."

Iruka laughed. I'd missed these phone calls with Iruka since Tobi graduated. I'd had a least one good chat with Iruka each month the whole time Tobi was at the Academy. Sounds like Hinata was probably getting them daily. "Well, I suppose I'm not particularly surprised. You and Kiba were the first of that group to get married, weren't you?" Iruka asked.

"Oh, yes, we were young and horny and caught up in the romance of the war," I said, and then I sighed out of nostalgia. "Iruka, do you ever think things have gotten positively _boring_ around here?"

"Saki," Iruka said gravely, "what are you suggesting?"

"I'm not asking for a world war," I said. "But, oh, I don't know..." I swallowed the last gulp of my wine. "I'll let you go, Iruka. Thanks for, whatever it is you originally called me about."

I hung up the phone and went into the bedroom where Kiba and Akamaru were taking a nap. Tobi was out with his friends somewhere. I slipped under the covers.

"Hey," Kiba grumbled.

"Kiba, I'm bored," I said.

"Oh, okay," said Kiba. He fondled my boob.

"No, not like that," I sighed. "I'm bored with...ugh...nothing ever happens around here anymore, ya know?"

"What do you mean?" he yawned.

"Remember when we were kids? How everything was crazy 24/7?"

"Well, yeah, there was the Akatsuki, and...Saki, what are you saying?"

"I don't want the Akatsuki back!" I exclaimed quickly. "But I want something to happen. Something weird and wild and ninja-y. Our son gets more action in video games than he does on missions. You take a nap every afternoon. I used to drink because I was afraid everyone was going to die, or to celebrate everyone not dying. Now I'm just drinking to drink. I need something to freak out about. I'm having...chaos withdrawals."

"Good lord, Saki," Kiba said. He rolled over and stared at the ceiling, and then he sighed. "Huh."

"I know, I know, I'm a terrible person for thinking it, right?"

"No," he said simply. "I'm bored too."

I laid my head on his shoulder. "How did this happen?"

"We made this happen, Saki," he said. "We made our domestic bed, and now we're lying in it."

"Fuck this," I said. "Do you remember the day you said you loved me?"

"The day you died and came back as an Uchiha?" Kiba laughed.

"The day the village blew up, and Naruto became the village hero?"

"Don't talk about Naruto," grumbled Kiba. He kissed me. "Show me those sharingan, Saki Uchiha."

I turned them on and smiled. I took a kunai off the table. "Catch me if you can, Kiba Inuzuka."

I slipped out of bed, and Kiba followed. Akamaru stayed where he was. Kiba could overtake me easily, but he held back to let the game play out. Sometimes we pretended we were fighting a villain together, sometimes we fought each other. Either way, we ended up naked. I guess if this was the most excitement I was gonna get, I could do worse for myself.

When we came inside, clothed but dirty, Tobi was in the kitchen shifting through the pantry. "Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad," he said as if this were completely normal. For us it was.

"Tobi," I said. "Iruka called."

"Oh, no," he groaned. He threw his head back, and the hood of his red jacket fell. Tobi was about the same height as me now, I realized. Soon enough, he'd be the same age as Kiba and I had been when the war started. "Is this about Sarada and Boruto?"

"Yeah," I said. "Did she?"

"What?" Tobi asked.

"Beat his ass?" I laughed.

"Oh," grinned Tobi, shoveling a rice ball inside his mouth. "Of course she did. Boruto's a bitch." He went towards his room, Indra trailing behind as always. "So everything's okay?"

"Yeah," I said. "Just watch it is all. You don't want to be banned from the Academy."

"They won't ban me," he said. "They love me too much. Right, Indra?" The puppy too seemed to have grown a few inches this year.

"Watch that attitude," said Kiba. He looked at me, and I knew what he was thinking. That was _my_ attitude. And he was probably right. Tobi had done much worse, and everyone still loved him.

"What'd you do today, Tobi?" Kiba asked. "Were you training?"

"Actually, I spent the afternoon with Sarada," said Tobi. "And some of the other kids from her class. They're kinda cool sometimes. I was trying to teach then some stuff."

"Oh yeah?" Kiba asked. "That's very nice of you."

I smiled. "Why don't you sit down, Tobi. Let's catch up."

"Mom," he said, "I really don't feel like talking about Sarada and Boruto right now."

"Me neither," I said. "The world doesn't revolve around them. Tell me about your training. Tell me about your missions."

"Your mother wants to hear crazy ninja stories," Kiba clarified.

"Oh," he said. "Well, there's been nothing much. We did rescue a kid that was being held hostage."

"NO WAY!" I exclaimed, smiling more than I should have been. "What kind of sickos did that?!"

Tobi plopped down next to me. "They weren't shit. Some punks who wanted ransom from the rich family. The kid was kinda a snot, actually. I kinda wanted to leave him there."

"Did you get the bad guys?" I asked.

"Of course I did," said Tobi. "Or I'm not Obito Uchiha-Inuzuka."

My Wildfire, my Tobi. Iruka and Kakashi had both said that Tobi was an old soul. I remember laughing in their faces, but sometimes, I could see what they meant. He was a teenager, of course, and _my_ son, and he acted like it most of the time. But sometimes, he was like a shinobi you'd read about in history books. Fierce, fearless, steadfast, Tobi would have thrived in the days of old, when individual clans raged against one another at every turn. And yet here he was, in modern day Konoha, the longest era of peace ever known.

Kiba flipped on the TV as Tobi babbled, and we and our dogs eventually fell asleep in front of the glowing screen. Yep, this was our life now.


	27. Crouching Liger Hidden Portal

Every weekday morning, I woke up bright and early to go to NinPsych. I was almost exclusively a genjutsu psychiatrist now. After Tobi was born, I couldn't keep up bouncing between both the hospital and the clinic. Plus, despite the decline in dangerous shinobi ventures, I had an always growing client base. I didn't just cater to ninja anymore. Turns out regular folk had just as much fucked up shit to unload.

This morning, however, Shino was already waiting for me when I arrived. Shino was Kiba's best friend, but I still didn't feel that close to him. I hadn't even known he had an appointment.

"Oh, good morning, Shino," I said. "How can I help you?"

"I have an appointment," he said.

"Oh, really?" I said. "Those kids already getting to you, huh?" Shino groaned. I laughed and ushered him inside. "You can go right ahead to the treatment room, Shino. I'm just gonna brew myself a cup of coffee first. Would you like one? I also have tea and sake."

"No, thank you," he said, sitting down in the lounge chair.

I checked my appointments for the day and crossed Shino off the list. When my coffee was ready, I entered the treatment room and closed the door behind me. "Do you have allergies or sensitivities to incense?" I asked.

"No," he said.

"Do you have a scent preference?" I asked.

"No," he said. I knew this was going to be an easy appointment. I chose a woodsy scent, because I knew he liked being out in nature.

"Okay," I said, "now do you have a music or soundscape preference? Something that will relax you."

"Does there have to be noise?" he asked, annoyed.

"It helps you relax," I said. "How about some nature sounds, or running water?"

"Fine, fine," he said. I turned on the little rock fountain.

"Okay," I said. "Since this is your first visit, I'm going to explain the process for you. I use genjutsu to help people cope with stress and trauma in their lives. I _cannot_ erase memories, but I can reduce the stress and trauma that certain memories have on your psyche. I'm going to need you to remove your glasses," I said. "We need to be making direct eye contact for this to work." He sighed and took off his space specs. "Wow, Shino, you are handsome without your glasses," I said. "I mean, not that you're not handsome with them, just, it's a nice change." He grunted. "Okay, so you're going to have to talk to me about the experiences that are bothering you. Of course, these correspondences will be completely confidential between us, unless you divulge something that I must lawfully report."

"Naruto already knows everything that I am going to tell you," he said. "He recommended I come to you for help."

"Oh, okay then," I said. I hadn't been aware that Shino was so chummy with Naruto, but I made a mental note to thank Naruto for another referral. "Okay, I'm going to turn on my sharingan. You need to maintain eye contact with me while you're speaking. You may feel extra relaxed, or even numb, during the treatment. That's the genjutsu working. Some people have been known to pass out or wet themselves during the treatment."

"Oh, that is embarrassing," said Shino uncomfortably.

"I used to be a nurse, so, don't worry about it," I said. "Okay, this concludes the disclaimer portion of the session." I activated my sharingan. "Now look into my eyes. Very good. What is troubling you, Shino?"

"I almost killed three of my students," he answered.

Now, I'd had many teachers come to me for therapy since opening NinPsych, but usually they were just stressed about grading or evaluations or kids being out of control. This was much more serious, and I could see why Naruto had referred Shino to me. "Okay," I said. Remaining impartial was of utmost importance. Sometimes I would have to engage in some conversation with the patient to de-escalate their feelings, but the important thing was that they talked and focused on the memories. "And how did that happen?"

"I had been feeling like I wasn't connecting with my students, or reaching them, and I certainly was no good at controlling them, especially Boruto Uzumaki," said Shino.

"He is a little turd sometimes," I agreed. "Go on."

"And then I became overwhelmed with the urge to kill him."

I had heard _a lot_ of shit in this office, terrible things, and honestly, much more terrible things than wanting to kill a brat kid. But this was Shino, and this was my godson Boruto, so it was personal. As a professional, I can't get personal, but there was no way to stop the flood of emotion that came over me. I deactivated my sharingan and turned away from Shino.

"Saki?" Shino asked.

"Sorry, Shino," I said calmly. "I'm human too. Sometimes a patient will tell me something that will personally affect me, and if I get emotional during the treatment, I'll end up hurting you instead of helping."

"Right," he said, oddly calm as always.

"Okay, you're going to have to walk me through this before I can treat you," I said. "I'm sorry. It's not the best practice, but I have no choice."

"I understand," said Shino. "This is top secret Leaf intel, but Naruto told me I could share it with you. Not even Kiba knows."

"Kiba never knows anything. Go on," I said.

"There's been a series of incidents around the Academy of people suddenly acting strangely," he said. "Fits of rage, of madness, of hysteria."

"You know what? I think I did hear something like that," I said. "Tobi just chalked it up to the underclassmen being especially crappy. So it affected you? What is it, a bug? I mean, like, a germ bug. Not a bug bug, because you'd know all about that." I laughed nervously.

"We do not know what it is," said Shino, "but when it took hold of me, I was not myself. You must know that I would never hurt one of my students on purpose."

"Of course," I said.

"But I did," said Shino. "I would have killed them, had the hysteria not left me sooner. The knowledge that I was capable of such a thing haunts me."

"Well, we're all capable of killing," I said. "Do the kids in question understand what happened?"

"They understand as much as we do," said Shino.

"And how are they?" I asked. I was as concerned about the students as I was about Shino. The fact that their teacher targeted them for murder could have a lasting impact on their mental development.

"They forgave me immediately," he answered. Tears welled up in his eyes. "And I think that makes it all the harder for me, because I feel like I deserve so much more scorn!"

"Okay," I said, turning my sharingan on again. "I got it now. Talk more about that feeling, Shino."

* * *

I visited Naruto at the office that night. He was snoring in a pile of papers.

"Naru-bro," I said, slapping his desk to wake him up.

"I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL BECOME THE HOKAGE, BELIEVE IT!" Naruto exclaimed, and then he looked around at his surroundings, and then at me, and sighed. "Oh, hi Saki. I fell asleep."

"Dream come true, right?" I laughed. "Hey, so I talked to Shino today."

"Oh, good," he said. "I'm glad he saw you."

"Yeah, thanks for the referral," I said. "I think he's gonna come back. But how's Boruto?"

"Boruto?"

"Yeah, your son, Boruto," I said. "Shino tried to kill him. How's he holding up?"

"Oh, ummm...," he said. "I don't know. I haven't been home much."

"Ugh," I said. "I should have known. What is all of this paperwork, anyways?" I picked up a stack, and he ripped it away from me.

"Some of this stuff is confidential," he said. "You can't read it."

"Right," I said. "Still, you need to carve out some time to yourself, and time with your family. I see so many people who are just mentally deteriorated from overwork. It can take years off your life, bro."

"Yeah, well," he said, shuffling the papers back into a neat pile. "I'm the Hokage."

"You know I can help you too, right?" I said. "I used to come in here all the time for Kakashi. We'd throw on some jams, throw back some shots, and I'd massage him while he filled out paperwork."

Naruto gave me a weird look. "You did WHAT?!" I dug my fingers into his shoulders, and he moaned in pleasure.

"There are ways to make this job tolerable. Open up a window. Take the papers outside, for Sage sake. You need fresh air, and you need exercise. How's your diet? Are you eating instant ramen all the time, or are you getting any home cooking?" His moan gave me all the answer I needed. "Alright, look at me," I ordered, and he obeyed. I turned on my sharingan and projected a genjutsu on the room, making it appear that we were on a tropical beach.

"Wow, Saki," said Naruto. "You've been holding out on me."

"You never asked," I said, sitting down on the ledge. I took my flask out of my garter. "Want a pull?"

"No," said Naruto. "You know I can't hold my liquor...Was Kakashi buzzed the whole time he was Hokage?"

"Damn straight," I said.

"I suppose that would help," said Naruto with a laugh. "Although I'm afraid what I would do if I tried that."

I threw my head back and laughed. "Okay, well, I have a family to get back to. And so do you, by the way, you dork! Let me know if you need anything."

"Oh, you can drop in and do this _anytime,_ " he said. "Hey, when you were treating Shino, did you...see anything? Any indicator that something was, or had been, abnormal in him?"

"No," I said. "Plain, boring Shino. Sorry."

He sighed. "Okay, thanks, Saki."

Soon, all of Konoha was aware of the weird rage episodes, and Naruto was becoming increasingly neurotic about it, so of course I was there to help in any way I could. And I was excited, because _something was happening_. I hate to admit it, but there was definitely more pep in my step due to the weirdness in the village.

"You _sure_ you didn't see anything, Saki?" Naruto groaned. We were stationed on the top of the capitol building.

"Nope, sorry, bro," I said, turning off my sharingan. "Have you asked a Hyuga? Your wife, maybe?"

"She can't see anything either," he said sadly. "Damn! If only we could predict where these fits are coming from, we could maybe prevent the damage. Oh well. Turn my office into a beach again?"

"You got it!" I exclaimed, and then there was a massive boom. I turned my sharingan towards the sound, and I shrieked. "TAILED BEAST!"

"WHAT?!" he cried, turning around. "That's not...WHAT IS THAT?!"

"You're the Hokage! If you don't know, how the hell would I know?" I exclaimed.

"I'm DUMB, Saki! You know this! You told me every day for years!" Naruto shouted back. "You're the biology expert. What kind of animal is it?"

"Looks like a tiger. No, a lion. Ohhhhh...it's a _liger_!" I said.

"A _what?!_ Ugh...Where's Shikamaru?" he asked.

"I'll get Shikamaru. You go get that liger," I said.

"Saki, if I die...," Naruto started.

"Shut the fuck up, you're not going to die," I said.

"But if I do..."

"Tell Sasuke you love him. Got it."

* * *

Spoiler alert, Naruto didn't die, and the liger, which I later learned was called Nue, was gone. The girl who it was sealed in was a friend of Sarada's, and I was appointed to help her through her recovery.

The night of the Nue incident, Tobi was acting strange. He had locked himself up in his room playing video games alone. I went in to check on him.

"FUCK YOU, TENZI!" he shouted into his headset.

"Damn, Zuka!" I heard the Hyuga boy say through the line. "How the hell did you get so good all of a sudden?"

Tobi laughed evilly. "Practice, Tenzi. Practice." He turned away from the game for a moment to grab a handful of chips, and I got a glimpse of his face. His eyes were red.

"TOBI!" I shrieked.

"Shit, Tenzi, I gotta go. Mom's freaking out for no reason," said Tobi, scrambling to take off his headset and pause the game. "WHAT?!" he cried.

I knelt down and grabbed his face, but his eyes looked normal. "Oh," I said. "Sorry, I thought I saw something."

"You're weird, Mom," said Tobi. "Can I go back to kicking Tenzi's ass now?"

"I guess," I said, looking at the screen. It was _Ultimate Shinobi Deathmatch_ , a favorite among the teenage boys in the village. "Madara vs. Hashirama again?"

"I'm decimating him," Tobi growled happily.

I picked up the potato chips. "Can I watch?" I asked.

"Why?" he replied, making a disgusted face.

"Because you always lose this game," I laughed. "I want to see what you're doing differently this time. It's been a long day, Tobs."

"I'm not doing anything differently," he said oddly. "I just practiced a lot is all."

"Cool," I said. "Let's see then."

He grunted, but he conceded. He put his headset back on. "Okay, Tenzi, I'm back."

"Roger that, Zuka," said Tenzi.

They activated the game. I always got a kick out of the ridiculous dramatics of it.

"WELCOME TO ULTIMATE SHINOBI DEATHMATCH: FIGHT LIKE A LEGEND; DIE LIKE A LEGEND!" the game's narrator boomed. "PLAYERS, CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTERS!" The boys didn't alter their character choices. "PLAYER ONE, HASHIRAMA SENJU, VS...PLAYER TWO, MADARA UCHIHA! PLAYERS, PREPARE TO FIGHT; PREPARE TO DIE!"

Metal music blared through the speakers. The pixel versions of Hashirama and Madara started clashing pixel swords.

"BURN! BURN! BURN!" Tobi shouted, I presumed, at the poor little pixel Hashirama. I wondered if he made the same ridiculous exclamations when he was sparring at school.

"HASHIRAMA SENJU HAS ACTIVATED SAGE MODE!" the narrator boomed.

"FUCK, ALREADY?!" Tobi cried, fiddling with the controller combos. "MANGEKYOU!...come on, Mangekyou, Mangekyou…arghhhhhhhhhh!"

Pixel Hashirama roundhouse kicked pixel Madara in the face, and pixel Madara screamed and flew off the screen.

"HASHIRAMA SENJU IS VICTORIOUS!" the narrator boomed.

"DAMN IT!" Tobi cried, throwing down the controller.

I could hear Tenzi laughing through the headset speaker. "Now _that's_ more like it!" Tenzi declared.

"Shut up," said Tobi. "Mom threw off my game."

"Looked about the same as every other time I've watched you play this," I said.

"Rematch," said Tobi, fuming and turning his back to me.

"Your funeral, Zuka," said Tenzi.

They shuffled quickly through the pre-game spiel. "WELCOME TO ULTIMA...PLAYERS, CHOO...PLAYER ONE, HASHI... VS...PLAYER TWO, MADARA UCHIHA! PLAYERS, PREPARE TO FIGHT; PREPARE TO DIE!"

The metal music returned, and the fight began anew.

"MADARA UCHIHA HAS ACTIVATED THE MANGEKYOU SHARINGAN!" the narrator boomed.

"How the hell...?" I heard Tenzi say.

Kiba walked down the hallway with a basket of laundry, looked at Tobi, and gasped. He stopped and stared at Tobi.

"AMATERASU!" the pixel Madara declared, and pixel Hashirama was blasted with black pixel fire. Pixel Hashirama screamed.

"MADARA UCHIHA IS VICTORIOUS!" the narrator said.

"Fuck yeah!" exclaimed Tobi. "Did you see that, Mom? Decimated!"

"Yeah, check it out, Kiba," I said. "Our boy has mastered fighting in a video game. Aren't you proud?"

Alarm passed over Tobi's face, and he turned to his father in the doorway. "Hiiiiiii Dad..."

"He's not mastered _shit_!" Kiba exclaimed, partially laughing, partially gasping.

"Kiba?" I started.

"How long have you been able to do that?" Kiba demanded, looming over Tobi.

"Kiba! Calm down! It's just a game!" I demanded. "What's wrong with you?"

"And did you know?" he growled, looking at me.

"Know that he could activate a Mangekyou in a video game? No, but..."

"Tenzi, I gotta go," Tobi said as Kiba picked Tobi up by the collar.

"When were you going to tell us you'd activated a sharingan?" Kiba asked.

"When I...you're mistaken! I don't have a sharingan!" Tobi stumbled.

"I KNEW IT!" I shouted, jumping off Tobi's bed. "I _knew_ I saw a sharingan! You didn't get that good at video games overnight!" I grabbed Tobi out of Kiba's arms and hugged him tightly, then kissed both his cheeks, which smudged his red stripes. "But Tobi! Why wouldn't you tell us!?"

"Because...I knew you'd freak out."

"Well _of course_ we're freaking out!" I exclaimed. We'd been raising Tobi as an Inuzuka. He'd easily graduated Academy with Kiba's instruction alone and the ability to make a fireball. This sharingan opened up a whole new world for Tobi who was always trailing behind Tenzi Hyuga and his Byakugan. "I honestly didn't think this would happen for you when you inherited Inuzuka eyes."

"I guess I'm a real half breed," Tobi grinned.

"But why wouldn't you tell us?!" Kiba and I cried together.

"I wanted to tell you about the sharingan!" Tobi said. "But I don't want to tell you _how_ I got it."

Kiba's eyes widened, and he backed up. "Tobi...those are...those are _your_ eyes, ri..."

"KIBA!" I shouted. "How could you think...and where would he even...?"

"Wow, Dad," said Tobi. "Way to be clanist."

"Sorry...you really seem to favor Madara in that game there...go on, go on," said Kiba, blushing.

"Okay, so remember the big liger thing?" Tobi asked.

"It's called a Nue, son," said Kiba. Tobi had taken after me in the vocabulary department.

"Yeah, that thing. Oh, so, you can't tell the Uzumakis about this," said Tobi.

"Oh, great," said Kiba. "Can't tell the Hokage. Saki, this kid..."

"Don't act like he's all me," I laughed. "Sure, Tobi. Go on."

"So, I stumbled upon Boruto and that creepy white kid talking about the ghost incidents, and then the liger appeared. Yada yada yada I followed Boruto into a mystical portal, and I got my sharingan."

"YOU DID WHAT?!" Kiba boomed. "WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?!"

"AWWWWWW!" I squealed, hugging and kissing my son. "I'M SO PROUD!"

"NOOOOOOO!" Kiba yelled. "That was STUPID, TOBI! You can't just jump into mystical portals! You don't know where they go! You could have died! Saki, what the hell!?"

"But I didn't!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Kiba, HE GOT HIS SHARINGAN BECAUSE HE WAS PROTECTING BORUTO!" I cried. "I HAVE TO CALL HINATA!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOO!" Tobi shouted, tackling me. "Don't tell the Uzumakis! You promised! And I don't...I wasn't...Boruto sucks..."

"No, we're telling them. We're telling them our kids are IDIOTS who think it's okay to jump into portals," Kiba growled.

"Portals 0, Tobi 1," I said. Tobi high-fived me.

"Saki, you can't encourage this! Son, you're grounded," said Kiba.

"Awwwww!" Tobi said. "But Tenzi is having a mystical portal party this weekend!"

Kiba groaned. "You're grounded. You can go to training, and you can go to missions, but that's it. And while you're grounded, you're going to learn how to use that thing properly. It's not for cheating in video games, Tobi."

Someone knocked on the window. "What the hell, Zuka?" Tenzi said. "When were you going to tell me you became a real Uchiha?"

"Tenzi, how...," and then he looked at the green light at the headset. "Oh."

"Bye, Tenzi," said Kiba. "Tobi is grounded."

"Wow, he's grounded because he got his sharingan?" Tenzi asked.

"No, I'm grounded because I helped Boruto," said Tobi.

"Oh, that makes more sense," said Tenzi. "So Mama Zuka, are you gonna train this pup or what?"

"Oh," I said, looking at Tobi. "I guess I am. I'm the only one in the village who has one."

"Can I watch?" asked Tenzi.

"Tobi's grounded!" Kiba reminded us.

"Oh, let him stay," I said. "I could use the extra support. I don't really know how to do this, to be honest."

"It's alright, Mom," said Tobi. "It's only the weight and honor of the entire Uchiha clan."


	28. Uchiha Drama

Tobi was not catching onto this genjutsu thing.

"Well, of _course_ I can't do it!" Tobi said, exasperated. "You and Tenzi also have crazy eyes. You're too good. I need to practice on Dad."

"That's actually not a bad idea," said Tenzi.

I could only imagine the blow to Kiba's ego when I asked him to be a dummy for Tobi to practice genjutsu on. "Well, Kiba's out on a mission," I said. "So you're going to have to just toughen up."

"AUNT SAKI!" called a small female voice. We looked to see Sarada, who appeared distraught.

"Hey, sweetie," I said. "What's wrong?"

"Sarada!" Tobi exclaimed, beaming. "Sarada, I have a favor..."

"Not now," I scolded Tobi. "What's wrong, Sarada?"

"Mom broke the house," said Sarada.

"What do you mean, 'broke the house'?" I asked.

"She punched too hard, and it crumbled," she said.

Tobi, Tenzi and I just stared at her. "Damn," I said. "So you need a place to stay, then."

"Yeah," she said, "but I also wanted to ask you something."

"Okay," I said.

She looked at the boys. "Alone, please, Aunt Saki."

"Ohhh," I said. "Okay. Tenzi, Tobi, work on taijutsu until I get back."

"Yes, Saki-sensei," Tenzi said, bowing.

I ushered Sarada into the house. "What's wrong, sweetie?" I asked again.

"Can you tell me about my father?" Sarada asked.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" was all I could say for an uncomfortable length of time. "Shouldn't...didn't...this isn't my place, dear," I finally stammered. "You need to talk to your mother about this."

"She won't tell me anything!" Sarada exclaimed and stomped.

"What...what do you know?" I asked, realizing I was trodding on really thin ice by even asking that question. I hadn't discussed this with Sakura at all. I was grateful, though, that Sarada had come to me and not Tobi, because Tobi would have unleashed all kinds of potentially traumatic information on her. I had _assumed_ Sakura was handling this with Sarada on her end. I should know better.

"All my mom ever says is my dad is on some big important mission," said Sarada.

"That's true," I said, relieved this conversation wasn't going any deeper into the past. "Your dad is making sure that those who started the Fourth Shinobi World War don't return."

"But we never see him," said Sarada. "Does he even care about me and mom?"

I sighed. "Yes," I said. "In his own way. It's not...it's not the life I'd have chosen, for you and your mom, but...your dad is...he shows he cares in very unconventional ways."

I knew it wasn't a satisfying answer. I certainly wouldn't be satisfied by it, hell, I _wasn't_ satisfied by it. Sasuke did work for the village that only he can do, and keeping the village safe was how he showed his loyalty and his love for us. But I also knew there was still that cowardly part of him that was avoiding everyone due to his shame from the past. Yes, he was busy, but it wasn't impossible for him to come back to the village from time to time. It would probably take Sarada her entire life to truly understand, and nothing I said now could make it make sense. I took her in my arms, and the next words out of her mouth shocked me.

"Am I really mom's daughter?" she asked.

"WHAT?" I exclaimed. "Yes, a thousand times yes. What makes you think otherwise?"

"I wasn't born in the Leaf," said Sarada.

"Right," I said.

"And neither of my parents have glasses," she said.

"Okay, and?" I asked. "Lots of Uchiha have eye problems."

She whipped out a picture of Sasuke, Jugo, Suigetsu and Karin. "That woman has glasses," she said.

"Oh, hell, where'd you find this?" I asked.

"In a picture frame," she said.

"Sakura _framed_ this?" I gasped. Geez, Sakura. Sasuke was wearing an Akatsuki robe. That'd be like me keeping pictures of Grandpa Masked Madara around. Well, at least Orochimaru wasn't in it. "Okay, ummm, these are your dad's old friends."

"Who's that woman, Aunt Saki?" Sarada asked.

"Her name is Karin," I said.

"How do you know she's not my mom?" asked Sarada.

"Because your dad's not desperate," I laughed. "And because you spent your first months in the village here, with your mom, who was very much a woman who had given birth." Sarada scowled. I could see she was still fixated on this idea. "C'mon, sweetie. Wanna make some cookies?"

"Unless you can make me a dad, I think I'll be going," said Sarada. She went out the front door, taking my heart with her.

* * *

Sakura came over the next day with full suitcases. "I'm so sorry about this, Saki," she said.

"It's fine," I said. "Who hasn't accidentally punched their house down?"

"Right...," Sakura said, laughing nervously. "Where's Sarada?"

"She's not with you?" I asked.

"No. I thought she was with you," said Sakura.

"She came here yesterday, but..," I stopped, not sure how to explain my encounter with Sarada yesterday.

"She must be with the Akimichis," said Sakura. "I'll call them after I unpack just to make sure."

I couldn't hold it in. "Sakura, we need to talk," I said.

"Oh? What happened?" she asked, opening her first suitcase.

"Sarada came here yesterday asking me questions about her dad," I said.

"Oh no," said Sakura, hanging her head. "She did the same thing to me yesterday. That's kinda what lead to the house incident."

"Oh," I said. "So you heard she doesn't think you're her mom?"

"WHAT?!" she cried.

"Oh, shit," I said. "Yeah, she thinks her mom is Karin. For the record, I told her there's no way that's possible."

"Good," she said. "Ugh, is that where this is all coming from? And how does she even know about Karin?"

"Okay, now _that's_ what we need to discuss. You need to explain Sasuke to her," I said.

"I have," said Sakura. "Sasuke's her dad, and he loves her very much, and he's doing important work for the village."

"No no no," I said. "Not the bedtime story version. The whole, ugly ass truth."

"Sasuke wants to tell her himself, in his own time," said Sakura.

"Oh, I totally back that," I said, "but that time is _now,_ Sakura. Sarada needs a father. A real, present, loving father."

"You know that's not possible, Saki," said Sakura.

"And you know it is," I said. "He sees Naruto more than he sees you and Sarada. That's fucked up, Sakura. He is more than capable of spending time with you and Sarada from time to time."

"And how would we explain scorn he'd receive from everyone?" asked Sakura. "I don't want her to see him that way."

"He took down Orochimaru, Itachi, Danzo, Kaguya...he can handle a little _scorn_. He just doesn't want to. You can't let him run his whole life from you guys," I said. I could see she was starting to cry. "You can't tell me you're okay with this arrangement," I said. "You and Sarada deserve so much better."

"He's doing a great service, not only to the village, but to the whole shinobi world," she whispered.

"I get that," I said, "but all Sarada gets is that she's never seen her dad. She doesn't care what he did in the past, and she doesn't care what he's doing now. She just needs to be with him. And if you don't force him, he never will, Sakura. He'll run his whole life. It's what he does."

She pulled her suitcases into the guest room and shut the door.

* * *

Kiba and Akamaru came home that evening. I met him with a hug and a kiss as always.

"We have the house to ourselves?" he asked, looking around.

"For now," I said. "Ugh, Kiba, you've missed some shit."

"Oh no, what'd Tobi do?" he asked.

"Nothing, shockingly enough," I said. "There's Uchiha drama though."

"What'd Sasuke do?" Kiba growled.

"Nothing," I said. "That's the problem. Sarada came by asking about him, then she went missing. Chocho is gone too. Sakura went out looking for them."

"Shit," said Kiba.

"And Sakura also punched down her house, so they're going to be staying with us until they rebuild," I said.

"Ohhhkay," said Kiba. "But they're gone now?"

"Yeah, for now," I said.

"And Tobi too?"

"With his squad," I said.

Kiba looked at Akamaru, and Akamaru tucked his tail between his legs and turned to the door. Kiba let him out, then picked me up and kissed me. He threw me on the couch, and we went at it like we were seventeen again.

"I wasn't expecting you back yet," I whispered in his ear. "How about I go slip into something less comfortable, and we'll make a night of it?"

"I love you," he said, licking my cheek.

I retreated to the bedroom and opened up the lingerie drawer. I picked up the furry bikini first, but a night like this definitely called for the sexy kunoichi getup. I was halfway into the skin-tight mesh when my computer pinged four times. I went to close it, but the messages on the screen got my attention. They were from Suigetsu: a smiling poop emoji, an eggplant emoji, and the overly attached girlfriend meme.

I rolled my eyes and typed:

 ** _~*~SharinganSorceress~*~:_ No, Sui, Sasuke didn't fuck Karin.**

 ** _HereComesHoneySuiSui:_ KARIN IS THE BABY MOMMA!**

 ** _~*~SharinganSorceress~*~_ : U stupid**

 ** _HereComesHoneySuiSui_ : I ran a test w Karin's umbilical cord.**

Fuck, I thought, why now? I sat down at the computer.

 ** _~*~SharinganSorceress~*~:_ Disregarding y u even have that, wut is going on?**

 ** _HereComesHoneySuiSui:_ Sarada came asking questions so I ran a DNA test**

 ** _~*~SharinganSorceress~*~:_ Dafuq? Sarada is there?**

 ** _HereComesHoneySuiSui:_ Naruto brought her w Sasuke and some lil fat grl**

 ** _~*~SharinganSorceress~*~:_ Where u guys at?**

 ** _HereComesHoneySuiSui:_ Orochimaru's hideout duh**

 ** _~*~SharinganSorceress~*~:_ Omw**

 ** _HereComesHoneySuiSui:_ Ooooh, Sasuke, u in TROUBLE!**

I slammed the computer shut. Motherfuck. I couldn't even begin to figure out how point A got to point B here, but that wasn't my concern. I threw on my combat boots and grabbed my katana.

"Kiba!" I exclaimed, bursting back out into the living room. "Kiba, I'm so sorry, I..."

"Oh my god," said Kiba, "why do you have the katana?"

"Kiba, I need to take Akamaru. There's an emergency," I said.

"No," groaned Kiba. "Is this about the thing from earlier?"

"Yeah," I said. "Naruto, Sasuke, Sarada, and Chocho are all at Orochimaru's hideout for Sage knows why, and it's possible Karin really is Sarada's mom."

"Oh, fuck him," said Kiba. "Alright. Just don't jump into any mystical portals."

"Really?" I asked. "You're not going to try to stop me?"

"Nah," he said. "Squad is life. Do what you think you need to do."

I gave him one more passionate kiss. "When I get home, you can do whatever you want with me," I whispered.

"So long as Sakura, Sarada, and Tobi are out of the house," he clarified.

"Naturally," I said. I left.

* * *

Suigetsu directed me to where my targets went. I couldn't believe they still had the two kids with them, but I guess I wouldn't have left them with Suigetsu and Orochimaru either.

"Hey, Saki, want to go to the Hidden Mist with me after this?" Suigetsu asked before I remounted Akamaru and went on my way.

"Kinda," I admitted. "Pleasure or business?"

"What's the difference?" he asked playfully.

"I'm not helping you steal swords, Sui," I said.

"Fine," he groaned.

"And by the way, speaking of pleasure, are you and Orochimaru still...?" I started to gag thinking about it.

"A lady never tells," said Sui, blushing and fanning himself.

"You are _no_ lady," I said. "And I've said it once, and I'll say it again...you can do soooo much better!"

"Oh, Saki, how easily you forget I'm a bad boy," he said. "And looks like you've been a bad girl. What are you planning to do in _that_ outfit?"

I had not bothered to change out of the sexy kunoichi lingerie. "Honestly, I've seen kunoichi wear much less than this on the battlefield," I said. "Alright, I've got another bad boy to deal with. See ya, Sui."

When I arrived at my destination, Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke, Sarada, and Chocho were coming out of a cave followed by a bunch of little white kids. I had a million questions about that, but I couldn't bother with that now.

"SASUKE!" I cried, swinging my katana at him.

"Saki, NO!" Naruto and Sakura cried, holding me back from him. My blade got really close to his face.

"FIREBALL JUTSU!" I exclaimed, blowing flame at him. He jumped backwards to dodge it.

"AUNT SAKI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Sarada screamed.

Sakura slammed me to the ground. Akamaru whined and licked my face. "Saki, what the hell?" Sakura asked.

"That bitch crazy...," I heard Chocho whisper.

I dusted myself off. "Sasuke, Sakura...is Sarada really your child or not? Suigetsu says..."

"REALLY, Saki? You actually think I'd take care of KARIN'S daughter?" Sakura asked. "Is that how little you think of me?"

"Stranger things have happened," I said. "I don't know what to think anymore."

"What are you wearing...?" Naruto asked, blushing.

Sasuke stepped forward. "You are so annoying," he said, offering me a hand. I took it reluctantly. "You were going to fight me over something Suigetsu told you?"

"Mrs. Inuzuka, you're cool and all, but that is suicide," said Chocho.

"Hey, who asked you?" I snapped at her. "Why are you even here?"

"Why are you even here?" Chocho asked. We glared at each other for a moment, then moved on.

"This is my fault," said Sarada. "Mom, Dad, I asked Suigetsu to do a DNA test for me because I thought this Karin woman was my mother, and it came back positive."

"Well then he did it wrong," said Sakura. She looked at me, and Sarada, and then she threw her head back and laughed.

"Mom?" Sarada asked. "What is funny? Aunt Saki just tried to kill dad."

"Oh, Sarada," said Sakura, "you have so much to learn about your family."

"Welcome to clan, sweetie," I said. Sakura and I hugged, and then I pulled Sasuke in as well, despite his grunt of protest. "Sorry I tried to kill you, Sasuke. I know you have more sense than to fuck Karin and try to pawn the kid off on Sakura."

"You would have come for me way sooner had that been the case," he said.

"But while we're on the topic," I said, grabbing him by the shoulders. "Can you like, actually be a father and a husband? Just for a little bit, every once in a while? Sarada is going to inherit the Uchiha clan. Are you really comfortable leaving me in charge of that portion of her education?"

"Uhhhh," Sasuke said. "I mean, she could do worse..." I slapped him, and the girls gasped. Naruto and Sakura started cracking up. "GROW A PAIR, SASUKE! TAKE CARE OF YOUR FUCKING FAMILY!"

"I am taking care of..." I raised my hand again, and winced. "Okay, okay! Geez."

I let him go and smiled. "There, Sakura. That's how you do it."

"Mrs. Inuzuka!" Chocho exclaimed. "You are incredible! Please teach me all you know about men!"

I patted her head. "When you're older, Chocho. Okay, is someone going to explain all this noise to me, then?" I said, gesturing to the little white kids. "They look like mini Zetsus with sharingan."

"We can explain on the way back," said Naruto.

"Can I ride home with Aunt Saki and Akamaru?" Sarada asked, hugging the white dog.

"Me too! Me too!" Chocho exclaimed.

"I don't know if Akamaru can support all that weight," I said, and then I caught Chocho's glare and covered my mouth. "I mean...just in general, he's never carried three people before."

"The real question is how we're getting all these kids back to the village," said Sasuke.

"I thought we'd work in escort teams to usher them to the orphanage," said Naruto. "Saki will go with Sarada and Chocho. Each of us can escort a group individually."

I did as I was told, and Sarada and Chocho kinda explained the kid situation. I was able to pull Sasuke aside at the orphanage to clarify and fill in the blanks.

"Okay," I said, after I had the story straight. "So, you and I obviously have our differences, but I think we can agree that Naruto is dumb."

"Naturally," said Sasuke. "They should all be destroyed."

"I agree," I said. "I mean, they've already proven themselves capable of some shady shit. And we're leaving them with Kabuto, who has proven himself very capable of some shady shit. This is a recipe for disaster. We just handed an unstable person an army."

"An army with stolen sharingan," Sasuke agreed. "It's a mockery of our clan." He clenched his fist.

"Do we treat them as Uchiha?" I asked. "Sasuke, you need to stick around and monitor this."

"I'm going to stay for a bit," he said. "You know how to reach me if you notice anything?"

"Our bird died, and we haven't replaced it," I admitted. "I'll use Sakura's."

"Okay, thanks," said Sasuke. "If anything goes down with those kids, it's going to look terrible for our clan."

"Just what we need," I said. "Oh, while you're here, you should spend some time with Obito. He just got his sharingan."

"Obito too?"

"What, who else? Ohhh...Sarada has them?"

"Yeah. We think Shin was targeting her for them."

"Oh, hell," I said. "So that means those fuckers could come after me and Tobi."

"People don't know about you and Tobi, far and wide," said Sasuke. "But they know you now. Keep on guard."

"Oh, hell," I said.

"And if things go south, and I'm not around, do what you need to do, alright?" Sasuke asked. "Any means necessary. I know you're harder inside than Naruto and Sakura."

I understood and nodded. I activated my sharingan and weaved a hand sign. "Ninja art: Smoke Sentinel," I said. I breathed out, and a man of fire appeared. "He'll keep an eye on things."

"Did you invent that jutsu?" Sasuke asked, impressed. The flames faded, and the fire turned to smoke. Sasuke gasped, and Obito Uchiha's likeness winked at him before dissipating.

"If I activate my sharingan, I can look in at this place at any time as long as the smoke remains," I said.

"You are always full of surprises, Saki," said Sasuke.


	29. Fang Passing Flame

**A/N: Last one for a while, waiting on more source material. Thanks for all the continued follows, favorites, reviews!**

* * *

The doorbell rang. Chisana spun in circles and yapped at the door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I called to my brown and white Japanese chin. I placed the laundry basket down at the end of the hallway and answered the door. Boruto and a man with dark grey hair and purple stripes over his eyes were standing there.

"Hi, Aunt Saki! Is Tobi home?" Boruto asked. I looked into the man's eyes, and he placed a finger over his mouth indicating I should hush.

"BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN!" Tobi yelled from his room.

I laughed. "Sure, Boruto, he's just playing video games. What's this about?"

Chisana sniffed at the man's legs and hopped up on her hind legs, wagging her tail at him. I picked her up.

"This is Mr. Sukea," said Boruto. "He's interviewing academy students about why they want to be ninja, and I thought he might like to talk to Tobi, since he's taking the chunin exams this year."

"Ohhhhh, uh-huh," I said. "Hello, _Mr. Sukea_. Come on in." I winked.

"Aunt Saki, don't flirt with Mr. Sukea. It's weird," Boruto said, showing himself in.

"If I had a yen for every time I heard that," I whispered. "Tobi! You have visitors!" I called, heading to Tobi's room. Chisana looked over my shoulder at Kakashi and whimpered. She, too, loved Kakashi.

Tobi sighed as he walked out into the living room. "Hey, Squirt," he said to Boruto.

"That's not my name," Boruto grumbled. "Tobi, this is..." Tobi's jaw had dropped upon recognizing Kakashi without a mask. "You guys are acting weird," Boruto said.

I put a hand on Tobi's shoulder. "Tobi, _Mr. Sukea_ here is interviewing young ninja. Isn't that right, _Mr. Sukea_?" Chisana jumped out of my arms and onto Kakashi. "Oh, so sorry, Mr. Sukea." I scooped her up again and shooed her outside.

Tobi raised an eyebrow at Boruto. "Alright, I'll play along," said Tobi. "Hi, Mr. Sukea. My name is Obito Uchiha-Inuzuka, but my family calls me Tobi. All my friends from Academy call me Wildfire Inuzuka."

Kakashi flipped on his camera. "How'd you get a name like that, Tob...erm...Obito?"

"My real name or my nicknames?" Tobi asked. "They're all _loooong_ stories. I'm called Obito because Obito Uchiha was my great-grandfather. I'm called Tobi because Mom doesn't think it's _at all weird_ to call me by his Akatsuki name." Tobi shot me a playful glare at that one, and I shrugged. "And I'm called Wildfire because I burnt down the science wing in the Academy."

"Tobi was born in the wrong class," Boruto said proudly. "He's a troublemaker like us."

"I was showing off for a girl, honestly," said Tobi, turning red and laughing. "She couldn't get her burner to turn on, so I used fire jutsu to do it. I'm much better at controlling my jutsu now." Indra came down the hallway and made a beeline for Kakashi. The ninken leaped up and licked Kakashi's face, causing him to drop the camera to protect the purple stripes that were adhered to his skin. "Indra!" scolded Tobi. "That's not how we greet _strangers_." Tobi drew the half-grown Akita to him. Indra looked at Tobi questioningly and grumbled. "This is my ninken Indra. I named him after the progenitor of the Uchiha clan."

"So you really embrace both sides of your lineage, huh?" Kakashi asked.

"Naturally," said Tobi. "I like to say I'm a half-breed. There's never been anyone like me before."

"So, Obito, I hear you're taking the chunin exams this year," said Kakashi. "Why did you decide to become a ninja, and what makes you want to continue the career?"

"To honor my clans," Tobi answered. "One of my goals, and I know it's Mom's too, is to change the perception of the Uchiha clan. We've had a rough go of it, and most of that is our own stupid fault. But the Inuzuka know that to temper a strong trait in an animal, you have to mix breeds every once in a while. So I'm using my Inuzuka training to enhance my Uchiha nature and bring glory to both. Another one of my goals is to eventually merge the fire jutsu with the Inuzuka techniques."

"Wow, Tobi," Boruto said. "I didn't know you were so..."

"Motivated?" Kakashi offered. "Serious?"

"I mean, being a ninja is also pretty badass, so there's that. You know, Squirt, you're a mixed breed too," said Tobi. "You're part Hyuga, part Uzumaki, part Namikaze. Those are all really strong clans. I imagine you'll come up with some great stuff too." He ruffled Boruto's hair. "And one day, maybe, you'll be strong enough to face me." Boruto stared at Tobi in disbelief, then looked downward in introspection. "Any other questions, Mr. Sukea?" asked Tobi.

"No, Obito, that was just what I think we needed," said Kakashi.

"Mr. Sukea, have some tea. I made your favorite," I said.

Boruto glared at me. "Aunt Saki, do you _know_ Mr. Sukea?"

"Uhhhh...did I say _your_ favorite? I meant _our_ favorite. You know, Tobi and me."

Boruto glared at me, then at Mr. Sukea. "I don't know what's going on here, but I feel like Uncle Kiba should know about it," he said, then went on his merry way.

When he was all the way out the door, I cracked. "IF I HAD A YEN FOR EVERY TIME I HEARD THAT!" I exclaimed.

"That kid is _soooo_ dumb!" Tobi groaned.

"Hey now," said Kakashi, taking off the wig and the stripes. "Boruto doesn't have the advantage of your nose." He accepted the tea I'd brewed.

"So you're going to proctor the survival test?" Tobi asked.

"Yes," said Kakashi. "I don't do it every year, of course. Just when I think the class is particularly interesting."

"Well, Boruto's class is all kinds of interesting," I said.

"Think he'd break his arm?" Tobi asked Kakashi.

Kakashi took a sip of tea. "Well, now, there's only one student who's ever done _that_ ," Kakashi said. Tobi smiled.

"I still can't believe you passed this kid with that injury," I said, oblivious.

"Tobi here had a will that is quite rare," said Kakashi. "And your teammates, then, are Tenzi Hyuga and..."

"Yamarashi Sato," said Tobi. "And my sensei is Marishiku Nara."

"Ohhh, Marishiku-sensei!" I said. "Would you believe, Kakashi, that Tobi here has a crush on his sensei?"

"Mom...!" Tobi grumbled.

"Oh really now?" Kakashi laughed. "Your son? Nah...!"

"She's so powerful," Tobi said with a sigh. "She doesn't take shit from _anyone_!"

"Well, I'll be looking forward to seeing you in the finals," said Kakashi, "and some of that new jutsu you're developing."

"Oh, that," said Tobi. "I'm a long ways away from achieving something like that."

"Tobi has goals that surpass what I or Kiba can help him with," I said. "I know Naruto would be the best person in the village to ask about fusing jutsu, but he's too busy."

"Maybe you could help me, Kakashi?" Tobi asked hopefully.

"Well, I did assist Naruto in that department," said Kakashi, "but, the real mastermind behind the Rasenshuriken was Yamato."

"SWAGMASTER YAMATO?!" Tobi exclaimed. "I've never met him! Do you think he could come help me?"

"HA!" I burst. "I'm pretty sure Yamato took this Orochimaru duty to ensure he'd be far away from me and my spawn."

"I'll see what I can do," said Kakashi.

* * *

One week later, Yamato was at our door. "Yamato Yamato Yamato Yamato! Want to hear a rap!?" I cried, throwing my arms around him.

"No," he said simply, awkwardly returning my hug. "Where's this kid of yours?" This was him being happy to see me. Ducking Yamato.

"Yo yo yo, Swagmaster Yamato!" Tobi greeted. "I'm Obito, ya know!"

Yamato groaned. "Hello, Obito."

"I've heard so much about you!" said Tobi. "You've gotta show me wood style! Do you play _Ultimate Shinobi Deathmatch?_ My bro Tenzi always plays as Hashirama."

"Ultimate...Shinobi...Deathmatch?" Yamato repeated incredulously.

"I'll show you later," said Tobi. "Should we go out back, Mom?"

"Sure," I said, beaming. "Sake, Yamato?"

"No, no thank you," he said. "Is Mr. Inuzuka around? I got the information he sent, and I think I have a strategy, but it would probably help if he were here."

"Yeah, he's asleep. I'll wake him up, and we'll meet you outside. And thank you, Yamato. You know you didn't have to do this, and I know you probably didn't want to," I said.

"Nonsense, Saki," said Yamato. "You know I love this sort of thing."

* * *

Tobi was demonstrating some of his skills when Kiba and I joined them outside.

"Okay, Obito," said Yamato, "up until now, things have come very easily to you. That won't be the case anymore. We're entering uncharted territory. We don't even know if what we want to do is possible. Things could get very frustrating. Understand?"

"Yes," Tobi said.

"This training could also get very dangerous for you and Indra," said Yamato. "For all we know, attempting to merge these two techniques could alter your bodies beyond repair. Naruto's first attempt at a Rasenshuriken resulted in an unusable jutsu that severed chakra points in his arm. Thankfully we realized this in time and were able to correct it. You may not be so lucky. Understand?"

"Yes," Tobi said. I took Kiba's hand for assurance.

"At the very least, I think this yard is in for a beating," said Yamato. "Okay. When you used your Human Beast Clone earlier, I saw Indra had a sharingan. Can he use it?"

"Ummm?" Tobi said. "I don't know. How can we know?"

"Do your Human Beast Clone again," Yamato instructed, picking a stick off the ground. Tobi obliged, and soon there were two Tobis with glowing red sharingan. Yamato threw a stick at Indra, and Indra leaped into the air and caught it with his mouth. "Ummm...okay, that's not what I wanted," said Yamato. "Ummm, here." He threw a rock at Indra's head, and Indra dodged it, then growled, stick still in mouth. "I'm trying to figure out if Indra has the same heightened visual prowess."

"We can see if Indra can do a manipulated shuriken technique," Tobi said.

"Indra knows how to throw shuriken?" asked Yamato.

"Sure," Tobi said. "He's not as good as me, though."

"I see," said Yamato. "Did you have to teach him, or did he just do it himself?"

"I had to teach him," I said.

"Okay," said Yamato. "Sounds like Indra inherits the same basic abilities as you when he transforms, but needs to strengthen them through training the same as you. Is that right, Mr. Inuzuka?" Kiba nodded. "And then you can communicate with the ninkens?"

"When we bind chakra with our ninken, we get an innate ability to understand each other," said Kiba. "So yes. Indra understands what Tobi says to him, and Tobi understands Indra. It's not like we speak dog, we just...get each other."

Yamato nodded. "Tobi, see if Indra can turn off the sharingan independent of you."

"Okay," Tobi said. "Hey, Indra." Indra was sitting on the ground, trying to scratch behind his human ear with his human leg. "Indra, can you turn the sharingan off?" Indra cocked his head to the side in confusion and grumbled. Tobi sat down next to him. "Your eyes. We have new eyes now, see?" He pointed to his eyes, and Indra licked his face.

"Indra's not the brightest crayon in the box, is he?" I whispered to Kiba.

"Neither is Tobi," Kiba admitted.

"Smarter than Boruto, though," I said.

"Fuck yeah," Kiba said smugly.

"Okay, Indra, now do what I do," said Tobi. "I'm focusing on my eyes, and I'm going to turn them off. Imagine a candle being blown out. Or, ummm...imagine your eyes are bowls of food, and you're going to eat all the food in the bowl. Got it?" Indra barked. "Okay! Watch me first!" Tobi closed his eyes and turned his sharingan off. "Now you!" Indra closed his eyes and opened them again, but the sharingan was still there. I felt my stomach drop. Well, this dream was dying fast. Indra closed his eyes again, concentrating. When he opened them again, I gasped. The sharingan was gone. "He did it!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Great!" said Yamato. "Now we know that Indra can manipulate chakra independently of you. So our next step will be to teach Indra the Fireball Jutsu."

"What?!" we gasped.

"Since Indra is an integral part of your jutsu, it won't be possible to merge fire style with it if he can't do it. We know you share abilities, but if he isn't trained to use them, we won't get anywhere else."

"So this training isn't going to be for _me_ at all," Tobi said.

"Not yet," he said. "In fact, I think that I can skip this part of it, if you don't mind. Let me know when Indra can produce a fireball, and we'll move on."

"You could always stay with us, Yamato," I said.

"Ummm...thanks, Saki, but I have my post to get back to," Yamato said.

"I love you too, Yamato."

* * *

The chunin exams were upon us, and we met up with Sakura and Sarada for the event. "Ohmygosh, would you look at that!" I said, pointing at the banners that surrounded the stadium. A huge picture of Tobi and Indra was flailing in the breeze, accompanied by the Konoha leaf, and both the Inuzuka and Uchiha crests.

"Woah," some random person walking by said, "Uchiha-Inuzuka? How's that even possible?"

"Damn, I didn't think the Uchiha had any heirs left," said their friend. "Oh man, this is gonna be good!"

"I feel sorry for the kids who are going to have to face that one," the first person agreed. They walked on.

I squealed. "Tobi's famous!"

"Not to be critical, but, doesn't Tobi need a haircut?" Sakura asked. "His hair is falling over his eyes."

I sighed. "He won't get one. He wants to grow his hair out like Madara Uchiha."

"You're _still_ sure this obsession with Madara is okay?" Kiba asked nervously.

"He just wants to look intimidating is all," I said.

"People think he looks scary already," said Sarada, "but a lot of girls like him. _A lot of girls._ " She rolled her eyes. "But mostly the weird ones. The popular girls like Tenzi."

"Oh, and he wants to get a drum set now," said Kiba.

"Oh no," said Sakura.

"Well, Tenzi plays the guitar, so now they think they're gonna be a rock duo or something," I explained.

"Interesting," said Sakura. "And how was the training with Yamato?"

Kiba and I looked at each other and smiled. "Honestly," said Kiba, "I don't think I would want to fight Tobi."

* * *

"AUNT SAKI! AUNT SAKURA! UNCLE KIBA!" Boruto cried across the stadium.

"Oh, there they are," I said. "Hi, Bouto! Hinata!"

"Bought time," Hinata said when we sat down in the seats they'd saved. "I was calling to you for two whole minutes."

"Oh, really?" I said. "Weird, how didn't we hear that?"

"So Obito's up first," said Hinata, looking at the program.

"SARADA!" Chocho came bounding through the stands. "Tobi's up first! Are you nervous?"

"Why would I be nervous?" asked Sarada. "And what are you wearing on your head?"

Chocho was wearing a black headband with pointy black ears attached to it. She made awkward eye contact with me and whipped them off. "Some girls in Tobi's class are selling them," she said.

"Ugh," Boruto and Sarada said together, and then they looked at each other awkwardly.

"I think they're cute," said Himawari. Chocho handed them to her, and she put them on her head and meowed.

"Woah, woah, woah," I said. "It's 'woof,' Himawari. Woof woof."

"Woof," Himawari repeated happily.

From the Hokage's box, Naruto interrupted our chatter with the opening speech, and then he turned control over to the proctor, Shikamaru. "THE FIRST MATCH: FROM THE LEAF, OBITO UCHIHA-INUZUKA VS. FROM THE GRASS, HIDEYOSHI AKIKO!" Shikamaru announced.

Cheers and gasps rippled through the crowd. I clutched Kiba's hand.

"He's gonna be fine, Saki," said Kiba.

"We don't know this grass kid," I said. "And I've never seen him in real battle before."

"Shikamaru won't let him die," Kiba said. "GO TOBI!"

Tobi and Indra stepped into the stadium. A gaggle of teenagers sitting along the edge of the battle ring stood up and howled, and Tobi howled back. "How many of Tobi's classmates made it this far?" Sakura asked me.

"Let me see this," I said, grabbing the program. "There's Tenzi. Oh, shit. If Tobi wins this, and Tenzi wins his match, then they'll be facing each other next."

"That's what happens," said Kiba.

Hideyoshi Akiko looked to be a few years older than Tobi. He had facial hair, but his eyes were young. He wore a brown robe with a mesh undershirt, and his hair was tied up in a man bun.

"Oh, look at this clown," I said. "He's toast."

"What happened to, 'we don't know this grass kid'?" Kiba asked.

"Man bun. I know everything I need to know," I said. "Chocho, chip me."

"Huh?" Chocho asked, looking at my outstretched hand like it was offensive.

"I need to stress eat," I said. "Chip me."

She scowled but handed over a bag of lightly salted potato chips, and Shikamaru started the match. Man Bun and Tobi regarded each other, neither wanting to show their cards too soon. Man Bun drew a katana to initiate combat. Tobi weaved a sign and entered Beast Mode. Man Bun narrowed his eyes in confusion. He made a move to attack Tobi, and Tobi dodged it. Tobi initiated Fang Passing Fang. Indra and Tobi spun in a vortex and barreled towards Man Bun who ditched his katana in panic. Man Bun made an Earth Wall to block them, but Man Bun was too slow, and the Tobi and Indra were able to bust through it. Tobi released the jutsu and started to engage him in hand-to-hand combat in Beast Mode.

Man Bun wasn't a pushover. Tobi got some good scratches on him, and he got some punches in on Tobi. In one swift moment, Man Bun drew his katana. Tobi transferred chakra to Indra to make a Human Beast Clone. Man Bun couldn't engage both of them at once. When he was distracted with Indra, Tobi threw shuriken at him from behind. One of them lodged in his arm, disabling his katana arm.

Indra was moving to knock him out, but Man Bun wasn't going down easy. He slammed his hand to the ground, and the spikes started poking out of the ground to try to skewer Indra. Indra wasn't hit directly, but he was unable to hold the transformation.

Tobi made the sign and hit Man Bun with a fireball. It wasn't a strong one, but it was enough to shake him up a bit. For the first time since the match started, Man Bun yelled. He had obviously not been expecting that. He quickly stripped off his burning robe and regarded Tobi with fear. He slammed his hand to the ground again. Tobi jumped to avoid another spike attack. While in the air, Tobi re-entered Beast Mode and tackled him. They wrestled like that for a while, but Tobi had worn him out. Man Bun conceded.

"THE WINNER IS OBITO UCHIHA-INUZUKA!" Shikamaru announced.

"FUCK YEAH! THAT'S MY BOY!" I shouted.

"Aw, that was too easy," Kiba said. "He didn't get to use any of his new moves."

"Tenzi won't be as easy," I said.

"Can I make a request?" Sakura asked. "Can we not shout 'suck it, Hyuga' this time?"

I grinned. "I make no promises, my friend. No promises."

* * *

"THE NEXT MATCH: FROM THE LEAF, OBITO UCHIHA-INUZUKA! VS. ALSO FROM THE LEAF, TENZI HYUGA!" Shikamaru announced.

"Hey, Mom," said Boruto. "What's our relation to Tenzi?"

"Distant cousin," said Hinata, "same as Tobi and Sarada."

"No fair," said Boruto. "He's got a Byakugan."

"If I recall correctly, his dad was in the ANBU," said Hinata.

"That's right," I said, "and his mom was a Hidden Stone kunoichi. He's got good genes, that Tenzi. And he's smarter than Tobi too. The only way for Tobi to win is to overpower him."

"So who are you rooting for, Sarada?" Chocho asked.

"What do you mean? Of course I'm rooting for my cousin," she said.

"So you don't think Tenzi is super hot?" Chocho prodded.

Sarada blushed. "What I think about Tenzi's appearance is irrelevant. Family first."

Tenzi had light brown hair pulled up in a tasteful ponytail (not a man bun), and he wore a loose fitting white shirt and a relaxed pair of black pants. Tobi took off his red jacket and handed it to Shikamaru. The two friends smiled at each other and bowed.

"BEGIN!" Shikamaru declared.

Tobi immediately entered Beast Mode, and the boys started to spar as they would in our backyard.

"Oh, come on, Tobs," said Kiba. "You've gotta come at him hard!"

Tobi got knocked to the ground, and the girls squealed. Boruto laughed. "That's right! Go Hyuga!" he called. He turned around and grinned mischievously at Sarada. "Family first."

Tobi dusted himself off, and he and Indra started circling Tenzi. Tobi made a hand sign, and they took off into a Fang Passing Fang. Tenzi fought them off with a rotation, but then, the cyclone turned to flames. The audience gasped and cheered.

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is FANG PASSING FLAME!" I shouted. I squeezed Kiba's hand. "We made that!"

"Fuck yeah we did!" Kiba exclaimed. We high-fived.

The fire twister broke through Tenzi's defenses, but Tenzi escaped unscathed. He and Tobi were both pretty pooped after both using some pretty tough techniques. Tenzi gave Tobi the middle finger, and Tobi answered with shuriken. Tobi's shuriken made Tenzi dance across the arena. Tenzi let himself be hit so that he could use a substitution to get out of the situation and reappeared behind Tobi and Indra. Tobi dodged Tenzi's gentle fist, but Indra was hit. Tobi made a hand sign and entered Beast Mode. He came at Tenzi from the front, and Indra from behind. Indra breathed fire at Tenzi. Tenzi was so surprised that he lost balance and fell. Indra jumped on top of Tenzi, and Tenzi was beat.

* * *

"BURN BURN BURN BURN BURN!" Tobi shouted in his room. I cracked open the door.

"Haven't you burnt Tenzi enough today?" I asked cheekily.

"Oh, I'm not fighting Tenzi right now," said Tobi. He adjusted his headset. "Yeah, Swagmaster Yamato, I'm still here."

"WHAAAT?!" I exclaimed. "You got Yamato playing that game now?"

"He's really bad at it," Tobi whispered, covering his microphone.

This kid sometimes. This kid was nothing short of amazing.


	30. 10 Things I Hate About Cats

Sometimes I have nightmares about an alternative universe where I was never born and Kiba was forced into a relationship with a girl with cats. Nothing else is different in this bizarro world except for that, but it's terrifying. Like, can you imagine? CATS?! Not in my good Inuzuka household. So when Tobi brought his team over for dinner, and Yamarashi brought her cat, I might have overreacted just a teensy bit.

"What is that?" I asked, disgusted. Chisana growled in my arms.

"Mom?" Tobi said tentatively. "It's...it's a cat?"

"Why is there a cat here?" I asked. "Why would we need a cat?"

"We don't...Mom, Yamarashi just picked up her cat from the vet. I...I didn't think it would be a big deal if she brought him."

"Are you allergic, Mrs. Inuzuka?" Yamarashi asked. Her long blonde hair was so light it appeared white in the sun. She had soft blue eyes and wore a blue dress to match. She didn't look like much of a ninja, but according to Tobi, she possessed a useful jutsu that caused spikes to grow from her skin.

"No," I said, "I just don't like them. But it's fine, Yamarashi." She stroked the cat's grey fur and kissed him. My stomach lurched. "We don't have cat food."

"We usually just give her fish," said Yamarashi.

"Okay," I said. "Fish. Coming right up." I went into the kitchen to start preparing to feed three shinobi teenagers and one abomination of nature.

Tenzi opened his laptop on the dining room table. When he wasn't training, Tenzi was always either on his laptop or on his guitar. Full disclosure, the more he grew up, the more I thought Tenzi was kind of a douche. Not full douche like Sasuke, and not a bad guy at all really, just slightly douchey. He had a cockiness about him at all times.

"Wifi password, Zuka?" Tenzi asked.

"Kureji," said Tobi. "Mom's maiden name."

"Oh, I thought it was 'woof' or something stupid."

"It _was '_ woof,' until everyone on the block was stealing our WiFi," said Tobi. "Dad isn't allowed to make passwords anymore."

Tenzi laughed. "Alright," he said. "Time to check the old email."

"Ohhhhh fuck yeah!" Tobi said.

I could practically hear Yamarashi roll her eyes, even though I wasn't in the room anymore. "You guys don't seriously think the Hokage is going to let your 2-person band play at the combined Chunin Exams?"

"But it's me!" Tobi said. "The Hokage loves me."

"He might love you, but he's not going to risk his reputation with the rest of the shinobi world on-"

"WE'RE IN!" Tenzi shouted.

"WHAAAAAAAATTTTT?!" everyone else shouted. I rushed into the room. Chisana started yapping incessantly.

Yes, we had gotten Tobi a drum set. It was his chunin present. Fun fact: having a Sharingan doesn't just improve your aim with weapons. It made him wicked accurate on the drums. He learned quickly, and Tenzi wasted no time writing original music for the two of them. They had a dream of debuting at the Leaf's next Chunin Exams since the Hidden Cloud had provided halftime entertainment at the exams Tenzi and Yamarashi went to. I had heard the boys play. They were okay. The style of music they chose wasn't very popular in the Leaf. It was more in the tradition of the Hidden Stone, known colloquially as, you guessed it, "rock music." Naruto would be an idiot to book them. So even though I _shouldn't_ have been surprised, I was very surprised.

"Dear Obito and Tenzi," Tenzi read. "I am pleased to say that I have secured approval for you two to play your show at the Hidden Leaf's next combined Chunin Exams-"

Tobi threw his arms around me. "Oh my god, Mom, thank you so much. This is it. This is it!"

"-world market outside of the arena an hour before the exam starts. Rock on. Naruto Uzumaki, the Seventh Hokage of Konohagakure."

"Ha," Yamarashi said. "An hour before the exam starts? You know what that means..."

"WE'RE IN!" Tenzi and Tobi shouted again, together, clapping each other on the back.

"Nobody is going to hear you! Everybody is going to be getting their seats in the arena!" Yamarashi said.

"Oh, shut up, cat girl. They're in," I said. "Congratulations, you two. I'm very proud."

"We've gotta plan our set! It's gotta be perfect! This is our chance! We can't blow it!" Tenzi said.

"Well, you'll have plenty of time to do that this week," I said.

"Oh, yeah," said Tobi. "Mom and Dad are going on a vacation this week. We can use the house. We don't have to blow your parents' ears out."

"Excellent! Thanks, Mama Zuka!" said Tenzi. "Where are you guys going?"

"It's our anniversary," I said. "So we're going back to the place where we had our honeymoon, Yugakure."

"Oh, I was just reading about Yugakure!" said Yamarashi. "That's where that terrible Akatsuki member, Hidan, came from."

"You know what, Yamarashi? You've been in my house less than an hour, and you've managed to inject negativity into every single conversation. For the record, Hidan is in tiny pieces in a pit out in the woods somewhere. Yugakure is beautiful, and dogs are better, and that's that," I said. "Sheesh."

"I was just saying...," said Yamarashi.

"Well, don't," I said. "No more speaking lines for you."

* * *

Kiba and I traveled to Yugakure, and it was beautiful, and not a Hidan or a cat in sight. We had a bit more money this time around than the first time, so instead of staying in an overpriced hotel, we got an overpriced beach bungalow.

"I don't know about this," Kiba said, giving me a massage on our private bit of beach. "Do you think Tobi and Tenzi are going to..."

"I really don't think they're gay together," I said. "Suigetsu says..."

"NO!" Kiba shouted. "Is that what you thought I was going to say? Ahhh, god, no! I was going to ask if you think this music thing is going to pass, or is it going to become their career?"

"They're playing the world market outside of the Chunin Exams, and you know Narubro is only letting them do it as a favor to me," I said. "No, they're going to get it out of their system, and it's going to pass."

"I don't know," said Kiba. "So many ninja children are not becoming ninja."

"What?! Not our Tobi. He's a literal beast. He was the first of his class to make chunin. He and Tenzi are both chunin now. This is a hobby. Like Ultimate Shinobi Deathmatch, it will pass," I said.

"Sometimes I wonder how much of that is actually Tobi, and how much of that is _us_ ," said Kiba.

I looked up at him. "How do you mean?"

"I mean, you kinda indoctrinated him from an early age. All those stories you told him. His first words were mama, dada, woof, and kunai."

"So it's my fault our son is a badass? You mean, you're welcome?"

"No no no, I'm proud to death of the kid, and it is definitely not just bedtime stories. Maybe we put too much pressure on him to be a badass? All that clan pride stuff. Painting both our crests above his crib. Fuck, I bound him to a ninken as soon as he could walk. I wonder if he were just plain Tobi, not Obito Uchiha-Inuzuka, if he'd still been a ninja."

I rolled over. "We only did what every shinobi family has done for centuries."

"I know," said Kiba. "It's a different time now. Our way of life is disappearing. Take this village, for instance. It used to be a ninja stronghold. Now it's a beach resort."

"Konoha will never be a resort," I said.

"Well, maybe not like this, but, we have our fair share of tourists," said Kiba.

"So what are you saying?" I asked.

"I'm not sure," said Kiba. "Our way of life is disappearing, and with it, clan heritage."

"Well you know I won't let that happen," I said. "We Uchiha have survived too much shit."

"But..."

"Yeah yeah yeah, most of that was our shit, but still. We're coming back. Tobi and Sarada are going to usher in a new era. You'll see."

"What if they don't?" asked Kiba. "What if they're it? The last generation."

"That..." I said. "No. That can't happen. Can it?"

"It happened here," said Kiba. "Fuck. I want to be happy for our son. He's following his passion. But it represents something else to me. A departure."

I sat upright and embraced him. "Our son is going to carry on our clans no matter what he does. If that means using his Sharingan to melt faces, he's melting faces in the name of the Uchiha. I'm okay with that. Are you?"

"Just to clarify, by melting faces you mean...playing drums or breathing fire?"

I kissed him. "Yes."

"Yes, okay. Of course I love him no matter what he decides."

"But I really don't think you have anything to worry about. There are plenty of examples of ninja having side gigs. Killer Bee, for one."

"True," said Kiba.

"And Lady Tsunade had a very extended gambling career before becoming Hokage," I said.

"Yeah...uh..."

"And the Yamanakas have their flowers. Everything is going to be okay." My phone pinged. "Oh shit! It's from Naruto."

"And once again, a tender moment is interrupted by The Almighty Squad," said Kiba.

I read the message. "There's a new group of villains in town called the Byakugan Gang. Holy shit! The Hyuga are staging a coup!"

"What?! Let me see that!" Kiba exclaimed, grabbing the phone. Then he facepalmed. "It's not _Byakugan_ Gang, it's _Byakuya_ Gang."

"Right. That's what I said."

He raised his eyebrow. "By-a-ku-ya," he repeated.

"By-a-ku-gan. I'm sorry. I do not hear a difference."

"Holy Sage, sometimes it's like you don't know the language at all," said Kiba. "The last syllable is completely different!"

"Oh, my bad. A _syllable_. Sage, how many stupid ninja words am I supposed to remember?"

"They're not stupid ninja words! It's our language!"

"Whatever," I said, taking the phone back. "They steal things from rich people and give them to poor people. Naruto thinks its his fault."

"Fuck, that's not his fault," said Kiba. "And why the hell are you getting this information before me? I'm on the police force." Kiba's phone pinged. "Oh, there it is. Thanks, Hokage. Nice to know where I stand in the chain of command." He read his message. "He wants me to come home as soon as possible."

"Fuck no," I said. "There are plenty of people in town to deal with that." I picked up my phone and read aloud as I wrote, "Dear Narubro. Kiba is on vacation. I will not be surrendering my husband. We have paid for the entire week, non-refundable. Find someone else to deal with it. I believe Tobi is free. Love you smiley face. P.S. this is not your fault you dork."

"You know, I'm really proud of you for that," said Kiba.

"Right? Boundaries!" I said. "Where were we?" We started eating each others' faces and pawing at each other when the phone rang. "I should get that," I whispered.

"No, you really shouldn't," said Kiba.

"But it's Sakura."

"DAMN IT!"

* * *

We did end up going home early, but not because Naruto whined about it. We came home early because Tobi called to say the fire sake was stolen.

"Okay, sweetie, be honest," I said when we came through the door. "Was it _really_ stolen?"

"What do you mean? It was here one night, and then it was gone the next," said Tobi.

"Your mom is asking if you drank all the fire sake in one night," said Kiba.

"NO! Of course not!"

"What were you going in the basement for in the first place, then?"

"Uhhhhh..."

"We'll discuss that later. Show us," said Kiba.

We went down to the basement to see the damage. "OHHH MY GOSH! GRANDFATHER'S STUFF!"

"What?" Tobi asked.

I went to the empty section of the basement. "ALL THIS USED TO BE BOXES OF STUFF!"

"Oh, yeah, I kinda thought that was empty," said Tobi.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! YOU DIDN'T REALIZE OG OBITO UCHIHA'S STUFF WAS GONE?!"

"Calm down," said Kiba. "Fuck, they took the whole keg. And where were you during all of this?"

"I was on another mission!" said Tobi. "I'm a chunin. I get lots of missions. It was successful, and Tenzi and I came home to celebrate..."

"There it is," said Kiba.

"I don't care," I said. "Go on."

"And that's when we realized it was gone," said Tobi.

"Fuck," said Kiba. "I can't smell anything."

"Yeah, it's been too long," said Tobi. "It was the Noble Thieves. It's gotta be. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. You were doing your job," said Kiba. I was sitting in the corner, crying. "It's alright, babe. We'll get your stuff back."

"It wasn't mine," I said. "It was OBITO'S."

"I know. I know," said Kiba, sitting down to console me. "But Tobi and I are home now, and we're going to get your stuff back."

"I'll call Tenzi," said Tobi. "Don't worry mom. Those fuckers are going to pay."

Kiba and Tobi left me alone at home with Chisana. I sat on the couch embracing her, trying to distract myself by watching TV. I looked back towards the foyer. The first thing everyone saw when they walked into our home was four pictures. There was Tobi's genin team picture with Marishiku sensei, Kiba's picture with Kurenai, the one I'd bombed with Kakashi, Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke, and on top, Team Minato.

"I'm sorry, Obito," I said to the black-haired boy in the top picture.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," I called. Naruto stepped in.

"Oh, hey, Naruto, or rather, Naruto's clone," I said.

"Hey," said Naruto's clone. "I heard what happened. I'm sorry."

"I mean, I know _some_ of the stuff is going to turn up," I said. "The Akatsuki outfit, for one. There's not that many of those out there, so that's easy to track. But the other stuff. Damn."

Naruto's clone sat next to me. "The fire sake," said Naruto.

"Fuck that. I can make more of that. I'm already making more," I admitted. "I'm talking about, like...his jacket and goggles. The photo album. I've got his fucking teddy bear, for Sage's sake. Who the fuck takes that shit? It's monetarily worthless. But it's valuable as shit to us, you know?"

"They probably saw the Uchiha crests and just took everything," said Naruto. "And the Noble Thieves, well, they're not all about money. The clothes could actually do good for a kid who has none, you know?"

I glared at him. "Are you fucking defending them?"

"No, oh, no, sorry," said Naruto. "I'm just trying to explain." He got really quiet. "Saki, I'm doing a terrible job as Hokage."

"What? No you're not," I said. "Things have been peaceful as fuck around here. This noise is nothing compared to what happened when we were kids. How many times did the village get pancaked? Three times at least? And how many times has it been pancaked since you've been Hokage? None, that's how many."

"But people obviously aren't happy," said Naruto. "There are poor people. Starving people. How do I fix that?"

"Oof," I said. "That's a question people have been asking for a long time, Narubro."

"Why can't I fix that? What good are my powers if I can't fix something as simple as that?" Naruto asked.

"Look, it's not your fault people are poor," I said. "They were poor before you became Hokage. They'll be poor when you're done. And if you want to help poor people, that is awesome, and you should totally do it. Anyone who wants to help the poor, that's fine with me. BUT NOT BY STEALING MY FUCKING SHIT."

"Right, of course," said Naruto. "Fuck. This is hard, Saki. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with."

I thought about all of the things Naruto has dealt with and cracked up. He was right though. There isn't a jutsu to solve poverty. Or clean my house. Sometimes I used genjutsu so that Kiba thought it was clean. It was a bandage, but it didn't fix it. I reckoned anything Naruto or anyone came up with to try to solve poverty would be the same way. The Noble Thieves weren't just putting a bandage on the problem, they were putting a bandage on a problem while stabbing the person they took the bandage from. I'm not about that life.

I went to check on the fire sake, and when I came back, Naruto's clone was gone. I was considering going to pay him a real visit when my phone rang. It was my mother.

"Hey, Mom! What's up?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing much. I was just wondering if you were busy tomorrow," she said. "I want to cook for you guys."

"Well, Kiba and Tobi are out on a mission for me," I said. "I'm home alone."

"Oh, that's no good! Why don't you come on over?" she said.

"That actually sounds really great," I said. "I could use some nonchak time."

"Wow, that bad, huh?" my mom asked.

"Well, it's pretty mild all things considered, but, all of grandfather's stuff got stolen," I said.

"Oh dear," said Mom. "I'm so sorry, honey."

"Kiba and Tobi are out tracking it," I said.

"Was it that Byakuya Gang?" she asked.

"Yeah! Byakuya! I hear it now!" I exclaimed. "Ahem, how did you know?"

"Well, goodness, we're only one village over. We still get Konoha news," she said with a laugh.

"Okay, well, I'm going to head over now if that's alright."

"In the dark? Oh no, come in the morning, dear," she said. "Not when these Byakuya people about."

"First, they're thieves, not murdering rapists."

"You don't know that for sure," she said.

"Second, I'm _pretty_ capable of defending myself. Because of the genjutsu and the fire breathing and stuff."

"Oh, I'll never get used to that stuff," she said. "Alright, we'll leave the door open for you."

"Okay. And I'm bringing Chisana."

"Oh, not sure if that's a good idea. We got a cat!"

"WHAAAAAT?!"

* * *

I went despite the cat. My stepdad was out making wine deliveries, so it was just me and Mom drinking and watching stupid movies all night. I told her about my silly dreams, about Tobi and Tenzi's band, and about Yugakure.

"Well, you know I wouldn't complain if Tobi decided to stop being a ninja," said Mom.

"Yes, Mom. I know it scares you," I said. "It's hard for Kiba. The Inuzuka are proud."

"All ninja clans are proud," she said. "Your grandmother taught me that one."

We had a moment of silence for Grandma Kureji who had passed away shortly after Tobi was born. I could almost hear her telling me to "Fuck it all, girl." Grandma was all about fucking. Literally and figuratively.

I woke up the next morning feeling refreshed, and my stepdad came home. Papa Wu was older than my mom by quite a bit, but he was still as healthy as anyone. He had aged considerably in appearance, though. He'd lost all his hair, and his mustache was wiry and gray. He had deep smile lines on his face.

"Saki!" Papa said, embracing me and kissing me on the cheek. "How good to see you!"

"Good to see you too!" I exclaimed. "What's all this? I thought you were making deliveries. Is this all for me?" His delivery cart was still completely full. I peeked under the blanket.

"Saki," Papa said, "I heard about what happened. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine," I said. "It's just stuff. The important thing is we're all safe."

"True," he said. "Although, you might want to look closer at what's under there."

I gave him a funny look, then I removed the blanket. The first thing I saw was the keg of fire sake.

"Oh. My. SAGE!" I shouted. "The fire sake! You found it! It's..." I put my head under the tap and opened my mouth. "It's empty. Fuck. Okay, that's fine. I still have the keg. That's awesome!"

"Unfortunately they had already drunk it all when I found it. Good for nothing thieves." He spat at the ground. "But you can make more. Look what else is there."

"No," I said. "It can't be..." I looked into another box and found Obito's things. Every box on the cart was full of Obito's things. I started to cry. He embraced me.

"On my way home I found them, giving away your things," he said. "So I took off my shirt and covered myself with dirt to appear very poor, and they loaded up my cart."

"And then you put a sword through all of their stomachs?" I asked hopefully.

"Me, fight ninja? You ask for too much, girl," said Papa.

"This is perfect," I said. "Thank you. I'll call Kiba and Tobi and tell them the mission's off."

* * *

Kiba and Tobi came over, and we all celebrated with Mom's potstickers. Akamaru and Indra regarded the cat with indifference at first, but by the end of the night, the three animals were all cuddled up together. Even I had to admit that was a cute image.

"Grandma, Grandpa," Tobi said, "are you going to come see our band?"

"Of course, grandson!" Papa said.

"Wait, seriously?" I asked.

"Of course! I wouldn't miss it for the world!" said Papa.

"You've never gone to the Chunin Exams before!" I countered.

"I just hate seeing those kids beat each other up," said Mom. "But music is nice."

"It's rock music," said Tobi. "We rock. Don't we, Mom?"

"Yeah," I said. "It's not anything I listened to growing up."

"Saki," said Mom. "You're forgetting. I'm from the Land of Earth, and your father loved rock music."

"He did?" I asked.

"He was a musician!" Mom declared. "I see the gene skipped a generation."

"Wait, now you're forgetting, I'm also a musician," I said.

"What, that brag-rhyming you do? Dear, that's not music," said Mom.

"Okay, Mom. Killer Bee likes my raps," I said.

Kiba coughed. Tobi muttered, "I wouldn't go spreading that around."

"So, Mom and Dad, are you going to watch the exams with us? My godchildren are competing," I said.

"Awww," Mom said sadly. "Those sweet kids?"

"Naruto's son and Sasuke's daughter? Yeah. They're shinobi. Funny how that happened, right?"

"And they're not sweet," said Tobi. "Sarada is a beast, and Boruto's a bitch."

"Tobi," I warned. Kiba laughed, and I kicked him under the table.

"Let's do it," said Papa.

"What? Oh no, dear," said Mom.

"Well, we'll already be there!" Papa said. "And I don't know. I lived side-by-side with ninja, my son and grandson are ninja, maybe it's time to give it a chance. We're not getting any younger, you know."

"But what about all the bad things that have happened at exams?" Mom pressed.

"Psh," I said. "That was old-school stuff. None of that crazy shit happens anymore. You'll be safe, I promise."

Mom, Papa, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.


	31. Feelings

The doorbell rang, and I opened it to Shikadai, Inojin, and Boruto.

"Well, hello," I said. "To what do I owe this visit?"

"We're here to see Tobi," said Boruto.

"Okay," I said with a shrug. "TOBI! YOU HAVE VISITORS!"

Tobi and Indra came bounding down the hallway. "YES!" Tobi exclaimed. I looked back and forth between Tobi and the group of genin, baffled. "You got it, Inojin?" Tobi asked.

"Yes," said Inojin. "I mean, it is a prototype." Inojin and Tobi sat down in the living room and unraveled a scroll.

"It's perfect!" Tobi declared. "Mom, check this out. It's our band logo."

"Oh, okay," I said, walking over. It was a picture of Tobi and Tenzi's faces fused together, half Tobi with Sharingan, half Tenzi with Byakugan. The text read "VISUAL PROWESS."

"That's our name," Tobi said, pointing. "Cool, huh?"

You know how sometimes kids ask your opinion on things, and usually you have to say it's cool no matter what? Well, I'd definitely done my fair share of that, but this time, I wasn't lying. This was legit cool.

"Okay," said Inojin. "I will perfect it for the show."

"You boys are all competing, aren't you?" I asked.

"That's right!" Boruto said proudly. "And I'm going to annihilate the competition!" Shikadai rolled his eyes. Obviously Boruto was being a drag. "And you know why?" Boruto pressed.

"Why?" I asked, humoring him.

"I'm not supposed to tell you, but...Uncle Sasuke is training me."

"WHAT?!" Tobi shouted. "That's impossible. Uncle Sasuke doesn't train people. He doesn't even visit his own wife and daughter!"

"Does too! He's staying in town for the Chunin Exams, and he agreed to train me."

"Well, fuck!" Tobi said. "I'm going to get in on that action!"

"Are not!" Boruto spat back. "He doesn't have time for you!"

"If you haven't noticed, Squirt, I'm half Uchiha. That's one half more than you are. I outrank your Hyuga ass."

"Hey, hey, hey," I said. "Don't be clanist."

"'Hyuga-ass' isn't a slur! I call Tenzi _much_ worse things!"

"I bet you do," I said.

"Zombie Eyes," he said. "Curse Mark. Byakubitch. Gentle Fister."

"Okay, that's enough."

"And you should hear what he calls me!"

"Oh, I shouldn't."

"Rabies. Flea Pit. Mutt. Mange. Bowser. Rufus. Fido. Doge. Any dog name, really."

"Uh-huh."

"Blood Eye. Akatsuki."

"Oh ew, that's not okay!"

"It's fun," said Tobi with a shrug. "Except for Danzo's Target Practice. THAT crossed a line."

"Oh, good," I said, starting to feel sick. "I'm glad there's a line." I looked at the genin and forced a smile. "Would you boys like snacks?"

* * *

We went to the Uchiha's that night. Sakura cracked open the door. "Heyyyy," she said.

"Oh, sorry, am I interrupting something?" I said with a grin.

"Is that Aunt Saki?" Sarada asked.

"Uhhh, yeah," said Sakura, "but she's leaving, because..."

"Move, bitch," I said, pulling the door open and letting me and Tobi in. "OH BROTHER?! WHERE ART THOU?!"

Sasuke was hiding behind a living room chair. "Oh, hell. Sakura, I thought I said-"

"I didn't tell her! I don't know how she knows!" Sakura said.

"Umm, Dad? Boruto knows you're here," said Sarada. "Game over, Dad."

"Fuck," said Sasuke. I threw my arms around the Prince of Darkness. "Aren't you forgetting you hate me?" Sasuke asked in monotone.

"And hate is just another way the Uchiha say I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOU!" I sang. "So you're really here for the entire Chunin Exams?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. "Can you let go now?"

"Okay," I said, releasing him. "Oh, this is so exciting! Clan time!"

"Uh-huh," Sasuke grunted. I sat next to him. We stared awkwardly at each other. "What do you want from me?" he asked.

"Well, you know how I'm the head of the clan when you're gone?"

"Debatable."

"You're here now. So I need to give you a state of the clan rundown."

"K."

"One, your daughter is a badass."

"I already knew that."

"Awww, hear that Sarada? Your dad thinks you're a badass. Okay, two. Tobi is a chunin. He goes on many missions and is very successful. Also, we've successfully merged Uchiha with Inuzuka jutsu."

Sasuke's face betrayed interest. He looked at Tobi. "Is that true? How so?"

"Well, first I had to teach Indra to use a Sharingan," Tobi said.

"Indra has a Sharingan?" Sasuke asked. "Now _that_ is interesting."

"Indra can do anything I can do," said Tobi. "They're calling him the Dragon Dog."

"I'd like to see that," said Sasuke.

"I'll show you everything," said Tobi. "Ready, Indra?" Indra barked.

"Woah, maybe not in the house," said Sakura.

"Yeah, why don't you guys go outside," I said. "I'll help you with dinner, Sakura."

"Yes!" said Sarada. "Does that mean I don't have to do it?"

"As if you're going to need to cook, Lady Hokage," I scoffed. "Go fight with the boys."

"YES! Thanks, Aunt Saki! You should come over more often!" They all left out the back door.

"So," I said, turning to Sakura, "you were really going to try to keep him from me?"

"We lasted a day," said Sakura. "That's more than usual."

"Yeah, but the Chunin Exams are in a month," I said. "I mean, really."

"Well, he asked, so," she said with a shrug.

"This'll be the longest you've ever been together since you conceived Sarada," I said.

"I know! And I'm freaking out!"

"Psh! You married him! Living together tends to follow that."

"I know, I know," she said. "But it's been different with us."

"I'll say," I said. "This should be fun, though. The little day-to-day things really brought me and Kiba closer together. I'm excited for you."

"He's been living alone in the woods for years," said Sakura. "Like, does he even know how to house?"

I cracked up at the absurdity of the question, but then I realized she had a point. "Well, you'll get to be the one to teach him how to house. And, if you want to do other things, you can also loan me Sarada for a night or two."

"Saki," Sakura said with a blush.

"Girl, you've gotta tap that as much as you can before he leaves again."

"She's going to Chocho's tomorrow," said Sakura.

"Attagirl," I said. "I'm excited for you."

The back door slid open, and they re-entered. "Saki," said Sasuke, "I am impressed with your son."

"Oh, thank you, Sasuke," I said, bowing.

"I'd like him to spend more time with Sarada," said Sasuke.

"Huh?" the kids asked.

"Obito," said Sasuke, "will you prepare Sarada for the Chunin Exams?"

"But that's not fair!" said Sarada. "You're training Boruto!"

"The training I am doing with Boruto is much different. Boruto is a fool," said Sasuke. "You already surpass him in every way. I think you and Obito can learn more from each other. He has also taken the exams much more recently than I have."

"Well, Tobi, what do you say?" I prodded.

"Uhhhh," said Tobi, "okay? Yeah, let's do it!"

* * *

Sarada came over every other day, and about every other time, Chocho was with her.

"Don't you have to train for the exams too?" I asked her on the third visit. Her little set up got more extra each time. Today she had brought a lawn chair, an umbrella, and her own cooler. Bags of potato chips were a given. Usually when there were visitors I would prepare snacks, but I'd made that mistake with Akimichis long ago. I could afford to feed Sarada, but not Chocho. I placed a genjutsu on the cookie jar so that it read "VEGETABLES" just to be on the safe side.

Chocho took a long sip of lemonade and said, "My dad is training me. These are my recuperation days. Would you like a potato chip?"

An Akimichi offering me food? That's an honor I couldn't refuse. "Sure," I said. She dug into her potato chip stash and pulled out a bag labeled "RED BEAN PASTE FLAVOR."

"Thanks," I said. I took one. "Yum?"

"Don't lie Mrs. Inuzuka. They are awful," she said. The entire time she talked to me, her eyes never left Sarada and Tobi. And by Sarada and Tobi, I mean Tobi. I knew her game. I _invented_ this game. "I always buy every flavor," she said, "so they don't stop making them."

I took another chip to see if it got better. It didn't. "They can stop making this one. Nobody will miss it."

"I don't believe that," she said. "Just like with people, even the weird and icky ones have someone who loves them."

"Huh," I said. I handed a chip to Chisana who ate it eagerly.

"See?" said Chocho. "It would be a shame to waste them."

Indra saw there were food handouts and came over to beg. I don't understand exactly what possessed me to do what I did next, but I handed the bag back to Chocho. "You should feed Indra," I said.

"Can I?" she asked excitedly. She held out a potato chip, and he took it. She stroked his head with her greasy fingers, and he licked them.

"There you go. Now you're in," I said.

"Huh?"

"The way to an Inuzuka's heart is through their ninken," I said with a wink. She narrowed her eyes at me and blushed, then proceeded to give Indra the rest of the red bean paste chips. He sniffed at her stash for more.

"Indra!" Tobi shouted. "Hey, boy, leave her alone."

"Oh, he's fine," I said. "Right, Chocho?"

Tobi came over and grabbed Indra. "Sorry, he gets all stupid around food. He bothering you?"

Chocho's mouth slacked open as she, I presumed, mentally undressed my son. "No," she said meekly.

Tobi stroked Indra. "Hey, buddy, don't mess with an Akimichi's food, alright? They need it. Right, Chocho?"

"Uhhh. Right."

"Mom, take him inside if he does anything dumb. I'm not going to use him in training today," said Tobi.

"Yes, Tobi-sensei," I said. Tobi looked at me and Chocho strangely, then went back to his work. When he was out of earshot, I turned to Chocho and said, "What was that?"

"What was what?" she asked.

"That was your chance! And you said three words! One of them wasn't even a real word!"

"Well, maybe I can't flirt with his mom hovering over me! Mrs. Inuzuka, I understand you really me to be your daughter-in-law, but you need to butt out and just let nature take its course. You're being a real mood killer."

Oh, wow. It was like talking to myself in a fun-house mirror. "Okay, first of all, I'm not trying to set you up with Tobi _per se_. But I'm not blind. You've done nothing but sit and stare every day you've been here. I'm trying to help a sister out. These are skills you can use to flirt with _any_ boy, not just Tobi."

She was as red as young Sakura thinking about Sasuke. "Are you saying you want to train me in seduction?" she whispered.

Shit. Choji was going to literally pulverize me. But I'd already opened the bag of potato chips. There was no going back. "I'm saying the time you spend staring at Tobi here could be better spent."

She actually turned her chair away from Tobi and Sarada to face me. "I want to know everything! I can learn so much from you, Mrs. Inuzuka!" She whipped out a notepad and a pen, and I had my first real student.

"Okay," I said, trying to think of things I could tell her that wouldn't result in Choji's gigantic fist to my face. "Well, when I was your age, I dated your Uncle Shikamaru."

"Ewwww," she said, already taking notes. "How did _that_ go?"

"Oh, it was a silly little fling," I said. "It all started when Sasuke was in the hospital, and I was going to visit him with Sakura, and I came across Rock Lee trying to push-ups with his mangled limbs. I was talking to Lee, and your Uncle Shikamaru came over. And...we just started talking."

"How?" she asked.

"How?" I asked. "How what?"

"He is so quiet! How did you get him to talk to you?"

"Oh, ummm, well, it was very long ago. I don't remember exactly what we said. Heh, I guess we didn't really _talk_ much at all throughout the entire relationship."

Her eyes lit up. "Ohhhhhhh, I see! So it was a _physical_ relationship!" She scribbled more, and then added, "Ew!"

"Oh, we were kids. We didn't get far. Just a lot of kissing and hickeys."

"Can you teach me how to kiss someone!"

"Umm..."

"How did you get him to kiss you?"

"Oh, I just grabbed him and went for it."

"WOW!" Scribble scribble scribble.

"Yeah, I didn't even know his name! And I couldn't pronounce until a good week later..."

Scribble scribble scribble. _"_ Okay, so if I see a hot guy, I don't even need to know his name. I can just grab him and kiss him. Thanks, Mrs. Inuzuka! This has been very enlightening. I can't wait until the next lesson!"

"Oh, no. Oh god. Don't do that. Please don't do that."

"Why not? You did it, and it obviously worked!" She looked longingly at Tobi. "Mrs. Inuzuka, don't you need to go _inside_?"

"NO! I do NOT need to go inside! Holy Sage! I think you've worn out your welcome. Time to go home and not mention this to your dad ever."

"Mrs. Inuzuka, I am getting some very mixed signals here."

"I'm sorry. I like you. I really do. But this is inappropriate."

"Sorry," she said. "I just thought you might be different from all the other adults. I just have all these _feelings_ , and...nobody will have a real conversation with me!"

Shit. "Guys like when you bring them food. Want to learn some cookie recipes?"

"YAY! COOOKIES!"

Fuck. There goes my grocery budget.

* * *

I was working the next time Sarada came over for training, but they were still at it when I came home. I looked outside, and saw Chocho was not there, and breathed a sigh of relief. I hadn't had any angry calls from Choji, so I assumed I was in the clear from the first lesson. I put out some snacks for Tobi and Sarada, then set about with some laundry. I went to Tobi's room to collect his dirty clothes, and I found Chocho lying in his bed.

"Ummm...hi?" I said.

"OH! Mrs. Inuzuka!" She grabbed his pillow and hid her face in it. "I'm sorry. I didn't think you were home."

"Let me get this straight. You came here, not to stare at him this time, but to hide away in his bedroom? Exactly what did you think was going to come of this?"

"It smells so good!"

"Seriously?" I sniffed, and it smelled like wet Indra. Damn, Chocho was a little freak. "Oh my. Okay. Here's another lesson. And I can't stress this enough. If you want to get a guy, you have to be where the guy is. Being in a guy's bedroom can be great, I know, but it's preferred that he's also there with you. Actually, scratch that, it's required."

"Mrs. Inuzuka, what is sex like?"

"Oh holy Sage of Six Paths. You're gonna ask me that in my son's bedroom?"

"Sorry."

"You realize how uncomfortable this is for me?"

"I know but...I have so many _feelings_!"

"You're what, twelve? Thirteen? Fourteen tops? You don't act on those feelings."

"But you know what I'm talking about!" she whined.

Boy, did I ever. The things I'd thought about doing to Kakashi at that age. I sighed and sat next to her. "Okay. The thing about sex is, it's great. But it also makes you very vulnerable. You need to make sure the person you decide to do that with is someone you love and trust 100%."

"Uh-huh," she said. "So the first time you did it..."

"Well, he knew the jutsu, which was good. You know about _the jutsu_ , right?" She nodded. "Good. NEVER do it without the jutsu. Or a condom if he's a nonchak or something."

"Mrs. Inuzuka!"

"Oh, it's okay, I used to be one so I can say it. So yeah, umm, your first time is going to be awkward. Don't expect too much. Do you read romance novels? Stupid question, of course you do. It's _not_ like in a romance novel. And there's all kinds of things you just don't think of, like, how to easily get your clothes off, and where to put your arms, dumb stuff like that. You'll worry about all of that for a while before you get used to it. There's smells, and fluids, and paint EVERYWHERE, I mean, there was for me, but, ummm, yeah. Oh, don't do it with a sick guy. That's what I did, and it was, I mean, it wasn't the worst, but it could have been better."

"Why would you do it when Mr. Inuzuka was sick?"

"Oh, it wasn't Kiba."

"WHAT?!"

Oh, shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. "Ummm..."

"You loved someone before Mr. Inuzuka?"

"Oh, no. That wasn't love. That was..."

"YOU HAD A ONE-NIGHT STAND!"

I sighed. "Yes. I had a one-night stand. And I can't stress this enough...I DO NOT RECOMMEND IT."

"Why did you do it?"

"Because I was young and dumb and full of feelings! And if I'm being totally honest, bored."

"How young were you exactly?"

"Sixteen."

"Oh, wow. Not that much older than me."

"But YOU are going to learn from my mistakes and not do that until you're twenty. Maybe thirty even. You know, just wait for that person whom you love and trust 100%."

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Inuzuka. I didn't mean to bring up what is clearly such a painful, regretful experience."

She even _gave_ me the perfect end to this conversation, but _my_ stupid mouth said, "Oh, no, I don't regret it at all."

"Oh. So it wasn't a mistake?"

"I mean...it would have been nice if Kiba had been my first, but..."

"Do you still think about him?"

"No. Not like that anyway."

"Is it awkward when you see him?"

"Oh, I don't see him. He doesn't live here."

"Smart!" Scribble scribble scribble.

"DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN!"

"Was he a bad person?"

"No. He's a very good person."

"So why shouldn't I do it again?"

"Because...BECAUSE...cookies?"

She narrowed her eyes at me. "Okay, Mrs. Inuzuka. But this isn't over."

Of course not, because Chocho was how the Universe was punishing me for all the havoc I wreaked on adults when I was young.

* * *

That evening Temari kicked the boys out of the house so we could have a girl's night. Have I ever mentioned how much I love having Temari in the Hidden Leaf? I knew her very little growing up, but the more time I spend with her, the more I love her. She said she was starting a side hustle business and wanted our opinion on it. So I packed some of my nonchak family's wine and headed over to Nara household.

"Alright, straight from the Wu family vineyard," I said, setting down my bag, "For Hinata, a sweet strawberry." Hinata, sitting quietly in the corner, smiled. "For Ino, Syrah, dry as your heart."

"Thanks, bitch!" Ino said.

I looked at Mirai Sarutobi and Karui Akimichi. "I don't know you guys that well, so I brought a sweet Concord a Riesling just in case."

"Actually, I'll drink the Syrah," said Karui.

"Oh, okay," I said.

"And I'll stick to beer," said Mirai.

"Right on," I said. "Temari, for us, the Ruby Port, now with 26% alcohol!"

"They raised the alcohol content?!" Temari gasped. "I _love_ your family!"

"Where's Sakura?" asked Ino. "She didn't get sent out with Tenten, did she?"

"Sakura? Sakura's busy," I said cryptically. With Sasuke in town, she'd be busy for a while. Big ol' DO NOT DISTURB sign on that household. I sat down next to Hinata.

"Okay," said Temari. "Thank you all for coming. I'm very excited to share this with all of you. A couple of things I need to say before we begin. One. According to my family, I sell beauty products. _Just_ beauty products." We looked at each other in confusion, but nodded. "And it's not a lie. I do sell beauty products." She removed a blanket from a table, revealing a standard display of lotions and shampoos and make up. "But I also sell _other_ enhancements..." Ino and I locked eyes in delight. The others still looked confused. She removed the blanket off the other table, revealing some innocent looking bottles, but also some lingerie, handcuffs, and very specifically shaped toys.

"Oh my!" Hinata gasped. She was turning as red as the wine she was drinking. I put my arm around her for moral support.

"QUESTION!" Ino exclaimed, thrusting her hand in the air. "Have you personally tested these products?"

" _Most_ of them," said Temari.

"FOLLOW UP QUESTION!" Ino said, thrusting her hand into the air again. "How does the smartest jonin not realize you sell these things if you've personally tested them?"

"I..uh," Temari said. "I tell him Saki gave them to me."

I jumped off my seat. "WHAT! HOW COULD YOU!? THAT'S...THAT'S...That's fair. No. That makes a lot of sense. Carry on."

"Thanks, Saki. I knew you'd have my back," said Temari with a wink. "So, we'll start with the beauty line, and then I'll explain some of our other products."

"Alright, let's get through the boring part fast," agreed Ino.

* * *

We took a break for snacks after the beauty presentation. I found myself alone with Karui, and I braced myself for questions about what I had been teaching her daughter. I decided to just dive in. "Karui," I said, "can I say, your daughter is delightful."

"Oh, thank you," said Karui. "That's nice to hear. She's...she's something. And I've heard a lot about your son. Good things. And a lot more things than a mother wants to hear...erm..."

"Oh," I said, understanding. "Sorry."

"Oh, don't apologize," she said. "Chocho is a free spirit."

"I've noticed that," I laughed.

"Oh, how rude of me. I should thank you for teaching her how to bake honey cookies! She made them just the other night," she said.

"Oh, no problem. Yes, I did teach her to bake. Just baking tips..."

"Alright, ladies, it's time!" Temari said. Karui and I walked into the living room and took our relative seats. Phew, I guess Chocho had enough sense to keep her mouth shut at the very least. Temari continued, "So, now that you've all drank a little, and gotten a little comfortable with each other...I thought we'd kick off this portion with a little game. It's called 'Fantasy.'"

"I like the sound of this game," said Mirai, the only single lady here.

"The rules are simple. We're all going to pick a man who is not our husband to have a one night stand with."

"Ummm," Hinata said.

"Relax, girl, it's all hypothetical. We're not _actually_ doing it," I said. "I mean, we're _not_ , right?!" I asked Temari.

"Of course not!" she said. "Okay, I'll start. I would never tell my brothers, but when I was growing up, I had a crush on our sensei."

"Awww!" I said. " A girl after my own heart!"

"Temari, did you have any girl friends growing up?" Karui asked.

"Not really," she said. "I was pretty isolated since I was the daughter of the Kazekage. We weren't exactly encouraged to be friends like all of you guys."

"Awww," we all said sympathetically.

"Yeah, yeah, it's whatever. Alight, HINATA!"

Everyone looked at Hinata, and I could feel the panic setting in. "Ummm," she said. "Pass."

"Let's let Hinata go last," I suggested. "Alright, mine is-"

"Kakashi!" the entire room blurted in a bored tone.

"You didn't know I was going to say that!" I said defensively.

"Alright, what were you going to say?" asked Ino.

I thought. Hard. "Okay, yeah, Kakashi. Alright, bitch, your turn."

"I think...if I had a chance...I would also choose Kakashi," said Ino.

"FUCK you!" I burst.

"What?" Ino asked. "You can't have exclusive rights on a hypothetical affair. I pick Kakashi."

"It's just a little suspicious, isn't it, that out of all the possibilities, you choose the same one as I do," I said.

"It's a really common fantasy! Plus, it wouldn't be the first time!"

"Don't go there. Not in front of his sister."

"Wait, WHAT?!" Temari shouted.

"Oh...you didn't tell her?" I asked Ino.

"Why would I tell her?!" Ino exclaimed. "Why does she know about you?!"

"THAT'S HOW WE'RE FRIENDS!"

"Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew," Temari said. "Stop. STAHHHHP."

"Wait," Ino said. "What's ew? You didn't care when it was Saki, so what's ew?"

"Oh my Sage, drop it!" I groaned.

"No, this is personal now. What's ew?"

"I'm not comfortable talking about this," said Temari.

"I'm not comfortable listening to this," said Hinata.

"Oh, please continue. This is great," said Mirai.

"Ino," Temari said, "just for the sake of argument, when did this happen?"

"At her wedding," Ino said, pointing to me.

"Of course it did," quipped Karui.

"I'm sorry. It's nothing against you personally," said Temari. "It's just, Kankuro told me about Saki because he was in love with her."

"Awwww," Hinata said. I was even kinda surprised by the statement. Really, dude? LOVE? Ino glared at me. I was kinda worried she was going to take over my mind and started activating my Sharingan, but she looked away.

"I was just surprised by you is all," said Temari. "It's weird being in the same room as two girls who have seen my brother naked, so can we please move on? Karui?"

"Darui, the Fifth Raikage," she said.

"Oooooooh," we all said.

"I have that _Shinobi Slut_ issue," I admitted.

"Alright, Mirai?" asked Temari.

"Hmmmm," said Mirai. "So many options."

"Oh, to be young again," said Karui. "Hurry up, girl. You've had plenty of time to think."

"Ok, ok, ok," said Mirai. "Does it have to be a man?"

"Psh, no," said Temari.

"Okay then. I've only heard stories and seen pictures, but I choose Mei Terumi, the Fifth Mizukage," said Mirai.

Ino clapped. "Badass!"

"Alright, well, now that we all know _way more than we need to about each other_ ," said Temari, lingering on me and Ino as she spoke, "let's get down to the main event!"

"WAIT!" Karui said. "We skipped Hinata."

"Oh, that's okay," said Hinata. "I don't have one."

"Bullllllshit," said Ino. "Spill. We all did." Shut up, Ino. You just said Kakashi to piss me off. We all know Sai is just the poor girl's version of Sasuke.

"I'm serious!" said Hinata, getting louder. "I really don't have one."

"In her defense," I said, "she did something nobody ever does. She married her childhood crush who grew up to be the Hokage. Maybe we can cut her a break."

"I don't buy it," said Ino. "Pick someone, Hinata. There's a bad girl underneath all that sweetness. There has to be."

"Okay," said Hinata, and we all held our breath. Nobody had the foggiest idea what would come out of her mouth next. "So, I've always thought, if I could go back in time..."

"NO," Ino interjected. "You can't say you would go back in time and confess your love to Naruto earlier. Gotta be a different person."

"Oh, I was going to say Hashirama Senju, but that's a good idea," said Hinata.

We all exchanged awkward looks and then burst out laughing. I immediately whipped out my phone and looked up Hashirama Senju. "Huh," I said. "You know? I see it! If these picture are accurate, he was pretty damn attractive!"

So we passed around my phone and made jokes the rest of the night about what a total diva Hinata was when it came to guys. She was the absolute definition of not settling. Cheers to you, Hinata. May we all hold our vaginas to such high fucking standards.


	32. Ultimate Shinobi Deathmatch

Mom and Papa arrived for Tobi's concert and the Chunin Exams. Damn...everything about that sentence feels weird.

"Where's Kiba?" Mom asked.

"He's already there. He's security," I said.

"Ah, yes, of course," said Mom. "That sounds dangerous."

I facepalmed so hard it made a smacking sound. We were about to go to a place where the eldest ninjas pit their most inexperienced ninjas against each other, and Mom was worried about Kiba working security, literally the least dangerous thing he's ever done. At least, usually, but we'll get there later.

So we left the house, and instead of going straight to the stadium, Mom and Papa wanted to walk past all the old houses and talk extensively about who lived there.

"Saki?" a man asked as we were standing outside of the Haruno's residence.

I turned around to see Yamato. "Oh, hey," I said. "What are you doing in the village?"

"I'm going to the Exams," said Yamato.

"Oh, that makes sense," I said.

"Is this Kakashi?" Papa whispered.

"No!" Mom and I exclaimed at once.

"This is Yamato," I said. "We were trapped on that crazy island together."

"Ohhh, yes, I remember," said Papa. "Pleasure to meet you, sir."

"Yamato, these are my parents," I said.

"Oh, nice to meet you as well," said Yamato, shaking their hands. "Are you here to see Obito?"

"You know about that?" I asked.

"Obito asked me to come on that video game walky-talky," said Yamato.

"And...you came?" I repeated.

"Uh, yeah," said Yamato. "I was flattered to be asked." He looked at his watch. "That's starting pretty soon, isn't it?"

"When is it, now?" Mom asked.

"Less than thirty minutes," I said. "And we're going to pass about four more of my friends' old houses until then, so we really can't spend this much time at each one."

"Oh my," said Mom. "Well, we better get going."

"Thank you," I whispered to Yamato as we continued on. "And thank you for coming to see Tobi. That's super sweet. Do you like rock music?"

"Oh, no, I'm mostly into classical," said Yamato.

 _Of course you are. Have you met Tobi? Did you really think he was the violin type?_ I decided to say nothing as we walked towards the stadium. We arrived at the world market, and there was a giant glob of kids at the end.

"Oh geez," I said. "We're never going to get through this mess."

"HELLO, I'M TENZI HYUGA, AND THIS IS OBITO UCHIHA-INUZUKA, AND WE'RE VISUAL PROWEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHS!"

The glob of kids screamed. "Holy fuck," I said.

"Ohhh, look Saki, it's a mosh pit!" my mom exclaimed gleefully.

"They seem popular," said Yamato. "How long have they been doing this?"

"Less than a year!" I cried. "How did this happen? Why aren't all of these kids in the stands waiting to see their friends try to kill each other?"

The music started. Tenzi wailed on the guitar, and Tobi banged on the drums. The sound nearly knocked us over, and the kids went crazy. Kiba pushed through the crowd and grabbed me.

"This is insane!" Kiba cried. "Some kid is video taping them for the contestants."

"What?!" I exclaimed. "Is our kid this cool?"

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Mom cried and ran into the mosh pit.

"Well, I mean, Tenzi's cool, and I think Tobi just kinda came along with it," Kiba said.

"True, true," I said. I start bobbing my head to the beat. "This is actually pretty good."

"I will say this," said Yamato, "the lyrics are good."

I hadn't been paying any attention to the lyrics, but he was right. Tenzi was pretty poetic. Or was it Tobi? I didn't know. I was kinda ashamed of what I didn't know.

"Is that your mom?" Kiba asked, pointing at the gray-haired lady who had pushed to the front of the crowd.

"Yep," I said. "She says this is the sound of her people."

"Uh-huh," said Kiba. "Well, I guess this band thing isn't so bad."

"Right? This could grow on me," I said.

"I am very proud to call myself his grandfather," said Papa.

* * *

Tobi and Tenzi came with us to the stands to watch the government-sanctioned blood bath. We ended up finding seats with Hinata and Himawari.

" _This_ is Naruto's wife?" Mom asked.

"Yes. This is Hinata," I said.

"Oh my gosh," said Mom. "You are so pretty!"

"Right?" I said.

"Thank you," said Hinata, blushing. Himawari started telling my parents about her day, uninhibited, as small children her age are. The show began. Boruto was first, and he fought a kid that used...bubblegum jutsu? I think ninjas are running out of jutsu ideas. Boruto ran circles around the kid and beat him easily.

"Impressive!" Papa exclaimed.

"Oh my gosh," Mom said. "Hinata, I don't know how you do it, watching your kid fight like this."

"That was a pretty mild fight, actually," said Yamato. "But, that maneuver Boruto did was incredible!"

Shikadai won his match too, and Inojin was defeated easily. I wondered where Ino and Sakura were. I knew they were planning on going to this together. Sarada's match was next.

"BEAT HIS ASS SARADA!" Tobi shouted behind me. I turn around. "What?" he said. "You're thinking it too."

"It's not what you said...it's...never mind," I said. Sarada won her match, and next was that weird Mitsuki kid that was always following Boruto and Sarada around. "Alright, what's the dirt on whitey?" I asked Hinata.

"Mitsuki? I don't know, actually," she said. "He's from the Hidden Sound, I know, and very talented."

"The Hidden Sound? Like, Orochimaru Land?" I clarified.

"Yeah, but, you know," said Hinata. "There were ninjas there, and there's so much fear around it. Mitsuki is a good kid. He's been over at the house a few times. I'm glad we gave him a chance for a fresh start here."

Mitsuki shot a lightning snake at his opponent, and it looked like Mitsuki was on the fast track to win. "Shit," I said. "That kid's _scary._ " I took out my cell phone and snapped a picture from the big screen and sent it to Suigetsu. Suigetsu replied instantly.

 **SUIGETSU: Heyyyyy its my boi Mitsuki!**

 **SAKI: Ohhhhhkay so u kno him NEthing u need 2 tell me Sui?**

 **SUIGETSU: Nooooo its just a kid from the village.**

 **SAKI: Kid from the village or kid from a test tube?**

 **SUIGETSU: Saki u crazy u kno that not everything is a big conspiracy NEmore geez.**

 **SAKI: So this is a normal kid?**

 **SUIGETSU: Ya**

 **SAKI: U promise?**

 **SUIGETSU: Ya**

 **SAKI: U kno I'm going to go full Uchiha on u if u lying right?**

 **SUIGETSU: Uhhhh**

 **SAKI: Spill**

 **SUIGETSU: Ok fine he's from a test tube**

 **SUIGETSU: BUT HE'S A NORMAL KID OTHERWISE I SWEAR**

 **SUIGETSU: No scheme-o**

 **SAKI: So ur boi made this boi for sentimental reasons?**

 **SUIGETSU: Gurl idk what goes through sneaky-snek's head I just do wut I'm told**

 **SUIGETSU: In bed ;)**

 **SAKI: No no no u r not going to gross me out of this conversation. U need to tell me everything u kno or *fire emoji***

 **SUIGETSU: I promise I told u everything I kno**

 **SAKI: Ok but if shit goes down I'm coming for ur ass**

 **SUIGETSU: Luv u 2 gurl**

 **SAKI: Luv u Sui**

I sighed and put my phone away, and I realized I'd missed a few matches. Tobi grabbed me by the shoulder. "Were you watching Boruto that last round?" he whispered.

"Oh shit we got back to Boruto already?" I asked. "No, sorry, I was tending to something else. What's up?"

"What he just did. Was impossible," said Tobi.

"What'd he do?" I asked.

"He broke out of Shikadai's shadow," said Tobi.

"Okay," I said, "it's certainly difficult to do but not unheard of."

"He did it by making shadow clones," said Tobi. "And I was watching with my sharingan. _He never weaved a damn sign._ "

"Tobi, you need to be careful with your sharingan," I said.

"I know, but...after his first match I thought something was fishy. Watch him next time. The things he's doing aren't just extraordinary. They're impossible."

I looked nervously at Hinata and Himawari next to us. They were entertaining my parents, who seemed to be enjoying themselves.

"Ohhhhh, Sarada's next!" my mom cried gleefully. "I just _love_ her!"

"So," I said happily, "are the Chunin Exams still a horrifying and barbaric practice?"

"Oh, god, yes," said my mom. "But all the best entertainment is!"

Yamato bought everyone snacks, and we turned our attention to Sarada's match. She was fighting a lightning fast kid from the Sand.

"Damn," said Papa. "I think she might have met her match!"

"No way," said Tobi. "A little taijutsu isn't going to stop her. I don't care how good you are."

"I don't know, Tobs," I said. "She's taking some damage. The Sand are strong this year."

Suddenly, Sarada shot a fireball at the arena's roof. My mom and dad shrieked. "What'd she do that for?" Mom cried.

"Damn, she must be in a genjutsu!" I said. "Wait...it's _really hard_ to gen a Sharingan-user. Just what exactly is that kid?"

Then Yamato started to laugh. "He's a PUPPET!"

"A WHAT?!" Mom cried.

The dust had cleared around the roof, and the actual kid was there, looking like a total moron. Sarada was talking smack, and the kid wouldn't come off the roof.

I threw my head back and laughed. "WHAT A LOOOOSER! I mean, puppetting is actually a really cool skill, but to rely on it completely? Noob!" I exclaimed.

Lee called the match in favor of Sarada due to the Puppet Loser being too scared to come down. My mom stared at the broken section of the roof. "And everyone's just okay with that?!" she exclaimed, pointing at it.

"Mom, you used to live here," I said. "The Hidden Leaf is so used to rebuilding things, nobody even bats an eye when a building blows up."

"And this is why I don't live here anymore," Mom said.

"Oh, hey! It's Mitsuki again," said Tobi. "He's probably the best boy in that group."

"Versus Gaara's son," said Hinata.

"Woah, _Gaara's son?_ I didn't know he was married," I said.

"He's not," said Hinata. "He adopted that boy."

"Oh, cute!" I said. "Well, then. This ought to be interesting." Mitsuki and Shinki were pretty well matched, although Shinki seemed to have the upper hand. "Do you know, Hinata, did Gaara teach him that iron sand stuff, or did Shinki come pre-programmed?" I asked.

"From what I remember, he basically had the jutsu. It's a kekkei genkai," said Hinata. "But of course, Gaara taught him how to use it like that."

"Yeah, that makes sense," I said. Shinki had seemingly pushed Mitsuki to the breaking point. Mitsuki started to collect energy and glowed blue.

"Ooooooh, what's that?!" Mom asked excitedly.

"I don't know, but if I were going to guess...he's going to turn into a snake!" I said.

"Oh, ewwwww! I don't want to see that!" Mom protested.

She didn't. Nobody did. Mitsuki stopped glowing, and then he forfeited the match.

"MOTHER FUCKER!" I shouted.

"Hi, Saki!" Lee called from the ground. I blushed. "This concludes the semi-final matches. We hope you will all return tomorrow for the final match, a three-way battle between Sarada Uchiha, Boruto Uzumaki, and Shinki!"

We all cheered. Tobi whispered to me, "We're gonna go find dad, all right?"

"Sure," I said. Tobi and Tenzi scampered off. "So, Mom, Papa, what do you think? Coming back tomorrow?"

"Oh, of course!" said Papa. "We don't have anything else to do."

"Great!" I said. "We have a whole night, it seems. What else are you guys interested in?"

"Oh, we want to see all of your old friends!" Mom gushed. "It's been YEARS since I've seen Sakura, Lee, or Tenten!"

"Sounds like a plan! I'll see what they're all doing," I said. "Hinata, I suppose it would be too much wishful thinking to suppose Naruto could spare some of his precious time to hang with my parents."

She laughed. "Yeah, we're having all the Kage over."

"Holy fuck balls!" I exclaimed. "Okay, sounds like you've got work to do. Tell Boruto congratulations for us. I'm gonna send feelers out to the rest of squad."

We started walking out of the arena, and I texted my friends. I got an instant reply from Lee and Tenten. "Wait, Lee and Tenten are going to your house too?" I asked. "Hinata, just _how many people_ are going to be at your house?"

"Oh, I told Naruto to invite the Kage and their families. Maybe he invited everyone who is working at the exams too," she said. "Oh no. That is too many people!"

"Okay, well, if you can spare a few more, I'm willing to offer my assistance," I said.

"Saki, are you schmoozing your way into the cool kids party?" Mom asked, shaking her head.

"Oh, _please please please!_ " Hinata cried. "This is so stressful!"

"Well, I know my way around a kitchen. And, I did bring a case of wine," said Papa.

"Thank you thank you thank you!" Hinata squealed. "You are all lifesavers!"

* * *

Naruto finally came home with everyone from the chunin exams behind him. Sakura and Kiba had popped a bottle in the living room while Hinata, my parents, and I finished up work in the kitchen.

"Hi…," Naruto said. "Hinata, what's...?"

"Surprise!" I cried. "Hinata needed some help with how many people you were having over, so she enlisted me. And my parents are in town!"

My mom and dad bowed. "Nice to see you again, Mr. Hokage," said Papa.

"Guys, you can still call him Narubro," I said.

"Oh, cool! But if Sakura's here, then who's with the kids?" Naruto asked.

"Oh, _now_ we worry about the kids," I teased. "We unloaded them on some very responsible Uchihas."

"SASUKE?!"

"And Tobi! Uchiha Day Care: for when your kids are done attempting to murder each other for the day."

"Ohhhkay," said Naruto. "Sasuke's definitely never coming back again. Thank you, Saki."

"You're the one who decided to have a fancy adult party at your house," I said with a shrug. "You know Sasuke isn't about that life. He was the default choice."

"So, are you going to introduce us to your friends?" asked the Tsuchikage.

"Oh, yes! Umm, everyone, this is Saki Kureji-Uchiha-Inuzuka and her parents," said Naruto.

"Who? I have questions," said the the Tsuchikage. "Did you say _Uchiha_?"

"It's complicated," said Gaara, pushing through. "Hello, Saki. Nice to see you again."

"You too!" I said. "Your kid is a BAMF! Probably gonna win the whole thing. That is, if he can beat Sarada. Uhh...sorry, Narubro."

"None taken," said Naruto. "You have biases, but-"

"KIBA!"

"KANKURO!"

"Oh, no," I said. "This again."

"Not sure who my brother likes more," Temari said with a wink. Shikamaru didn't get the joke, and he didn't have time to ask, because my mom jabbed her finger in his face.

"SAKI!" she cried. "Is this Shishimanaru?!"

"No," I said. "I don't know who that is. Da fuck did you just say?"

Sakura doubled over laughing. "The nostalgia!" she exclaimed.

Shikamaru smiled. "Hi, Mrs. Wu."

"OH MY GOODNESS! Yuto, it's Shimakiru!"

"Better," I said.

"Shikamaru, hello!" said my dad.

"DING DING DING WE HAVE A WINNER!" I cried.

Lee was at my side. "Drinking game," he said. "Take a shot every time your mom mispronounces something."

"ROCK LEE!" she cried, throwing her arms around him. "Oh my goodness! You kids are all so grown up! But you never ditched that haircut, huh?"

"No," said Lee. "Why should I? I styled it after my hero."

"And I see more hair that hasn't changed! Hello, Tenten!" my mom exclaimed, running to Tenten and hugging her.

"Oh, yes!" Tenten exclaimed. "The Wus are here? _Now_ it's a party."

"I think Hinata is trying to tell us something," said Lee. We looked towards Hinata, who was standing by the table and feebly waving her arms. We could see her lips moving but couldn't hear anything.

"Oh, yeah," I said. I cleared my throat. "YO! WE MADE LOTS OF SUSHI. COME AND EAT IF YOU'RE HUNGRY!"

The group migrated toward the table. Everyone grabbed a plate of sushi and other appetizers, then continued to mingle.

"So, how about that Darui?" Temari asked.

"Hm? Which one is that?" I asked.

"You know! The Raikage," she said.

"OH! That's Darui! Oh, wow. He looks different since the last time I saw him...in a magazine, ahem."

"Yeah, I'm not digging the stash either," said Temari. "Still buff as hell though."

"Oh, for sure! Now the Mizukage looks like a child," I asked. "How old is that kid?"

"I hear he's amazing," said Temari. "He's gotta be older than Gaara was when he took over. Actually, I think they're the same age."

"Probably," I agreed.

Tenten popped into the conversation. "You look like you're judging people," she said.

"We _are_ judging people!" I confirmed. "Excellent observation. Let's see, who haven't we judged yet? Wait...oh god...what's my mom doing?"

My mom had somehow schmoozed her way into a conversation with the Kages and was feeling Darui's bicep.

"Damn, Mrs. Wu! Chill!" Tenten laughed. "Okay, I have to ask, is she drunk?"

"No! She's just a shinobi slut! MOM!" I called. "I think we need more wine! Can you go get some?!"

"Okay, dear!" she replied. Then, to Darui, "That's my daughter. She's an Uchiha."

"Uh-huh," he laughed.

Mom went upstairs where we'd stored our spare party supplies. I sighed. Sakura joined our corner. "Saki, now you know how we used to feel," she said.

"WHAT? I was _never..._! Oh god. I was _worse!_ " I exclaimed.

"Yeah," Sakura said. "I guess I always assumed that part of you came from your grandma, but this is spooky."

"I am soooo sorry, Sakura," I said. "This is exhausting. OH NO!"

My mom had come back downstairs and had run into Kankuro.

"Hold on," said Temari. "I wanna see what happens."

"Ten points if she touches his face," said Tenten.

She touched his face.

"Mooooooom! Noooooooo!" I groaned.

"Saki!" Mom cried. "Look at his make-up! It's cool!"

"Yeah," I said. "That's normal in the Sand. Mom, please, just sit down and drink a bit."

"The Sand? Haven't you been to the Sand before?" Mom asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Sit down!"

"Ohhhhhhh!" Kankuro cried. "You're Saki's mom!"

"You know Saki!?"

"I'm intervening," I said to the girls. I rushed to her side. "Mom, this is Temari's brother."

"Oh, okay!" said Mom. "Nice to meet you!"

"Nice to meet you too!" said Kankuro.

I needed to divert the conversation before it got weird. "Oh, Kankuro! What was up with that puppet kid today?" I asked. "Please tell me you don't have any ties to that one."

"Nope!" Kankuro exclaimed. "That was pretty bad."

"I do like that puppet thing though," said Mom.

"Want to see some?" Kankuro asked.

"You can do the puppet thing?" Mom replied excitedly.

"Sure can! Come on!" Kankuro said, and he offered her his arm. Mom handed me the wine and went with him outside.

"Motherfuck," I muttered. "Well, most of the boys are outside smoking cigars, so I guess she's Kiba's problem now."

Sakura came to my side. "Way to neutralize the situation," said Sakura.

"I give up," I said. I opened the wine and took a big glass. "The worst part is...I feel like I need to go touch Darui's bicep to even the score."

"But you don't do that sort of thing anymore," Sakura laughed.

"You're right," I said. "Oh, god, Sakura! Am I less fun than my mom?"

"NO!" she gasped. "You're just...you've acclimated to this environment."

"So now I'm wallpaper!" I cried.

"What? No," said Sakura. "What are you talking about?"

"I dunno," I said. "I guess I'm just like...if being at a party with the five Kage isn't exciting anymore, then where can I go next? Next thing you know I'll stop adding unnecessary S's when I pluralize things!"

"Like Kage?" Sakura asked with a wink.

"Sakura," I said, gripping her arm. "Please tell me there was an unnecessary S last time I pluralized it...All the _Kage_ used many _jutsu_ when they fought all the _ninja-_ OH MY GOD THEY'RE ALL GONE!"

"About damn time," said Sakura.

"I give up," I said. "What have I become?"

"Stop," said Sakura. "You're one of us. That always been the point, isn't it?"

"Okay, you know what I _really_ want to do now? Go check on Sasuke," I said.

She grinned. "Me too," she said. "He never really had the experience of watching kids."

"Granted, the kids we gave him are basically mini adults at this point," I said. "By the way, my parents are in love with Sarada."

"That's great!" Sakura beamed. "She was pretty beat up after that last battle. We should go check on the kids."

"I'm down," I said. I put the wine back on the table, then looked out the window. My mom was sitting safely between Papa and Kiba. "Okay, we're good there. Let's bounce."

* * *

"WELCOME TO ULTIMATE SHINOBI DEATHMATCH: FIGHT LIKE A LEGEND; DIE LIKE A LEGEND!"

"Oh boy," I said.

Sasuke turned away from the TV. Tobi and Indra were on one side of him, and Sarada was on the other. Boruto and Mitsuki sat on the floor.

"Hi, honey," said Sakura, putting her arms around Sasuke's neck and kissing him on the cheek. "How was your night with the kids?"

"Tobi brought a game," said Sasuke.

"Alright, who's player two?" Tobi asked. "Madara is waiting!"

"Why are you always playing as Madara, kid?" Sasuke asked.

"Because he wrecks," said Tobi.

"Gimme that thing," said Boruto. "It's time to bring the PAIN!"

"Woah, hold on," I said. " _Pain_ is a playable character now?"

"Boruto has the Akatsuki Expansion Pack," Sasuke explained. "It's a delightful game that allows you to turn people into art, sacrifice them to Jashin...you know, classic family fun."

"PLAYER ONE, MADARA UCHIHA, VS...PLAYER TWO, PAIN! PLAYERS, PREPARE TO FIGHT; PREPARE TO DIE"

"NO SHARINGAN TOBI!" Boruto cried.

"Akatsuki expansion pack, huh?" I asked. "Does it by chance include...?"

"Oh, yes, Itachi is in there. They haven't unlocked Obito yet," said Sasuke.

"Okay, this is kind of weird," I said.

"There's supposed to be a jinchuuriki expansion pack next," said Tobi. "It'd have Naruto, Gaara, and Bee in it. But it hasn't come out yet."

"PAIN IS VICTORIOUS!" the game bellowed.

"YESSSS!" Boruto shouted.

"TOBI!" exclaimed Sarada in disgust.

"Okay, Pain is OP," said Tobi. "Like, the Madara in this game can't get the Rinnegan! What was I supposed to do?"

"You're supposed to _win,_ Tobi," said Sarada.

"NEW CHARACTER UNLOCKED!" the game announced. "OBITO UCHIHA!"

"AHA! Rematch, Squirt!" Tobi exclaimed.

"Aight," said Boruto.

"WELCOME TO ULTIMATE SHINOBI DEATHMATCH: FIGHT LIKE A LEGEND; DIE LIKE A LEGEND!" the game's narrator boomed. "PLAYERS, CHOOSE YOUR FIGHTERS! PLAYER ONE, OBITO UCHIHA!"

"NO!" Tobi shouted. "You can't do that!"

"BORUTO!" Sarada cried.

"What? It's _my_ expansion pack! I get to be Obito first!"

"But _I'm named Obito!_ " Tobi growled.

"So what? It's a fake version!" Boruto replied.

"STOP!" I cried. "I can settle this. Boruto, gimme. Sasuke, pick a character. You're player two."

"Aunt Saki? Ugh, fine!" Boruto said. He surrendered his controller to me. I sat between him and Mitsuki.

"Alright," said Sasuke with a smirk. He took Tobi's controller and toggled through his options. "You said Kakashi's not an option?"

"No," sighed Tobi. "They haven't done any living people yet."

"Okay," said Sasuke. "Then I choose..."

"PLAYER TWO, ITACHI UCHIHA!"

I had to suppress a laugh. "You're going down, bro!"

"If anyone can win playing as Itachi, it's me," said Sasuke.

"This is so fucked up," said Sakura. "Oh my gods, am _I_ going to be in this game one day?"

"My _goal_ is to become a playable Ultimate Shinobi Deathmatch character," said Tobi.

The match began. Pixel Tobi and Pixel Itachi appeared. "Awww, I'm so cute!" I gushed. "Tobi, how does this work?"

"Ehh...just press buttons until something happens," said Tobi.

"Seriously?" Boruto asked.

I started button mashing. Sasuke was obviously doing the same because our characters looked like they were having seizures.

"Well, you gotta figure out the button combos," said Tobi. "Try pressing A."

I pressed A. Pixel Tobi disappeared. "OBITO UCHIHA HAS ENTERED THE KAMUI DIMENSION," the game said.

"WHAT?! KAMUI IS A?!" Sasuke cried. "What's my A?" He pressed A. Itachi blew a fireball at nothing.

"I like this," I said.

"This is trash," said Sasuke.

"Aunt Saki! There's your Kamui, see!" Boruto said, pointing.

"Oh!" I said. Pixel Tobi was standing in a purple bar on top of the screen. I could walk around in the Kamui. "This is legit," I said. "What's B?" I pressed B. A message popped on the screen that said "PLAYER ONE: YOU CANNOT PERFORM SUSASNO'O IN THE KAMUI."

"Oh, B is Susano'o! Got it, alright, gonna pop out of the Kamui..." I figured pressing A again would take me out. It did. I was in front of Itachi.

Sasuke pressed B. "OBITO UCHIHA CANNOT BE PLACED IN GENJUTSU," the game said.

"WHAT?!" Sasuke shouted. "How do I use Amaterasu?"

"You gotta survive in the game long enough to activate the Mangekyou," said Tobi.

I pressed B. "SUSANO'O!" Pixel Tobi cried.

"Well, that's obviously not going to happen," said Sasuke. Itachi blew a fireball. It bounced off Obito.

"Alright, now what?" I asked.

"You probably have different Suasno'o controls," said Tobi. "When Madara gets Suasno'o, then A is the sword."

"Gotcha, thanks!" I said. I pressed A.

"ITACHI UCHIHA HAS ACTIVATED THE MANGEK...OBITO UCHIHA IS VICTORIOUS!"

"Yay!" I said. "Okay, I like this game."

"I don't," said Sasuke. "That was not realistic."

"That was _extremely_ realistic," I laughed.

"No," said Sasuke. "Itachi had to progress normally, and you had Kamui and Susano'o right away!"

"Well, what do you expect the game to do?" I asked. "Obito has to survive a minute doing nothing, get crushed by a rock, and _then_ he can fight?"

"Yes! That would be realistic!" Sasuke agreed.

"Aaaaand on that note, I think it's time for bed," said Sakura. "We've got a big day ahead of us tomorrow, Sarada. I hope you two talked some strategy tonight and weren't just sitting in front of this dumb game."

"Um," said Sarada. "Sure."

"Oh, Sage help us," said Sakura.

And then I went home, snuggled up next to my husband in bed, while my parents slept peacefully across the hall...


	33. Good Shinobi

...is the sentence that I wish I could write.

Tobi and I walked through the front door, and my mother was snoring on the couch. There were cups on the coffee table that smelled suspiciously like a fiery variety of rice wine. A dark-skinned man slumbered in the chair.

"Where's Grandpapa?" Tobi asked.

"Uhhhhhhhh," I said, picking up the offending cups.

Tobi sniffed the air. "Is that the Raikage?"

I turned with horror to the man on the couch and looked closer at his face. "Mother of Kaguya!" I exclaimed. "Kiba!"

My cries were answered by the sound of vomiting in the bathroom. I handed the cups to Tobi and rushed to the bathroom, expecting to see Papa hunched over the toilet. Good news: It wasn't Papa. Awkward news...

"I'M DYING!" Kankuro cried. His hair was mussed and his makeup was smeared. Kiba was beside him for moral support.

"Kiba," I groaned. "Where's Papa?"

"Sleeping," said Kiba.

"Arghhhhhh my throat is on fire!" Kankuro moaned.

"How the hell is he sleeping through this?" I asked.

"I dunno. Dude lived over a bar most of his life. He's probably pretty used to it," said Kiba. Kankuro started to wretch. "And Fireball Jutsu in three...two..."

"AAAAARGH!"

"Okay, I'm calling Temari," I said.

"Already did. She said he's our problem," said Kiba.

Tobi walked past. "Damn," he said. "Grandma's a baller! Okay, I'm going to bed."

"Okay, dear," I said. "Fuck. Who do we call about the Raikage?"

Kiba looked up in horror. "Is _that_ who that is?"

"Yes, Kiba, that's the Raikage! Even Tobi recognized his scent!"

Chisana walked past with a wooden arm in her mouth. "Oh, shit," said Kiba. "Was that a puppet arm?"

Kankuro jerked his head out of the bowl. "Whaaaaaat?"

"Noooooo, shhhhh, it's nothing. Go back in the potty," I said.

"Okay, pretty lady."

"Ugh. I gotta call Naruto," I said. "You deal with _that,_ and I'll deal with the Raikage." I walked out of the bathroom as Kankuro vomited more burning barf. I dialed Naruto.

"Saki?" Naruto groggily asked.

"Heyyyyyy bro," I said in my sweetest possible voice.

"What did you do?"

"I promise you nothing," I said. "But the Raikage is passed out drunk in our house."

"Are you kidding?!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Apparently him and my mom hit it off and she gave him fire sake," I said.

"Fuck," said Naruto.

"So, like, I didn't know who to call..."

"You realize this is the one night I wasn't working and the kids were out, right?"

"Sorry," I said. "But this could be an international incident."

Naruto sighed. "Okay, ummm, I think the Kage were all staying at the Senju Palace."

"Okay," I said.

Pause.

"Saki, this is my _one night I'm not working and the kids are out..._ "

I sighed. "Okay, fine. I'll...wake him up and take him to the hotel?"

"Love you, Saki." He hung up.

"Motherfuck," I said. "Kiba? I gotta take the Raikage."

"What? Why?"

"Because it's the one night Naruto isn't working and the kids are out."

"Fair," said Kiba.

"HE'S HAVING SEX!" Kankuro drunkenly blurted.

I took a deep breath and walked back into the living room. My mother's snores mocked my every step. "Shinobi slut," I cursed under my breath, then knelt down beside the Raikage. I placed my hand on his bicep. It was a nice bicep. I jostled him.

"GINKAKU!" Darui cried, and he took his mighty bicep and swung it, thankfully, in the opposite direction.

"Woah woah woah woah," I said. "Hey, hey, Mr. Raikage, sir."

"Heyyyyy," he said. "Where am I?"

"Hi. My name is Saki Kureji-Uchiha-Inuzuka," I said. "I'm the daughter of the woman who gave you that booze."

Darui scratched his head in confusion. "Damn," he said. "My head is pounding!"

"Yeah," I said. "So, I've been appointed to escort you home...oh, mother of Kaguya, this is ridiculous. Kiba!"

"You are really cute," said Darui.

"Thanks," I said. "Kiba!"

"What!" Kiba cried.

"Kiba, I can't do this. I can't be in charge of a Kage," I said. "What if we get attacked?"

"Nothing's going to attack you," said Kiba.

"But what if they do?"

"Then you burn them to a fiery crisp!"

"Kibaaaaaaaaa!"

"Nah, it's cool, baby, I'll protect you," said Darui.

I slapped his hand away. "Kiba, this is really irresponsible, even for the Hidden Leaf!"

"What? You ran after Sasuke before."

"This is different! I didn't care if Sasuke got hurt! You've gotta take him."

"Okay, but you're on Kankuro duty."

Fuck. "Fine," I said.

"Damn, you married?" said Darui. "If only we'd met sooner."

I turned to the Raikage and winked before switching places with Kiba.

* * *

Kankuro was dangling a toothbrush on a chakra string. "That booze," he said, "was really strong."

I smiled sympathetically. "I'm going to get you some water and some rice," I said. "And then you're going to go to bed, okay?"

"Saki, how did this happen?" Kankuro asked.

I giggled. "You drank 100 proof alcohol."

"Nooo, I mean..." He waved his hands around as if presenting the room.

"Okay, I'm going to the kitchen," I said. But when I started walking out he spoke again.

"Temari and Shikamaru have a family, and you and Kiba, and Gaara is Kazekage," he babbled. "And me? I'm just...I'm just...I'm just here."

"Uh-huh," I said.

"What am I?" he asked. "Why am I here? What am I doing with my life?" He waved his hands around, and the toothbrush broke off the chakra string he'd forgotten about and plopped into the toilet. "Oh nooooooo!" Tears started to well up in his eyes.

 _Oh nooooooo_ was right. I bent down to look him eye-to-eye. "Dude, hey, don't worry about that toothbrush. Kiba needed a new one anyways."

"Sakiiiiiii...why do I suck?"

"What? You don't suck! Why do you think you suck?"

"My entire life consists of following Gaara around. And...that's it. I watch him be awesome, and then I go home to my puppets, and then nothing. I do it again the next day. It's really boring."

"Uh-huh. Boring is good," I said. "Boring means nobody is dying."

"Saki. Saki. Saki. Why did you leave me?"

"I'm right here," I said. "You need food and water, so I'm going to go into another room, and then I'll be back."

"Nooooo don't leave me again," said Kankuro. I rolled my eyes and filled a dixie cup with water. He sucked it down eagerly, then held it out for more.

"Bitch, you can get up and fill your own damn dixie cup," I said.

"I love you, Saki."

"No you don't."

"Yessssss I do!"

"NO YOU DON'T!"

"I'VE NEVER FOUND A WOMAN AS GOOD AS YOU!"

"FOR SAGE'S SAKE MAN WE FUCKED ONCE GET OVER IT!"

Tobi stood in the doorway. I locked eyes with him in horror. "Sooooo I'll just go pee in the woods?" Tobi asked.

"Yes, please," I said, mortified. He shrugged and moved on.

"I'm sorry," said Kankuro.

"You are a mess," I said.

"I know," he said, hanging his head.

"Dude, for the record, I didn't want to leave that day, and I did think about you a lot afterwards," I said, filling his dixie cup again.

"Until you met Kiba," he said.

"Naturally," I said. And way before, but, why injure his ego more?

"Soooooo what you're saying is this is all a rebound."

"Wellll by THAT logic then you were a Shikamaru rebound."

"YOU FUCKED SHIKAMARU?!"

"Noooooooooo," I said. "Dude, can you stand up?"

"Maybe," he said.

"Stand up," I ordered.

"Okay," he said. He pushed himself off the ground.

"Good," I said. "Now we're going to go to the kitchen, and this conversation is over."

"Okay," he said. We started moving down the hall. We made awkward eye contact with Tobi on the way there. Kankuro plopped himself on the kitchen floor, and I gave him a larger glass of water.

"Chug," I ordered.

"Saki, you're so good at this," he said.

"You have a really bad Nightingale complex, you know that?" I said.

"I don't know what that means," he said, and he chugged.

"That's good," I said.

"How...why doesn't this happen to you?" he asked.

"It does," I said. "I'm not the one who chugged 100 proof booze today. There's a reason for that, and you're demonstrating it right now."

"I'm a fuck up," he said.

"Stahhhhp," I said. "You're a damn good shinobi, Kankuro."

"I am mediocre at best," he said.

"You were a captain of the Allied Shinobi Forces," I said. "At a really young age. You are _not_ mediocre."

"Yeah, but...if we were in a TV show," he started.

"Oh good lord," I said under my breath.

"I feel like they would have randomly stopped during my part, and then gone and focused on someone more interesting for a bajillion more episodes **,** and then..." *******

"Shut up you weirdo. That would not happen," I said. "You'd have whole arcs devoted to you."

"Noooooooooo," he said.

"Well, you would if I wrote it," I said.

"Awwwwwww," he said. "Really?"

"Really really," I said. "But, you know, it'd only be junk like this." The rice was ready. I gave him a bowl, and he shut up and ate. I poured myself a glass of wine, because I deserved that shit, dammit! "Cheers," I said, "to standing on the sidelines."

"Yay! We're irrelevant!" he exclaimed, raising his water. I sat next to him, and we drank.

* * *

I woke up to my mother plopping herself on the bed beside me. "Good morning, sweetie!" she beamed.

"Wha?" I asked.

"I packed us lunch," she said. "You know you left a whole pot of rice on the stove? I fried it with some steak."

"What time is it?" I grumbled.

"Noon," she said.

Kiba rolled over. "How is she...?"

"Mom worked in a bar. She's a pro," I said. "We, on the other hand, were taking care of your messes all night. Is Kankuro still sleeping in the kitchen?"

"No, Temari came and got him this morning," she said. "Well, the rest of us are all ready. We're just waiting on you two."

"Again," I said, "cleaning up your messes. We'll take a quick shower, and then we can go."

Mom smiled and left us alone. "How?" Kiba repeated. "How how how?"

* * *

We were a little late getting to the stadium, but Hinata had saved us a spot again. Sarada, Boruto, and Shinki were already in the arena, but the match hadn't yet begun.

"I'm so nervous," said Hinata.

I put a hand on her shoulder. "He'll be fine," I said. "Lee won't let that kid beat him up too much."

"You think he's going to lose?" she asked.

"Tobi lost his last match," I said, "against a kid from the Hidden Mist. And he still became chunin. I'm pretty sure Boruto has done more than enough to qualify. This is just for bragging rights at this point."

The fight began. Boruto and Sarada teamed up, as we expected them to. Really, it was their only viable strategy. No way either one could defeat Shinki alone.

"FUCK!" Tobi shouted. Sarada took a nasty hit.

"No," I whispered. "No, fuck, no! COME ON, SARADA!" I shouted. She didn't get up. Lee declared her out, and the fight halted momentarily as medics carried her away.

Boruto started shooting all kinds of jutsu at Shinki. "He can use all of those natures?" I asked Hinata.

"You know," said Hinata, "he really doesn't tell me much about what he does ninja-wise. You know how it is with teenagers, right?"

"Actually, Mom _forces_ me to tell her every miniscule detail," said Tobi. "It's really annoying, and...what Boruto is doing right now should be impossible."

"Kakashi could use every nature," I said. "So it's not unheard of."

"You really think?" Tobi started, but then held his tongue because Hinata was right there. When Boruto delivered the final Purple Lightning punch, Tobi cried, "BULLSHIT!" and stormed off.

"Kiba, what has gotten into him?!" I asked.

"He thinks...uhhh...I'll follow him to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid," Kiba said.

"So the little blonde boy won?" Mom asked.

"Yes, Mom," I said. "Boruto won. WOOOHOOO!" Naruto entered the arena. Hinata started to cry next to me. "Awww, you should be down there!"

"Oh, no," said Hinata.

"No, really. Boruto didn't get that awesome from just Naruto's DNA. Go on, girl!"

"Oh, Saki..."

"It's true. Honestly, you're there for him way more than Naruto. Give yourself some credit!" I pulled her out of her seat and started escorting her down the stairs. "HOLD ON, NARU-"

Kiba appeared in front of me. "Wait," he said.

"What? What's wrong?" I asked.

Naruto held up Boruto's hand, and there was a gasp that rippled through the crowd.

"Kiba, what happened?" Hinata asked.

"Boruto cheated," said Kiba. "Tobi was right. He's using a synthetic chakra device."

"WHAT?! That's a THING?!" I shouted. "Oh, Hinata, I'm so sorry."

Hinata hung her head. "I knew it was too good to be true."

We looked into the arena, and Naruto removed Boruto's genin headband. I embraced Hinata. "It'll be alright," I said. "He'll learn, and he'll do it right next time."

"That's if they let him keep being a ninja," said Kiba.

"Kiba," I admonished. "That's not...no. He's a dumb kid. You can't tell me Naruto wouldn't have done the same thing at that age."

Kiba smiled slightly. "But you wouldn't have let him."

"True," I said. "Oh, what's this shenanigans?" Some nonchak had run into the arena and was blabbing about the future of ninja tech. "Sage, I want to punch that guy. He _used_ Boruto to advertise his junk? What a moron. BOOOOO!"

"True, but, I'm not sure I'd call it junk. The fact that that kid was able to win the chunin exams with that thing is telling," said Kiba.

Tobi came back and sat down next to my parents, who were watching with perplexed amusement. We went back to our seats as well. "So," said Mom, "did the Sand Boy win?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "I don't think this has ever happened before. I mean, I suppose so. They're not exactly focused on that right now."

"Who are those guys up there?" Papa asked, pointing.

"Probably just ANBU guards," I said. "They have to be at all these big events."

"Woah, hold on," said Kiba. "Those aren't ANBU. Those are..."

The two white figures descended into the arena. "Well, the plot thickens," Mom said giddily. "Those are some strange looking fellows."

"Saki," Kiba said, his face pale. "Saki, we need to get everyone out of here. Those are-"

"Otsutsuki!" Hinata cried.

"What?!" Tobi asked.

"ALIEN SHINOBI GODPEOPLE?!" I exclaimed.

"COOOOOOOOOOOL!" Tobi cried in awe.

Kiba smacked Tobi. "GET YOUR GRANDPARENTS, NOW!"

And then, the Otsutsuki attacked. Tobi grabbed Mom, and Kiba took Papa. I was able to hitch a ride on Akamaru. "Good boy," Kiba said when we met up. They'd brought my parents to a bench outside of the stadium, which we could hear was getting decimated. Ninja were evacuating civilian spectators.

"SAKI!" Hinata cried. Himawari was crying softly in her arms. I reached out and took the girl.

"I'm going back in," said Kiba.

"Kiba, be careful," I said.

"What's going on?" Mom asked. "Who were those people? Where is everyone going?"

"They're going to fight, Mom," I said. Kiba kissed me before departing. Stupid Tobi had already taken Indra back into the fray. Didn't have a clue how deadly this situation was. It was the magic portal all over again.

"Mom, Papa, those people are related to Kaguya," I explained. "Kaguya is the one who started the Fourth Shinobi War."

"Is there going to be another war?" Mom asked.

I gulped. "I don't know, Mom. But probably, yeah. Come on, let's go home."

"But, Kiba, Tobi, your friend!"

"Are doing their job, Mom. We have to do ours, which is to be alive when they get back. _If_ they get back."

"Saki!" Mom gasped. Papa put his hand on her shoulder and pushed her onward. We walked briskly back towards home, but couldn't help pausing to look over our shoulders towards the stadium. We saw Sasuke in his Susano'o, and the mighty Kurama.

"Holy fuck," I said.

"Hm?" Mom asked. "What's going on over there?"

"Naruto's Tailed Beast mode. I've never actually seen it before," I said. I was frozen for a moment. "So that's Kurama? Things have already escalated that far?"

"Oh god, is it coming?" Mom cried. "That terrible thing. I swore, never again-"

"That terrible thing is on our side this time," Papa said, comforting her. Of course, Mom had seen Kurama before, the day my father had died. "Let's move on," he said.

"Right. Sorry," I said. We moved on.

We gathered in the basement of our house as a precaution, but I got a call from Sakura immediately. She wanted me at the hospital. "I can't right now," I told her. "I've gotta stay with my parents until this is done."

"It _is_ done," said Sakura. "They'll be safe at home."

"Oh, wow, that was fast," I said. "Lots of injuries, though?"

"I'm with Hinata right now. She tried to take on an Otsutsuki," said Sakura.

"Of course she did," I said. "Okay, I have Himawari. Where's Boruto?"

"Also at the hospital," she said. "He was right in the thick of it, you know."

"Right," I said. "Have you seen Kiba and Tobi?"

"They're doing search and rescue," said Sakura. "They're fine, though. Your parents should be fine at home. Bring Himawari."

"Okay," I said. "See ya." I hung up.

"So the nightmare is over?" Mom asked.

"For now," I said. "Sakura needs help at the hospital. She said you both will be safe here."

"Yeah," said Papa, "I think, we are going to go."

"Already?" I asked. "Oh, come on, we can grab dinner when Kiba and Tobi get back!"

"Saki, do you hear how ridiculous you sound?" Mom asked. "We're at war, everyone's going to die, now it's...oh, everything is fine, let's go grab dinner?!"

"But everything _is_ fine! What could have been a total disaster was only a minor incident, thanks to Naruto!"

"Oh, Saki," Mom said. "I can't _live_ like this! We're going back home, before the next 'minor incident' decides to strike."

I sighed. "Right, I get it," I said.

"Give Tobi and Kiba our love," said Papa. "We love you, Saki, we just don't love this life you have chosen."

"I'm so sorry. We haven't had bad Chunin Exams since the Third Hokage died," I said.

"It's not your fault," said Mom. "It's just this world. It's insane."

I helped them pack and saw them off. The sun was setting. Himawari had found the dog treats and was treating Chisana generously.

"Alright, little girl, let's get you back to your parents," I said.

* * *

"NARUTO'S GONE?!" I cried.

Sakura thrust her hand over my mouth. "That's not common knowledge, okay? Sasuke is on it."

"That doesn't make me feel better," I said. "I just got done telling my parents that everything was fine because of Naruto. Now the one thing that was making everything fine is gone."

"Focus, Saki," said Sakura.

"Right," I said. We were in Mitsuki's room, and I was using healing jutsu. I wasn't that great at it and still preferred nonchak medicine. But ninja injuries often required ninja medicine. Poor Mitsuki had been knocked out cold somehow. Sakura suspected some severe chakra injuries which were very complicated to heal.

We finished what could with Mitsuki, and Sasuke found us. "We're going after him," said Sasuke.

"So you know where he is?" I asked.

"Yeah," said Sasuke. "Kakashi and Shikadai are-"

"KAKASHI'S HERE?!" I cried. "Since when? And he didn't tell me?! That jerk!"

Sasuke stared at me like someone stares at a bug they want to crush. "Anyways," he said. "Kakashi and Shikadai are in charge of the village until we get back. It's me and all the Kage. And we're bringing Boruto."

"WHAT?!" Sakura and I exclaimed together.

"He'll be fine," said Sasuke. "I think he needs to see this."

"Uhhh...does Hinata know about this plan?" I asked.

"We shouldn't be gone long," said Sasuke. It was our turn to stare at him. "Alright, fine, I'll tell her."

* * *

We escorted Hinata up to where they were about to leave through a portal. Boruto was wearing Naruto's old jacket.

"Ohhhh, look at that!" Hinata gushed.

"Hinata, this is _really_ irresponsible, _even_ for the Hidden Leaf," I said once again. "If you don't want Boruto to go, just say something."

"No, this is right," she said. "I agree with Sasuke. He needs to understand."

"Oh my god, my mom was so right about this place," I muttered.

"WAIT!" came a voice behind us. "Dad! I want to go too!"

"NOPE!" Sakura cried, pulling Sarada away. "I can handle one family member going in, not two."

"Sarada, you need to stay behind with Aunt Saki and Obito," said Sasuke. "We must protect the Uchiha line."

"WHAT?!" came Tobi's voice. "Come ON! I'm WAY MORE QUALIFIED to jump into that portal than Boruto is!"

"TOBI!" I yelled. I slapped him when I saw him. "You fucking left without saying goodbye or ANYTHING!"

"Wow, nice to see you too, Mom," said Tobi.

"You could have died," I said.

"Yeah, but I didn't," he said.

"Fuck you," I said, then pulled him into my arms. "Hey, Kiba."

"Saki," he said, and he kissed me. "They're seriously taking the kid with?"

"Dad," said Tobi. "Uncle Sasuke made a portal WITH HIS EYE."

"Yeah, so?" asked Kiba.

"Remember when I got in trouble for going into a portal? If I'm a real good Uchiha I can make portals and go into them whenever I want, and you can't stop me!"

"Okay," I said. "But that's less than 1% of Uchiha population that gets a Rinnegan."

"Challenge accepted," said Tobi. "Can I go to Tenzi's now?"

"Sure," I said, kissing him on the cheek. He _whooshed_ away, the portal having lost its interest since he and Sarada weren't allowed in it.

"So," said Kiba, "does that mean this band phase is over?"

"Who knows?" I sighed. I rested my head on his shoulder as we watched Sasuke and Boruto enter the portal with the rest of the Kage. "I'm really glad you're not a part of that," I whispered.

"Me too," he said. "I'm hungry. Barbecue?"

"Sounds perfect," I said. I straddled Akamaru, and we jumped off the great stone faces to our little version of normal.

* * *

"MOM!" Tobi cried. His hair was way long now, and he hadn't combed it after training that day, so he looked pretty intimidating. He barged into the house. "MOM! DAD!"

"What?" I asked, turning from my shameless reality program. "What's wrong?"

"Boruto's back," Tobi growled.

"ALIVE?!" I exclaimed. "Oh, thank goodness! I should go check on-"

"It's bullshit, Mom," said Tobi.

"What?"

Tobi sat down on the couch. Chisana, completely oblivious to his emotion, or perhaps because of it, hopped onto his lap and licked his face. He pet her absent-mindedly. "They're letting him stay a ninja," he said with contempt.

"Oh, good," I said.

"WHAT? You too?!"

"What? Oh, Tobi, don't be like that!"

"Just think about it," said Tobi. "The kid cheated his way through the _entire C_ hunin Exams. He basically nullified the whole thing."

"Is that really how they're looking at it?"

"I mean, good, deserving kids lost because of him," said Tobi. "And imagine if I...well, okay, maybe not the best example...Tenzi. What if it had been Tenzi?"

"What if what had been Tenzi?"

"Could you imagine," said Tobi, "Tenzi cheating his way through the Chunin Exams-"

"No, I cannot," I said.

"Well, right, but imagine it had been Tenzi. Tenzi cheats his way through the exams, nullifies the whole damn thing," said Tobi. "What do you think would happen?"

"I, uhhhh," I started, "I'm still struggling with imagining Tenzi cheating."

"That right there tells you something!" said Tobi. "But you know there's no way they'd let him back as a ninja!"

"That's...I don't know!"

"You're brainwashed too," Tobi sighed. "I'm sorry, but Boruto is getting special treatment because he's Boruto. It's shameless. That kid has no business. He's a total fuck up, and I hate him."

"Tobi!"

"I know, you've gotta be nice about it because he's your godson, and Naruto and Hinata are your friends, but...I'm under no obligation. I can't forgive that kid what he did. He's a disgrace to the Hidden Leaf."

I had to admit, Tobi did have a point. Only a kid with connections would get off a stunt like that as easily as Boruto did.

I learned later that Boruto was even getting credited with saving Naruto, which, after I heard the whole story, sounded more like Sasuke had done all the work and then he let Boruto throw a punch for funsies, and it ended up being the knock-out punch. Gutsy? Sure. Cool, valuable experience for the kid? Definitely. But no, Boruto did not save Naruto. Boruto got lucky. Boruto _always_ got lucky.

Things were normal in Konoha for about a week before the next nonsense started, and it started like most nonsense did, with Sakura knocking on my door with tears in her eyes.

"What are we, twelve again?" I couldn't help but say. She had to laugh at that. I let her in and brought the tissue box from the kitchen into the living room and plopped down next to her on the couch. "Alright," I said. "What's up?"

"Sarada and Boruto are gone," she said.

"Gone?!" I exclaimed. "How, gone?"

"We're not sure exactly," said Sakura. "Something about Mitsuki. He deflected earlier."

"Woah, what?" I asked. "Deflected? Like..." I was about to say "like Sasuke," but held my tongue.

"Mitsuki knocked out the gate guards and left the Leaf earlier," said Sakura. "We assume Boruto and Sarada went after him."

"Well, of course they did," I said. "Do we have any idea where Mitsuki went?" It was a stupid question. I had a pretty good idea, and was planning on calling Suigetsu as soon as possible.

"How could this have happened?" Sakura sobbed.

How could this have happened? _How could this have happened?_ Was she _for real?_ This was only _exactly_ what she and Naruto would have done...no, _did_ do. I stared at my phone. I sensed a distressed phone call from Temari was imminent.

Tobi entered. He'd obviously heard shit was going down and wanted to be included. Like mother like son. "I heard Mitsuki knocked out the guards?"

"Yeah, crazy, right?" I said.

"Not really," said Tobi. "All those shinobi are scrubs."

"Scrubs?"

"You know, losers. Weak sauce. I don't know how they ever made chunin or jonin. They fall over if you so much as breath on them," said Tobi.

"Who was there?" I asked.

"I dunno. Nobody bothers to learn their names. They're the expendables," said Tobi.

"God, Tobi, that's a little harsh," I said.

"He's right though," said Sakura. "You know, we're probably going to need you at the hospital later."

"Okay," I said.

"I'm going to go see Naruto," said Tobi. "I better be on that tracking team."

"Oh, bring them back, Tobi, please!" Sakura exclaimed. "Oh, this makes me feel better!"

* * *

Tobi found us at the hospital. "So...Naruto said he already dispatched enough shinobi to track them," he reported.

"Who's going?" Sakura asked.

"Nobody," Tobi spat. "I got _wall duty_ though!"

"Naruto probably thinks you're a little young," I said.

"Right. _Young_ ," said Tobi. "Meanwhile, Boruto gets to one-punch an Otsutsuki."

Sakura shot me a sympathetic look. I'd shared with her some of Tobi's feelings towards Boruto recently. "You know, Tobi," said Sakura, "sometimes really high-level ninja don't get dispatched to simple tracking missions. The Hokage holds them back in case something really big comes up."

"That's true," I said, following her lead. "We're not sure what we're dealing with here. You don't send in all your best on the first go."

"Ugh, I'm so _bored_ though! Aunt Sakura, do you think I could join Uncle Sasuke doing whatever he does?"

"NO," we said together.

"Sasuke really doesn't need help with that, dear," Sakura said.

"Ughhhhh," said Tobi. "Fine. Guess I'll be bored on the wall." Tobi and Indra sulked out together.

Sakura shook her head. "Your boy was born in the wrong era," she said.

"Don't I know it," I said. "He's got all these crazy skills, and he just want to use them."

"It's a _good thing_ he doesn't have to use them," Sakura said.

"Oh, I know," I said. "Still, why couldn't Naruto just dispatch him?"

"Right?! At least he'd make good use of _some_ of those skills tracking, and I'm not very confident hearing that a bunch of 'nobodies' are tracking are kids."

"Yeah, what was Naruto thinking? If Orochimaru is involved...oh, that's right, I was going to call Sui," I said.

"Oh, good idea!" Sakura said. "You know, your weird friendships sure have come in handy over the years."

* * *

"Mitsuki did WHAT?!" Suigetsu screeched.

"Oh," I said. "So you aren't involved."

"NO! What?...WHAT?!...Orochimaru is going to FLIP SHIT when he hears!"

"Oh, then maybe don't tell him," I said. "I don't think we want Orochimaru to flip shit."

"Love you bye," Suigetsu said quickly, and hung up.

"Suigetsu. SUIGETSU?!" I cried in vain at the phone. "Well, damn."

I made the executive decision not to tell Sakura about that conversation, or when Suigetsu reported back that the kids had been there and Orochimaru had sent them to some Snake Sage cave. I did feel compelled to inform Naruto, though.

"Huh," said Naruto, "well, that's interesting, and kind of disconcerting. At least we knew what we were dealing with when we thought it was Orochimaru. Hmm...Ryuchi Cave, you said?"

"Yeah, I had Sui text it to me," I said. I showed him the text, and he wrote down the word.

"Okay," said Naruto. "That's interesting. That's not at all what the trackers reported."

"Narubro," I said, "did you dispatch _good people_ to track them?"

"Of course I did! They're mostly jonin, and some older chunin! But now that it seems we're not going the right direction...hmm...Tobi's just on wall duty, right?"

Thank you, Naruto. You're not a total idiot after all.

* * *

 *****Naruto Shippuden episodes 268-319**


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